


Different Stars

by thefangirlingdead



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Anal Sex, Angst, Character Death, Infidelity, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Pining, Reincarnation, Riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 06:56:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 89,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7304143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefangirlingdead/pseuds/thefangirlingdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin searches for Levi everywhere after he is given a second chance at life, but when he eventually finds him, it's too late - Levi not only doesn't remember him or anything about their past life, but he is also happily married. Thankful for a chance to have Levi in his life once more, Erwin tells himself that he is content with just being a friend to his past lover, but not everything goes as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Will Lie Under Different Stars

**Author's Note:**

> _For I've not seen you in the flesh for so long_   
>  _But I'm not sure we would know each other at all_
> 
> _Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are_  
>  _And I know you don't think twice wherever you are_  
>  \- [Different Stars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAVjyKZY0kY) \- Trespassers William 
> 
> Hoooooly shit hello! It has been a long time since I have posted anything, but I have been writing and working on this for what feels like forever and I'm so excited to share it with everyone! Please be gentle, I may be a little rusty haha. This is also the first fic I've ever written with a secondary relationship or Levi being with anyone other than Erwin, but I promise that the endgame is most definitely Eruri. 
> 
> This chapter is also mostly background, but I promise others will move a little faster! 
> 
> I hope to update this pretty frequently, but I apologize if it takes a bit for some chapters. Thank you so so much for being patient with me!
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Erwin remembers every little detail about his past life, all the way down to his gruesome death, and he remembers it all when he is merely ten years old. It’s something that he doesn’t necessarily understand or think of at the time, but in retrospect, it is likely the death of his father that triggers the memories. If Hanji were here, they’d tell him that it was probably due to the sudden surge of strong emotions, something firing in his brain that caused him to remember his past life. Either way, Erwin doesn’t care  _ how _ it happens. It just does.

Erwin’s father passes away when he is just ten years old, but he isn’t killed by some totalitarian government out of fear that he knows too much. No, this time around, he dies of a heart attack - something normal, mundane, something that happens to people all over the world every single day. But it happens to Erwin’s father, and the second that Erwin receives the news - he’s pulled out of class by his mother and rushed to the hospital - it all comes back to him in a giant wave.

Thankfully, everyone seems to attribute his reaction to grief - the screaming, the crying, the pure agony on Erwin’s face. And that’s partially true, because it isn’t  _ fair _ that he has to lose his father again, but it’s also because of what he remembers. He blacks out the first time it all comes back to him, wakes up in his  _ own _ hospital bed with his mother looking frantic and terrified over him because she just lost her husband and doesn’t want to lose her son too, but Erwin remembers. Over time, he remembers  _ everything. _

Erwin remembers the walls, the titans, the searing, ripping pain of losing his arm and the utter heartache of finding out that he lost Mike, one of his closest friends. He remembers watching Hanji get torn in two, watching his subordinates and friends killed off one by one of a foggy, bloody battlefield. 

_ And he remembers Levi. _

_ God _ , does he remember Levi. He remembers, clear as day, the sneering look of defiance on Levi’s face when he captured him in the underground, the utter hatred when Levi tried to kill him out beyond the walls, after losing his best friends. He remembers the way that Levi would snicker at crude jokes, how he eventually let his guard down around Erwin, Mike, Hanji and eventually others. 

He remembers the first time they kissed, heated in Erwin’s office. Levi had pressed Erwin up against the door, had claimed his mouth before Erwin even had a chance to protest - not that he’d want to. He remembers the way that Levi would writhe underneath him, gasping out his name and clawing at his back for some kind of relief, thrusting up desperately against Erwin’s hips when they had sex. 

But worst of all, he remembers watching Levi as the lines of his 3D maneuver gear were snatched from mid-air, sending him plummeting to the ground only to be grabbed moments later by a large, bloody hand. Erwin remembers the terror he felt as he tried to rush to Levi’s aide, watching him hack at the monster’s fingers, trying to free himself. And Erwin remembers the way that Levi had yelled at the end, not in fear for himself, but for Erwin’s life - 

_ “Erwin! Get back! Go, get out of here!” _

Erwin didn’t listen - he  _ couldn’t _ listen - and ultimately, that’s what cost him his life, mere seconds after he watched Levi perish in front of him.

Erwin remembers  _ everything _ at the fragile age of ten, and it’s then that he swears that he’ll make the best of his second chance. He swears to himself that he’ll do everything in this life that he couldn’t in his last. He’ll travel, learn about the world, see the ocean and the mountains and the desert. Maybe he’ll even become a teacher, as he wanted to in his past life. And of course, he’ll search. He’ll search everywhere, until the day he dies, for his friends.  _ For Levi. _

* * *

Despite his father’s death, this life is relatively kind to Erwin. Maybe, it’s due to his drive or his willingness to learn, but Erwin graduates high school at the top of his class, receiving a full ride scholarship to the college of his choice. He puts off school, however, in favor of traveling, and thankfully, it’s as if his mother understands. She bids him farewell, and for three years, Erwin decides to see the world, only returning home in between flights or busses or trains to a new destination, working odd jobs and living off of his savings until he finally comes home.  

And he does everything that he wanted to. Erwin sees the ocean, takes a boat out into the Gulf of Mexico and watches as dolphins chase the wake. He flies to other countries, goes backpacking in New Zealand, travels through Europe. By the time he is twenty-one, Erwin has seen more than most people will in their entire life.

It isn’t until he finally decides to go to college - at a small, mountainside school in Colorado, nothing big or fancy or expensive - that he eventually finds a piece of his past life. 

He runs into Mike on his first week of classes - literally bumps into him while walking through campus - and when he looks up, he’s relieved to see the same look of recognition in his old friend’s eyes. Without a word, Mike is pulling Erwin into a tight hug, and Erwin nearly has to bite back tears because  _ it’s real. It’s really real.  _ All of those memories, the dreams, the pain and love and loss… It’s all real. 

Mike can’t quite recall when he remembered - he just tells Erwin that he woke up one day, and it was all there, as if it had never left him. He tells Erwin how he spent years searching, but when he found no one, he decided that his best course of action was to make the best of this life.

“Have you found Levi?” he asks around a cup of coffee that morning, the two men deciding to ditch class in favor of catching up. He asks the question as if he knows - as if he knows how hard Erwin has been searching for him in every small, raven-haired man, in every smart-mouthed teenager or quick thug on the streets. Hell, maybe he does know. That’s why Erwin became so close with Mike in the first place - the man is intuitive. He seems to know everything before Erwin does.

“No,” he says, allowing the defeat to show in his voice. He doesn’t have to hide around Mike, “You’re the first.”

Mike hums in understanding, “Same here. I was starting to think that nobody else-”

“Me too,” Erwin murmurs, catching Mike’s train of thought before the words leave his mouth. Erwin found himself thinking many times over the years that maybe, this was some form of cruel punishment, that he got to live the life he always wanted, but without the people that he loved. But if he can find Mike, his best friend, then there’s hope for the others, right? There’s hope for Levi.

Like their past lives, Erwin and Mike become fast friends. Even after they graduate college and ultimately decide to go in different directions - Mike to stay in the Rocky Mountains and Erwin setting his sites on the Pacific Northwest - they stay in contact with one another.

Erwin quickly gets a job teaching at a K-8 school in Portland, and, as time passes, he begins to make a home there. After all, in his past life, he wanted this. He wanted to teach, to help children, to mold young minds. Something that Mike said to Erwin on graduation sticks with him, and he hopes that it holds true -

“You weren’t looking for Levi when you found him the first time,” he said in reassurance, “Maybe that’s what will happen in this life.”

And Erwin hopes - he  _ prays _ , even though he doesn’t know which God to believe in - that he finds Levi. That Levi finds him.

When it eventually happens, it’s the latter, and Erwin doesn’t expect it, just as Mike had predicted. 

Erwin makes a home for himself in Portland, teaching eighth grade history at one of the best schools in the city, and slowly, over the years, he becomes comfortable. By the time he’s nearly thirty, Erwin is content with his life -  _ this _ life. He has seen the world, has traveled as much as he could in three years, with an entire lifetime ahead of him. He is a well-respected teacher at a great school, and he loves the children that he gets to connect with every day, even if he knows he’ll never have any of his own. Erwin becomes accustomed to the solitude, to a quiet life alone in a modest house in the suburbs. He makes friends with his neighbors, flies home to see his mother a few times a year, travels when he can during the summer, and he makes it work.

Surprisingly, he’s happy.

And then one evening, the entire life that Erwin has built for himself and everything he knows is ripped out from underneath him.

Erwin almost always volunteers to chaperone or attend school events, fundraisers or benefits. Not only does it help get him out of the house - which he sometimes finds himself shut in, despite his promise to get out as much as he can, especially in such a beautiful state - but he enjoys feeling involved. He enjoys feeling like he’s part of something, even if he’s merely just attending an art show or choir concert here or there, chaperoning a school dance or helping host a fundraiser.

On one rainy spring evening, Erwin finds himself greeting parents and guests, handing out schedules for a choir competition to anyone with empty hands in the lobby of the school’s auditorium. Many of the faces in the crowd are ones he doesn’t recognize as parents of his students, as the competition has brought many families from other cities and schools, but he doesn’t mind. It’s something to keep him busy, shaking hands and speaking with parents or people from out of town who have any questions or comments.

Erwin is just saying goodbye to the parents of one of his students - this nice, quiet couple who live in the same neighborhood as him - when someone taps him on the shoulder, their touch and their voice delicate, tentative. 

“Excuse me, sir?” 

Erwin isn’t prepared for what he sees when he turns, but he can’t blame himself. Since running into Mike years ago, he still has yet to find anyone from his past life, so when his eyes come to land on none other than Petra Ral, smiling sweetly up at him, he can’t help the way his jaw drops just slightly, his heart rate tripling.

“I-”

“Do you work here?” she asks, then corrects herself quickly, “I mean, are you a teacher at this school?”

And then, just as fast as the excitement builds in Erwin’s chest, it dissipates. There is no flash of recognition on Petra’s face, no hints that she knows who Erwin is. She looks up at him like he’s a complete stranger, because that’s exactly who he is to her. 

Erwin tries to swallow his disappointment, understanding that not  _ everyone _ will remember, and he tries to be happy for her. Petra was such a kind soul - she didn’t deserve the fate she was dealt in their past life. Erwin knows how much Levi beat himself up over her death back then, but ultimately, it was  _ his _ fault. Erwin was the one who made the orders, and Levi’s team were the ones who paid the ultimate price. Hell, maybe it’s for the best that she doesn’t remember.

Thankfully, Erwin manages to reign in his emotions enough to utter a response, putting on a kind smile for Petra, who honestly seems a little nervous. “I do,” he says, extending his hand, “Erwin Smith. What can I do for you?”

At Erwin’s response, a fresh smile pulls on Petra’s lips. Her nerves seem to dissipate as she shakes his hand. “Petra,” she introduces herself, “I’m - well… This is a little embarrassing.”

Erwin raises his eyebrows at her, waiting for her to go on. He swallows his hope that  _ maybe _ , Petra does recognize him. Maybe she approached him because he looked familiar, but he tries not to get his hopes up. Instead, he waits for her to inevitably continue. 

Petra laughs a little, nervous. “I uh… I’m not really here for this choir competition,” she admits, “It’s just - my husband and I are new in town, and we wanted to come check out the school, maybe talk to couple of teachers…” She trails off, seemingly unsure of herself, and Erwin can’t help but smile.

He can’t help it, because Petra is  _ married _ in this life, because she probably has children, because she’s been given everything she deserved in her past life and more. “Are you thinking of enrolling your children?” he asks.

“Oh - no, no,” she backpedals, “We don’t have any children. At least, not yet, anyway. We just… We wanted to see what the school was like, to think about things…”

“Ah,” Erwin nods in understanding, “Of course. I could show you around, if you’d like. The majority of the classrooms will be empty when the competition begins.”

“We’d love that!” Petra exclaims, he face lighting up. Her smile falls, however, when she seems to realize that she’s speaking for two people when she is standing alone in front of Erwin. 

“My husband should be around here somewhere,” she explains, turning to look over her shoulder at the parents and children mulling around the lobby, “If I know him, he probably took it upon himself to start looking around without me.”

Erwin laughs in response, watching Petra stand on her toes to search the faces of the crowd. He wonders if she found someone else from their past life, if she finally ended up with Auruo, or if she found someone new, someone who wouldn’t be burdened by horrible memories of a painful previous life.

“I’ll go find him really quick, I’m sure he -” she starts, but cuts herself off when she seems to spot them, “Ah - there he is!” 

Petra waves at a face in the crowd, and immediately, Erwin’s heart plummets. Making his way through groups of parents, teachers and children is a small man with messy black hair, bedroom eyes and thin eyebrows. His face is schooled, tight, maybe even slightly annoyed, and he keeps his eyes downcast as he makes his way through the crowd, until he nears Erwin and Petra.

Erwin knows that face. He’s been searching for it for years. 

“Erwin, this is my husband, Levi,” Petra introduces, practically beaming with excitement as she puts an arm around Levi’s waist, “Levi, this is Erwin Smith. He’s going to show us around.”

Erwin, thinking on instinct, numbly outstretches his hand, watching Levi as he chokes out a quiet, “It’s nice to meet you, Levi.”

* * *

 

Levi has known Petra for as long as he can remember. In way, their romance is sort of that of the cliche fairytale kind - friends turned lovers over time, high school sweethearts. They met in grade school, Petra quickly breaking down Levi’s tough demeanor and becoming his only close friend through middle school. Save for Petra, Levi was cold, quiet and frankly, a little bit rude to just about everyone. She and her family quickly learned that he lost both of his parents at only five years old and moved across states to live with his estranged uncle, which explains his mannerisms and how he seems to cut people out or push them away.

But never Petra. Levi is too young to realize it, but the only reason he doesn’t push Petra away when they’re young, when he firsts meet her, is because he feels a strange twinge of fondness for her, like seeing someone you used to know, but you can’t quite remember from where. Throughout grade school and middle school, Levi and Petra become fast friends. There are others - other people that Levi slowly lets into his life because Petra trusts them - but she is a constant.

In high school, she is his first kiss. It’s quiet, simple and tentative, and Levi doesn’t return it at first, but when he sees the look on her face - frankly, she looks a little terrified - he can’t help but smile, leaning in to press his lips to hers once more. 

They never actually  _ officially _ begin dating, but it sort of just happens. Levi spends practically all of his time with Petra anyway, so it only feels natural. When graduation comes around, they look at colleges together - high school sweethearts - and choose Utah as a destination, Petra insisting that the mountains will be a much needed change from their dry state of Nevada, but not too far away from home.

Levi has never really had a real home with his uncle, but he knows that Petra will want to visit her parents, and honestly, he doesn’t necessarily mind that idea. They practically adopted Levi from the moment they met him, probably did a better job raising him than his uncle ever did.

So Levi and Petra go to college together, get a shitty apartment together, and Levi’s life continues moving forward.

But from a very young age, he has always felt like something was missing. And not in that shitty, melodramatic teen movie sense, but in a way that leaves Levi feeling empty and directionless, nearly unable to choose a major, spending a year longer than Petra in college just because he changes his mind halfway through. Some people would call it depression - the large, gaping hole in the pit of Levi’s chest - but he doesn’t think it’s that. He wouldn’t say he’s depressed, just… incomplete. 

He wants to laugh at the thought - it sounds like something straight out of a shitty teenage romance novel before some girl meets her hunky vampire boyfriend - but it’s the best explanation he can come up with. 

Petra does a good job at filling that hole as much as she can. She’s bright, warm and bubbly. She knows that Levi doesn’t seem to have as much drive as other people, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She helps him find a major that suits him, that leaves him feeling fulfilled when he finally graduates, and helps him find a job in physical therapy when they’re finally both out of college. 

And Levi likes that. He likes helping people, likes being able to make them stronger, more confident, self reliant. He would have become a personal trainer - he’s fit enough for it - but Levi prefers physical therapy. He likes helping others. It helps to fill that hole.

Shortly after he turns twenty-five, Levi asks Petra to marry him. Honestly, he never saw himself as the marrying type, never thought he’d find someone to put up with his constant glass half empty bullshit, but Petra puts up with it. In fact, she does more than that; she makes Levi happy. It’s that fondness that he feels when he looks at her that makes him kneel in front of her, ring in hand, and she says yes before he can even get the words out.

They marry shortly after Levi proposes, and it’s a small intimate ceremony in Utah. Petra’s parents and Levi’s uncle drive out, and that’s about it. They both prefer it that way. Why make a big deal out of something that was always meant to happen?

“What do you think about kids?” Petra asks one evening over dinner, kicking Levi gently under the table to get his attention.

“I think they’re messy,” Levi retorts without thinking about it. His response earns a scoff from Petra.

“I mean, what do you think about  _ having _ kids?”

_ That _ question, however, catches Levi’s attention. He has never really thought about having children before, not even with Petra. He’s good with kids - has to be, in his field - but he never thought about having any of his own. Maybe it’s because he’s scared of becoming just another disappointment, like his uncle and the rest of his family, or maybe it’s because Levi never fathomed that he’d end up married to his best friend, sitting where he is now, eating dinner with her in a small, shitty, yet somewhat charming apartment.

“I wouldn’t raise kids in  _ this _ shithole,” he says at last, to appease Petra. If he thinks about it, much of what he does is to make her happy; leaving Nevada, going to college, kids… if that’s what she wants. It’s not that he feels pity for her,  _ god no,  _ but it’s more so because he wants to make her happy. She deserves to happy - he’s not sure why he feels that, but he does. That, and he loves her. She’s one of the only people who has managed to break through his tough exterior, and Levi’s never felt quite as connected to anyone as he does to Petra.

So if she wants kids, he’ll give her kids.

They start looking for better jobs together, both in state and out, and when they come across quite a few openings in Oregon, they take the opportunity. Levi quickly finds a job at a local hospital as a physical therapist, and Petra settles for an assistant position at a law firm, something she wouldn’t have done back home, but it’s a job. It’s a better city and a better opportunity, and eventually, her and Levi also find a house - a cute little two bedroom place in the suburbs - and move to Portland, Oregon. 

Levi doesn’t have to tell Petra that he’s never seen the ocean, that he’s excited to do so. Instead, she just offers to go for a drive one afternoon so they can see it together.

* * *

 

They’re not necessarily actively trying to have kids, but Levi does his research. He looks up all of the schools in their area, paying special attention to the better ones that aren’t private schools, and mentions to Petra that maybe they should go take a look at them, muttering something about a good education, if they’re going to have any brats, and naturally, Petra is ecstatic. 

It just so happens that there is a choir competition at one of the nearby K-8 schools only a couple of weeks after Levi and Petra finally get settled in their new home, and Petra suggests attending it, with a promise of maybe sneaking around the school during the competition. “Then we don’t have to deal with anyone else,” she says with a smile.

Levi snorts out a laugh, muttering, “It’s as if you read my mind.”

So Levi and Petra find themselves mulling around the lobby of the school on a Friday night, trying to find a way to sneak away from the crowd in order to go check out some of the classrooms. They learn rather quickly, however, that the doors that lead to the main hallway of the school are locked, closing them out from the classrooms and office, leaving only the auditorium and lobby accessible. 

“You stay here,” Petra commands, confident, “I’ll go see if I can find someone who can show us around.”

“Who  _ wants _ to show us around,” Levi corrects teasingly, glancing about the crowd. Any employees or teachers probably aren’t going to want to show two strangers around the locked school, but he supposes it’s worth a shot.

“Yeah, whatever,” Petra says with a smile, and then she’s bounding off into the crowd. Knowing her, she’ll be able to charm some poor fool into it. 

Honestly, the school  _ is _ rather nice. Awards, both academic and athletic, line the walls of the lobby, and the trophy case is damn near full. The school itself - or at least the area that Levi can access - is clean and well put together, much nicer than he remembers his grade school being. 

He shudders at the thought.

It isn’t until Petra is gone for quite a few minutes that Levi decides to go searching for her. Knowing her, as kind and as social as she is, she’s probably already made friends with some parents in here.  _ Great _ , now they’ll be known as the creepy couple that hangs around the elementary school, but don’t have any kids. Levi nearly laughs to himself at the thought, shaking his head and walking slowly through the crowd, eyes scanning the room for his wife.

Eventually, he spies her fiery red hair and small form. Or well, she looks rather small standing next to the man at her side - a tall, muscular blond man, hair pushed back to the side, sleeves of his sweater rolled up to his elbows. Levi has a moment to study the man before Petra sees him, and…

Well, he can’t help but feel like he knows him, as if he’s met him before. If he had been old enough to register the feeling when he was in grade school, he’d realize that this is the same feeling he had when he first met Petra.  _ Recognition _ . Something seems to pull him forward - something other than trying to get to his wife - but then, as soon as it’s there, it’s gone. Petra spies him, waving him over, and Levi ducks his head, making his way quickly and quietly through the crowd. 

When the man -  _ Erwin Smith, _ even the name feels familiar - introduces himself, it takes Levi a moment to shake his hand. He gazes up at him for a moment, eyes narrowed as he tries to figure out where he knows him from, because he  _ recognizes him _ . He’s never seen his face before, but he feels like he has, or he should have… It’s a strange feeling, something that he hasn’t felt since he met Petra, since he kissed her for the first time, since he asked her to marry him. It tugs on the edges of the emptiness in his chest, trying to pull it closed, and Levi can’t seem to fathom why.

So eventually, he reaches out, takes the familiar but not so familiar hand, and introduces himself. “Levi Ackerman. Nice to meet you.”

“I understand that you’d like to see the school,” Erwin, Mr. Smith, says after a beat of silence and a bit of awkward eye contact between the two of them. If Levi didn’t know better, he’d think that Erwin shared that same feeling of recognition as him, but he doesn’t have long to dwell on it because the teacher’s words are shaking him from his thoughts. “The competition is just about to start. We should be able to sneak away quickly.”

Levi’s eyebrows shoot up on his head. He hadn’t actually expected Petra’s plan to work. “You’re going to show us around,” Levi says, though it’s not really a question, more of a surprised statement. 

“Unless you came to watch the choir competition,” Erwin shoots back in a slight teasing tone, throwing a small smirk in Levi’s direction. If he didn’t know better, he’d say the other man was flirting with him, acting far too friendly for someone he just met, but again, before he can think about it, the thought is gone.

Levi shakes his head and motions forward. “Lead the way.”

Surprisingly, Erwin actually ends up being a great help. He shows Levi and Petra around nearly the entire school, or at least the areas that matter, answering any questions they may have with ease. The classrooms are small, the curriculums seem great (as far as Levi can tell) and Erwin seems like someone that people would want teaching their children. He seems like someone who can be trusted, and Levi tries not to attribute that to the fact that he feels like he knows Erwin from somewhere. 

Apparently, Petra either feels the same way Levi does, or is simply curious, because toward the end of their little tour, she asks Erwin a few questions about himself, simple ones that aren’t too prying - where he grew up, where he went to school, what subject he teaches. None of his answers have any significance to Levi - he’s from the east coast, traveled for a few years before going to college in Colorado and moving here, and he teaches history - but he still can’t shake the feeling that he has met the man before. Maybe he just has a familiar face. 

Levi is about to open his mouth, however, to ask Erwin if they’ve crossed paths before, but his thoughts are cut short when he sees Petra stumble at his side. Instantly, his attention is on her as she reaches up, clutching her head, eyes closed tight in pain. 

“Petra?” Levi asks, reaching out to sturdy her, “Are you alright?”

She takes a deep breath, reaching out to grab one of his arms, and after a moment, manages a nod. “Yeah,” she mutters, “I just… My head hurts.”

“Would you like to sit down?” Erwin offers, voice concerned, and Levi glances up at him briefly before looking back at her. Petra’s eyes are glued on Erwin as if she knows something, as if she just remembered something, but as fast as that look is there, it’s gone and she’s shaking her head.

“No, no,” she assures, turning away, “It’s alright.”

“We should just get going,” Levi offers instead. They’ve seen all they needed to of the school, and Levi realizes that Petra probably has a headache because they haven’t eaten dinner yet. His stomach rumbles at the thought. 

“I’ll walk you out,” Erwin offers, but Levi shakes his head.

“No, it’s alright.” Slowly, Petra seems to regain some strength at his side. The sudden headache or migraine has him slightly worried, but it’s not the first time it has happened, and they’ve already taken up much of the other man’s time. 

Erwin seems to understand, because he is quiet for a moment, giving Levi and Petra their space. It isn’t until Levi glances up at him again, offering a muttered, “Thanks for everything,” before he speaks again.

“Here,” he says, fishing out his wallet and pulling out a simple white business card. He hands it to Levi, who examines it quickly. It’s simple, the school’s logo in the right corner, Erwin’s name, phone number and email address on the left. “It’s my card,” he explains, “Feel free to call me if you have any questions.”

Levi nods in return, offering another “thank you,” and just like that, he and Petra are gone.


	2. Heavy Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _It's hard to sleep these days_  
>  _Left with a ghost and it won't go away_  
>  _It's all that I have left_  
>  _This wishful thinking_  
>  _It's hopeless today_  
>  _And that may not change_  
>  Too Close To Touch - "[Heavy Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlEI73mpCrw)"
> 
> Thank you all so much for all of the lovely comments on the first chapter! I definitely did not expect such an amazing reaction to this fic, but I'm really excited to finally get things going. Enjoy!

Their first meeting is, well… It’s not what Erwin expected.

After years of searching for Levi, he actually didn’t expect to find him in this life, had accepted the fact that maybe, Levi was better off without him. And hell, maybe he was. After all, Erwin didn’t expect to find Levi married, happy with someone else, but he did.

And maybe that’s okay. Levi deserves to be happy.

Regardless, Erwin doesn’t have it in him to remain in the school much longer after Levi and Petra disappear down the hallway, out of his life once more. He just lets them leave, slips Levi a business card in some form of a last ditch effort of… well, to be honest, he doesn’t even know. It was apparent that Levi didn’t remember him - neither did Petra - and he was happy with someone else, married, even. Erwin doesn’t know what he hopes to accomplish in handing Levi his business card, but he can’t just let him leave empty handed…

So Erwin leaves shortly after his encounter with Levi and Petra, and almost immediately after climbing into his car, he lets out a deep breath that he didn’t know he was holding, letting his head fall forward onto the steering wheel. He had considered all possible options whenever he thought about finding Levi. He knew that it was a possibility that Levi might not even exist in this lifetime, and that even if he did, he may not remember anything, might be with someone else… But nothing could have prepared Erwin for seeing Levi at Petra’s side, happily married and free of any painful memories of their past life.

Free of any memories of them.

Erwin isn’t sure how long he sits in his car, attempting to gather his thoughts and come to terms with the fact that Levi is happily married with someone else, but it is quite a while before he feels level headed enough to drive home. He thinks about calling Mike, telling him what happened, but it’s late, and he wants time to himself before anything.

On one hand, Erwin wants to be selfish. He wants to be mad that Levi didn’t come into his life sooner. He spent years traveling, looking for the other man in everyone he saw, and now he finds him like this? It’s not fair, and Erwin wants to be selfish, wants to be angry at the hand he has been dealt, because this life is different than their last one. They’d have time to love here, time to spend with one another without constantly worrying about the good of humanity, fighting for their lives. Erwin could have lazy Sundays with Levi in this lifetime, could take the time to get to know his mind and body even better than before, but in a split second, all of that was ripped away from him. One moment, he still had a lifetime of possibility before him, and the next, it’s all over, and Erwin wants to be selfish. He wants to be mad.

But on the other hand, he wants to be happy for Levi. Even with his heart in his stomach, hands shaking slightly on the steering wheel as he drives home, Erwin is glad that Levi doesn’t remember their past life. He deserves to be happy, after everything he went through, and if Petra makes him happy, then Erwin shouldn’t interfere. On top of that, Erwin knows how Petra felt about Levi in their past life, and she deserves happiness, too. In fact, if it weren’t for Erwin’s decisions in their past life, Petra and Levi wouldn’t have died. They lived and died for him, for the Survey Corps, after all. It’s only fitting that they end up together.

So Erwin tries to be happy for them. As he climbs into bed that night, feeling more alone than he has in years, Erwin tries to feel something other than pain and heartache and regret, because at least Levi is happy. 

That doesn’t mean that he can’t feel a little selfish, though, because deep down, he’s sick of thinking of others before himself - he’s been doing it for two lifetimes now. That doesn’t mean that Erwin doesn’t call Mike the next morning, trying to find the right words to say before he dials the number, the practiced words dying on his tongue as soon as Mike answers.

“Erwin,” he says, his voice fond and warm, something Erwin didn’t receive from Levi, “I was just thinking about you. It’s been a while.”

And it’s true, it has been a while. Erwin and Mike haven’t spoken in about a month or so, both of them busy with their own lives. It’s funny how different this life is from their past one. The thought that they’ve been too busy for their friendship lately is almost sickening. It makes Erwin want to hop on a plane to go visit Mike in the Rockies right now - though he’s sure that seeing Levi and wanting to run away from it has something to do with it, too. 

Before, Erwin cherished every moment he had with his friends, his squad, because he knew that any day could be their last. When he learned about Mike’s death, he had been devastated. Levi was the one to break the news, and Erwin remembers vividly the way he broke down, choking out a sob against Levi’s sturdy form. He’d never let anyone see him that way except for Levi, and later, Levi teased Erwin because he’d been so self deprecating that he didn’t seem fazed by the loss of his arm, but was more pained by the loss of a friend. 

Now, with Mike states away and Levi so close, yet unattainable, Erwin feels like he’s losing both of them once again. Erwin doesn’t acknowledge Mike’s words - he will later, once he’s had time to digest them - and instead blurts his news without any sort of padding or warning. “I found Levi.”

It’s loaded and it’s not good news, and Mike seems to pick up on that immediately. Even states away, he’s incredible at reading Erwin.

“You don’t sound happy about that,” he says carefully, after a long pause.

“I-” Erwin’s voice catches in his throat, because it’s complicated. He is happy to have found Levi, and he wants to be happy that Levi has found someone in this life, but he wants to be selfish, too. He wants to be mad because that someone wasn’t him. “Mike, he’s married.”

“ _ Married _ ,” Mike echoes, as if he can’t believe it. Really, Erwin doesn’t either. Levi never struck him as the marrying type, though that was then and this is now. Things change.  _ People _ change.

“To Petra,” Erwin adds, and Mike does a bad job of hiding his sharp intake of breath on the other end. 

“ _ Shit _ ,” he mutters. It’s blunt, short, but it’s just the reaction Erwin expected. Mike knows everything about Erwin and Levi’s relationship - he questioned him about it only a few days after they found one another on campus, and Erwin supposed he owed it to his best friend to be honest with him. So he told Mike all about his and Levi’s relationship, how it began and how it ended, and Mike only responded with a smirk, saying that he should have seen it coming from the beginning. So his response makes sense. 

“Yeah,” Erwin sighs, deflating a little. As much as it hurts to think about, it feels good to talk to someone who knows him, knows his life before this one - someone who knows  _ everything _ . 

“What are you going to do?” Mike asks after a moment of silence.

_ “What am I going to do?” _ Erwin echoes, “What do you mean? I’m not going to  _ do _ anything.”

Mike huffs out a breath, and if Erwin didn’t know better, he’d say he’s amused by his reaction. “It’s Levi.”

“And it’s  _ Petra _ ,” Erwin counters, “Levi is happy with her. He deserves that. I’m not going to interfere.”

“ _ Wow, _ ” Mike mutters in response.

Erwin’s eyes narrow in confusion, even though Mike can’t see him. “What?”

And then, Mike is chuckling slightly. If Erwin closes his eyes, he can imagine him shaking his head back and forth in amusement. “You love him,” he says, as if it’s a no-brainer.

Erwin doesn’t deny it and he doesn’t confirm it. Instead he just sighs, running a hand through his hair, and mutters, defeated, “Well, that doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Sure it does,” Mike says, voice light, “You don’t know how things will end. You only just found one another. You’ll keep in contact, right?”

And it’s then that Erwin realizes that he hasn’t told Mike the other problem, and quite possibly the more painful of the two. It’s already hard enough seeing Levi with someone else, but the fact that he doesn’t remember… That’s even worse. Erwin stayed up throughout most of the night dwelling on his encounter with Levi and Petra, and ultimately, he decided that, despite how hard it was to see Levi happy with someone else, it was even harder knowing that he doesn’t remember their past life - that apparently, none of it was worth remembering. Deep down, Erwin knows that’s not the case - it doesn’t mean that their past life wasn’t important, by any means - but the irrational side of him, the side that has taken over and rendered him useless for the past fourteen hours, tells him otherwise. 

Erwin lets out a deep breath before muttering, “He doesn’t remember. Neither of them do.”

Mike is silent on the other end, and Erwin isn’t surprised. What’s he supposed to say to that? There are no comforting words, nothing that could make Erwin feel better about this fact. There isn’t even a slim chance of him and Levi rekindling even their friendship. They don’t have anything in common in this lifetime, have no reason to see one another until Levi has children, and Erwin doesn’t even want to think about that right now. 

“Erwin…” Mike’s voice is somber in his ear, trying to find the right words to say, “I’m sorry.”

Erwin swallows. He doesn’t know what he expected. Talking to someone, saying it out loud, however, makes him feel slightly better. Slightly.

He wants to say  _ “It’s alright _ ,” but it’s not. It isn’t going to be. 

Instead, he just mutters out a soft, “Yeah.”

“Do you need me to fly out there?” Mike asks, as if it’s easy, as if he can drop everything and come to his friend’s aid. It won’t do any good, though. Erwin appreciates the sentiment, but declines the offer. 

“No, no,” Erwin shakes his head, even though Mike can’t see him, “It’s alright I just…”

“Needed to tell someone?” Mike supplies, voice gentle.

“Yeah,” Erwin sighs.

“I’m always here,” Mike assures, and thankfully, that seems to help, even if just a little.

“Thank you, Mike,” Erwin murmurs, grateful that he has at least one friend in this world, someone who remembers. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he found Levi like this and had nobody to go to. 

Hell, he  _ still _ doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

* * *

 

The two bedroom house is big for Levi - it’s bigger than their shitty apartment that they left behind in Utah, and it’s bigger than any living space he had growing up with Kenny or his parents, before they passed away. Combined, Levi and Petra barely have enough belongings to fill their bedroom, let alone the whole house - living room, dining room, kitchen and empty spare room included - and it feels empty, even a month after they move in. The living room isn’t even furnished, as they had decided that it was pointless to drag their shitty sofa across multiple states, agreeing that they could shop for something once they moved in. They have a television and a decent TV stand that houses their small collection of movies and television shows, but it’s definitely not enough to fill the room, and for the first month after they move in, Levi and Petra find themselves dragging blankets and pillows out of their bedroom to watch TV in the bare living room.

A few days after their “tour” at the school, the two of them embark on a journey to the city in an attempt to find themselves a nice sofa for the den, and end up wandering aimlessly through IKEA for over an hour. Eventually, they find something nice and reasonably priced, and by the end of the day, it’s being delivered to their new home. It isn’t until then that things really seem to feel real for Levi - it isn’t until they purchase the first piece of furniture for their new home that this really begins to feel like a new chapter of their lives. 

They haven’t discussed kids since visiting the school last week, and later that evening, as Levi and Petra relax on their new couch after dinner, Petra is the one to bring it up.

“You never did tell me what you thought of the school,” she says, voice quiet over the television. Levi glances to his side, studying her for a moment before replying.

If he’s being honest, he’s been thinking about that school (and more importantly, the teacher who had given them a tour) since they left that evening. He didn’t mention anything to Petra that evening, due to her migraine, and as time passed, he didn’t necessarily forget about it, but it became less pressing. If Petra was seriously considering children and school, she would bring it up again, so Levi waits for her.

“I didn’t,” he confirms.

She smiles up at him, nudging him slightly with an elbow, “Well…?”

Levi swallows. “The school seemed nice. Clean,” he says, trying to remember something significant about the building. It looked like every other school, the only stand-out aspects being the smaller classroom sizes and artwork on the walls. That, and the staff.

And Petra, always on the same page as Levi, seems to read his mind. “Mr. Smith seemed nice,” she muses.

“Yeah…” Levi murmurs, thinking back to the encounter. It left him feeling unsettled, with a strange taste in his mouth even hours after they left the school’s parking lot. Something about Erwin seemed eerily familiar, but Levi just  _ couldn’t _ place his finger on it. Even now, nearly a week later, he can’t seem to figure it out.

“What’s that look about?” Petra asks, catching Levi deep in thought.

He shakes his head. “Nothing, I just… Did he look familiar to you?” He’s been thinking about it ever since he saw the other man. He  _ swears _ that he recognizes him from somewhere, but just can’t place a finger on it. And if he looks familiar to Levi, then he must to Petra, too. They’ve been attached at the hip since middle school, after all.

Petra cocks her head to the side, eyeing Levi for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t know…” she muses, looking up as she talks, as if she’s recalling what he looks like, “A little, I suppose. Maybe he just has one of those faces.”

Levi sighs. It’s unintentional, but he can’t help it. “Yeah… Maybe.”

At his response, Petra narrows her eyes in concern. “Why? Do you think you know him from somewhere?”

Again, Levi shakes his head. He looks down at his hands instead of at Petra, muttering, “I don’t know.”

* * *

 

Like their new house, the neighborhood is nicer than anywhere Levi has ever lived, too. They’re not necessarily in the heart of the suburbs, but about as close as they could get on their current budget. All of the houses on their street are on the small side - two bedroom homes or townhouses - but they’re all relatively new, surrounded by privacy fences in the back and wooden picket fences in the front. They’re all painted relatively similar, all line up nicely, and sometimes, it makes Levi want to be sick. Other times, it makes him want to jump with joy. 

The neighborhood is nothing like where he grew up, in the shitty part of town with his uncle, the unfinished basement of his house serving as Levi’s bedroom. He never had an _actual_ bed, and instead, slept on two mattresses. His floor was concrete, covered by a rug he bought on his own, and any furnishings in his bedroom were either free, found on the side of the road, or already stored in the basement when Levi moved in with Kenny.

So this - the nice neighborhood, the new couch, the warm home - is new to Levi. It’s different. 

A month after moving in, Levi has only met the neighbors that live to the left of him. They came over to introduce themselves mere hours after he and Petra moved in, but the neighbors to the right tend to keep to themselves. Levi likes it that way. Unlike Petra, who tends to get along with just about everyone, Levi is solitary. He could live in this neighborhood for the rest of his life without meeting any of his neighbors and be content. 

However, when Levi gets home from work one afternoon and walks out to the mailbox to grab the mail, fate chooses otherwise. Or a shitty mailman does. However you want to look at it, Levi finds himself looking down at a couple of envelopes addressed to someone a couple of houses down when he grabs the mail, and sighs to himself. He glances at the first envelope, addressed a couple of houses down and to the left, and decides that he’ll just stick it in their mailbox and leave it for them to find in the morning, or whenever they check their mail. There isn’t even a name on the envelope, anyway, just an address, so he feels less bad doing it this way. That, and he’s feeling relatively antisocial.

But then, as Levi walks down the sidewalk, he shuffles through the mail, making sure he didn’t miss any other misplaced envelopes, and his eyes catch a name on a second envelope - a name that makes his step falter.

_ Erwin Smith. _

Erwin Smith, the same name of the teacher that showed Levi and Petra around the school about a week ago. He’d like to say that he remembers the name solely because of the fact that it’s somewhat unusual, but that would be a lie. As soon as they got home that evening - as soon as Petra was tucked away in bed - Levi found himself pulling the business card out of his pocket, eyes scanning it over as if reading the name again and again would help jog his memory. 

So he recognizes the name, and he is certain that it isn’t a coincidence - Smith is a common last name, but there’s no way that there are two  _ Erwins _ living in the same city. It is a little comical that they live in the same neighborhood, however, just a few houses down from one another. Levi hasn’t been able to get the teacher out of his mind since meeting him a week ago, and now, without thinking about it, he finds himself walking up the path to his front door, disregarding the mailbox entirely. 

Absentmindedly, Levi considers waiting to bring the letters to his neighbor in favor of waiting until Petra gets home from work and showing her first -  _ because holy coincidence _ \- but his legs carry him forward until he’s standing on Erwin Smith’s front porch, mail in hand.

_ This should be interesting. _

* * *

 

Erwin doesn’t get many visitors, save for an occasional neighbor who needs a favor or help with something, to which he always agrees to, so when there’s a knock on his door a little after five on a Thursday afternoon, it startles him a little. In fact, he actually jumps slightly at the sound from where he stands in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make for dinner. He hasn’t had much human interaction in the past week, besides work of course, and he knows that it is largely due to seeing Levi and Petra about a week ago.

When a week goes by and Erwin doesn’t receive a phone call from Levi, he can’t say that he’s not disappointed, but he also can’t say that he expected anything. It had been a last ditch effort, some way for Levi to hopefully remember him, but when a week goes by and Erwin doesn’t hear anything, he’s not surprised. 

So when there’s a knock at his door late that afternoon, it catches him off guard. Human interaction has been few and far between lately. Erwin wants to say that he hasn’t been shutting himself off from the world, but that would be a lie. It’s not that he’s lying in bed, imagining a life with Levi and wallowing in self pity, but he certainly doesn’t want to spend much time with other people right now. 

Erwin abandons his place in the kitchen when there’s a knock at his door, however, and doesn’t even glance in the peephole before opening the door, doesn’t even spare a look in the mirror to make sure he looks presentable for his unexpected guest. When he opens the door, however, Erwin finds himself wishing he would have glanced out the window, through the peephole, something to prepare him for who was waiting on the other side. Standing in front of him is Levi - flesh and bone - holding a stack of envelopes and gazing expectantly, yet silently, up at Erwin.

And for a brief, naive moment, Erwin lets himself believe that Levi is on his doorstep because he remembers - that he sought him out to tell him that he remembers their past life.

“Levi,” Erwin breaths without thinking about it, a hidden fondness in his voice that he doesn’t think to reel back until it’s too late, until he notices that the look in Levi’s eyes is the same from their meeting in the school.

_ He doesn’t remember _ .

Levi smiles up at him, thin and tight. “Yeah, hey,” he says, “I got some of your mail by accident.” Levi thrusts the envelopes forward, and numbly, Erwin takes them, watching Levi’s actions carefully. There’s just a hint of confusion in his eyes, as if he’s trying to work something out in his head, but Erwin tries not to read too much into it.

Instead, he takes the envelopes and smiles down at Levi, trying to put on his best, professional teacher-Erwin face. “This is awkward,” he admits, “I never asked where about you and Petra moved. Do you live around here?”

At Erwin’s words, Levi thankfully seems to relax. Whatever sort of confusion that had been in his eyes before dissipates, and he huffs out a quiet laugh, something Erwin has been dying to hear for ages. “Just a couple of houses down, actually,” he says, “What are the chances, right?”

Erwin smiles fondly at Levi in response, but the moment quickly becomes quiet and awkward, both men unsure of what to say. Erwin didn’t expect to see Levi again, especially not in a situation like this, and he has nothing planned to say. What  _ should _ he say? And Levi doesn’t seem too keen to leave immediately, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot in Erwin’s doorway. 

So naturally, Erwin steps aside slightly, politely. “Would you like to come inside?” he asks, “I was just about to make some tea.” It’s a lie, he was about to make dinner, but Erwin holds on to the little bit of hope that  _ this _ Levi is the same as  _ his _ Levi, that he wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea. 

For a split second, Erwin thinks that he’s going to be disappointed. Levi opens his mouth to say something, then promptly shuts it, glancing over his shoulder toward what Erwin assumes is his house. 

It’s a selfish request - he never should have asked - but Erwin wants Levi in his life, even as a friend. He wants to be selfish.

And then, Levi surprises him. “Yeah, sure,” he mutters, shrugging, “Tea sounds good.” He steps inside and Erwin shuts the door behind them, his own heart racing as Levi follows him into the kitchen.

Honestly, Erwin doesn’t drink tea very often, but he took to keeping a small assortment stocked in his kitchen, either out of habit or out of hope that he’d have a reason to dig into it. Now, looking at Levi over the island in his kitchen, he supposes that he does have a reason. Erwin gives Levi a choice from his small selection, and unsurprisingly, he choses the unopened black tea, so Erwin decides to make a cup for himself, as well. 

As soon as they each have a cup in their hands and as soon as Levi takes his first sip, he seems to relax considerably. He doesn’t hold his cup the same oddly specific way he did a lifetime ago, but his body seems to deflate the same way it did back then, when Levi would take his first sip of tea after a long day. Some things are the same, and some are vastly different. Either way, Erwin tries not to feel excited about it, about Levi standing in his kitchen, drinking tea with him. Instead, he just clears his throat, attempting to start a conversation. 

“I hope my tour of the school was sufficient,” he says with a smile, “I’m not used to sneaking people around the classrooms after dark.”

Levi huffs out a small laugh in return, and when he speaks, it’s into his cup. “Yeah, it was good,” he says, “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of illegal school tours in no time.”

Erwin wants to recognize Levi’s teasing tone as flirting, but he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, doesn’t want to read too much into things. Instead, he brushes the comment off, doesn’t respond to it. Instead, he keeps the conversation going. “How are you and Petra liking Portland so far?”

At that, Levi glances up at Erwin. His gaze is unreadable, as always, but it’s as if Erwin’s mention of his wife hits a switch. 

_ Wife _ , Erwin reminds himself,  _ he has a wife. _

“It -” he hesitates, as if trying to find the right words, distracted, “It’s going to take some getting used to, but I like it. It’s better than Utah.”

_ Utah. _ Erwin wants to kick himself. Levi was living in Utah before moving to Oregon, merely a state away from where he had been attending school, in one of the few states that Erwin has yet to visit. Somehow, that topic wasn’t brought up during their little tour.

“You grew up in Utah?” Erwin asks, curious. 

“No,” Levi shakes his head, “We grew up in Nevada and went to college in Utah.”

Erwin notes the way that Levi says  _ we _ , as in him and Petra. That means they found one another before college, probably grew up together. Erwin never stood a chance. He almost feels sick, but somehow, he manages to hold it together. 

“What made you want to move out here?” he asks, tone casual. It’s fine, he can ask Levi questions. This is what new friends do.  _ Friends.  _

If Levi is put off by the third degree, he doesn’t say anything about it. He does, however, eye Erwin for a moment, as if he can see right through him, before he answers. “We figured it would be a better environment to raise kids,” he explains, “It was Petra’s idea, actually.”

“I see,” Erwin murmurs. He tries not to think about Petra and Levi having children, but at the same time, he wonders what they would look like. Would they have fiery red hair like Petra, or would they inherit Levi’s dark locks and sharp features? 

“What about you?” Levi asks, shaking Erwin out of his thoughts, “Where’d you grow up and go to college? Why’d you move to Portland?” His tone is teasing, clearly poking fun at the questioning that he just received from Erwin, and Erwin smiles in return, playing along.

“Well, I grew up on the east coast, traveled a little bit before going to college in Colorado, and Portland just...  _ happened. _ ” Erwin still doesn’t quite know how he ended up in the Pacific Northwest… He just  _ did _ . Looking back on it, maybe it was fate, given his circumstances now. Maybe, he was drawn to Oregon because of the beautiful coastline or the lush, green landscape. It’s vastly different from life behind the walls. He felt walled in on the east coast at times. There were too many buildings, he couldn’t see the horizon or the sky properly and sometimes it felt like being trapped behind the walls again. 

“How long have you lived here?” Levi asks, interrupting Erwin’s train of thought once more. 

“About five years now,” he answers with a smile.

Levi hums in response, their conversation tapering off once more. There are a million things that Erwin wants to ask Levi, but he can’t bring himself to say any of it. He wants to ask about his childhood, wants to know that it was better than his past life,  _ hopes _ it was better than his past life. He wants to ask how he and Petra met, when they got married, how he knew she was the one, but those are questions you don’t ask someone upon the first time  _ actually _ talking to them. If Erwin is going to try to be friends with Levi, that can wait. He can wait.

Erwin opens his mouth to say something - to invite him and Petra over for dinner sometime - but he doesn’t get the chance, because Levi is speaking over him suddenly, setting his cup on the kitchen island. “I should get going,” he says suddenly. It’s short, cold, and completely different from the friendly way that Levi had just been talking with Erwin.

But that doesn’t stop Erwin from nodding, setting his own cup of tea down as well, trying to take everything in stride. “I’ll walk you out,” he offers, letting Levi lead the way. He wants to ask him why the sudden change in mood, what he did or said wrong, but he can’t bring himself to do so. The last thing he wants to do is push Levi away when they’ve only just begun speaking. 

It isn’t until Levi is standing in Erwin’s open doorway once more that he turns, looking up at Erwin again. “Thanks for the tea,” he mutters.

“Anytime,” Erwin replies softly.

And then, Levi surprises him once more.

“Do you want to grab drinks sometime?” he asks, blunt and to the point. The change in mood is surprising yet again, especially when he shifts his weight from foot to foot again, but doesn’t break eye contact with Erwin. And when Erwin merely gapes - because he wasn’t expecting  _ that _ \- Levi feels the need to explain himself. “I don’t really know anyone around here, and I don’t know the area at all-”

“I’d love to show you around,” Erwin says, before Levi can take his silence as a no. Maybe he sounds a little too enthusiastic about it, but he can’t help it.

He wants to be selfish. 

“Do you-”

“I have your number,” Levi interrupts, in reference to Erwin’s business card.

“Oh, right” Erwin says, “Actually, that’s my office number. I can give you my cell, if you’d like.”

Levi eyes Erwin for a moment, as if weighing the pros and cons silently before nodding, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket and handing it wordlessly over to Erwin, who types his number in quickly and saves it before handing it back. 

And then, Levi’s turning on his heel, his own mail and cell phone in hand, calling out an, “I’ll call you,” over his shoulder.

As soon as Levi turns down the sidewalk back to his house, Erwin shuts the front door. His legs carry him numbly back to the kitchen where his and Levi’s cups sit on the counter. Levi’s tea isn’t even gone, and Erwin silently wonders what made him want to leave so suddenly. It wasn’t something that he did, of that much he is certain, considering Levi still got his number before leaving, still offered to go out sometime, but he can’t seem to figure it out. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Erwin’s thoughts are already swimming with  _ Levi, _ and he knows that this isn’t good, that this isn’t what he needs. It’s only going to end badly, because Levi is married and he should leave him alone, let him be happy.

But again, Erwin wants Levi in his life. For once in his life - for once in both of his lifetimes - he wants to be selfish. 


	3. Like You've Seen A Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Lately you've been looking at me like you've seen a ghost_  
>  _And isn't it obvious who's been missing who the most_  
>  \- [Long Lost Friends](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu_lpvuczRQ) \- Transit
> 
> I know the first few chapters have been a little slow going, but things will be picking up and moving on a bit quicker after this one! You'll also start to see a little bit more of Levi's side of things as it goes on.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who has been reading this! (Also I kind of skimmed this chapter while proofreading because I was anxious to get it up, so if you see any issues, please let me know!)

Levi has never been great at making friends. A prime example is Petra; she had been his only close childhood friend, and he ended up marrying her. He just… It’s hard for him to connect with other people, let alone feel close with them or enjoy their company enough to put up with their bullshit. It’s been like that ever since Levi can remember, so when he finds himself handing Erwin Smith, the schoolteacher from down the street, his phone to save his number, it’s a first for him. 

Erwin hadn’t been the one to invite Levi out for drinks sometime, to ask for his number or offer to show him around, since he’s new in town and all. Instead, Levi had been the one to initiate that - Erwin had merely invited him inside for tea.

Maybe that’s why Levi enjoys Erwin’s company. Unlike most people, he didn’t come off too strong, too much or too threatening. He simply offered Levi a cup of tea when he showed up on his doorstep with his mail in hand and made some simple conversation, but nothing more. Maybe that’s what drew Levi to Erwin, made him want to get to know him, go grab drinks with him. It’s almost as if he understands Levi already, but that can’t be possible. 

It’s also partially because of how different Levi sometimes feels in contrast to Petra. She’s great at making new friends, gets along with just about everyone she meets. Even in Utah, Petra had a rather close group of friends that she liked to hang out with, and while Levi was completely okay with being part of that group or staying home while she went out, moving to Portland is a new chapter in his life - in  _ their _ life. Maybe he should try to make new friends here. 

And there’s also that little nagging familiarity in the back of Levi’s head when he thinks about the schoolteacher. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for him to step out of his comfort zone, to ask the other man to show him around, to become his friend, essentially.

Petra gets home from work about half an hour after Levi returns from Erwin’s house that evening, and he wastes no time in telling her all about it - how the teacher they met a week ago just happens to live a few houses down, how he invited Levi inside for tea, and that Levi doesn’t mind his company. Naturally, Petra is excited at the development. She doesn’t say it, but she doesn’t have to for Levi to understand that she’s happy that he’s making friends, that he’ll know somebody in Portland. But for some reason, Levi feels strangely guilty about it.

Beneath everything - the basic human need to make connections, to make friends, and his own need to get to know the area more - Levi feels oddly connected to Erwin, though he has only spoken to him twice. There’s something about Erwin that draws Levi to him, and he can’t place a finger on what, exactly. There’s a fondness, a familiarity that he feels around Erwin - that he felt both times he spoke to him - and it only got stronger as he stood in his kitchen, drinking tea with him.

The more Levi thinks about it, the more he wonders if that’s just what people feel when they become friends with someone - after all, he’d felt it with Petra when they were kids, before the romantic interest was even there. But still, that feeling of familiarity sits weird with Levi - it’s why he felt the need to leave Erwin’s house suddenly that afternoon, even though he hadn’t finished his tea yet, even though the conversation and company wasn’t bad. It felt strange, as if they were two friends reconnecting after years apart - their quick banter back and forth had felt natural - but that’s impossible.

They don’t know one another. At least not yet.

But with Petra’s enthusiastic blessing (and a little bit of nagging) Levi eventually sends Erwin a text message a few days later. In retrospect, it’s a late when he sends the message - it’s a little after eleven at night, Petra is already asleep in bed next to him - so Levi isn’t surprised when he doesn’t receive a message immediately in response to his text;

_ Hey. It’s Levi. Wanna grab drinks tomorrow? _

It’s a simple message, no pressure, but Levi figures that now is as good as ever. Petra is going to be working late tomorrow, and if Levi doesn’t go out, he’ll probably end up bored at home, so he decides to take advantage of his budding friendship with their neighbor. 

So why does it feel like so much more than that?

* * *

 

Erwin wants to give Levi his space. He wants to be selfish, but he knows he should give Levi some room, not force anything on him. If the other man wants to be friends with him, they can be friends, but Erwin is glad that he gave Levi his number, and not the other way around. If he had the other man’s phone number, it would drive him insane. He doesn’t know if he could refrain from trying to connect with him on some level.

So when Levi doesn’t text or call Erwin immediately, Erwin tries to swallow his disappointment.

At the heart of it, Levi is a married man, plain and simple. If they were any other two people, not connected by a past life like they are, there would be  _ no _ chance of a relationship between them. A friendship, yes, of course, but Erwin finds that he has to constantly remind himself that nothing can or will happen between them. 

Levi has Petra in this life, and that’s fine.

However, that doesn’t mean that Erwin can say no to him. When he finally receives a text from Levi, a few nights after their second encounter, he’s definitely a little excited. He can’t help the way his heart leaps in his chest at the sight of the name  _ Levi _ in the text from an unknown number. He also can’t help the way he overthinks the simple text message, typing out a reply at first before deleting it and starting over.

_ He’s married _ , Erwin reminds himself,  _ Don’t be selfish. _

He waits to reply to Levi until the next morning, and when he does, it’s a simple response, one that Levi won’t be able to read into, not that he’d want to, anyway.

_ Sure! Would you like to meet somewhere downtown? _

A few text messages back and forth, and plans are made. Levi is to meet Erwin at a bar and grill not far from the heart of downtown when he gets off work. That way, they’re close to the city, in case Levi wants Erwin to show him around, but still in a relatively comfortable environment in case Levi just wants to simply grab something to drink and talk. Erwin also makes sure that it’s one of the nicer, more upscale bars downtown, as he knows Levi won’t appreciate the clutter of any of the smaller dive bars.

He wants to give Levi his space, but he can’t say no, so that’s how Erwin finds himself taking a seat in the bar shortly after work, still wearing the sweater that he’d chosen for work, rather than taking the time to go home and change. Erwin wants to give Levi space, but he wants to be part of his life, so that’s how he finds himself eagerly waiting for him to arrive, smiling and offering him a small wave when he finally sees Levi walk in the front door of the restaurant. And that little selfish part of Erwin takes in the sight of Levi before he’s close enough to tell, memorizing the way that his hair falls in his face when he glances down, the way that his dark blue shirt accents his eyes and skin tone, the way his jeans hug his hips…

As Levi approaches him, he seems to inspect the room, eyes scanning every nook and cranny before relaxing slightly, apparently in approval. He takes a seat across from Erwin at the table and offers him a tight smile in greeting. “Hey.”

“Hello, Levi,” Erwin replies, offering Levi a smile as well, “How was your day?”

Levi shrugs. “Fine,” he then nods at the dark beer sitting in front of Erwin, half of which is gone, “Getting started without me?”

Erwin’s smile widens, and deep down, part of him is glad that Levi feels comfortable enough around him to give him shit, to tease him a little. “I got done at the school a little earlier than I anticipated,” he explains, “So figured that I should just head over here.”

Levi hums, nodding before snatching a drink menu off of the table. Their conversation is light at first, Levi asking Erwin for his recommendation on local craft beers, and Erwin pointing out his favorites before Levi choses one that he doesn’t mention (naturally). Erwin orders a basket of fries when the server comes to take Levi’s order, and eventually, they fall into easy conversation. 

Over their drinks and fries (which Levi keeps stealing, though Erwin offers them to him) Levi asks a few questions about the area - good places to go for dinner, decent hiking trails, sights to see - before the conversation becomes more personal. Levi mentions that it wasn’t as  _ green _ in Utah or Nevada, and Erwin tries to relate, mentioning that areas of Oregon are much different than what he was used to, growing up in the city. 

“So, what made you want to be a teacher?” Levi asks after a brief silence between the two of them, each of them ordering another drink before the conversation continues. 

Erwin raises his eyebrows. If he thinks about it, the conversation hasn’t necessarily been about  _ Portland _ for a little while, but no question or topic of conversation had been as personal as this question. He swallows his surprise, however, and manages an answer after a moment, reminding himself that Levi is asking because they’re becoming friends. Nothing else. 

“I’ve wanted to teach for as long as I can remember,” Erwin answers, and part of him wishes that Levi knew the truth of his words. Even in his past life, Erwin looked forward to a future without titans, where he could maybe retire, or pursue teaching the truth, as his father had once tried to do. He was never able to achieve those goals back then, though, so this lifetime will do.

“My father passed away when I was young, and he was a teacher as well. It just felt right,” he explains. 

Levi hums at Erwin’s words, and instead of saying anything in response, he reaches for his drink, finishing it off in a few gulps. It’s apparent that Erwin’s mention of his father’s passing has made Levi slightly uncomfortable - or at least hit a nerve with him - and Erwin begins to wonder what kind of role Levi’s parents played in this life. He vividly remembers when Levi told him about his mother one night in their past life. It was shortly after Kenny died, in between battles. They were laying in bed (naked, close, holding onto one another for the first time in a long time) and Levi was resting his head on Erwin’s chest, obviously deep in thought. When Levi began to tell Erwin about his mother - how he never met his father, he was probably just some scumbag acquaintance of hers, how he woke up one morning and she was just  _ gone _ \- Erwin pulled him closer, kissed the top of his head, and told him that he loved him. It was one of Levi’s rare moments of vulnerability, and Erwin holds the memory close even now. 

Erwin wonders if this life was kinder to Levi, if he grew up with a family who loved him, or who - at the very least - lived long enough for him to get to know, but by the way that Levi avoids the subject of family altogether, Erwin assumes otherwise. Like before, Erwin wants to pull Levi close, kiss his hair and murmur his love into his ear, but he can’t now.

So instead, Erwin clears his throat, changing the subject for Levi’s sake. “I never asked what it is that you do,” he says, hoping that it helps shake Levi out of his thoughts.

“I’m a physical therapist,” Levi says, and thankfully, Erwin’s words seem to do the trick, because he’s looking up at him once more. “I actually  _ just _ got a job at the rehabilitation center not too far from here.”

It makes sense, naturally. As much as Levi didn’t like to admit it in their past life, he enjoyed helping people. He would bitch and complain about the kids (the brats, as he affectionately called them) but he cared for them and wanted to see them succeed. When Hanji was injured in battle, Levi helped them regain control of their arm, helped them get back into fighting shape without even being asked. Hell, even when Levi hurt his ankle and Erwin insisted that Levi sit it out, he was constantly working on rehabilitating himself. 

“Our careers are somewhat similar, you know,” Erwin offers after a moment, shooting a smile Levi’s way. 

Levi furrows his eyebrows in response, but doesn’t have a chance to reply right away, as their server interrupts briefly when she brings their drinks over. “That’s a stretch,” Levi says in a teasing tone as soon as she walks away.

Erwin merely shrugs in response. “Somewhat,” he counters, “But we both enjoy helping others.”

Levi chuckles, shaking his head at Erwin’s attempt the relate their vastly different career paths. “You mold their minds, I help their bodies,” he offers.

“Exactly,” Erwin says with a laugh, and only earns another head shake from Levi, who takes a moment to take a swig of his beer. Erwin does the same. 

“I don’t know how you handle a bunch of brats all day,” Levi says after a pause, smile on his face. 

Erwin opens his mouth to counter it, to say something in return, but he’s stopped short by Levi’s word choice. If Erwin were to close his eyes, it would be easy to imagine that he’s talking to the same old Levi again. In many ways, this  _ is _ the same Levi. In others, he’s vastly different.

Hopefully, Erwin does a good job at covering up his surprise at Levi’s wording though, answering with, “Says the man who wanted a tour of my school to make sure it would be good enough for his future children.”

“ _ Hah, _ ” Levi mutters, “Doesn’t mean I like kids.”

Erwin raises his eyebrows in surprise. Petra had said that they were trying to have kids, but… He shakes the thought from his head as fast as it appears. If Levi and Petra have differing opinions on children, or are having problems with their relationship, that is none of his business. It’s also nothing he should feel excited about.

Apparently, though, Levi catches Erwin’s surprise before he can hide it, sighing after a moment. “Petra really wants kids,” he says as an explanation. He doesn’t elaborate, doesn’t mention if they’ve been trying to have children, or if he wants them as well, but instead, just leaves it at that.

Unfortunately, it also unintentionally leaves Erwin in an awkward position, because he wants to be happy that Levi and Petra may not agree about children, that their marriage may not be perfect, but on the other hand he feels like a terrible person for even entertaining that thought. Levi’s marriage - children or not - is none of Erwin’s business.

They’re  _ friends _ . But he has to keep reminding himself of that. 

Again, Erwin must pause for too long, must hesitate finding the right words to say in response, because before he even has a chance to reply to Levi’s admission, the other man is talking again. When Erwin looks up at him, Levi looks both confused and surprised, as if he’s also shocked that he shared that bit of personal information with Erwin.

“This might sound really weird,” he starts, voice hesitant, careful, “But I’ve been wondering this since we met. Do I know you from somewhere?”

And with just those words, Levi manages to make Erwin’s heart skip a beat.

Does Levi remember him? Maybe those memories are there, he just hasn’t put two and two together… It would make sense, considering the air of familiarity between them. Erwin thought he might just be imagining things - Levi’s subtle flirting, the way he opened up much faster than he did when Erwin first met him before - but maybe he isn’t. Maybe Levi feels it too.

He tries not to get his hopes up, though. Instead, Erwin swallows it down, doing a (hopefully) good job of furrowing his eyebrows and feigning confusion. “What do you mean?” he asks, hoping to get more information from Levi.

The other man simply sighs in response, though. “I don’t know,” he mutters, “You just seem really familiar.”

“Hmm…” Erwin muses, seemingly deep in thought. Part of him just wants to come right out and say it -  _ it’s because we shared a past life, we were together back then -  _ but he’d never be able to live with himself if he threw that on Levi and it resulted in the other man pushing him away. Instead, he plays dumb. “Did you ever make any trips to Colorado when you were living in Utah?”

Levi shakes his head, eyebrows still furrowed in confusion. “No,” he mutters, “And it’s not that, it’s just… We click, and normally I don’t  _ like _ other people, let alone click with them.”

It’s not the answer Erwin is looking for, but he can’t help but smile at Levi’s response. Even if he doesn’t remember, apparently Levi still feels that connection between them.  Erwin wants to give him his space, but he also wants to be selfish, and right now, he’s going to be selfish. 

“I wish I could give you an answer,” Erwin says, “But I don’t think we’ve met before.”

For a split second, he sees Levi’s face fall, as if he had been hoping for a different answer, so quickly, Erwin speaks up again. 

“I do enjoy your company, though,” he says with a smile, “And if you don’t  _ click _ with many people, I feel honored.”

And at that, the spell seems to break. Levi barks out a laugh, mumbling, “Damn straight you feel honored.”

Erwin chuckles in response. It isn’t what he wanted, but he’ll take it. Levi feels that connection between them, and Erwin can live with that. Even if he’s only part of Levi’s life as a friend and nothing more, he can live with it.

Or at least he hopes he can.


	4. Intertwining Your Soul With Somebody Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I don't want your body_  
>  _But I hate to think about you with somebody else_  
>  _Our love has gone cold_  
>  _You're intertwining your soul with somebody else_  
>  \- [Somebody Else](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bimd2nZirT4) \- The 1975
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and I hope you all enjoy it as well! Also there's a rating change!

Over the course of the next few weeks and into the next few months, as spring fades into summer and then fall as the leaves begin to change, Levi slowly becomes a bigger part of Erwin’s life. It’s unintentional - Erwin never meant for it to go so far, to get so attached - but they’re drawn to one another, and he can’t change that. Even if it’s in a strictly platonic sense in this lifetime, Erwin finds that whenever Levi has downtime, it is spent in Erwin’s house, having a cup of tea or a beer and talking about work, little mundane things that they never would have discussed in a past life. They never had the time, after all. 

A few months after Levi and Petra come into Erwin’s life, it becomes routine nearly every Wednesday for Erwin and Levi to meet up after work and grab drinks or a bite to eat before Levi goes home. It turns out that both men get off early on Wednesdays - it’s a slow day for Levi and school lets out a couple of hours early for Erwin - so it becomes an unspoken thing. They agree on a bar, restaurant or cafe during the day, and meet there after work. Erwin tells himself it’s because Levi doesn’t have any friends in Portland, because he wants to get to know the city better, but by the time they begin to visit the same place more than once, it becomes harder and harder for Erwin to convince himself of that.

For Levi, it’s something that he has never had before. Petra is a constant thing, has been a part of his life for as long as he can remember, so getting to know someone new - and getting to know a new city along with it - is nice. That, and the company isn’t terrible. As Levi admitted upon their third meeting, he and Erwin just  _ click _ . While sometimes, it leaves him feeling unsettled, especially when he finds himself opening up more than he usually would or feeling far too familiar around someone he’s only known for a couple of months, Levi doesn’t mind Erwin’s company.

Over time, they become friends.

_ Friends _ , Erwin reminds himself, even as he grows to know Levi’s favorite coffee shops and bars in the city. They’re only friends, he tells himself, even as he stops by Levi’s work one afternoon with coffee and a danish for the other man, just because. Levi likes his coffee and tea sweeter in this lifetime, and Erwin learns and adapts to that quickly while Levi teases him for knowing his coffee order by heart. 

They’re just friends, and Erwin wants to be okay with that, wants to justify it by convincing himself that maybe, they’re just not meant for one another in this world. Despite the way that his heart leaps in his chest every time he sees Levi, whenever they accidentally brush hands across the table or walking down the busy street, Erwin convinces himself that they would never work together in this lifetime. They’re too different, now, and even as their friendship grows, Erwin tells himself that he and Levi are better off as friends in this life.

In fact, sometimes he wonders if the only reason that they ever became more than friends in their past life was due to their circumstances.  _ Maybe _ , their relationship was born from shared trauma, something they could never experience in this lifetime. Levi and Erwin were forced together back then, even if Erwin had played a hand in Levi’s involvement in the Survey Corps. At the heart of it, they were two men who should have never met, let alone connected, but they did, and as their friendship in this lifetime grows, Erwin wonders if they connected in the way that they did because they had those shared experiences. They understood one another back then in ways that they never could now, and Erwin tries to accept that, to move on from it, because he’d rather have Levi in his life as a friend than not at all.

But it’s difficult. It’s hard when Erwin catches glimpses of the old Levi when they go out for coffee after work, or in the way that Levi and Petra talk to one another when they invite Erwin over for dinner - because of course he can’t say no. Even the way that Levi holds himself at times is very similar to their past life, as if he’s always on guard, ready for anything, proud and confident despite his stature.

It’s hard for Erwin to accept the fact that they’re friends, and only friends, especially after the moment in the bar the first time they met up after work, when Levi had looked at him like he remembered him, but he moves past it. Or at least he tries to. Erwin never forces himself or his friendship on Levi. When Wednesdays together become part of their routine, it’s Levi who initiates it one afternoon over coffee, muttering a simple, “We should do this more often.” When Erwin finds himself in Levi’s company some weekends, it’s because Levi called him up, bored because Petra went out with some of her co-workers and he has nothing to do. It wouldn’t be fair if Erwin forced Levi into a friendship that he didn’t want in the first place, so he never pushes, never asks too much, and always waits for Levi to come to him. And if he doesn’t, Erwin reminds himself that Levi is a married man, that he was happy with Petra before he met Erwin, and he’d be happy without him.

But Levi always comes to Erwin.

One evening in particular, Erwin finds himself sitting on his sofa, enjoying a glass of wine and watching a movie, when there’s an unexpected knock on his front door. Before even standing, Erwin glances at the clock, noticing that it’s just a little past eight, and while it’s not late, he wonders who it could be. Levi is usually busy on Fridays, out with Petra, showing her some of the places he has discovered on his Wednesday lunches with Erwin, so Erwin automatically assumes that it isn’t him. He’s not the only person in Erwin’s life, after all, as much as it feels like he is.

When Erwin rises from his couch, he gives himself a quick once over, deciding that he looks good enough for his unexpected guest, despite the fact that he’s wearing some soft pajama pants and a loose fitting t-shirt. His neighbors have seen him in worse.

Erwin is surprised yet again, however, when he glances through the peephole this time to find Levi standing on the other side of the door, arms crossed, looking over his shoulder. Without thinking about it, Erwin unlocks and opens the door, revealing Levi, who honestly looks a little bit distraught upon a closer look. He doesn’t wear it all over his face, but his body language tells Erwin otherwise - his tense shoulders, crossed arms, and the way that he doesn’t look up at Erwin or meet his eyes right away. 

“Levi,” Erwin says in greeting, “Are you alright?”

And finally, Levi looks up at him. His eyes look tired, exhausted from whatever has him looking so upset, but when he looks up at Erwin, he tries to reign in his emotions. “I-” he starts to say, but then stops himself, as if he’s actually surprised that he’s standing on Erwin’s doorstep. He looks Erwin up and down, taking in his attire and his dim house before frowning. “I’m sorry, it’s late.”

Erwin smiles, warm and inviting in response, hoping to make Levi feel more comfortable. “It’s alright, I’m not doing anything,” he assures. The look on Levi’s face and the tone of his voice are slightly concerning, though. In the few months that Levi and Erwin have been friends, he has never once showed up at his house like this. It’s chilly outside, Erwin notes, and Levi isn’t even wearing a jacket, is hugging a thin t-shirt to his body.

“Would you like to come in?” he offers before he has a chance to think about it. It comes as second nature to him.

Thankfully, though, Levi nods wordlessly in return, so Erwin steps to the side, shutting the door behind them. Without a word, Erwin leads the way into the kitchen, and Levi follows closely behind. It has become routine over the past few months for Erwin to make tea whenever Levi comes over (which has become more and more often, actually) but when Erwin glances Levi’s way for the first time since letting him into his house, he decides that maybe, he needs something stronger than tea.

Levi doesn’t look okay, and Erwin doesn’t know what drew him here, but he’s not going to turn him away, and he’s certainly not going to make him feel unwelcome. He wants to be a part of Levi’s life, after all, the good and bad.

When Erwin grabs a couple of glasses out of the cupboard and reaches for the opened bottle of wine, he doesn’t receive a protest from Levi. Instead of asking, Erwin simply pours him a glass, trying to ignore the way that Levi stands awkwardly on the other end of the island, silent, palms flat on the counter. It’s certainly not the first time that Levi has been in Erwin’s house, but it’s different,  _ he’s _ different. Erwin can tell that much from just one glance in his direction. 

Erwin doesn’t want to pry, but he wants to make sure that Levi is okay, so when he hands him the glass of wine, he hesitates, hand lingering on it for just a moment too long before handing it over to Levi. “Do you want to talk about it?” Erwin asks as Levi takes the glass, sniffing at the liquid before taking a sip. Erwin doesn’t even know what  _ it _ is, but Levi is distraught, his jaw set tight, eyes darting around the room, landing anywhere but on Erwin, and he wouldn’t have shown up at Erwin’s doorstep unannounced like this unless it was important. Or so he hopes. 

Unsurprisingly, though, Levi shakes his head, jaw still tight, eyes still averted. “No.”

Erwin lets out a breath. “Alright,” he says on a sigh, and he drops it. If Levi doesn’t want to talk, Erwin can’t force him. Instead, before the other man can say anything else, he asks, “Do you want to watch a movie?”

And to that, Levi nods.

There is something wrong - Levi wouldn’t have shown up on his doorstep like he did otherwise - but Erwin knows better than to push Levi into opening up about it. He hopes that this is one of the ways that this Levi is the same as  _ his _ Levi, the Levi from their past life. He’ll open up on his own time, and if Erwin attempts to push him into doing so, it’ll only succeed in pushing him away more.

So as much as Erwin wants to help Levi with  _ whatever _ he’s dealing with, he waits. He hits play on the action movie he’d been watching - something on netflix that he’d never heard of before - and sits quietly at Levi’s side. Or well,  _ near _ his side. There’s a safe distance between the two of them, where Erwin sits comfortably on his own sofa and where Levi sits, curled up and rigid, grasping his glass of wine like it’ll disappear if he sets it down for one moment. In order to fill the awkward silence, Erwin beings to give Levi the synopsis of the movie so far, filling him in up until the point that they’re at. And unsurprisingly, Levi doesn’t say much in response. 

But Erwin waits. He’s patient. He has been patient for his entire life, waiting for Levi, has been patient ever since meeting him again in this life. Erwin knows that it isn’t going to be easy, that it hasn’t been, and this is just another step. Levi came to  _ him _ when something was wrong, and that’s good,  _ right? _

So Erwin knows when to push and when to wait, and he knows that this is just one of those things that he’ll have to wait for - he just doesn’t expect it to only take about forty-five minutes. About halfway through the movie - Erwin is only half paying attention, if he’s being honest, more worried about Levi than anything - he gets up to grab the bottle of wine. When he returns to the sofa, Erwin pours them each another glass, deciding to leave the bottle on the table and return to his place on the couch rather than going back to the kitchen. And when Erwin finally sits back down, Levi speaks. 

It’s quiet, barely there, but Levi’s words sound sturdy, certain, as if it’s something he’s been thinking about for a while now. 

“I’m fucking terrified of having children.”

It’s an admission, and a surprisingly personal one at that, one that Erwin decides deserves his full attention. Anything Levi says deserves his full attention, so Erwin swallows, pauses the movie, and waits for Levi to go on, knowing that he wouldn’t have said anything if he didn’t plan to elaborate.

Sure enough, Levi sets his glass of wine down on the table. He shakes his head at himself, but doesn’t look up at Erwin. “I’d be a terrible parent,” he mutters, “It’s not like my family has the best track record.”

_ Those _ words come as a surprise to Erwin. In the few months that they have been getting to know one another, Levi has never once mentioned his family, and Erwin never asked about them. Just as in their past life, Erwin decided that if Levi wanted to tell him, he could on his own accord. Even now when he mentions his family and his past, Erwin doesn’t want to pry. Levi will open up if he wants to.

Erwin does, however, try to reassure him, make him feel better, because Levi had these same reservations in a past life. Sure, it wasn’t about being a parent, per se, but rather about leading a squad, training new cadets. After Farlan and Isabel’s deaths, Levi accepted Erwin’s offer to remain with the Survey Corps, and further down the line even accepted the position as his Captain, but he had reservations about being in charge of others. More importantly, Levi had reservations about being in charge of those younger than him -  _ kids. _ At the root of it, Erwin knew it was because he didn’t want any more blood on his hands, because he didn’t want to let anyone down.

In this life, it may be a different scenario, but it seems that he still has those same reservations. Instead of his fear of failing a group of cadets or getting new trainees killed, Levi is afraid of being a bad parent, doesn’t want to be a disappointment.

“You would not be a terrible parent,” Erwin assures, “You’re great with kids.”

And it’s true. As much as Levi never wanted to admit it, he  _ was _ good with the kids. Hell, even with Eren Yeager and his friends… In fact, they were like Levi’s kids - they looked up to him, aspired to be like him, obeyed him. He practically raised them, and in Erwin’s opinion, Levi did a damn good job.

Erwin doesn’t realize his slight slip-up, however, until Levi glances up at him, eyes narrowed in confusion.

“How would you know that?” his tone isn’t accusing, necessarily, but more so confused, curious. How would Erwin know whether he’s good with kids or not?

Immediately, Erwin realizes his mistake, cursing himself internally. He let himself slip, found himself feeling as if he was talking to the Levi from his past life, because they had this conversation before, back then. They nearly said these same exact words to one another when Levi was terrified of leading a squad for the first time, worried that he’d let them down or get them killed. Erwin had to assure him that they knew what they were getting into, that he was good with the cadets.

“Sorry,” Erwin mutters, “I meant I’m  _ sure _ you’re great with kids.”

Levi scoffs at Erwin’s words, but thankfully, he seems to think nothing of his little fuck-up. In fact, he seems to forget all about it, his face suddenly falling as he looks down at his hands again. Immediately, the his tone is serious again. “It’s not just that,” Levi says, shaking his head, “I don't - I don’t even know if I  _ want _ kids.”

And  _ then _ the severity of the conversation seems to hit Erwin. This isn’t just about Levi’s fear of having children. Levi more than likely found himself on Erwin’s doorstep because he got in an argument with Petra about children, stormed out of the house and came to the first place that he felt comfortable - here.

Erwin tries not to draw conclusions, though, tries not to assume anything. Instead, he turns toward Levi on the sofa, setting his own glass of wine down, as well. “What brought this on, Levi?”

Levi sighs. Still, he avoids Erwin’s eyes, instead fidgeting his restless hands, watching them as if it’ll help him work out whatever is going on in his head. “Petra and I were talking about it,” he admits, “And she could tell that I didn’t really have a strong opinion either way.”

At that, he glances up at Erwin, and when Erwin only looks at Levi expectantly, Levi takes another deep breath and continues. “It’s just… I want to be able to give her everything she wants…”

“But you can’t just do things to make her happy-” Erwin infers before he has a chance to stop himself. He isn’t supposed to be supporting Levi here, telling him that he’s potentially right in disagreeing with his  _ wife _ , but it kills Erwin to see him like this - unsure, worried, restless. This isn’t the Levi he knows, normally so level-headed, proud and strong.

“Which is exactly what  _ she _ said,” Levi sighs, shaking Erwin from his thoughts, “But… The thing is,  _ I _ don’t know what I want. I never have. It’s just easier to do what she wants.”

Erwin’s eyes narrow at that, struggling to understand what Levi means. “I’m not sure I follow.”

“If she wants to go to college out of state, then we’ll go to college out of state,” Levi says as a form of explanation. Erwin immediately catches the reference, remembering that Levi and Petra went to school together in Utah, leaving behind their home state of Nevada. Is he implying that he only went along with it because it was what Petra wanted?

“If she wants to move to Portland, we’ll move to Portland,” Levi continues, “If she wants to get married, wants to have kids-”

Suddenly, Levi cuts himself off, realizing that he has revealed too much. It’s a big admission, and honestly, it catches Erwin by surprise. Part of him wants to be happy that Levi’s marriage with Petra obviously isn’t perfect, but he squashes that thought down. Levi isn’t happy, is obviously struggling, and Erwin can’t be happy about that.

“I’m sorry,” Levi mutters after a moment of stunned silence on both of their parts.

“Don’t be,”  Erwin insists, “It’s alright. Those are big decisions.”

_ “Yeah,” _ Levi says on an exhale.

And for a moment, silence hangs in the air. Levi is obviously cautious to say more, aware that he has already said too much, and Erwin is still attempting to understand what this admission means. Levi obviously loves Petra, he wouldn’t be this distraught if he didn’t, but…

But nothing. Levi is with Petra.

“I just -  _ fuck, _ ” Levi bites, shaking Erwin out of his thoughts once more, “I’m almost fucking thirty and I don’t know what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted to major in, I didn’t know if I wanted to get married, I don’t know if I want kids… But I want Petra to be happy.”

Erwin wonders if deep down, subconsciously, Levi wants these things for Petra because of his guilt from their past life. As much as Levi never admitted it, he blamed himself for her death - for his squad’s death. 

“But you can’t sacrifice your happiness for someone else’s,” Erwin insists, an echo of similar words he’s said before.

_ “You can’t blame yourself for their deaths.” _

And like in their past life, Levi just shrugs in response.

Erwin takes a moment to assess the situation and the dynamic between them. Levi wouldn’t have come to him, wouldn’t be saying these things to him if he didn’t feel comfortable, so after a moment, Erwin reaches out, a hand on Levi’s knee. “Levi, I’m not going to pretend to know or understand what you and Petra are going through,” he says, voice soft, “But you have to do what makes you happy.”

And in a split second, Levi’s entire demeanor seems to change. He becomes stiff, tense, eyes darting up to lock on Erwin. When he speaks, his voice is harsh, hushed. “If you’re implying that I leave her -”

“No, not at all,” Erwin backpedals, pulling his hand away from Levi’s knee immediately. He should have known better than to get so close, to say so much. He let his own feelings get in the way, ran his mouth…

“That’s not how I do shit,” Levi bites, shifting away from Erwin on the sofa, “I wouldn’t just leave her if -”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Levi,” Erwin interrupts, hands up, as if to show that he means no harm, “I apologize if it came across that way. I just mean that maybe, you should find something that makes you happy.”

Levi eyes Erwin for a moment, as if assessing the situation, deciding if Erwin is telling the truth before finally relaxing once more. 

“Easier said than done,” he sighs, leaning back against the couch and closing his eyes.

At the way that Levi’s body seems to deflate at his words, Erwin knows that this outburst, Levi showing up on his doorstep with these bottled up feelings and words and emotions, isn’t random. This is obviously something that Levi has been holding in for a while, especially with the way he brings up college, marriage, kids… Levi loves Petra, that much Erwin can tell, but no marriage is perfect, apparently. 

After a few moments of silence, Erwin relaxes into the couch slightly as well, and after another quiet minute, he chances another question. “Well, what makes you happy, Levi?” he asks, trying to change the topic, trying to make Levi feel better.

Levi’s eyes open, and for a moment, he just lies there before sitting up, reaching out to pluck his glass of wine off of the table before taking a long drink. “Wine,” he answers bluntly.

Erwin huffs out a soft laugh. “That’s a start.”

Again, it’s quiet between the two of them for a few moments. Levi relaxes at Erwin’s side yet again, falling close to him on the sofa, their thighs touching. After a moment, he mutters out one soft word. “This…”

Erwin knows what the word means, what Levi is implying -  _ this,  _ sitting next to him on the sofa, drinking wine and talking, makes him happy - but Erwin can’t help but look down at Levi at his admission. Eventually, Levi does return Erwin’s gaze when the other man doesn’t look away, narrowing his eyes as he finally looks up at him once more. “ _ What _ ?” Levi bites, but there’s no venom in his voice. In fact, he almost looks unsure, as if he’s second guessing what he just said. 

While Erwin wants to push, wants Levi to elaborate, he doesn’t. Instead, he just smiles, shaking his head and feigning ignorance. “Nothing.”

It isn’t long after that before Levi is hastily finishing off his glass of wine in an effort to get home, most likely. Erwin unpauses the movie, but it’s apparent that neither man isn’t really giving it their full attention - the serious topic of conversation has them both feeling a little on edge and on Levi’s end, a little vulnerable. He doesn’t mind Erwin’s company, but it’s apparent by his mannerisms that he feels at least a little uncomfortable after opening up so much and so suddenly.

Shortly after Levi finishes off his glass of wine, he stands from his spot on the sofa. Erwin watches as Levi sets his glass on the table before standing on his toes and stretching his arms over his head, rolling his head back and forth on his shoulders, eyes closed. 

And he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t, but Erwin lets his eyes linger momentarily on Levi, on his lean body and the way his shirt rides up his stomach just a little bit, exposing just a bit of skin and soft hair that leads below the waistband of his jeans. Maybe it’s the wine, or maybe it’s all of the time that Erwin has been spending with Levi lately, but he can’t help but stare. Eventually, though, Levi settles again, opening his eyes once more, and Erwin averts his gaze, taking a sip of his own remaining wine. 

“I should get going,” Levi mutters, breaking the silence when Erwin doesn’t say anything first.

He does, however, take that as his cue to stand, joining Levi. “I’ll walk you out,” he offers, earning a small smile from Levi in response, but nothing more. This isn’t how he expected tonight to go - he didn’t expect Levi to show up on his doorstep in general, much less to talk about his marriage - but here they are. 

Erwin finds himself walking Levi to the front door, opening it for him and offering him a smile when he crosses the threshold back into the cool evening air. To his surprise, though, Levi doesn’t simply walk away with a short goodbye - something he would have expected from the other man. Instead, he turns, sparing Erwin a quick glance before speaking. 

“Thanks for listening to… whatever that was,” Levi mumbles. He obviously isn’t comfortable opening up like this (he never was in their past life either) and the way that he avoids Erwin’s gaze when he speaks, the way that he scratches awkwardly at the back of his neck says that much. 

Erwin smiles, and it’s genuine. He’d be lying if he said it wasn’t hard, sitting on his sofa with his former lover and listening to him talk about his marriage, but having Levi in his life this way is better than not at all.

“That’s what friends are for.”

And then, without any sort of warning or prompting, Levi is taking a step forward, toward Erwin once more before wrapping his arms around his middle in a stiff hug. It’s not anything near what Erwin expected, and it’s not necessarily comfortable, but he’ll be damned if he pulls away. Levi was never one for public displays of affection - or displays of affection in general - and by the way that he hugs him awkwardly now, that much is true in this life as well. But he’s trying, so Erwin returns the gesture, his arms coming to rest around Levi’s shoulders, one hand rubbing his back before they eventually part.

When Levi eventually pulls away from the contact, he spares Erwin no other parting glance, just a quick “see ya” called over his shoulder in the place of a goodbye, and Erwin can’t even think of anything to say in response. Instead, he just watches Levi go, lips slightly parted in shock, mind reeling from what just happened - both the hug in the doorway and Levi’s openness earlier. He feels a bit dumbfounded as he watches Levi walk away without a glance in his direction. His posture is stiff, but steady and sure, and Erwin wonders if he’s planning on going home to apologize to Petra. He’s never been one for admitting when he’s wrong, unless it’s to someone he truly cares about. And well, Erwin is sure that Levi cares about her.

As soon as the other man is out of sight, Erwin retreats back into his house. Pausing with his hand on the doorknob to take a deep breath and collect himself. For a split second, a thousand thoughts run through his head. Most prominently, Erwin wonders why he’s doing this to himself. He’s never been a selfish man; never was in his past life, always ready to throw his life away if it meant helping humanity, and he isn’t now, but… Well, it’s  _ Levi. _ Erwin seems to lose all control of his senses when it comes to Levi. So the first thought that races through his head is a question:

_ Why am I doing this to myself? _

As Erwin pushes away from the front door and walks on stiff legs to the kitchen, he realizes how utterly stupid he’s being right now. He misses Levi - has  _ missed  _ Levi for years - and he won’t deny that he wants him in his life, but at what cost? Levi has a wife. He has a wife, and while things aren’t necessarily perfect between them, it’s  _ Petra. _ Levi cares for her, Erwin knows he does, and he most certainly wouldn’t want to be the one to ruin that. 

He already cost Petra her life before, he doesn’t want to take something away from her yet again.

Maybe that’s why Erwin waited for Levi to come to him. Actually, the more he thinks about it as he cleans up his kitchen, that’s exactly why Erwin waited for Levi to come to him. If Levi went out of his way to befriend Erwin, if he invited himself over and asked Erwin out to lunch and relaxed against him on the sofa when he was a little buzzed, Erwin can’t blame himself,  _ right? _ Levi made all of those choices, not Erwin. So why does he feel so guilty?

In Levi’s eyes, Erwin is a friend and nothing more. But in Erwin’s, Levi is his best friend, his Captain, his lover. Erwin cares for Levi in ways that the Levi in this life could never begin to understand. Erwin is desperate enough to have Levi in his life that he’s willing to listen to him talk about having  _ children _ with Petra. He’s willing to show Levi all of the good restaurants in town, only knowing that he’ll more than likely take his wife there on a date later down the road. He memorizes Levi’s coffee order and his favorite craft beers because he’s a friend, and that’s what friends do,  _ right? _

Erwin sighs. He takes a break from cleaning up the kitchen, turns the faucet off, and plants his hands flat on the kitchen counter, head hanging between his shoulders. He feels guilty because he wants Levi in his life, but he’ll  _ always  _ want more, even if he tries not to admit it. He doesn’t want to be happy that Levi’s marriage with Petra isn’t perfect, but in some sick, twisted way, he can’t help it. But at the same time, Erwin wants Levi to be happy. He doesn’t like hearing him talk about his life the way he does - how he feels lost, directionless, how apparently, he does everything for Petra. Levi had been so passionate in their past life, so eager to fight for the good of humanity, so strong willed and opinionated, and while he is still the same Levi in this life - sharp-witted and crass, strong and intelligent - Erwin wants more for him.

Erwin wants to be with him. 

Giving up on the kitchen for the night - he can finish doing dishes in the morning - Erwin retreats to the living room, lying down where he had been sitting on the sofa with Levi mere minutes ago. He begins to wonder what Levi is doing now, if he went home and made amends with Petra or if he’ll be spending the night on the couch. Part him hopes that he did, hopes that everything is okay because he hates seeing Levi that way - upset and torn and directionless, as he had been earlier. But the other part of him, the part of Erwin that wants to be a little selfish for once, almost hopes that Levi comes back over, comes knocking on his door for a place to crash for the night. He knows that it isn’t very likely, but Erwin doesn’t have control over his thoughts.

He sighs, turning over on the couch, preparing to spend the rest of his evening in a lightly buzzed, grumpy haze until he falls asleep on the sofa. He doesn’t have work in the morning and can sleep in, so it doesn’t matter. It’s uncharacteristic for Erwin, but he doesn’t care right now. When Erwin turns his face into the pillow and inhales a deep breath - trying to relax a little - however, his body tenses as he realizes that it smells like Levi. Subconsciously, he finds himself inhaling again, wondering how much of his house smells of the other man now, but he just hasn’t noticed it. Ever since showing up at Erwin’s doorstep unprompted that first day, Levi has spent plenty of time with him. Granted, most of their time spent together has been out and about, but some nights, Levi will find himself sitting in Erwin’s kitchen, on his sofa, eating takeout and talking with him like old friends.

Erwin would be lying if he said he didn’t crave that company, if he didn’t want Levi to come over and share a meal and a movie with him, but tonight was the first night that Erwin couldn’t stop himself from  _ wanting _ Levi. Maybe it was the wine (okay, it was most definitely the wine that made him slip up like he did) but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Levi as the other man stretched, standing on his toes, shirt riding up his stomach. Erwin has been  _ good _ . He’s been a good friend, has listened to Levi talk about Petra and their life together, hasn’t pressured Levi into  _ anything _ , so, lying on the sofa and breathing in Levi’s lingering scent, Erwin deserves to be a little selfish. As long as he doesn’t actually act on it, it’s not wrong… Right? 

It’s not as if Erwin hasn’t had those thoughts before, after all. It’s not as if he hasn’t woken up hard after a dream about Levi, the vast expanse of his skin, both beautiful and scarred, laid out in front of him, his head thrown back and mouth parted on a gasp. Erwin can’t deny having thought about Levi that way - he can’t help it, given their past - but he prides himself on not acting on it. Hell, he hasn’t even indulged in a glance or two when Levi isn’t looking. But when the opportunity presented itself tonight, Erwin took it. He had some wine, and Levi was just  _ there _ , all lean and muscular and soft at the same time, stretching out in front of him. It wasn’t  _ for _ him, necessarily, but Erwin’s mind drifts to the image of it as he lies on the sofa now, his eyes closed, his hand wantering south as he inhales more of Levi. 

Erwin’s thoughts linger on the slight flush on Levi’s face after pulling away from their hug, the dark hairs on his toned stomach, leading down, down below his jeans when he stretched after sitting on the sofa for so long. In the quiet of his home, Erwin palms himself through his pants, and he can’t find it in himself to feel bad about it right now. Maybe it’s the wine or maybe it’s months of pent up frustration, but he doesn’t stop himself. 

Erwin closes his eyes and imagines Levi, hunger in his eyes as he crawls over him, lean body covering Erwin’s own, holding his wrists above his head with his own small hands. He thinks about the way that Levi would take charge, kiss him, relentless and rough, biting his lips and dominating his mouth when he wanted to. Erwin would let him take and take and take whenever and whatever he wanted, because he deserved it. Levi would hold him down, even though Erwin could easily overpower him, and grind his hips down, biting at the juncture of his neck and jaw.

_ “You’re so hard already,”  _ Levi would tease, voice low,  _ “You want this?” _

Erwin gasps, arching up into his own hand at the thought. He wonders what Levi is like now, if he still takes charge like that, if he’d still let Erwin hold him down and fuck him hard every once in a while, too. 

Without opening his eyes, Erwin reaches down with his other hand, unbuttoning his pants and shimmying them slightly down his hips, enough to push his underwear down as well to free his cock. He’s already hard and aching, and he attributes that partially to pent-up frustration, but doesn’t think too much on it. Instead, Erwin imagines Levi, how he would lick teasingly up his cock, too much but not enough, only smirking when Erwin tried to buck up into his mouth too soon. Precome beads at the tip of Erwin’s cock and he catches it with his thumb, smearing it around the head before pumping himself a few times, rough, fast. 

He can’t remember the last time he touched himself like this, the last time he indulged, but if he had to guess, it was probably before finding Levi. Back then, it was easier - there was no guilt associated with these thoughts. Hell, he  _ shouldn’t _ feel guilty, because they wanted each other before, they were together before... 

Levi would lower himself onto Erwin’s cock slowly when he rode him, holding onto Erwin’s shoulders and steadying himself as he sunk further down. He’d bite his lip, stifling these little whimpers and moans and tiny noises that Erwin drank up immediately. He was a sight to behold when he rode Erwin - messy, thighs trembling, fingers slipping - but controlled at the same time. He’d set the pace, and if Erwin thought it was too slow, he’d buck up into him, throwing his rhythm off and earning a surprised yelp, or a dirty, happy,  _ “Fuck.” _

Erwin closes his eyes and imagines that scene now as he pumps himself. He remembers gripping Levi’s thighs, flipping him over mid-fuck and pinning him against the mattress, how the change in dynamic would cause Levi to squirm, gasp, become more vocal. By the time he would come, he’d be nearly screaming Erwin’s name, face pressed into his chest and hands trembling.

When he feels his own orgasm approaching, Erwin moves his other hand, reaching to pull his shirt up to his chest, exposing his stomach. He knows how dirty, how desperate he must look, and that only makes this worse - imagining Levi coming back because he forgot something, walking in and seeing him like this, sends Erwin over the edge. Come splatters his stomach and some of his chest as his hips arch off the sofa, even getting on bits of his shirt as well, despite his attempt at pulling it away. But for a moment, Erwin doesn’t care. He relaxes into the cushions, face pressed into the pillow, and takes another deep breath, trying to ignore the way he feels himself getting embarrassed at the fact that he’s  _ still  _ inhaling Levi’s scent. 

_ “Fuck,” _ Erwin mutters after a moment, eventually sitting up when he’s managed to catch his breath and gather his senses. He wastes no time in pulling his shirt the rest of the way off, hesitating for only a brief moment before using it to wipe his stomach and chest off. He’ll do laundry in the morning, he decides. He can live with it now.

He tries not to think about the fact that he just jerked off to thoughts of Levi -  _ Levi _ , who is married, who lives down the street with his  _ wife _ . On one hand, Erwin wants to feel bad about it, but he doesn’t let himself. Because on the other hand, he really doesn’t give a shit, though that might still be the wine talking.

Either way, Erwin is certain of one thing, and that’s the fact that he has gotten in way over his head. 

 


	5. I Can't Make You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I'll close my eyes_  
>  _Then I won't see_  
>  _The love you don't feel_  
>  _When you're holding me_  
>  _Mornin' will come_  
>  _And I'll do what's right_  
>  _Just give me till then_  
>  _To give up this fight_  
>  \- [I Can't Make You Love Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3VjaCy5gck) \- (The Bon Iver version of this song is beautiful, but it's also just an amazing song in general)
> 
> This was one of the hardest, but one of my favorite chapters to write. There are more notes about it at the end because I don't want to give anything away, but things are finally coming to a head!

Levi thinks about going over to Erwin’s house in the morning to thank him for listening and apologize for dumping basically all of his marital problems on him, but decides against it for multiple reasons. He and Erwin are friends - if he really thinks about it, he’d actually consider Erwin his  _ best _ friend - so in a way, Levi decides that he shouldn’t feel guilty about going to him, telling him what was bothering him, or even snapping at him for a second when he misunderstood what Erwin was saying. They’re friends, and if Erwin had a problem with it, Levi thinks that he’d be the type of person to say something about it, so that’s how Levi convinces himself that he doesn’t necessarily owe him a visit the next day.

On top of that, Levi honestly feels a bit awkward returning to Erwin’s house unannounced yet again, just to say thank you or to apologize. It’s… Well, it’s a little much for Levi, who is usually so emotionally distant, who usually doesn’t open up to others or wear his heart on his sleeve. Hell, he’s even surprised that he said anything to Erwin in the first place, but he felt comfortable around him - felt as if he could tell him without being judged, and that’s exactly what happened. 

There’s that, and there’s also the fact that Levi doesn’t want to leave again. When he walks back in the front door after leaving Erwin’s, a little buzzed yet slightly more level-headed, Petra is up and waiting for him, drinking a glass of wine herself and watching the news. As soon as the front door opens, she is standing and crossing the room, wrapping Levi in a hug before he can even say anything.

“I’m so sorry,” she murmurs, “I didn’t mean to yell at you, I-”

“It’s okay,” Levi says in return, cutting her off before she can say anything else, “I’m sorry, too.”

Petra pulls away from the embrace at that, drinking Levi in. She looks him over, as if trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. Usually, Levi is very cut off, very reserved when it comes to arguments of this nature. Usually, he only wants to talk about it when he’s ready, so this is different, uncharacteristic. 

“I know you think I only do shit to make you happy,” he mutters after a moment, “But I do it cause it makes me happy. Okay?”

In the matter of seconds, Petra’s look of concern turns into a surprised, loving smile. She wraps Levi in another hug, parting only to kiss him quickly.

The thing is, Levi and Petra’s marriage  _ isn’t  _ perfect. It’s a cliche saying, but no marriage is. Throw the fact that Petra is the only person that Levi has ever dated and his own lingering childhood issues into the mix, and it’s safe to say that they have their problems. Petra, who was brought up in a very standard household - two loving parents and a younger brother - was always there for Levi throughout elementary and middle school, but that doesn’t mean she could come close to understanding his struggles. In high school, they rarely discussed it, and it wasn’t until they moved out and went to college together that they had their first real argument. Living together will do that to you. 

On top of that, Levi wasn’t lying when he told Erwin that a majority of the time, he feels directionless, that he only does certain things because he knows that they’ll make Petra happy. Ever since they met, Levi felt this connection, this  _ pull _ toward her, and he’d be devastated if he did something to fuck it up. So if Petra wants to move out of state, he’ll go. If Petra wants to get married and have kids, then that’s what they’ll do. 

But after years of being together, Petra is able to see right through that, which is what brought their argument to a head. To be honest, he and Petra have been butting heads more than usual lately. Whether it’s because Levi is finding other things that make him happy - hiking, sightseeing, spending time with Erwin - and questioning if he still wants the same things as Petra or not, their arguments come to a head when Petra points out that it doesn’t really seem like Levi wants kids, and she’s not wrong. Ultimately, that’s what causes him to storm out, walking without any destination until he’s on Erwin’s doorstep. For some reason, he thinks Erwin will understand, and he’s right. What that means, Levi isn’t sure, but he doesn’t dwell on that right now.

Levi will admit that he’s a little fucked up - he cleans when he gets nervous, rarely talks about his own parents or even his absent uncle, and there’s this aching emptiness in his chest that inexplicably takes over sometimes - but they both have their problems. Petra - for as long as Levi can remember - can get very irritable at times, to the point where Levi has spent more than one night on the sofa because of a fight that she didn’t need to pick. She has headaches that come and go and severe nightmares that, at times, have put a strain on their relationship. These are things that she has had checked out by a doctor, and takes some medication for, and while it’s not her fault at all, it affects things. It is what it is. Life isn’t perfect. 

Even now, having made up the night before, sitting across from her at the kitchen table the next morning, Levi still has doubts about things. He never knows if he’s doing the right thing, has never had that “gut feeling,” as people call it, about anything in his life, including but not limited to getting married and considering having children. It’s not that he and Petra don’t necessarily want the same things… It’s more so that he just doesn’t  _ know _ what he wants. 

Levi lets some of this slip to Erwin, and he's definitely surprised at the other man’s reaction. Most people would tell Levi that he needs help, that he needs to talk to someone about what he’s feeling or at the very least, discuss it with Petra, but Erwin is nothing but understanding, of course. There’s something about the guy that makes Levi want to open up to him, that has him knocking on his door and telling him everything, as much as he hates opening up to others, Petra included. 

He tries not to let his thoughts get stuck on this fact, but he can’t help it. When he thought, for just a moment, that Erwin was suggesting that he divorce Petra, Levi had initially felt angry - because how  _ dare _ anyone tell him that - but at the same time, he almost hoped to hear it from someone else. Sometimes (a  _ lot _ of the time) Levi feels guilty, as if he’s holding Petra back. He stays in a lot, doesn’t have any friends besides Erwin, isn’t really close with Petra’s friends. He wonders where she’d be if she ended up with someone more passionate, more outgoing or more driven than himself. 

Sometimes, Levi thinks that maybe, she’d be better off without him, but in the end, he won’t divorce her. That’s not how Levi does things - he doesn’t just give up if things aren’t going well.

But if _she_ wanted it, he’d give that to her, too.

“Where did you go?” Petra asks the next morning, as they’re eating breakfast together. They didn’t really talk much the night before, as neither of them were really feeling like it after everything. She knew that he had to have gone  _ somewhere _ , though, considering he had been gone for over an hour and didn’t take the car.

For some reason, Levi nearly feels guilty telling her that he had been at Erwin’s house. He’s not sure why - it shouldn’t matter, he and Erwin are friends after all - but Levi hesitates for a split second before answering honestly. “I was over at Erwin’s.”

“Ah,” she says with a nod, and for the time being, the conversation is over. They still haven’t discussed kids again, though Levi knows it will eventually come up again, considering they moved to Portland to raise children. He appreciates the fact that Petra hasn’t pushed the issue, though. It’s one of the many things he loves about her. What Levi doesn’t expect, however, is what Petra says next. 

“I’m glad you have a friend like Erwin here,” she says, voice soft, thoughtful, “He’s good for you.”

Levi isn’t sure what effect those words have on him. On one hand, he’s happy that he has someone like Erwin, too - a friend who wants to spend time with him, who will listen to him and connect with him. But on another hand, he almost feels guilty. Levi tries to chalk it up to the fact that he’s never really been close with anyone but Petra, but he still feels guilty that Erwin may know some things about him that Petra doesn’t. He feels guilty that he found himself at Erwin’s house in the midst of their fight last night, even if they’re only friends, even if nothing happened (not like it would, anyway.) 

Levi knows that these are thoughts that he is going to have to sort out before they come to a head, but he doesn’t want to think about it right now.

* * *

 

It’s weird, how drawn to Erwin he is, but Levi tries not to dwell on it. He never had any friends throughout his adolescence and much of his adult life - only Petra,  _ always _ Petra - so he tells himself that this is how friendship feels. You  _ want _ to spend time with the other person because you enjoy being around them. Because you  _ click. _

They’re friends, Levi tells himself, even as he finds himself opening up to the other man a bit more during one of their Wednesday lunches a few weeks later. He doesn’t even know how they got on the subject of it, but halfway through their drinks, waiting for their meal, Levi finds himself telling Erwin about how he has always wanted to travel, how he’d kill to go to another country, drop everything and just explore for a while, but he’d never have the money to do so. Levi doesn’t tell Erwin about his childhood, necessarily, but he hints at it, finds himself talking about how he saved his money during high school when he thought he was going to go travel after graduation.

“What happened?” Erwin asks in between a sip of his drink, “Why didn’t you?”

Levi sighs. “Plenty of reasons,” he says, trying not to go into too much detail, “I ended up going to school instead.”

He doesn’t have to say that he chose moving to Utah with Petra over traveling, using his savings to pay for college instead of traveling the world. Erwin infers it, and Levi knows it. That, and he finds himself wondering why he told the other man this. It’s personal - too personal - but he can’t really bring himself to care, not when Erwin doesn’t give him a judgemental look or tone. 

“You can still travel,” Erwin says, optimistic, to which Levi snorts.

“Yeah, alright,” he mutters, ready to change the subject or at least shift the attention from himself. It’s odd, feeling so vulnerable, yet so comfortable around Erwin. “What about you? Have you done any traveling?” 

“I-” Erwin hesitates, studying Levi for a moment before taking a deep breath, nodding. Levi furrows his brows, trying to understand Erwin’s hesitation and reservation, but as soon as it’s there, it’s gone again, and he’s speaking once more. 

“I actually did quite a bit of traveling after high school, before college,” Erwin explains, shooting Levi a small smile when he gapes for a moment. 

“Where did you go?” Levi asks, intrigued. 

“I spent a lot of time in New Zealand, because my family has some friends who live there,” Erwin explains, “Then traveled through Europe and the majority of The United States and Canada.”

“ _ Jesus, _ ” Levi mutters, “I’d kill to do that.”

He has to avert his eyes when Erwin smiles at him, assuring again, “You still can.”

They’re friends, Levi reminds himself, even as he imagines himself traveling with Erwin, backpacking across Europe, swimming in the ocean, climbing mountains, seeing things that most people only ever dream of… They’re friends, that’s why he thinks about doing those things with him, because they’re friends and he wants to share those adventures with him.

But still, Levi can’t deny the way he feels drawn to Erwin, much like he had been drawn to Petra when they were younger, and even now. He tells himself that it’s strictly platonic, that it’s about damn time that he found himself a good friend, but he still feels nervous when he shows up at the school one afternoon a week later, coffee in hand for Erwin. He gets out of work early and decides to surprise the other man with an afternoon pick-me-up, hoping he isn’t in the middle of a class or a lecture.

Surprisingly, Levi doesn’t have to visit the office to ask for directions, vaguely remembering which class room was Erwin’s from his initial tour of the school with Petra. He makes his way down the quiet hallway, past the occasional student rummaging through their locker before reaching the room, the doorway numbered 113, with “Smith” in blocky letters underneath. With a deep breath, Levi turns the handle and opens the door, only to find Erwin sitting before him, seemingly in deep concentration as he reads over a paper in front of him on his desk. Not wanting to intrude, Levi lingers in the doorway, only rapping his fingers on the wood when Erwin still doesn’t look up after a few moments.

“Come in,” Erwin calls, oblivious. He doesn’t move, doesn’t even look up, and Levi sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Hey,” he mutters, and at that, Erwin immediately stops what he’s doing.

“Levi,” he says, voice surprised. He shoots him a smile when he sees the coffee cups in his hands, leaning back in his chair a bit, “What are you doing here?”

“I got off work early and didn’t have any plans,” Levi says, suddenly realizing how stupid that sounds. What kind of friends bring one another coffee at work? “Figured you could use some coffee after dealing with these brats all day.”

Erwin’s smile only widens at that - he even huffs out a little laugh - and then he’s standing, crossing the room and taking the cup from Levi when it’s offered to him. “Thank you, Levi,” he says, “You’re a great friend.”

_ Friend. _ For some reason, the word hits hard.

Before Levi has a chance to say anything, Erwin is speaking again. “Would you like to sit outside for a little bit?” he asks, “I don’t have class for another twenty minutes, and I could use a break.”

Levi swallows, nodding. “Yeah, sure.”

It’s little things like that - moments at Erwin’s work, at lunch, having drinks when Petra is at work late or out with friends and co-workers - little moments with Erwin that Levi enjoys at the time, but feels unsure about when he thinks about it later. He’s sure that anyone (if he had another friend to talk to it about) would tell him that he’s being crazy, that he shouldn’t over think or feel guilty about his friendship with Erwin, but he can’t help it. It’s hard when he catches his gaze lingering on Erwin for a moment too long, or when he finds himself thinking about the other man when he shouldn’t. This isn’t something Levi is used to - a budding friendship with someone like Erwin - and he doesn’t quite know where to draw the line.

Even harder is the fact that Erwin never pushes too far or tries to force himself into Levi’s life. It’s almost as if he can read Levi’s mind, like he knows how much Levi cherishes his time alone, when he can get it. It’s as if he understands why Petra was Levi’s only friend in high school - because she was the same. She never forced herself into his life, it sort of just happened. Maybe that’s why Levi feels so drawn to Erwin. Maybe it’s something more. 

He tries not to think about it, decides to push those thoughts to the far corners of his mind. Honestly, Levi values Erwin’s friendship, as new as it is, and he doesn’t want his own fucked up thoughts to ruin it, so he pushes them away, forgets about them, and continues moving forward, showing up at his work unannounced or grabbing lunch with him on Wednesdays. 

As Levi predicted, though, it does come to a head. Everything always does, eventually, and he doesn’t know why he thought this situation would be any different. 

Not long after the night that Levi showed up at Erwin’s house unannounced after his fight with Petra, visits like that start to become more and more frequent. Erwin never once brings up the things they talked about that evening, and Levi is silently grateful for it. It goes unspoken. His visits to Erwin’s house unannounced become more frequent after that, though - he does it again two weeks later while Petra is out with friends and he’s bored at home, then again when she’s late at work, a few days later when she has a project to work on and doesn’t want to be bothered… It becomes normal, and Erwin never seems to mind, is always happy to let Levi into his life. Even when he's busy grading papers or working, he offers Levi a drink and a place to hang out. 

Maybe that’s where things go wrong - maybe it’s because Levi becomes too comfortable around Erwin. He lets himself slip, lets his mask drop. Maybe it’s because Levi lets his guard down and lets Erwin in. Either way, it all comes to a head a few weeks later, and afterward, Levi feels like it might be his fault.

When Petra tells Levi that she is going out with some of her co-workers on a Friday night for someone’s birthday, Levi already knows that he’s going to end up at Erwin’s once again. She invites him, but naturally, he declines. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy going out with his wife (or her friends) but it’s more so that he doesn’t have anything in common with her co-workers. That, and he doesn’t feel like intruding, so he tells Petra to go out, that he’ll stay in and find something to do. And less than an hour after she leaves, Levi finds himself walking over to Erwin’s house with a bottle of wine in hand. 

In the time it takes Erwin to answer his door, Levi finds himself wondering if the other man enjoys his company as much as Levi does. It's probably born from the fact that Levi never had any friends growing up, but he wonders if Erwin actually wants to be his friend, or if he just feels too bad to say no when Levi shows up at his door. It's stupid, he shouldn't let his thoughts run like they do, but Levi can't help it. He's always the one showing up at Erwin's house unannounced, asking if he's free to hang out. Sure, Erwin will invite him out for drinks or dinner from time to time, but what if he's just doing that to be nice? What if-

Levi doesn't have the chance to finish his train of thought because thankfully, the door opens and Erwin is smiling on the other side. He glances Levi over, eyes resting on the bottle of wine for a moment before returning to his face. "Levi," he says, and he sure does sound happy to see him, "Come in."

Levi closes the door behind himself, toeing his shoes off out of habit and following Erwin into the kitchen, where the other man is already reaching for two wine glasses. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asks over his shoulder, only turning after fetching the two glasses. Erwin reaches out, and before he even says a word, Levi is handing the bottle of wine over and watching as Erwin fishes a corkscrew out of a drawer. 

“Petra is out with friends,” Levi answers honestly, but he doesn’t miss the way that Erwin’s face seems to fall slightly at his words and immediately feels bad for saying them. It makes it sound like he only came to Erwin’s because Petra wasn’t home or because he didn't have anything better to do, which isn’t true. He also came over because they’re  _ friends, _ because he enjoys the other man’s company.

“Plus,” Levi says as Erwin gets to work on opening the bottle, “I wanted to share a bottle of wine with you. It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out.”

And truthfully, it has been. While Erwin’s school year has been getting started, Levi has been more busy with work and his home life with Petra than usual. They still meet for lunch or drinks, but it has slowly become a little more sporadic, and they have to make it work whenever they can. Truthfully, Levi has missed sitting in Erwin’s house, and Erwin has missed having him over, even if they still see one another nearly once a week.

“It has been,” Erwin agrees. He pours Levi and himself each a glass of wine before turning to the refrigerator as he speaks. “I was just about to heat up some leftovers. Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Great,” Erwin says, turning to him with a smile, “We can have something to eat and watch a movie if you’d like.”

And just like that, Levi feels at home in his friend’s house, smiling and nodding. “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

Before they know it, Levi and Erwin are settled on Erwin’s sofa like a pair of old friends, eating leftover spaghetti on paper plates and drinking Levi’s nice wine along with it. Gangs Of New York plays in the background - something that Erwin had already put on before Levi came over - but unsurprisingly, they don’t pay much attention to the movie. Instead, there’s teasing and lighthearted conversation between the two men. It’s always snarky and quick-witted with the two of them, which Erwin is used to and welcomes with open arms. 

To Erwin, having a few drinks and talking with Levi is normal. For Levi, it’s a new friendship, but one he surprisingly cherishes quite a bit.

Gangs Of New York comes to an end, and by then Erwin is struggling to chose a movie on Netflix instant play and Levi is pouring the last of the bottle of wine in both of their glasses, shooting Erwin a smirk when he chuckles at the sight. 

“Buzzed already, old man?” Levi teases, setting the empty wine bottle down and settling back into his comfy position on the sofa, his feet tucked under him.

Erwin simply laughs in response. “I believe you’ve drank more than me, Levi.”

“You can’t prove that,” Levi mutters, trying and failing to hide the smile on his face. He averts his eyes, glancing up at the television as Erwin scrolls through the “Comedies” section.

“Have you seen Hot Rod?” Levi asks when he spies the title on the screen. He’s certain that Erwin’s going to judge him for it, but he  _ is _ a little drunk, and it’s a funny movie, so when the other man shakes his head no, Levi’s immediately reaching and plucking the remote out of his hand. “We’re watching it,” he decides, hitting play before Erwin can respond, “This movie is fucking hilarious.”

In the end, they don’t necessarily end up watching the movie. Well, they do, but only when Levi interrupts Erwin by smacking his leg and pointing at the television because something particularly funny is about to happen. It’s honestly not Erwin’s type of movie, but he’s not surprised that Levi is a fan of the cheesy and sometimes downright ridiculous humor. 

Not even twenty minutes into the movie, Levi wordlessly rises from Erwin’s sofa, and Erwin watches as he saunters into the kitchen. Without asking, he’s pulling the refrigerator open and rummaging through it, only closing it when he triumphantly digs out a couple of craft beers. 

Part of Erwin - the part that thinks it’s probably not a good idea, having a drunk Levi alone with him in his house - wants to stop the other man from handing him another drink, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s selfish, and he lets his gaze linger for just a little bit too long on Levi as he bends over, looking through the fridge, and the alcohol pumping through his veins stops him from feeling too guilty about it. Either that, or he’s just a shitty person, he’s not sure which it is anymore.

He’s also not quite sure if Levi catches him staring, even smirking a little when he straightens up and shuts the refrigerator, or if it’s a figment of his imagination.

What  _ is _ real, though, is Levi’s heat when he settles back on the sofa next to Erwin, handing him a cold beer after popping the cap off for him. When he sits back down, he nearly flops next to Erwin, lazy and loose with alcohol, either not caring or not noticing how close they are - much closer than they had been sitting before, their thighs touching on the sofa. 

It’s quiet for a long moment (save for some awful Europe song playing on the movie) as the two men sip their beer. Erwin watches Levi, always in awe at the existence of the other man, even now. He’s sure he’s gaping, but he can’t bring himself to stop or care, because  _ Levi is real. _ Levi is real and sitting right next to him, and for a moment, Erwin lets himself forget about the fact that Levi is married, that he doesn’t remember their past life or see Erwin that way, because at least he’s  _ here _ . He’s here, and he’s sitting next to Erwin on his sofa, drunk and watching a shitty comedy and laughing at poop jokes, of all things.

It’s _really_ Levi.

But then, just like that, the spell is broken. Levi shifts a little, away from Erwin just slightly, his unfocused gaze suddenly becoming serious before he speaks. “Hey Erwin,” he mutters, shaking the other man out of his trance as well, “This doesn’t bother you, does it?”

Levi isn’t sure what causes him to ask the question. Maybe it’s his underlying vulnerability, the fact that he’s never actually had a real friend before, besides his wife, or maybe it’s because he feels like he’s always the one going to Erwin, but never the other way around. Whatever it is that causes Levi to ask is irrelevant, though, because then Erwin’s looking at him, confused and concerned.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks, suddenly serious despite the alcohol clouding both of their minds.

Levi sighs, trying to come up with something to say. He wants to ask Erwin about their friendship in general, wants to ask if he wanted to be his friend in the first place or felt forced into it, but Levi isn’t ready to ask something like that, nor is he sober enough to do so. So instead, he settles with motioning in between them and muttering, “Me showing up like this.”

And to his surprise, Erwin chuckles. It isn’t a hearty laugh, but a soft chuckle as he shakes his head. “No, I-” he pauses, as if trying to find the right words to say, “I enjoy your company, Levi.”

His answer seems to appease Levi, because then, the smaller man is leaning back against the sofa. In this position, their shoulders are touching now, just barely, but Levi doesn’t seem to notice as he takes another swig of a his beer. It’s quiet between them again, the movie providing background noise, and for a few silent minutes, they both get lost watching it, even if Erwin has no idea what’s going on and Levi isn’t quite as invested in it anymore. 

When Levi breaks the silence again, he’s sitting up with another unexpected question. “Why aren’t you married?”

Obviously, that one startles Erwin, catches him off guard. “Excuse me?” 

“Why aren’t you married?” Levi repeats, though in his buzzed haze, he realizes that it may not be coming off in the way that he means it, so he backpedals, explaining himself. “I don’t mean that in a shitty way. I just mean that you’re nice and you’re attractive, and you obviously know how to put up with bullshit dealing with brats all day…”

_ And you put up with me, you come from a good family, and you didn’t have to be my friend but you did _ , Levi thinks but doesn’t say. 

By the time Levi trails off, Erwin is eyeing him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as if trying to figure out what he’s getting at before eventually, he offers a soft, thoughtful smile in response. Erwin might not be so honest if he weren’t drunk, but he can’t bring himself to care now. “I suppose I just haven’t dated the right person,” he says, simple as that, purposely avoiding saying that he hasn’t “met” the right person, considering who is sitting next to him.

At Erwin’s response, Levi rolls his eyes. He lets out a big sigh, flopping back against the sofa, nudging Erwin’s arm in the process. He feels loose, comfortable at Erwin’s side. “That’s a shame,” he mumbles.

Still, Erwin watches him, as if he’s a wild animal, unpredictable. “Why is that?”

It isn’t until then that Levi looks back up at Erwin, realizing belatedly how close they’ve become, their faces inches apart, bodies touching. If he wanted, he could lean his head against Erwin’s shoulder. If he leaned forward enough, he’d be able to touch Erwin’s lips with his nose.

He sucks in a breath, muttering, “Dunno,” on an exhale. In a second, Levi even forgets all about what they were just talking about.  The movie is too loud in the background, the alcohol is too hot in his body and Erwin is too close to him. It’s all too much at once, yet Levi keeps talking. Later, he’ll tell himself it was the alcohol.

“Hey Erwin?”

Erwin huffs out a soft laugh at his side, clearly amused by the way Levi is acting. “Yes?”

“We’re friends, right?” he asks, voice soft, small. It’s the most serious he has sounded since they started drinking.

“I’d hope so,” Erwin says in an attempt to keep the conversation light, “Considering you’re currently drunk on my couch.”

And at that, Levi laughs, slurring out a happy, “Good.”

Erwin wants to leave it at that, wants to just watch the way that Levi’s head lulls back against the cushions, eyes closed and neck bared, vulnerable, but he doesn’t. He can’t. “Why do you ask?” 

Levi’s eyes open once more, and he sits up again, steadying himself before looking at Erwin. “I’ve never had a real friend before,” he admits softly, and Erwin can’t help the way he reacts to the words.

He knew that Levi’s home life wasn’t preferable in this world either, that he didn’t have a loving family or anyone close to him besides Petra, but no friends? Despite Levi’s cold demeanor, he had plenty of friends in their past life, people that he was close with, people that he cared for. He can’t imagine Levi without that, doesn’t want to, and that’s what has him reaching forward after a moment brushing Levi’s messy hair out of his face with his fingers. He wants to comfort him, hug him, wants to tell him that he’s sorry he wasn’t there for him sooner, but he knows that Levi won’t understand. 

He doesn’t remember their past life, doesn’t know how many memories they share, and in this moment, Erwin wants nothing more than to show him. While much of that life isn’t worth remembering, there is some good. Their friendships with fellow Survey Corps members such as Hanji, Moblit, Nanaba and Mike, who Erwin was lucky enough to find again in this lifetime, are worth remembering. The  _ good _ they did in that life is worth remembering. 

Their love is worth remembering, it helps dull the pain for Erwin on a daily basis.

But Levi doesn’t remember any of that, and Erwin realizes belatedly that his touch - brushing Levi’s hair out of his face - is too intimate for a  _ friend. _ Erwin freezes, his hand hovering over Levi, not touching, but not quite pulling away.

And that’s the tipping point. Despite the alcohol clouding his senses and dulling his reactions, Levi’s hand is like lightning when he reaches out to grab Erwin’s wrist, stopping him from pulling away. He holds it still for a moment before pulling Erwin close, pressing his palm against his cheek.

They share a look, for just a few seconds - though it feels like forever - and the suddenly, Levi is leaning up, off of the couch cushions, and pressing a soft kiss to Erwin’s lips, his eyes falling closed. 

Erwin gasps against Levi, tensing against the touch, but doesn’t make a move to pull away. He knows, despite being drunk, that they shouldn’t be doing this - that  _ he _ shouldn’t be doing this. Levi is  _ married _ and this is exactly what Erwin told himself he would never do - he  _ can’t _ be the one to ruin their marriage - but here he is, letting Levi kiss him and not pushing him away. Because, well… Levi kissed  _ him _ . Levi is  _ kissing  _ him.

After a few seconds, selfishness takes over, and Erwin presses back against Levi’s lips, his thumb brushing gently against his cheek. 

Eventually, Levi is the one to pull away, but it’s not quickly, as Erwin anticipated. No, he doesn’t reel back with fear and realization in his eyes, guilty because of what they just did. Instead, he pulls away slowly, blinking his eyes open and gazing heavily up at Erwin. 

Erwin matches his eyes, and despite how drunk or buzzed or  _ whatever _ they may be, they share a moment of understanding. They both know what just happened, they both realize the severity of the situation, and Erwin opens his mouth to say something - to take  _ all _ of the blame without a second thought because this is all his fault and not Levi’s at all - but before he gets a chance to speak, Levi is covering his lips with his own again.

This time, when they kiss, it’s solid, passionate,  _ real. _ It isn’t a barely there brush of lips and tentative hands. This time, when they kiss, Levi holds onto Erwin, one hand on his wrist, the other on his hip, and Erwin  _ takes _ , his fingers running through his hair, touching a body that he never thought he’d be able to touch again. When Levi parts his lips and licks into Erwin’s mouth, Erwin complies, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.

And this time, when Levi pulls away again, they’re both breathless. This time, when they share a look, it’s a sober one, realization slowly dawning in Levi’s eyes when he looks Erwin over. His eyes go wide at the knowledge of what just happened, and just like that, Erwin feels dread seep into the pit of his stomach.

He opens his mouth to speak, but before Erwin can get anything out, Levi is talking over him.

“I should go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know I'm so sorry I had to leave it hanging like that! I'm terrible, I know.
> 
> Also please don't hate me for making Levi cheat on Petra, he's not a terrible person and already feels like shit about it and I've never really written anything like this before so I hope it isn't god awful. Feel free to comment and freak out and speculate about whats gonna happen. 
> 
> There are also going to be a couple of short arcs in this story, so the end definitely isn't coming any time soon!


	6. Someone Else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Let it go, I just can't forget about her_  
>  _How do you know, if you can really be sure?_  
>  _But I can't move on, I'm sorry that I loved her first_  
>  _She's the only one, she's the only one, I want_  
>  \- [Someone Else](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOSU68Dk2Vw) \- LANY
> 
> Kind of an in between chapter and another sort-of cliffhanger, I'm sorry guys! I promise there will be more development (and probably another cliffhanger) in the next!

Guilt lies heavy with Erwin from the second that Levi steps foot outside his house until he eventually falls into a fitful, dreamless sleep that night. And then, when he wakes up in the morning, hungover with his head pounding and mouth dry and sticky, it comes back tenfold. 

It didn’t matter if they had been drinking or not, if Levi had initiated it or not, Erwin shouldn’t have kissed him, but he did. He should have pushed Levi away the second that he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, regardless of how it may have affected their friendship, because anything is better than  _ this _ \- the bittersweet memory of Levi’s lips on his own, the guilt that comes with knowing that he didn’t try to stop it, and the sorrow of knowing that he can’t really have him.

Lying in bed that morning, Erwin groans, covering his face with his arm and wishes for a moment that none of this was real. Not for the first time, he finds himself thinking selfishly that not finding Levi in this life would have been better than this - the guilt of having kissed a married man. Because that’s the bottom line: Levi is married. No matter what his marriage is like, whether he’s happy or not, Erwin never wanted to be  _ that _ person. He respects Petra too much - both in this life and their last - to ever do something like that to her, yet here he is, lying in bed and recounting the events of the previous night, knowing that he should have done something to stop things before they got out of hand.

But he didn’t.

Erwin is supposed to be the responsible one. He promised himself from the beginning that he was alright with merely being Levi’s friend in this life, but he knows as he lies in bed that morning, trying to fight off a searing headache, that he has been lying to himself. He’d never be okay with just being Levi’s friend - that’s why he didn’t stop the kiss, drunk or not. That’s why, when Levi kissed him a second time, Erwin accepted it with open arms. 

Pressing his face into the pillow, Erwin wants nothing more than to wake up and realize that last night was merely a dream, it never happened, but he knows that’s not the case. He wants to march over to Levi’s house and apologize, take all of the blame, but he can’t. He won’t force himself even further into Levi’s life. 

Lying in bed that morning, Erwin knows that no matter what happens, things between him and Levi will never be the same.

Eventually, Erwin does manage pull himself out of bed late that morning, running a warm shower in an attempt to wake himself up. He tries not to think about it, to push the memories of last night to the far recesses of his mind, but to no avail. 

Multiple times throughout the day, Erwin contemplates calling or texting Levi, but ultimately decides against it. He comes up with plenty of excuses -  _ we were both drunk, don’t worry about it, I know it didn’t mean anything, it was all my fault -  _ but ultimately leaves his phone sitting on his nightstand for the majority of the afternoon. No matter what he thinks or says, it won’t change the severity of what happened last night.

Levi kissed him, and Erwin didn’t do anything to stop it. Levi is  _ married _ and he kissed him, and Erwin - until he walked out the door - didn’t feel even remotely guilty about it. If he’s being honest, he’s been aching for it - for Levi’s touch, kiss, taste - since the other man came into his life, wife or not. Erwin is a selfish man, whether he wants to admit it or not, and this is absolutely no exception. As much as he tries to tell himself that he has self control, that he can be Levi’s friend and nothing more, he knows that deep down, he’ll always want more. And he knew before Levi’s lips even touched his own, that if something like that were to ever happen, he’d never be able to say no.

Erwin knows that if things would have escalated last night, he would have felt no remorse in pressing Levi down into his sofa and taking him apart. It’s selfish, and Erwin does feel guilty about it now, but he did nothing to stop it last night. 

By mid afternoon, Erwin’s phone has been silent all day, and the guilt weighs heavy in his chest. Sure, sometimes he and Levi go a few days without speaking to one another, but not like this, not in these circumstances. Despite the fact that they were both intoxicated, Erwin is certain that Levi remembers what happened last night - the look he gave Erwin before retreating out the front door was a sobering one. There’s no way that he doesn’t remember, and Erwin knows that the silence on Levi’s end means something.

And Erwin wants nothing more than to reach out, to take all of the blame and apologize and beg Levi not to push him away - because he’s not sure how he can live in this life having found Levi but being unable to  _ have _ him - but he doesn’t. He can’t. 

By the end of the day, Erwin has decided that it would be unfair of him to contact Levi first, if they ever do speak to one another again. Levi is  _ married _ , and if he doesn’t want Erwin in his life anymore, then Erwin will have to respect that. So it’s unfair of Erwin to reach out to him, to demand to remain a part of the other man’s life, despite the fact that he so desperately wants to. 

If Levi doesn’t hate him, he can reach out. Erwin will leave that, just like everything else in their relationship, up to him.

But just as Erwin suspected (and dreaded) he doesn’t hear anything from Levi. Days pass, a new week begins, and Erwin’s phone remains silent, save for the occasional text message from Mike or a phone call from his mother. 

Wednesday rolls around, and with dread and guilt heavy in his chest, Erwin just knows that he won’t be hearing from Levi. They won’t be meeting up for their usual Wednesday lunch. They won’t be talking to one another about mundane work shit or Levi’s desire to travel. Levi won’t be quizzing Erwin on all of the places he has been or all of the places he wants to go, and they won’t part with a promise to do it again next week.

Still, Erwin finds himself sitting at their usual restaurant after work, almost in hopes that Levi shows up. He doesn’t, of course, and after a couple of drinks and a small bite to eat, Erwin heads home, his head hung low in defeat.

He shouldn’t have kissed back. He should have been the bigger person, should have pushed Levi away. Anything would be better than this. But hindsight is 20/20, and if this is how it has to be, then Erwin will just have to deal with it. Not only would it be unfair to Levi for Erwin to force himself into his life after what happened between them, but it would also be unfair to Petra.  _ Petra _ , who deserves nothing but happiness in this lifetime, after all of the shit that Erwin put her (and Levi) though in their past life. They both deserve to live happily, and if that means together, without Erwin, then so be it. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but Erwin forces himself to deal with it.

* * *

 

For just a brief moment, when Levi blinks his eyes open in the morning, everything is calm, still, simple. It’s quiet in his house, comfortable in his bed, and before he  _ really _ wakes up, everything is as it usually is. 

But then, Levi turns over and his whole world begins spinning. The other half of his bed is empty, untouched, his head is throbbing, and suddenly, everything comes rushing back to him. Petra isn’t home because she was out with friends last night, probably did the responsible thing and stayed with one of them. When he looks at his phone, he’ll likely have a text informing him of such. But it isn’t Petra’s absence that causes Levi to feel nauseous, nor is is his obvious hangover and the pounding in his head. No, it’s the memories from the night before that come flooding back to him that cause Levi to close his eyes and groan, pulling the blankets back over his head.

He’s hungover because he had been drinking with Erwin last night, but he feels nauseous because of what  _ happened _ last night. Because he kissed Erwin. Levi, a married man, kissed his best friend last night, and his best friend kissed back. Immediately, the memories come flooding back - he kissed Erwin not once, but twice. The first time, he could have written off as a drunken accident (or at least attempt to) but the second time was purposeful. Levi remembers it vividly, pulling away from Erwin and sharing a gaze with him, understanding the weight of what just happened, but deciding to do it all over again. He remembers kissing Erwin again, deeper, longer, and he remembers the immediate dread he felt upon pulling away. He remembers it, because he feels it now, recounting his kiss with another man while lying in the bed he shares with his wife. 

Eventually, Levi forces himself out of bed and into the bathroom for a hot shower, hoping that the scorching water and steam will wash away the memories from the night before, hoping that it’ll rid the memory and taste of Erwin from his lips. Upon checking his phone, Levi discovers that he does indeed have a text from Petra - his  _ wife _ , he reminds himself - informing him that she was staying at a friends and would be home in the afternoon. That gives Levi time to think.

He spends more time than he should in the shower, trying to scrub away any residual feelings from the night before, but it’s  _ hard. _ It’s hard, because up until now, Petra was the only person Levi had ever been with, had ever even  _ kissed.  _ He has never wanted to be with anyone else, has never even found himself  _ looking  _ at anyone else, let alone another man. Until now, Levi only ever envisioned himself with Petra, or alone. That was it.

But he’d be lying if he told himself he wasn’t at least a little bit infatuated with Erwin Smith. Admitting it makes Levi feel nauseous once more, but as he reflects on his relationship with the other man, it becomes clear as day. Erwin is everything that Levi wishes he could be. He is positive and confident. He has traveled the world, has visited places that Levi could only dream of seeing, and he is painfully humble about it. He has always been kind to Levi, never asks for anything in return, and on the shallow end of things, he’s handsome. Blue eyes, blonde hair and a perfectly sculpted jaw line… Yeah, Levi would be lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to the other man, even if he’s never found himself attracted to men before. But that’s not the hard pill to swallow - Levi has always thought of sexuality as a fluid thing anyway - it’s the fact that he’s  _ married _ , and he kissed his best friend.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair to himself, and especially not fair to Petra. If Levi felt that way about Erwin, he should have distanced himself. He should have gotten as far away as possible. But… Well, he can’t. Levi has felt drawn to Erwin from the beginning, and he convinces himself, as he gets dressed and sets to cleaning the house to clear his mind, it would have been a futile effort to try to stay away from Erwin Smith. 

The problem now is in deciding what to do. Levi checks his phone after stepping out of the shower, almost expecting a text or a missed call from Erwin, apologizing or at the very least making sure he’s alright, but there’s  _ nothing _ .

_ That’s fair _ , Levi tells himself,  _ Maybe he doesn’t remember. Maybe he wants to give you space.  _

But honestly, it only makes his mind race more. Levi worries about what Erwin is doing, what he’s thinking right now. He wonders if Erwin even remembers, and if he does, what he thinks of what transpired last night. Does he regret it? Is he angry? Frustrated? The other man only lives down the street, Levi could just march to his fucking house if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. He can’t. 

Instead, as Levi cleans, his thoughts drift to Petra. What is he supposed to tell her, if anything? How is he supposed to tell her that he kissed someone else, and that the someone else was another man, his best friend? 

He never wanted this, and as Levi scrubs the kitchen sink, the floor, the stove, he curses himself for letting it go so far.

* * *

 

Levi hears the front door open from where he stands in the kitchen before he hears Petra call out his name, but her voice is still startling when she does so. Levi jumps at the sound of it, then immediately tries to calm himself down. She sounds in surprisingly high spirits for probably being somewhat hungover herself, and deep down, Levi hates himself for being the one to ruin that. He’s going to ruin her good mood, and their marriage, by telling her, he knows it. 

“Kitchen,” he calls back, trying to make his voice sound as light and easy-going as possible. Levi listens to her approaching, knows he only has a few seconds to decide what to do, even though he’s been thinking about it all day, and plans the talk out in his head -

_ Pet, there’s something I need to tell you. _

_ Last night, I kissed Erwin. It was a mistake, I’m so sorry. I won’t see him anymore.  _

_ Please forgive me. _

_ Please leave me.  _

But then, Petra is walking into the kitchen, her face lighting up when she sees Levi, and all of the thoughts and the planned words go flying right out of his head. Levi had resolved to tell her, to admit to what happened and take the blame, but then Petra is hugging him, kissing him, and asking how his night was, and the words die in Levi’s throat. He tries not to think about the fact that the last person he kissed  _ wasn’t _ his wife, that it had been Erwin’s lips on his own less than 24 hours ago. 

But Levi shakes the thought from his head, and in a split second decision, as Petra pulls away, smiling sleepily at him, resolves not to tell her. In an instant, he thinks of all of the hardships he has already put her though, how it’s hard for him to love, to show emotion, to put all of himself into something, how he hasn’t given her a child when he knows she wants one, and he can’t hurt her most than he already has. 

_ It was a mistake, _ he tells himself.  _ She doesn’t need to know. It will never happen again. _

And somehow, that’s how he justifies the secret. That’s how he justifies not telling her about what happened with Erwin.

Shortly after Petra returns home, Levi is left alone with his thoughts once more. She leaves the kitchen in favor of taking a shower, muttering something about feeling disgusting and hungover, and then Levi is left on his own. He leaves the kitchen as well, deflates on the sofa, and finds himself mulling over what just happened. Or more so, what  _ didn’t _ happen. 

And shortly after Petra returns home, Levi also resolves not to speak to Erwin. As he sits on the sofa, thinking about the events that transpired the night before, he finds himself getting angrier and angrier at the situation. Maybe it’s just misplaced frustration and guilt, but as Levi sits there, he thinks about how this is just as much  _ Erwin’s _ fault as it is his own. He may have kissed Erwin first, but Erwin didn’t push him away. Erwin didn’t tell him to stop, didn’t tell him that they couldn’t kiss, that he was married as any  _ friend _ would have done. No, instead, Erwin kissed back, ran his fingers through Levi’s hair and pulled him closer, almost as if he had been waiting for that moment. 

As Levi sits alone with his thoughts, he wonders what would have happened had he not come to his senses and pulled away like he did. How far would things have gone? Erwin certainly wasn’t stopping him, and Levi didn’t plan on stopping until that brief moment when he pulled away...

So Levi vows not to speak to Erwin. 

It’s a big decision, and maybe one that he shouldn’t make so quickly, but Levi knows that it has to be now or never. He can’t let himself slip up again, and if Erwin isn’t going to stop him, then they aren’t good for one another. 

The hardest part, though, and something that doesn’t hit Levi until a few days later is how big of a part of his life Erwin is. It hurts not to have a friend, because that’s what Erwin was to him before anything else. Everything else between them had been honest - Erwin  _ was _ the first and only friend that Levi really felt close to besides Petra. Levi enjoyed spending time with him, felt connected with him. Hell, maybe that’s why Levi felt attracted to him, maybe that’s why Levi kissed him, but regardless, it can’t happen again. And if that means ending his friendship with Erwin, then so be it.

Levi almost goes as far as deleting Erwin’s number from his cell phone, but he ultimately decides against it. The last thing he wants is Petra thinking they had a huge falling out and having to explain himself. But he doesn’t call or text Erwin, not that day, and not any of the following days. 

What Levi doesn’t expect, however, is for his phone to remain silent as well. He almost expected an apology text from the other man, a phone call trying to explain himself, or  _ something _ that would tell him that he wasn’t in the wrong. Erwin is the type of person to reach out and apologize, but Levi receives  _ nothing. _ Erwin doesn’t text him, doesn’t call him, doesn’t show up at his front door or at his place of work. And while Levi appreciates the distance, and while it makes cutting Erwin out of his life that much easier, it’s also infuriating. The silence isn’t  _ Erwin _ . Levi expected an apology at the very least, but gets nothing, and that actually bothers him more, because Erwin isn’t  _ allowed  _ to ignore him. This is just as much his fault as it is Levi’s. There’s a little voice in the back of Levi’s head that tells him that Erwin is giving him his space, but the irrational side of him tells him that it doesn’t matter. The other man owes him a fucking apology.

But Levi doesn’t get one. A few days go by, Levi’s phone remains silent, and nothing happens. He tells himself that the silence makes it easier, but it actually has the opposite effect. It actually sort of drives him insane.

Despite his resolve, Levi nearly texts Erwin a few times during those first few days, every drafted and discarded text becoming more and more frustrated.

_ We need to talk _ , the first text reads, but Levi promptly deletes it. 

_ We can’t be friends anymore, _  says the second, deleted shortly after as well. Too childish. 

And the third, the text Levi almost sends but doesn’t, simply reads,  _ What the fuck? _

In the end, he doesn’t reach out to Erwin. Nearly a week passes, and Levi decides it’s for the best. He needs to focus on his life, on Petra and their life together, on the family that they are going to start. Erwin’s absence is for the best. Right?

* * *

 

A few days after the kiss, a few days after Levi vows to stop speaking to Erwin, Petra mentions him in passing, and the guilt churns in Levi’s stomach, as if she knows what happened between the two of them.

“I haven’t heard from Erwin in a while,” she says, casually over breakfast one morning, “Is he doing alright?” She looks up at Levi over the table, almost seeming concerned, as if she’s worried about Erwin and why Levi hasn’t mentioned his friend lately. 

“Yeah,” Levi fibs, “He’s just busy with the new school year. Haven’t seen him much.” It’s a decent lie, as September gets ready to fade into October, and Petra seems to buy it. 

“Ah,” she nods in what seems like understanding, “Well, we should have him over sometime.”

In return, Levi sucks in a sharp breath, one he hopes Petra doesn’t see, and mutters out a quiet, “Yeah.”

The day after Petra mentions Erwin, Levi finds himself walking downtown after work. It’s a Wednesday and when he gets out early, he decides to pick up some takeout for dinner. It isn’t until Levi begins to near the restaurant that he and Erwin would frequent on Wednesday afternoons, however, that he realizes he had been walking with a purpose. It wasn’t a conscious decision, and part of Levi wants to turn around and walk away without looking back, but a smaller (and apparently stronger) part of him tells him that he should keep walking, just to see.

Levi doesn’t know what to expect, but as he walks past the little bar and grill, he can’t help but glance inside, and when he does, he nearly freezes in surprise. Sitting in their usual spot, with his back facing the door, is Erwin. He’s turned away enough not to see Levi walking by out of the corner of his eye, but Levi can see him, he’d spot him a mile away. And just the sight alone is enough to revert Levi back to how he felt the morning after their kiss. He feels angry, disgusted, guilty and upset, but mostly, he feels like an asshole, because here Erwin is, sitting inside of their usual restaurant after work, as if he thinks that Levi will walk in.

And the thing is, Levi almost does. 

He wants to walk inside and see Erwin, wants to talk to him and apologize because the kiss was just as much his fault as it was Erwin's. He wants to rekindle their friendship, whatever may be left of it, but Levi doesn't walk through those doors. He even wants to be angry, to walk in there and tell Erwin how he feels, how he betrayed his trust and should have been the one to push him away. He wants to be hurt or angry or upset. Hell, he even wants to be flattered that Erwin is here as if he's waiting for him, but Levi can't be any of those things. Instead, he turns away and keeps walking without another glance inside. Instead, he just leaves. 

It isn't until Levi is home that night, however, until he's lying in bed next to Petra's sleeping form, that he regrets not walking into the restaurant. He regrets not talking to Erwin, being the bigger person and putting all of that shit behind them. As Levi lies in bed, he wonders if maybe, Erwin hasn't reached out to him because he's giving Levi his space. Maybe, he doesn't want to force himself into his life after what happened, doesn't want to force Levi to see him. 

When Levi had been angry and irrational, he told himself that Erwin hadn't reached out or apologized because he  _ wasn't  _ sorry, because he didn't feel bad, but what if the opposite is true? What if he hasn't contacted Levi because he doesn't want to fuck things up any more, because he doesn't want to pressure Levi into talking to him? Thinking about it with a clearer head, and after seeing Erwin sitting alone in that restaurant, Levi knows that the possibility is high. Erwin is just trying to be a good friend, and if that means not  _ being _ friends, then so be it. 

But Levi doesn't want that. He doesn't want Petra to ask about Erwin, doesn't want to tell her that they're not friends anymore. And he doesn't want to be lonely. It's a silly thought to have while lying in bed with his wife, but Levi does get lonely. Erwin was the closest thing to a friend he's had in a long time, and Levi feels terrified because he may have fucked that up.

It has only been a week since they last spoke, but already he misses Erwin, if he's being fully honest with himself. Yeah, he's mad and frustrated and most of all confused, but he misses Erwin. He misses their friendship, misses how he could open up to him without fear of being judged, how he could make stupid jokes and Erwin would humor him. The other man hasn't tried reaching out to him at all, and to be honest, it's fucking killing Levi. 

He wants to talk about what happened, clear the air and put it all behind them. He wants to tell Erwin that it didn't mean anything, that he was stupid and unsure and drunk. Right now, he wants to say anything to have his friend back, even if it may not be the whole truth. Even if it means lying to his wife in order to keep things together. 

Levi misses his friend, and ultimately, that's what causes him to grab his cell from the nightstand that night, typing out a quick, one word text message and sending it before he can talk himself out of it. 

_ "Hey." _


	7. Derailed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Derailed_  
>  _I'm afraid I failed to keep you by my side_  
>  _The mistakes we made will keep us drifting farther apart_  
>  _What a way to go out..._  
>  \- [Derailed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7os8ZN-NWSM) \- Scary Kids Scaring Kids
> 
> First off, I'm so fucking gutted about the new chapter of SNK. I was planning on not updating for a few days because of everything going on/because I'm so bummed & disappointed about it, but because a few people have mentioned that a new chapter of this (or any sort of fic) would cheer them up, here we are! If you need to cry/rant/share your feelings, feel free to hit me up on tumblr (url is the same as my username.)
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry that this isn't a particularly happy or fluffy chapter to cheer everyone up a bit. The climax of this arc just HAD to happen right now haha. But these next few chapters were also some of my favorites to write. (I'll talk a little bit more about what happens in this chapter in the end notes as well.)
> 
> In other news, I may or may not try writing a few short fluffy one-shots in the near future because we all sort of need that right now.

The last thing Erwin expects when his phone vibrates late at night, just as he’s getting ready to go to bed, is a text message from Levi. He almost thinks he’s dreaming - because it can’t be that simple, can it? - but when the text is still there after a few moments, short and blunt just like Levi, Erwin knows that it’s real. 

He doesn’t expect Levi to text him, had fully prepared to never hear from the other man again, and a wave of relief suddenly washes over him as he reads the one word over and over again. Then, as quickly as the relief is there, it turns to worry, a dark pit forming at the pit of Erwin’s stomach. A one word text doesn’t mean anything. It could mean anything. For a split second, Erwin yearns for a time when things were simpler between them, when they wanted each other, could be with each other. There was no confusion, no skirting around feelings and  _ wives _ and trying to find where boundaries lie. But this life is better than their last - Erwin reminds himself of that. 

So, quickly but not too quick, Erwin types out a simple response to Levi’s one word text message. 

_ “Hi.” _

It’s not really eloquent, but it’s all Erwin allows himself to say right now. Levi was the one to open up the line of communication, and Erwin wants to give him the floor, doesn’t want to assume anything or take over. After all, whatever happens now is up to Levi. Erwin wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want him in his life anymore, as much as it would kill him. He’ll follow his lead. 

So Erwin tries not to feel anxious when he sees the  ellipsis appears on his screen, telling him that Levi is typing. It stays there for a while, disappears, then comes back again, telling Erwin that Levi is typing and erasing. Again, he wants to be excited but he’s incredibly nervous as well. As Erwin waits for Levi’s response, he turns out the lights and climbs into bed, and by the time he’s pulling the blankets over himself, his phone is vibrating once more. 

_ “We should probably talk.” _

There it is. Erwin knew a text like that was coming, but he still has no idea how to respond to it. He  _ does _ want to talk about what happened, wants to take responsibility so Levi doesn’t blame himself, but at the same time, he also wants to talk about it, confess his feelings for Levi, and hope that somehow, something will work out. Somehow, he knows neither of those will have a good outcome. 

Erwin hasn’t even begun typing, is still trying to come up with a decent response when Levi sends another text. 

_ “I want to talk about what happened.” _

Somehow, that makes Erwin feel slightly better. He reminds himself that Levi is the one who reached out to him, he’s the one who initiated this. If he didn’t want Erwin in his life, he wouldn’t have said a word. So Erwin types out a quick response.

_ “I would like that. Would you like to meet up this weekend?” _

Levi’s response is swift, as if he was waiting for Erwin to agree.

_ “Our usual place?” _

Despite the circumstances, Erwin can’t help but smile at that text, glad that Levi considers it  _ their _ place, too.

_ “That works for me,”  _ Erwin replies,  _ “Does Saturday at 7 work for you?” _

Again, Levi’s response is quick.

_ “Works.” _

And then almost immediately, he’s sending another text,  _ “Thank you, Erwin.” _

* * *

 

Saturday at seven doesn’t work. Or well, it ends up  _ not _ working.

The thing is, life has a funny way of throwing you a curveball when you least expect it, and what happens on Saturday night is no exception. Levi originally agreed to meeting up with Erwin on that day in particular because Petra had a work event to attend and it gave him a good excuse not to go with her. As guilty as it made him feel, bailing on his wife to see the man that he kissed less than a week ago, he also knew Petra would be happy that he and Erwin are hanging out and would encourage him to go. Easy to predict, she is, and she does, so Levi finds himself home alone after Petra leaves on Saturday, mentally preparing himself for his meeting with Erwin.

Ever since that night at Erwin’s house - ever since the night that they kissed - Levi has been trying to come to terms with his emotions, trying to understand just what everything means. He’d like to chalk it up to a stupid drunk kiss and nothing more, but friends don’t kiss their friends unless they mean it. Or at least, that’s how Levi sees it. Additionally, Levi has never really given much thought to his sexuality. He’s never had a reason to do so. He fell in love with Petra and married Petra, so as far as he was concerned, he was straight. But then Erwin came along and changed things, so on top of trying to figure out exactly what it is that he feels for his  _ best friend _ and exactly how to deal with those feelings, he also finds himself in the middle of a miniature identity crisis. 

Well, it’s not technically a crisis - Levi has always believed that people fall somewhere on some sort of a scale, and maybe he just lies closer to the bisexual mark than he thought - but it’s still something more to think about, on top of everything else. So Levi spends the majority of his afternoon (after Petra leaves, of course) thinking about, well,  _ everything.  _

He doesn’t want to push Erwin out of his life, but unless Petra decides that she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, Levi will not be the type of man to cheat on his wife or leave her for someone else. It’s not fair, especially after committing his life to her, especially after talking about having  _ children _ together. Levi isn’t that kind of person. However, he also isn’t the type of person to push away those close to him. 

As he contemplates his options, Levi finds himself hoping that Erwin insists that there were no feelings behind the kiss, that he didn’t mean any harm by it, and that it will be easy to move on, but it’s easier said than done, and by the time Petra leaves that afternoon, he feels more uneasy about meeting with Erwin than he did before. And by the time he’s getting ready to leave himself, to meet Erwin at the restaurant, he feels nervous, anxious and on edge. Those are the exact feelings that almost cause him to miss his phone vibrating on the counter as he pulls on his coat, getting ready to walk out the door, but he catches it just before it goes to voicemail. It’s a number that Levi doesn’t recognize, but he answers it on instinct, and the second that he does, Levi feels nervous and scared, but for a completely different reason.

* * *

 

The drive to the hospital is a blur. 

Everyone reacts to stress, fear and anxiety differently. And while Levi hasn’t experienced much of any of those things in a very long time - at least, not enough to put him into shock - he moves on autopilot, walking out the front door, locking it and slamming it behind him before he even hangs up the phone. He half expects to drop it in shock, but instead, Levi calmly puts it into his coat pocket as he hurries to the car, his entire body feeling numb, mind empty, but thoughts racing at the same time.

For a long while, or at least what feels like forever, it almost doesn’t feel real. Halfway to the hospital, and it still doesn’t feel real, like it’s all a dream and if he just closes his eyes for a moment, the terror pumping through his veins and the numbing anxiety will all go away, he’ll wake up.

At the first stoplight he hits, Levi does just that - closes his eyes and takes a deep, long breath, but when he opens them again, everything is the same. Actually no, it’s not the same. In that instant, everything becomes even more real. Desaturated colors and muted noises all become vibrant once more and flood his senses and everything becomes too much all at once. His hands tremble on the steering wheel and no matter how many deep breaths he takes, they all come out short and shaking, frantic.

Finally, sitting at a stop light and praying for it to  _ just fucking turn green _ , reality comes crashing down around him. Levi feels focused and all over the place all at once, and completely overwhelmingly terrified. 

Petra was involved in a serious car accident. That’s what the officer on the phone told Levi. She had been rushed to the hospital and was currently in surgery, but that was all the information they had, or at least all of the information they were willing to give over the phone. Within seconds, Levi was out the door and speeding away from his house, all other thoughts wiped from his mind. In that moment, Petra is the only thing, the only  _ person _ that matters, and now, sitting at the red light, the weight of the world finally comes crashing down around Levi.

“ _ Fuck! _ ” he bites, slamming his hands on the steering wheel, glaring up at the unchanging light. “Fuck, come on, come on…”

He glances in both directions, contemplating running the light, risking an accident or a ticket in order to get to the hospital faster, but thankfully, before he can do anything irrational the light changes, and he is slamming on the gas pedal. 

It takes about twenty minutes for Levi to arrive at the hospital. Twenty of the longest minutes of Levi’s life. And after that, there’s only more waiting. Time ticks by slowly, then speeds by. Levi feels like he’s suffocating, then at moments, feels completely level headed and disconnected. Everyone deals with stress, trauma and anxiety in different ways, and while he waits for his wife to get out of surgery, Levi feels as if he is going insane. 

Updates are few and far between, and Levi only receives minimal information. There was nobody else in the car with Petra. The driver of the truck lost their breaks and ran the red light, was not wearing a seat belt and was pronounced dead at the scene. There was nobody to blame, it was just a freak accident, but that doesn’t help Levi feel any better. No amount of coffee or reassuring words from doctors, nurses or police officers will make him feel better. For the first time in a long time, Levi  _ feels _ , and he doesn’t want it. 

Levi doesn’t even consider calling Erwin, but by the time he has finally settled down a bit - or at least isn’t on the verge of leaping over the counter and strangling the receptionist because she  _ still _ doesn’t have any updates for him - his thoughts begin to drift, and his mind wanders to what he had been about to do before he got the call, and suddenly, everything seems so unimportant compared to his current situation. Before the phone call, his impending talk with Erwin seemed terrifying and monumental, but now, it feels like nothing. Compared to the paralyzing fear of never being able to see or talk to Petra ever again, unsure of the severity of her injuries and chances of making it through surgery, the idea of talking to Erwin about their stupid, drunken kiss seems trivial. 

By the time Levi eventually thinks to glance at a clock, it’s well past nine. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and winces at his notifications - two missed calls and two texts from Erwin, as well as a slew of messages from Petra’s work friends - and immediately turns it off and shoves it back into his pocket. He thinks about replying to Petra’s co-workers, informing them that he’ll let them know what’s going on as soon as he does, but he ultimately decides that they can wait.

And then there’s Erwin. The first text is simple, sent at 7:32:

_ “Hey. Just wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight.” _

Another text, sent only thirty minutes ago, reads  _ “Is everything alright?” _

Levi contemplates leaving his phone on long enough just to shoot a text to Erwin apologizing for bailing and explaining what is happening, but again, he decides against it. Right now, Petra is the most important thing to Levi. He has already spoken with her parents and they are catching the next possible flight to Portland, and that’s all that matters. _Petra_ is all that matters. 

In fact, Levi almost feels like more of an asshole for worrying about things with Erwin so much, letting those thoughts consume him for the past few days, when Petra is in the hospital, in surgery with internal bleeding, broken bones, a concussion and God knows what else. Suddenly, his own internal struggles from the past few days, weeks and even months feel very selfish and trivial. Why would he think that anyone is more important than his wife? The woman he married, the woman he was planning on starting a family with.

_ Fuck _ .

Without a second thought, Levi turns off his phone and shoves it back into his pocket. If anyone truly wants to get ahold of him, they know where he is. This will be the first place Petra’s parents go - they will understand if he doesn’t answer. 

Time ticks by, Levi nervously picks at his fingernails until they begin to bleed, and still, there are no updates. Nine turns into ten which turns into eleven, and before he knows it, it’s nearly midnight, and Levi is still alone in the hospital, curled up in a chair, staring blankly at a television and trying to think about anything other than the terrible scenarios running through his head. 

Levi has already lost so much, he doesn’t want to lose Petra too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to discuss the possibilities that this chapter holds with anyone who might have any questions. I know it seems a little out of left field, but I couldn't just write drama about cheating on spouses for an entire fic. (That just doesn't sit well with me haha.) So things are going to start getting a little more complicated from here on out. 
> 
> (Also, RIP Erwin Smith. You deserved better.)


	8. You Don't Know What You've Got Until It's Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _And you don't know what you've got until it's gone._  
>  _And you don't know who to love until you're lost._  
>  _And you don't know how to feel until the moments past._  
>  \- [5 AM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qge9mS3umFk) \- Amber Run
> 
> First of all, I just want to apologize for the gap in updating. I've sort of been reading and re-reading this chapter for the past couple of weeks and freaking out about it because I was worried about how it would read. I won't say much, but quite a lot happens in this one. There are notes at the end of the chapter if you want to discuss!

_Everything is moving so fast, it takes Levi a long while to figure out what is going on around him, for his eyes to adjust to his surroundings. The first thing that he registers are the trees that speed by him quickly, almost too fast to distinguish. The fresh smell of pine is the second thing that comes to him, and then, it all happens in a big wave._

_Levi’s body moves on its own volition, and he’s simply a passenger, a viewer. He has no control over himself as he swings through the forest, suspended by two wires, metal blades gripped hard in his hands. While he tries to figure out exactly what it is that’s going on, he studies his surroundings, the tall trees, the forest floor, a good two stories below him. It’s both terrifying and exhilarating, not being in control of his own body, merely watching the world as it goes by. And, it some weird way, it feels familiar._

_The longer Levi soars through the trees, he begins to feel that he’s been here before. He recognizes it, but from where?_

_A few more moments pass, trees zoom by, and something similar to dread settles in Levi’s stomach, though he’s not sure why._

_However, when the first body comes into view, strung up between the trees, bloodied and lifeless, everything suddenly seems to click into place._

_Gunther._

_The name comes to him clear as day, despite the fact that Levi has never seen the lifeless man’s face before in his life. He wants to scream, yell, call for help, but he keeps moving forward. Though he slows down considerably, he doesn’t stop moving, doesn’t even turn to look back at the body hanging between the trees._

_The second body is harder to see, but Levi finds himself gazing down at it on the forest floor, as if his eyes are drawn to it. This scene is a little more graphic, as the blonde man’s body seems to have been torn in two, staining the grass red with blood. Levi feels sick to his stomach, wants nothing more than to turn away, but he can’t, and the second name comes to him as easy as the first._

_Eld._

_Oluo is next, lying face down on the ground, and Levi doesn’t even have to see the face to know the name. It brings him more questions than answers, but he has no time to wonder just what is going on before he’s moving forward still. And the feeling in the pit of his stomach only gets worse as he rounds another corner._

_Petra is the last one he sees, and finally, Levi comes to a full stop at the image of his wife, body contorted, bloody, lifeless eyes gazing up at him. He opens his mouth to scream, to cry, anything, but nothing comes out. He tries to move, to go to her, but he stays frozen, eyes locked on her lifeless ones._

_Petra, his wife, dead on the forest floor._

And then, Levi is jolting awake with a gasp.

He blinks, and, like his dream, everything takes a moment to come into focus. It takes Levi a few seconds to come back to earth, to realize that he’s still in the hospital, curled up in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, hoodie thrown over his legs. He sighs at the realization, stretches, and when he looks up, almost jumps in surprise again. A nurse is standing in front of him, yet somehow, he didn’t notice until now. _Some dream_.

“I apologize if I startled you,” he says, “But Petra just woke up a little bit ago, if you’d like to see her.”

Levi has no idea what time it is or how long he has been asleep - it’s still dark out, but that could either mean he has been out for a few minutes or a few hours - but he wastes no time in nodding quickly and rising, his heart racing at the news. All of the thoughts about his morbid dream - even the image of Petra, lifeless on a forest floor - are wiped from his mind in a millisecond.

“How is she doing?” he asks as he stands and follows the nurse down the hallway.

“She’s stable,” he replies. It’s cryptic, doesn’t give too much information or false hope, but the next thing he says at least gives Levi a little relief. “She’s aware and talking a little, but she’s obviously been through a lot-”

“So don’t stress her out,” Levi infers, “Got it.”

“She’ll probably be tired, too,” he says, “I wouldn’t have woken you otherwise, but I figured you’d want to see her before she needed some rest.”

“Thanks,” Levi mutters, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he follows him down the hallway. He wonders if he looked as desperate as he felt to everyone else in the hospital. Judging by the quiet hallways, it’s probably in the early hours of the morning. Everyone in the waiting room had either gone home for the night or was nearly passed out like Levi had been. It’s sad. Hospitals are sad, hopeless places. He hates them and he hates that he has to be here, but he tries to remain positive as they near Petra’s room, as he doesn’t want to put her under any more stress than she already is.

Levi thanks the nurse as he opens the door to Petra’s room, and then, with instructions to hit the call button if he needs anything, they’re leaving him alone with her.

The steady, continuous and reassuring beep of the heart rate monitor is the first thing Levi notices. The second is the small smile that twitches across Petra’s lips when they finally make eye contact. It’s not the cuts and bruises or the neck brace or even the blood matting parts of her hair - it’s the fact that she’s _alive._

Levi blinks, and he’s reminded of that image of Petra from his dream, of her lifeless eyes and bloody face, then he’s shaking the thought from his head because she’s _here_ and she’s going to be okay. She has to be.

Before Levi can get a word out - because what the fuck is he supposed to say? - Petra is muttering something, but it’s too gravely and quiet for him to hear.

“What?” he asks, voice soft, gentle. It’s uncharacteristic and he’s sure that Petra can tell but he doesn’t care. Now, he grabs the closest chair and pulls it up to her side, relief flooding his body when she just keeps smiling at him before repeating herself, her voice a little clearer the second time around.

“I said you look like shit,” she rasps.

Levi barks out a surprised laugh. Normally he’s the one with the crude, dark humor. The fact that she’s joking around makes him feel even better. “I’m supposed to say that,” he grumbles in return, earning another smile from his wife.

“Hah,” she breaths, “Beat you to it.”

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Levi mutters. And then, after a quiet moment passes between them, Levi leans forward, reaching out for her hand. Petra can’t move much, so he has to do most of the work, and her fingers are weak when they curl around his hand, but it doesn’t matter. She’s alright.

He wants to ask what happened, how she got so banged up, but none of that matters now. All that matters is that she’s okay, that she’s going to be okay. She has to be.

Speaking as the thoughts come to him, Levi leans forward, pressing his lips to her fragile fingers before murmuring, “You’re going to pull through this.”

To his surprise, Petra’s hand turns in his grip, her fingers brushing his lips, then his chin. “I know,” she replies, voice soft.

The next few hours are uneventful, filled with long silences and soft promises, little words of love and hope in between sleep and nurses coming to check on them. Levi is certain that these aren’t normal visiting hours - the sun is just starting to rise outside of the window - but nobody has asked him to leave, and he appreciates it.

Petra drifts in and out of consciousness, sleepy from painkillers and whatever else the doctors have given her on top of general exhaustion, and after a while, Levi dozes off as well. Unlike his nap in the waiting room, Levi doesn’t dream, but it’s a restless sleep, one that he wakes from every single time someone walks into the room. The nurses shoot him apologetic smiles, but he just shrugs. They’re only doing their jobs, and if it’ll assure Petra’s speedy recovery, he can live without sleep for a few hours, or days or however long it takes for her to get better.

During one of her longer bouts of consciousness, Petra furrows her brows at Levi, seemingly confused. “Weren’t you supposed to go out with Erwin last night?” she asks suddenly, and Levi gapes at her for a long moment before responding.

“ _Jesus_ , Pet,” he mutters, shaking his head, “I figured _this_ was more important.”

Truth be told, Levi hasn’t thought of Erwin since seeing his text messages before turning off his phone the night before. It’s probably blowing up, both with concerned messages from him, but also from Petra’s friends and family, and he suddenly feels guilty for not leaving it on throughout the night. But he needed some space.

The mention of Erwin, however, only manages to make him feel even more guilty, and for other reasons entirely. He had been on his way to meet up with him - the man he _cheated_ on his wife with - and now here he is, sitting at her hospital bed after nearly losing her. It really puts things in perspective.

If Petra notices the way that Levi’s mood seems to change at the mention of Erwin, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she just chuckles, rasping, “I guess.”

Levi turns his phone on after Petra drifts out of consciousness again. It’s mid morning by that point, and although he doesn’t want to deal with well wishes or questions and concerns from people he barely knows, he needs to be able to talk to her parents, to tell them that she’s okay. They were planning on catching the soonest flight in, and for all he knows, they could be in Oregon already.

Sure enough, the second that Levi’s phone comes to life, it begins buzzing with missed text messages and voicemails, some from phone numbers that he knows, some that he doesn’t. Many are Petra’s friends who happen to have his number as well, sending him their thoughts and asking him to update them when they get the chance. There is a text from Petra’s mother, which Levi opens immediately, that tells him that they caught a flight about an hour ago and will be there as soon as possible. He types out a quick reply, even though he knows she won’t get it until they land, then moves on to his voicemail.

There are six messages, two from Petra’s mother, three from numbers that he doesn’t know - those he doesn’t listen to right away - and one that catches his attention, right at the top of the list, from Erwin. It was left this morning, only about twenty minutes ago, and while Levi is curious, he doesn’t listen to it. And, against his better judgement, he deletes all of his voicemails, Erwin’s included. He does it partially because he has bigger things to worry about, partially because he’ll feel less guilty about it if he doesn’t have to look down at his name.

A kind nurse brings Levi a cup of coffee about an hour later, while Petra is still unconscious, and Levi takes a few sips before leaving it forgotten on the small table at her bedside. He wants to fall back asleep, wants to close his eyes and open them again when everything is better, but it’s unrealistic, impossible. Every time Levi does close his eyes for a moment, he’s plagued by images from his dream, images that seem to get more vivid each time Petra falls asleep. Her heart rate monitor beeps steadily at her side, the only constant thing in the room, reminding Levi that she is still very much alive, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling sick at the memory of her lifeless form and bloody face. It doesn’t stop him from worrying that if he closes his eyes, even for a second, she’ll be gone.

He wants to chalk it up to stress, nerves, fear or anything else, but the images from the dream stick with Levi all morning long. They don’t go away, and if anything only feel stronger the more he thinks about it. Those sights, the dead bodies and the tall trees, all feel familiar to Levi, and just the thought of it makes him want to scream, but like in his dream, he can’t.

Levi doesn’t even realize when Petra has woken up again until she shifts at his side, reaching out for his hand. He shakes himself out of it in an instant, replacing the memory of her vacant eyes with the ones right in front of him, but Petra doesn’t miss the faraway look in his, nor does she miss the fear on his face.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks on a sigh. Normally, she’d be stretching easily as she awoke, but she can’t move much, is limited to fidgeting her feet and grabbing Levi’s hand, turning only slightly to look at him.

Levi shakes his head and puts on a face, pretending that everything is alright. In a passive voice, he answers, “I just had the strangest dreams last night.”

Petra hums thoughtfully before asking, “What about?”

Levi sighs. “You don’t want to know.”

A long beat of silence passes between the two of them at that. Petra seems to forget about it after she doesn’t say anything for a few moments, and Levi exhales, body relaxing slightly. However, he tenses right back up again when she finally speaks, apparently having not dropped the subject.

“Was it the forest?”

Her words don’t sound real at first. For a moment, Levi actually thinks he’s dreaming again, because there’s _no way_ that Petra knows what he’s thinking about. There’s no way she knows what his dream was about unless she has had the same one before. But when he finally looks at her, and she simply just gazes at him expectantly, Levi realizes that this is reality. She did just ask that question.

“ _What_?” he asks despite himself, giving it away. Yeah, he did dream about a forest, but she didn’t have to know. He could have lied to her, could have asked her what she was talking about, played stupid, anything but - “Petra, how did you-”

Before he has a chance to finish, Petra is reaching out, moving and straining herself more than she has before, the pain of it evident on her face. Levi closes the gap between them, grabbing her hand in return, but before he has the chance to chastise her for moving to much, she’s speaking again, voice breathy, soft.

“Erwin is a good guy, you know,” she says without looking at Levi. Her head is back on her pillow, eyes closed, but there’s a smile on her lips, and Levi has absolutely no idea what’s going on or what she’s talking about. “He’ll take care of you.”

“Whoa, hey - _Pet_ ,” Levi says, suddenly concerned, if not a little bit confused, by her words. Whatever is going on in her head, he doesn't like the sound of it. “What are you talking about?”

She just smiles, though, opening her eyes at last and turning to look at him. “Sorry,” she mutters passively “I think the drugs are just making me loopy.”

Levi huffs out a laugh, but it doesn’t make him feel any better. Pain killers or not, weird comments or not, he’s going to feel concerned for Petra until she’s finally well enough to come home.

He attempts to change the subject, though, trying not to spend too much time thinking about Petra’s words and what they mean. He doesn't want to think about Erwin or his awful dream or the fact that Petra seems to know what he's talking about. They can discuss that at a later time. “Your parents are on their way here,” he murmurs, “They caught a flight a little bit ago.”

Petra sighs. “You didn’t have to worry them. I’m gonna be fine.”

“I know you are,” Levi says with a squeeze to her hand, “But I had to, I’m sorry.”

“You better be,” she says with a slight quirk to her lips. The more they talk, the more aware she seems to get, and that makes Levi feel a little better, a little less uneasy considering her previous words.

“You should go get some coffee,” Petra says after a long beat of silence, shaking Levi out of his thoughts, “You really do look like shit.”

Levi shakes his head, “No, I’m staying here with you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Petra argues, “You look exhausted and I know you have barely slept. Go get some coffee. _For me_.”

Levi sighs at that, defeated. The truth is, he _is_ exhausted. Maybe stretching his legs a bit will wake up him up some. And some coffee wouldn’t hurt, since he neglected the cup that the nurse brought him and it has long since gone cold.

“Fine,” he mutters in defeat. At that, he’s standing, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to her forehead, and committing the image of her smiling up at him to memory. Even with scrapes and bruises littering her face and dark circles under her eyes, she’s stunning. “I’ll be right back.”

As Levi makes the trek down the long hallway to get something to drink, he takes a moment to read over his missed text messages. Many are from Petra’s friends and family, which Levi replies quickly to, assuring them that she’s stable and they’ll know more as soon as he does, but eventually, the text messages that he gets stuck on are Erwin’s. It’s _always_ fucking Erwin, and Levi feels like an asshole for even glancing at the texts from the other man, considering his situation right now, but he can’t help it. Before last night, they had been trying to save their friendship, Levi had been prepared to put what happened behind him as soon as he talked to Erwin about it. But everything has been brought to a stand still, and, staring down at his text messages, Levi wants to find comfort in one of his only friends in Oregon, but he has absolutely no idea what to say.

Alongside the two text messages, there is a newer one from Erwin, sent late last night that simply reads, _“I hope everything is alright. Please let me know if you need anything.”_

Levi reads and rereads that last text over and over again, trying to decipher it, trying to understand why Erwin is so kind to him. The other man has absolutely no idea why Levi stood him up last night and likely doesn’t know that Petra is in the hospital, yet instead of sending an angry, accusatory text Levi’s way for not showing up, he just seems concerned. The message almost makes Levi feel even more guilty, given his circumstances, but even more so, it makes him feel grateful for having such a kind hearted person in his life, especially as a friend. It simply proves why he should keep Erwin in his life and put that one mistake behind them, because above all, he’s someone that Levi wants in his life.

As Levi pours himself a cup of coffee from the shitty hospital vending machine, he comes to the decision that he’ll text Erwin back, or possibly call him later and explain what happened and apologize for not saying anything sooner. Levi needs support in a time like this, and if he knows Erwin as well as he thinks he does, then he knows he’ll be there.

However, Levi doesn’t really have the time to come up with the right words to say right now, because before he even finishes getting his coffee, he’s shaken out of his thoughts by two nurses practically sprinting down the hall past him. He turns to watch them as they run down the hallway and hang a left, back in the direction that he came, and in a split second, Levi feels his heart practically plummet to his stomach.

Levi’s rational side tells him that there’s nothing to worry about, that Petra isn’t the only person in the hospital, nor is she the only patient under close surveillance in this wing right now, but he can’t help but feel a little worried as he watches a doctor run by as well. But it can’t be her, _right?_ Even as Levi grabs his coffee and begins to follow the nurses and doctors back down the hallway, walking as quickly as he can without seeming panicked, he rationalizes that he’s just being paranoid. He was _just_ talking with Petra, and she seemed completely fine. The nurses were optimistic, enough so to let him stay in her room well past visiting hours. She was a little loopy, but that’s to be expected, considering all of the drugs they likely have her on. Other than that, she was fine. She was his normal Petra, joking with him and pestering him to take care of himself, even when he didn’t want to.

 _She’s fine. She has to be_.

When Levi finally rounds the corner, though, all of those rational thoughts go right out the window. He doesn’t register when the coffee cup falls out of his hand, nor does he realize that it has splattered all over the linoleum floor, his shoes and even nearby staff members, all whom immediately turn their attention to him. Instead, all Levi sees are _strangers_ rushing into his wife’s hospital room. All he can hear, between the door opening and closing, is the steady, solid sound of her heart rate monitor flatlining. Levi can’t even begin to wonder what happened, what went wrong, because in an instant, he wants nothing more than to just be in that room with her, by her side.

He lunges forward, but is stopped abruptly by a pair of hands gripping his shoulders, holding him firmly in place, forcing him to look on as nurses attempt to revive Petra. He can’t even see her from where he stands, breathless, wordless, feeling as if the wind just got knocked out of him. He doesn’t register the voices begging him to _please, sir, calm down, they’re doing everything they can._ Instead, all Levi feels is the same pain that he felt in his dream the night before. When he blinks, he sees Petra’s lifeless eyes staring right back at him, and then everything’s going black.

* * *

 

_“Why do I think I’ll be a good fit for your squad?” Petra asks, all bright eyes and bubbling energy. She’s far too excited for someone who has practically just signed their own death certificate. The mortality rate for Survey Corps members is dangerously high. Many of them don’t live to see their thirties. Sure, there are a few who remain lucky enough - if that’s what you want to call it - to see multiple expeditions outside the walls, to celebrate their thirtieth birthday, but Petra… She’ll never make it. Levi knows this the first time he meets her, and he tries to talk her out of joining his squad, but she doesn’t listen. She’s persistent._

_“I’m light on my feet,” she answers at last, shaking Levi from his thoughts, “I’m capable of assessing a situation quickly and making changes and calculations accordingly. I’ve been on three expeditions outside of the walls and have taken down a titan twice on my own, double that with the help of others. I’m skilled with maneuver gear and-”_

_“Enough,” Levi says, raising his hand, “I’ve heard enough.”_

_“But-” Petra begins to argue, but Levi cuts her off again._

_“You’re too inexperienced,” he insists, “You’ll get yourself and the rest of my squad killed out there with that attitude. It’s not just about being a quick thinker or an adept fighter, it’s about knowing when to put the good of humanity before yourself. You need to be able to make choices without regretting the path you take. You’re too young to understand that.”_

_“You don’t know that!” she argues in return, angry, passionate, hot headed. She reminds him a lot of Isabel in those aspects, just another reason to push her as far away as possible. Levi doesn’t want to be responsible for any more deaths. “Let me prove myself to you, Captain. It would be a honor to join your squad. Please.”_

_Levi scoffs. “An honor,” he mutters under his breath. And then, before Petra can say anything else, he speaks again, voice steady, certain. “This conversation is over. You are dismissed.”_

_But, before Petra can hang her head in defeat, and before Levi can begin to feel good about stopping another young girl from dying in his stead, he feels a heavy hand on his shoulder. Levi knows who it is before they even speak, and he almost knows what they’re going to say before they say it._

_“I think you should reconsider Ral’s request, Captain,” Erwin says, voice smooth, steady and commanding behind him. Levi wants to turn, tell him to fuck off, throw his stupid fucking hand off of his shoulder, but he does none of those things. Instead, he merely stiffens at Erwin’s words. He can’t say no to him, never has been able to. He knows before Erwin even makes his argument that he’ll end up succumbing, that Petra Ral will be as good as dead._

_“She has proven herself time and time again both in training and outside of the walls,” Erwin says, “Petra is easily one of our most skilled cadets on the maneuver gear, and she isn’t lying when she says she’s quick on her feet. She would be a great asset to your squad, Levi.”_

_In front of him, Petra looks torn between beaming at Erwin’s praise and slinking away under Levi glare. Obviously, she didn’t ask Erwin to defend her like this, it’s not her fault, but Levi can’t help the way he’s short in return, muttering a harsh, “Fine. I’ll think about it. You’re dismissed,” before she’s scurrying away._

_Immediately, Levi is spinning on his heel, ripping away from Erwin’s touch and glaring up into his calm gaze. Even after knowing one another for years, Levi is still defiant to Erwin from time to time. Now, alone in his office, three years after their first encounter, it is no different._

_“What the fuck, Erwin?” Levi hisses, “I already made my decision.”_

_“And I simply think that you should reconsider,” Erwin replies, taking a step forward, arm outstretched. He reaches for Levi, who only jerks away from him in response._

_“No,” he bites, “You don’t get to touch me right now. That was fucked up.”_

_Erwin offers him an apologetic smile and recoils slightly, taking a step back. “I’m sorry if I offended you,” he says, voice more sincere, “But I do believe that Ral would make a good member of your squad. She is more than capable on the battlefield, and you work well together.”_

_“I already have enough people. I don’t want her,” Levi bites, looking down. He doesn’t make eye contact with Erwin, doesn’t want him to catch him in a lie, but Erwin is more perceptive than Levi gives him credit for._

_“This is about Isabel,” he infers, voice going soft. It’s a tone Levi only hears when he’s alone with Erwin, a side of him that he rarely shows others. To everyone else, Erwin is the cold, calculating and brilliant Commander. To Levi, he’s much more than that. Because of that connection, Erwin understands almost immediately that Petra reminds him of Isabel. How could she not?_

_But Levi doesn’t want that right now. He certainly doesn’t want to talk about it right now. “So what if it is?” he bites, “It’s none of your fucking business.”_

_“Levi…” Erwin murmurs softly. This time, when he takes a step forward, when he reaches out, Levi doesn’t recoil. The first touch comes on his elbow, the second on his shoulder. They’re gentle, soft, something one wouldn’t expect from a Commander, but there is more to Erwin than meets the eye. Eventually, he cups Levi’s chin, lifting his head to look him in the eyes. “What happened to Isabel was not your fault. What happens to these soldiers, and the members of your squad, will never be your fault. They, more than anyone, understand the severity of the situation. It isn’t on you.”_

_Levi tries to turn away, looks down over his shoulder, but Erwin stops him, keeping his face in his hands. “Look at me,” he commands softly, and Levi eventually complies, gazing up at him._

_“What?”_

_“Trust me,” Erwin murmurs, “As I trust you. Please.”_

_And at that, Levi deflates. “I do trust you,” he sighs._

_Without another word, Erwin is dipping down to kiss him, and Levi eagerly arches into the touch._

_Two years later, Petra dies at the hands of the female titan, and Levi finds her body, mangled and broken on the forest floor. He tries to tell himself that it wasn’t his fault, tries to believe Erwin when he tells him so after they return home, but all he can see are her eyes, once so full of fire and hope and life, staring blankly up at him._

_He let her down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there it is.
> 
> I didn't initially intend on ending this arc this way, but there was a lot that went into the decision behind Petra's death. Most importantly, I didn't want to make this some melodramatic story about Levi cheating on his wife and leaving her for Erwin. Even writing the kiss a few chapters ago was hard for me simply because I really don't want to condone cheating or fuck up Levi's character or anything like that. 
> 
> I also wrote the majority of this chapter before chapter 84 of the manga came out, so I apologize for giving you guys even more angst and death. Definitely didn't mean for this to come out around the same time, it was just shitty timing haha. 
> 
> I know there are a lot of people who didn't want Petra to die in this story and I completely understand why, because she definitely deserves better than canon. I also don't want anyone to think that I simply wanted to kill Petra off to further Erwin and Levi's romance. Trust me, they're not just going to end up together now that she's out of the picture. (That would be super fucked up haha.) The next chapter is also going to be the story strictly from Petra's POV. I didn't initially plan on writing it when I first outlined this fic, but she turned out to be a much more important character than I intended and it wouldn't be fair to not share her side of the story as well. (Also it'll answer a lot of questions you have about her and her memories of the past!) I'll hopefully post that one pretty quickly! 
> 
> TLDR; I'm really self-conscious about the way this chapter played out, but I hope you guys trust me, because there is definitely still a LOT more to come!


	9. Off By Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _The stars are aligned, but they don't align for us_  
>  \- [...Off By Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPCiLHMxwuY) \- City And Colour
> 
> Yoooo two updates in two days whats up! 
> 
> I was too excited about this chapter to wait to get it up, so here you guys go! This one is written from Petra's perspective and it was a lot of fun to write.

Loving Levi feels like coming home. 

It’s cheesy and cliche and something Petra would never actually say to the man for fear of sounding naive or childish, but it’s true. Petra has never felt more at ease or more at home than she has at her husband’s side, and she has felt that way every since they were children. 

There’s just… Something  _ different _ about Levi. Petra is certain that everyone says that about the person they love, but the words have a different meaning entirely to her. You know those love stories about soul mates who were meant to be, lovers who are incomplete without one another, but once they find each other everything seems to make sense? That’s how Petra feels about Levi. From the moment that they meet, she knows that there’s something special about him.

It isn’t until a few years later that she realizes that it’s because she’s been dreaming about him all her life. 

The first time they kiss, the first time their lips connect, tentative, clumsy and unsure, it’s like a switch flips inside of Petra. She closes her eyes, and she can see Levi, really truly  _ see _ him, but it’s not the Levi she knows. Just for a brief moment, she sees Levi as they are now, scared fresh-faced and wide-eyed teenagers, sharing their first kiss with one another, but as fast as that image is there, it’s gone, replaced by ones she only recognizes later as her dreams. Blood, so much blood and Levi, graceful as ever, soaring through the sky, Levi fast, ferocious and fatal, small and compact but very, very deadly and  _ much _ older than he is now. It isn’t the Levi that she knows, and just as fast as that image is there, it is gone and she is pulling away from the kiss, eyes wide, terrified.

And Levi, caring as ever, closes the distance between them once more, pressing a sturdy kiss to Petra’s lips. This time, when she closes her eyes, all she sees is this Levi,  _ her _ Levi with messy hair, band t-shirts and ripped up jeans. She smiles into the kiss.

The dreams never really go away. In her adolescence, Petra just chalks it up to an overactive imagination and infatuation with best friend turned boyfriend. All throughout high school, they persist, and when she and Levi move to Utah for college, they follow her there. Sometimes they are simple, not varying much from her everyday life except for the fact that Levi looks much older in her dreams. She only mentions it to him once, to which he laughs it off, asking if he looked good as an old man. 

Her freshman year of college is when things begin to change, though. The dreams become more vivid and more frequent until she awakes at least once every few nights from a nightmare. Sometimes, Levi isn’t there, sometimes he is. When he is, they’re usually better, but not always. Sometimes, Petra is running through an endless forest as an invisible monster chases after her. She can never see it, but can feel its presence, and that’s terrifying enough to wake her up. 

And then she  _ does _ see it. 

The first time she sees its face, it all comes rushing back to her. Or at least, bits and pieces do. She still doesn’t fully grasp the severity and enormity of the situation. 

_ The titans jaws are massive, teeth still bloody from the body that it ripped in half and discarded on the forest floor. It runs on all fours like a wild animal at Petra, who struggles to stay ahead, her breath coming out in quick bursts. Trees fly by, and it takes her a moment to realize that she isn’t running, but soaring through the forest, held in place by metal wires.  _

_ Eventually, the monster does catch her, though. Its massive hand wraps around her middle, ripping her from mid-air and she lets out a piercing scream -  _

“Petra!” Levi’s voice breaks through, cutting the dream short, shaking her out of it. 

Taking one heaving breath after another, Petra quickly comes to, hear racing, fists clenched. She blinks her eyes open, vision adjusting to the dim light of her bedroom. The lamp on the opposite side of the bed is on and the first thing she can make out is Levi’s form, his worried eyes searching her face for an answer. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, and belatedly, she realizes that he has already asked the question a couple of times. The images from her dream are still fresh in her memory. The beast’s disgusting mouth, it’s bloody teeth, the stench as it grabbed her from mid air. She closes her eyes tightly before nodding stiffly.

“Yeah, sorry,” she mutters, “I just had a bad dream.”

Levi hums at her side. His hand rubs up and down her back gently. “You seem to be having a lot of those lately.”

Petra takes a deep breath, then another. “I know,” she says in response, “I think it’s just the stress of moving to a new place… Starting school -” She wants to say more, but a yawn cuts her off. Truth be told, she’s been having dreams like this for a while now, but they’ve recently become more vivid and she has no idea why. 

“You need to take it easy,” Levi insists. “Do you want a glass of water or anything?”

“No,” she mutters, shaking her head, “Let’s just go back to sleep.”

And thankfully, when she finally falls into sleep once more, it’s dreamless, blank.

But it doesn’t last.

Two days later, Petra finds herself in the campus health center, talking with a nurse about her increasingly frequent headaches and vivid dreams after nearly passing out during an exam because a migraine had been so severe. A few weeks after that, Levi convinces her to see a doctor - a  _ real _ doctor, as he puts it, not just a campus nurse - and tests come back inconclusive. Years later, she is prescribed some medication to help with the migraines, but the vivid dreams persist. In fact, they seem to become stronger as time goes on.

They’re not all bad. Sometimes, Petra will dream of sharing drinks with Levi alongside a few random faces that she doesn’t recognize. They’ll all be wearing these weird tan uniforms each time, symbols stitched across the heart and over their backs that seem so vivid in her sleep, but when she tries to remember them when she wakes, she can’t. There’s something about those different dreams, the calm ones, that fill Petra with a sense a peace. They’re not all bad, and over time, Petra comes to expect and even enjoy them. The Levi in her dreams may not be the same Levi that she gets to spend every day with, but that’s kind of the beauty of it. 

Two days before they get married, Petra finds herself sitting across from Levi in an upscale restaurant, celebrating what she hopes will be the rest of their lives together. She can’t imagine marrying anyone other than her best friend, and when she looks across the table at Levi, her heart fills with joy. The term  _ soulmates _ may sound cheesy, but that’s the first thing that comes to mind when she thinks of her fiance, soon to be husband, even if she’s never told him before.

Apparently, lost in her thoughts, Petra misses something that Levi says to her and doesn’t realize it until she notices that he is laughing. 

“What?” she asks, shaking her daydream away in favor of smiling innocently across the table at Levi. 

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying,” he teases, “What’s going on up there?”

Petra laughs in response. “Nothing, I’m just thinking about Saturday.”

Levi just offers her a sly grin. “What about it?”

Looking back on it, Petra isn’t sure what makes her say it, why she doesn’t just keep the thoughts to herself, but as soon as the words are out, she can’t take them back. “Do you believe in past lives?”

Levi raises his eyebrows. “Past lives?”

“Yeah, like reincarnation,” she says. When Levi doesn’t respond right away though, she begins to backtrack. Even with images of Levi, not quite  _ her _ Levi, but not very different, running through her mind, she tells herself that it’s just an active imagination. She only dreams of Levi because she loves him. Right?

“I don’t know…” she says before he can shoot her down, “I just… I know the idea soulmates is cheesy, but I just feel like we were meant to be together.”

Levi watches her for a moment, as if trying to figure out what is going through her head, and after a few seconds, he offers her a smile. “You better feel that way,” he teases softly, reaching across the table to grab her hand, “Because we’re getting married in two days.”

And that’s the last time Petra ever mentions it to Levi.

Then, she meets Erwin Smith. 

She isn’t sure what draws her to the tall, blonde teacher until he turns around and she sees his face, and then it hits her like a truck. She recognizes him - she  _ knows _ that face - but from where? For a moment, she studies him from across the room, trying to figure it out. It’s like when you forget a word or a name, and it’s on the tip of your tongue but just won’t come out…

And then it’s gone. 

Thankfully, Petra has become better at controlling these random memories, pieces of dreams or deja vu - whatever they are - but that doesn’t stop her from approaching him. Maybe, if she talks to the guy, she’ll remember. But that doesn’t happen. Though Erwin seems nice and offers to show them around the school, Petra spends the majority of their interaction trying to figure out where she knows him from and failing to remember. In the end, whether it’s because of the stress this puts her under or something else entirely, Petra ends up with a searing migraine and her and Levi politely see themselves out, but not before Erwin slips Levi a business card.

That night, Petra falls into what she hopes will be a peaceful, dreamless sleep, but it ends up being so much more and the next morning, she awakes from one of the most vivid dreams she has had in a long while. 

_ “Why do I think I’ll be a good fit for your squad?” Petra asks. On the outside, her voice is bubbly, passionate and energetic. But behind her back, she picks nervously at already blunt fingernails. Her heart races at the prospect of becoming part of Captain Levi’s squad and she feels small under his gaze, despite the fact that they are nearly the same size and build. Levi hair an intimidating, powerful air about him, and Petra is not immune to it. But she’ll be damned if she doesn’t defend herself.  _

_ “I’m light on my feet,” she answers after a beat of silence, “I’m capable of assessing a situation quickly and making changes and calculations accordingly. I’ve been on three expeditions outside of the walls and have taken down a titan twice on my own, double that with the help of others. I’m skilled with maneuver gear and-” _

_ “Enough,” Levi says, raising his hand, “I’ve heard enough.” _

_ And just as fast as Petra’s spirits raise - is that really all he needed to hear to accept her? - they plummet. From the look on his face alone, Petra can tell that he doesn’t want her. He doesn’t think she’s good enough. _

_ “But-” Petra begins to argue, but Levi cuts her off again.  _

_ “You’re too inexperienced,” he insists, “You’ll get yourself and the rest of my squad killed out there with that attitude. It’s not just about being a quick thinker or an adept fighter, it’s about knowing when to put the good of humanity before yourself. You need to be able to make choices without regretting the path you take. You’re too young to understand that.” _

_ There are plenty of things Petra wants to say to Levi. She may be young, but she is more than capable of handling herself. She’s smart, fast, knows when to put herself above others and when to put others above herself, when to make a hard decision or the ultimate sacrifice. Levi doesn’t see that, and despite the fact that he terrifies her, despite the fact that he’s everything she wants to be she can’t take no as an answer.  _

_ But instead of coming off as the calm, cool and collected soldier that she wants to portray, she explodes at Levi of all people. “You don’t know that!” she yells, passionate and angry. How dare he assume so much of her when he barely even knows her? He’s never trained with her, has barely seen her in action. “Let me prove myself to you, Captain. It would be a honor to join your squad. Please.” _

_ And then, just when Levi dismisses her, turning her down and subsequently crushing her dreams, a voice - one Petra never expected to intervene - speaks up.  _

_ “I think you should reconsider Ral’s request, Captain,” Erwin says, voice smooth, calm and powerful. Up until that point, Erwin has been silent behind Levi, leaning on his desk, watching the interaction. Petra nearly forgot that her commanding officer was even in the room, and just the sound of his voice nearly causes her to jump. Instead, she stands frozen in place as she watches Erwin approach as he continues talking.  _

_ When Levi does eventually dismiss her once more, it doesn’t seem that his annoyance has dissolved at all. He waves a hand at her, eyes closed, frustrated, and she does not waste a single second before she’s scurrying out the door and closing it behind herself. Instead of running down the hallway and back to the barracks though, Petra takes a moment to pause and collect her thoughts, mind racing. One one hand, she wants to be devastated because Levi didn’t want her, because all of her dreams and aspirations of becoming a member of his elite squad have been crushed. For fuck’s sake, it was her first time ever speaking to the Captain, and it went terribly. _

_ But… _

_ But Erwin, Erwin Smith, the 13th Commander of the Survey Corps and Levi’s superior officer had defended her. It takes Petra a moment to wrap her head around that, and as she collects her thoughts, she leans up against the door, and ultimately finds herself unintentionally eavesdropping on the following conversation between Commander and Captain.  _

_ “...you should reconsider…” she hears Erwin saying softly from the other side of the door.  _

_ “No,” Levi bites in response, “You don’t get to touch me right now. That was fucked up.” _

_ And, despite the fact that she would be mortified if either man found out she was still there, listening in on their conversation, Petra can’t help but press her ear to the door.  _

_ “This is about Isabel…” Erwin says, and for a long moment, it’s quiet. Petra pulls away from the door, worried that she has been caught, that one or both of them will throw the door open any second now, but that doesn’t happen. Instead, she hears Levi respond -  _

_ “So what if it is? It’s none of your fucking business.” _

_ Petra isn’t surprised by the way that Levi talks to their Commander - he has never been one to hold his tongue - but what she is surprised by is Erwin’s soft, gentle response.  _

_ “Levi… What happened to Isabel was not your fault. What happens to these soldiers, and the members of your squad, will never be your fault. They, more than anyone, understand the severity of the situation. It isn’t on you.”  _

_ Then, softer, “Look at me.” _

_ And suddenly, Petra feels as if she is interrupting something very private. Without waiting for another word, she steps away from the door. _

* * *

 

Then, Levi discovers that Erwin Smith, the kind schoolteacher who showed them around one night, lives down the street from their new home. Petra gets home one evening to the news, and immediately, her thoughts drift to her dream from a few weeks prior. She hasn’t dreamt of him since, and chalked it up to painkillers and an interesting evening giving her vivid dreams, but…

But then Levi asks her if she thought the teacher seemed familiar too, and for a moment, she wonders if she’s not crazy. Maybe she  _ has _ met him before. For a brief moment, she hopes that maybe, these weird, vivid dreams that she’s been having since a child are gone, replaced by ones that actually make sense. Maybe they met Erwin once and only vaguely remember him… But that’s not the case, and just as fast as Petra’s hopes rise, they dissipate. 

But for some reason, Petra can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy when Levi tells her of the new development, that Erwin lives down the street, that Levi seems to enjoy his company. In an instant, she’s reminded of the way her husband and this complete stranger interracted in her dream, and then she’s shaking that thought away, because it was  _ just a dream _ . It was just a dream, and Levi doesn’t have many friends. She should be happy for him. So she is. 

So time goes on, and Levi and Erwin become fast friends, and gradually, the dreams return. They will have Erwin over for dinner, and that evening, Petra will dream of him, calm, cool and collected, leading an army into battle. More than once after waking from these vivid dreams, Petra tries to find some sort of meaning in them, tries to research the symbolism of horses, battles, forests and even giants… Something that can make sense of the weird dreams. But she is unable to put two and two together. 

And then everything comes crashing into place all at once, both figuratively and literally. 

Petra doesn’t see the truck until the very last second. When you’ve been a perfect driver your entire life, never so much as even getting a single speeding ticket, sometimes you tend to forget how dangerous being out on the road is… And maybe that’s what happens. Maybe she got careless, maybe she forgot that not everyone is as attentive as her. Maybe it was fate. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter as soon as the truck collides with her car in the middle of that intersection. It’s too late by the time she sees it, and as soon as the car collide, Petra’s world goes black. 

They say your life will flash before your eyes, and that does happen, but not in the way that one would expect.

* * *

 

_ There’s something about the eerie silence of the forest that should set alarms off in Petra’s head, but she’s a soldier, she’s been trained for this. She knew long ago that one day, she’d have to make the ultimate sacrifice. She knew that when she pledged her allegiance to the Survey Corps, when she practically begged Levi to allow her to join his squad on that fateful day.  _

_ And then Eld falls. It happens within the blink of an eye, and suddenly, Petra’s own mortality becomes very, very real.  _

_ She knows she’s not making it out of the forest alive, but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t try to help her friends and fellow soldiers before she’s gone.  _

_ The female titan comes for her next, and as it does, Petra shouts out orders and observations to her squad, anything to help them defeat this monster, because if they can’t, then nobody else stands a chance. In those last few moments, heart racing, body trembling, everything seems so crystal clear.  _

_ This is what Levi had been worried about, years ago. Would she be able to make the right choice for her team? Would she be able to make the ultimate sacrifice for humanity? Would she be brave? _

_ The answer always, was yes.  _

_ In those last moments, she just hopes that Levi will be proud - that she helped in some way, even if it wasn’t much. _

* * *

 

In between fitful sleep and agonizing pain, Petra sees Levi. For a short while, she is unsure of what is real and what is not - is she in a hospital bed, or military barracks? - but then Levi reaches out and touches her hand, cementing her in reality. Or at least,  _ current  _ reality. 

In that moment, Petra has no doubts about reincarnation, past lives. Her and Levi were meant to find each other this time around, even if it took her this long to realize it, even if he doesn’t know or understand.

Before everything goes black once more, her thoughts drift to Erwin, and she wonders if he knows too.

* * *

 

_ The question has been burning at the back of Petra’s throat for weeks now, ever since she overheard the conversation between Commander and Captain, and now, in her new quarters surrounded by other members of Squad Levi, she can’t help but ask.  _

_ “How close are the Commander and Captain Levi?” _

_ It’s quiet for a moment, and then as if in unison, the entire squad breaks out into laughter.  _

_ “What?” Petra asks, afraid she’s missing some sort of joke. _

_ “I heard that Erwin made up the position just for him,” Gunther says, voice hushed, leaning in as if telling a secret.  _

_ “Made it up?” Petra asks. _

_ “Yeah,” Oulo cuts in, “Have you ever heard of another Captain in the Survey Corps? No, they’re all Squad Leaders.” _

_ Regrettably, even Eld jumps in. “I’ve heard that Erwin always requests that Levi accompany him on his trips to the capital…” _

_ “And the Captain spends more time in the Commander’s office than his own,” Gunther adds. _

_ Petra raises her eyebrows, surprised that they all know so much. “You don’t think-” _

_ “Have you seen the way they look at each other?” Oulo asks, “I wouldn’t doubt it.” _

_ “When Levi received his promotion, there were rumors that it was because he was sleeping with the Commander-” _

_ “But we have no way of knowing for sure,” Eld interrupts, clearly distressed with the way the conversation is going. _

_ But Oulo continues, “Unless someone wants to spy on them.” _

_ He gives Petra a pointed look and her eyes widen. “Me? Oh no, I can’t, I -” _

_ “No,” a deep voice rings out from the open doorway, “You probably shouldn’t.” _

_ In unison, every single head in the room turns, their gazes landing on Levi, leaning up against the doorframe, arms crossed and expression unreadable. Immediately, the air in the room changes, everyone straightens up.  _

_ “Captain,” Eld says, “We were just -” _

_ “You should be getting some sleep,” Levi says, tongue quick but voice remaining even. Petra is unsure if it's more intimidating when you can't tell if he's angry or not. “Training begins early tomorrow morning. You have a new squad member to get up to speed.” _

_ At that, Levi shoots a pointed look at Petra, who feels even smaller under his scrutiny.  _

_ Again, in unison his soldiers respond. “Sir!” _

_ But when Levi turns on his heel, it's Petra who can't keep her mouth shut. She's already on thin ice with Levi and the last thing she needs is for him to be angry with her. “Captain, we were just -” _

_ But Levi cuts her off without even turning to face her. “Get to sleep Ral,” he orders, “You have a big day tomorrow.” _

* * *

 

One time when Petra wakes, Levi is sleeping, slouched in the chair next to her bed. She takes in his form and smiles to herself, suddenly thankful that they have one another in this life, that things were easier this time around. Maybe she’s delusional. Maybe it’s whatever the hospital has her on, and it’s all just one weird, vivid dream that doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Maybe there are no past lives and reincarnation isn’t real, but either way, she’s glad that she has Levi in this lifetime. She’s glad that things are simpler here, than in those dreams and visions that are beginning to feel more and more real.

* * *

 

_ Petra would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least somewhat infatuated with the Captain, but who isn’t? He’s strong and commanding, powerful and beautiful. Levi is confident and self-assured. If he ever has any doubts on the battlefield or in his decisions, he doesn’t let them show. He’s an incredible leader, and an even better friend. _

_ And a few months after becoming part of his squad, she learns that’s why Erwin cares for him as well.  _

_ This evening in particular, Petra is in the stables, tending to her mare after a rather rough day training. It had been two days ago, but she’s still concerned for the horse. She had been exhausted by the end of training, and while she seems to be fine now, Petra needs to be sure. That horse is just as important as she is as a soldier.  _

_ It’s in those stables, as Petra sits on a stool in her mare’s stall, observing and grooming her, that she hears the doors open. At first, she goes to stand, to greet whoever entered, but then she hears Levi’s voice carrying through the building. _

_ “You idiot,” he mutters over the shuffling of feet, obviously speaking to someone else. “How do you know nobody’s in here?” _

_ Erwin’s low chuckle rings out in response. “Would I have brought you here otherwise?” _

_ “I don’t know,” Levi bites, voice painfully unamused, deadpan. “Maybe you wanted an audience.” _

_ “You know me well, Levi,” Erwin says with soft amusement. He’s always so gentle when he speaks to Levi in private. Petra knows this because, whether she likes to admit it or not, she has caught herself eavesdropping on them more than once since becoming part of Levi’s squad. She never means to, always just finds herself in the wrong place at the right time, but this time is different.  _

_ Erwin continues, “But you should know that I wanted to be alone with you.” _

_ Petra raises her eyebrows, but slouches in her seat. It doesn’t sound like they’re coming any closer, but she can’t be too careful. If she were to expose herself now, it would only be awkward. However, when she doesn’t hear anything else in response, save for the shuffling of feet, she begins to grow curious. Despite her better judgement, she rises, sneaking a peek over the stall door to catch a glimpse of the corridor where Commander and Captain stand. Levi reaches out, pulling gently at the lapels of Erwin’s jacket as he looks him up and down, scrutinizing, too busy to notice Petra watching from a distance.  _

_ “It’s been a while since we’ve done this,” he remarks, but his expression doesn’t change. Lips downturned, eyes low.  _

_ Erwin hums, his own hands coming to rest over Levi’s. “It’s nice to sneak away every so often.” _

_ “But if you think you’re fucking me in this stable-” _

_ Petra’s eyes widen at the turn in the conversation, and without thinking about it, she ducks back down, missing her seat and falling on the floor of the stall, rattling the door. The conversation pauses and for a split second, she fears that she’s been caught. _

_ And then the conversation continues. “I would never,” Erwin murmurs, “I just wanted to be alone with you.” _

_ Levi simply huffs in response, and when the stables go quiet once more, Petra chances a glance over the stall door once again. This time, Erwin and Levi are embracing, Levi leaning up on his toes to kiss their Commander. _

* * *

 

_ “Commander?” Petra asks, knocking gently on the open door to Erwin Smith’s office. She chances a glance inside to find him sitting behind his desk, buried in paperwork. “You asked to see me?” _

_ “Ah, yes,” Erwin says, glancing up from his work, “Please, come in. Close the door behind you.” _

_ Petra swallows, doing as she’s told, and glances around the room as she enters. She hasn’t been in Erwin’s office since she asked Levi for a place on his squad, and many things have changed since then. However this time, Levi is nowhere to be found. Despite what the others have said about him, he and Erwin don’t necessarily spend every waking moment together.  _

_ “How has your training been so far?” Erwin asks as soon as Petra settles in her seat. He has set his pen down on his desk, hands folded neatly in front of him, giving her his full attention. It’s actually a bit intimidating, and Petra has to clear her throat before answering.  _

_ “Good,” she says, “It’s a bit more demanding than my previous training, but I expected that, sir.” _

_ “Good,” Erwin echoes, nodding to himself. “We’re planning an expedition in about three weeks. Do you feel that you will be prepared?” _

_ “Absolutely!” Petra answers with enthusiasm. Even if she didn’t feel ready, she’d never tell the Commander no. _

_ “Fantastic,” Erwin replies, offering Petra a smile. There’s something hanging in the air, though. Something heavy. Petra can sense it in the way that Erwin glances down before speaking again. “Levi will pleased to hear that.” _

_ Levi’s absence is very apparent in that moment. In fact, Petra expected to have this sort of conversation with the Captain, not Erwin. Before she can stop herself, she’s asking, “Why isn’t he here?” Then, she immediately backtracks, “I’m sorry, that was rude, it’s just-” _

_ Erwin puts a hand up. “It’s alright. It’s no secret that Levi didn’t exactly approve of your promotion,” he says, choosing his words carefully, as he always does. “But it’s not because he doesn’t trust you as a soldier. He just… Well, he may not make it known, but he does worry about his team. He thinks that -” _

_ “He thinks I can’t handle myself,” Petra infers. _

_ “No, not necessarily,” Erwin confides, “You simply remind him of someone he used to know. He doesn’t want to be responsible for what could happen to you.” _

_ Petra raises her eyebrows. Not once has she seen these concerns from Levi. He’s always so stern, so hard on her and the other soldiers, so commanding. This is news to her, but - “I’m responsible for myself.” _

_ Erwin grins at Petra’s words. “I know you are. That’s why I convinced him to take you on.” _

_ “Why -” _

_ “Because you are one of our best soldiers,” Erwin answers earnestly, leaning forward on his desk, “And because I trust you.” _

_ Petra opens her mouth to say something, to thank Erwin or ask him why he trusts her so much when he barely knows her, but she doesn’t get the chance to get any words out before he cuts her off.  _

_ “I know that you were in the stables the other night, Petra.” _

_ At that, Petra’s jaw drops. She sputters, caught off guard. “I don’t - I wasn’t -” _

_ “Yes, you were,” Erwin says, a smile still pulling at his lips, “However, I also know that you haven’t told anyone. Why is that?” _

_ Truth be told, Petra thought about it. She thought about running back to her squad and telling them all about what she just witnessed, because they’d never believe it, they were right all along, but - _

_ “It’s none of my business,” she answers simply.  _

_ Erwin’s smile only widens. “Thank you,” his voice sounds genuine when he says it, leaning back in his seat. “Although I don’t care if others know or not, Levi feels otherwise. That, and it wouldn’t hurt if we kept it a secret.” _

_ Petra nods, as if it’s an order. “I won’t say a word.” _

_ And then, just as Erwin opens his mouth to say something else, Levi enters the room without knocking. _

* * *

 

Petra drifts in and out of consciousness, and time becomes irrelevant. How long has she been out? Minutes? Hours? Days? No matter what, Levi is always by her bedside, though. Whether he’s asleep as well or shooting her a tired smile when he’s awake, he’s there. He has always been there.

Sometimes they talk, sometimes they don’t. Petra isn’t sure how much time passes, but Levi is always there, waiting.

* * *

 

_ When Petra blinks her eyes open, it takes her a moment to remember what happened, what resulted in her lying in the infirmary. She remembers the mission, remembers riding behind Levi, alongside Oulo, but then… _

_ It’s fuzzy. However, when Petra turns to her side, she spies her Captain sitting in the chair next to her bed, sipping tea, gazing down at some papers in his lap. _

_ She opens her mouth to say something, but her voice doesn’t quite come to her, not yet. Instead, she just wheezes, but it gets Levi’s attention.  _

_ “Oh good, you’re up,” he says, setting the papers down on the bedside table, “Before Hange comes in here and bombards you, do you remember anything?” _

_ Petra furrows her eyebrows. “I - I don’t -” her voice is rough. It doesn’t sound like her own. _

_ Levi puts a hand up. “Don’t strain yourself, I’m sure it’ll come back.” _

_ “Am I -” she begins, “Is everyone…?” _

_ “You’ll be fine,” he says, “Just a concussion and some bruises, I think. We lost a couple of new recruits, but nothing serious.” _

_ Petra feels herself deflate. Then, she feels a hand on her shoulder. _

_ “You did well out there, Ral,” Levi says, his voice taking on a softer tone. “Erwin was right about you.” _

* * *

 

_ Levi’s trust is hard to gain, but Petra has time. While it may not seem like it, there is plenty of time for the members of the Survey Corps to spare, to get to know one another when they’re not out on expeditions or training. Their life expectancy may be cut in half as soon as they join, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have time.  _

_ After that first expedition, after Petra proves herself to Levi, there’s a shift. He begins to trust her, slowly but surely. Over time, Petra wonders if Erwin told him of the secret that she shares with them, but she dares not ask.  _

_ Over time, they become closer, and over time, she assumes that he has to know. He has to. The way that Levi lets his hands brush Erwin’s in her presence, the way he lets his gaze linger on their Commander, even when she’s looking… He has to know. _

_ Weeks, months and years go by, and Petra becomes closer to Levi than just about anyone else in her life. They and the rest of the squad become strong soldiers and allies, a well oiled machine on the battlefield and close friends off, and finally, one day, she just asks. What else does she have to lose? _

_ It has been a day since their last expedition, and while most of the squad is getting some much needed rest, Petra finds herself heading out to the stables to check on her mare. She had stumbled out on the field and came home limping, and Petra wants to make sure that she’s alright. However, when she notices a figure, a silhouette of a soldier sitting out underneath the awning of the building sheltered from the rain, she can’t help but head their way first. She knows it’s Levi before she even approaches him, as he always seems to go missing on days like this. While nearly everyone else is inside, hiding from the rain, he sits outside, watching it, as if he’s going to learn something from it. _

_ Petra knows that he sees her approaching, but he doesn’t say anything, so when she’s within speaking distance, she does just that.  _

_ “May I sit?” _

_ Levi doesn’t answer, but he gestures for her to do so. _

_ Petra takes her seat on the stone next to Levi and for a moment, it’s quiet, contemplative. “Why aren’t you inside?” she asks at last. _

_ In return, she receives the same question. “Why aren’t you?” _

_ “I was going to go check on my mare,” she answers, “She’s been limping since we returned yesterday.” _

_ “Already wrapped her leg for you,” Levi says without even looking up.  _

_ Petra smiles. “Thank you.” _

_ Again, silence takes over, and Petra gazes out over the courtyard, wondering what Levi would possibly be thinking about. The silence doesn’t last for long, though, and surprisingly, it’s Levi who breaks it.  _

_ “I used to hate the rain,” he says, voice far away, as if remembering something, “But it feels different now.” He reaches his hand out at that, letting a few drops hit his palm, water splashing against the skin before he shakes it away. “Like rebirth.” _

_ Petra has heard the stories. Rumors, of course, never the truth straight from Levi or Erwin’s mouth, but in this moment, she knows that they have to be true. At least part way, anyways. She has heard about the loss of his closest childhood friends, about how he didn’t trust anyone, not even Erwin at first… How he tried to kill Erwin on that rainy battlefield when they lost nearly the entirety of the Survey Corps… But didn’t. She wonders if that’s what Levi is talking about now, so she chances the question, because they’re close enough now. If she’s out of line, he’ll tell her, but if not, he’ll be honest. _

_ “You really care for him, don’t you?” _

_ Levi finally looks at Petra, face sturdy and calm, but the expression in his eyes gives him away. He’s surprised at her bluntness, but he doesn’t tell her to fuck off, doesn’t tell her to leave. Ultimately, he nods.  _

_ “I do.” _

_ So Petra takes another leap. “This may be out of line, but you know he loves you, right?” That much is obvious, just from the way that Erwin has spoken to Petra about Levi just a few times in the past, the way he looks at Levi when he thinks no one is watching, the way he speaks to him… _

_ “It is,” Levi mutters, “But yes, I know.” _

_ It’s silent for a moment, both soldiers gazing out toward the rain. Petra isn’t quite sure what to feel with the personal information Levi just shared with her. Ages ago, she would have been ecstatic, thrilled that Levi trusted her enough to let her in just a little bit, but now… Now, she knows that he’s tired. He’s been fighting this battle for so long, they all have. It’s nice to confide in someone every once in a while.  _

_ “How long have you known?” he asks at last, curiosity getting the better of him. _

_ “A while,” Petra admits, “He told me.” _

_ “Fucker,” Levi bites, but a smile threatens to pull at his lips. “Can’t keep his mouth shut -” _

_ “I would never tell anyone -” Petra starts, but Levi cuts her off.  _

_ “I know,” he insists, “You’re a good friend, Petra.” _

_ And she can’t help but smile. Despite their closeness, it’s the first time he has used the word. Then, he continues. “Have I ever told you about Isabel? _

_ Petra recognizes the name from all those years ago, murmured from behind closed doors, from rumors and stories she has heard from other soldiers, but never from Levi himself. So she says “No.”  _

_ Levi smiles out into the rain. _

* * *

 

The words are on the tip of Petra’s tongue when she awakes again. Again, things feel foggy, and for a moment, she’s unsure of what’s real and what’s not. Is this her current life, or a past one? Will she die fighting on a battlefield, or right here in this hospital bed?

This time, the fog is different, a little stronger, more groggy. Something doesn’t feel right, but Petra doesn’t say that. 

But when Levi mentions his dreams, she has to chance asking, just to see. 

_ “Was it the forest?” _

Just like in her dream - her  _ memory _ \- the look on Levi’s face is confirmation enough. She knows exactly what he dreamt of. Or well, not  _ exactly, _ because she’s unsure of what happened after she was gone - how long did he last after that? Did they make it back to the walls? Did he find her body? Was he mad, disappointed, heartbroken? - but from the look on his face, she is certain that it wasn’t good.

Petra wants to tell Levi everything, but she’s not sure what to say first. That she remembers it too? That the forest wasn’t just a dream, that’s it’s okay, she knows it’s not his fault? Or should she tell him about Erwin, about their life together eons ago? It all wants to come out at once, but the memory of Erwin, of his love for Levi and Levi’s tenderness in return is fresh in her mind. 

_ “Erwin is a good guy, you know. He’ll take care of you.”  _

She’s unsure of what possesses her to say it, but she’s glad she did, despite his reaction. Instead of elaborating or worrying him more, though, Petra just smiles and changes the subject. They can talk about this later, now or in another life. 

Before long, though, Petra knows that it will be the latter. Something about the fog, about the dreams and memories and the present blurring into the past tells her that something isn’t right, that they don’t have long, and the last thing she wants is for Levi to live through it again. So, as much as it breaks her heart to do so, because she  _ loves _ the man sitting next to her, she does in this life and she did in their last one, she tells him to go, assuring him that she’ll be fine even when she knows she won’t. 

Her words aren’t a lie. Somehow, Petra knows that Erwin remembers. That flash of recognition that had been on his face when they first met, the way that he looks at not only Levi, but both of them whenever he’s around… He has to know, and even if he doesn't, Petra knows that he’ll take good care of Levi. Hell, neither she nor Levi remembered when they were children, and they were still drawn together. Petra felt it from an early age, and she knows Levi did too. She felt it toward Erwin, and she’s sure that Levi does too.

So this time, just like last time, she closes her eyes and accepts her fate, and hopes that in some way, she helped Levi, just a little bit. This life was much more kind, more forgiving, and full of love than the last, anyway. And that’s all she can ask for. 


	10. Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I know it's me that's supposed to love you_   
>  _And when I'm home you know I got you_   
>  _Is there somebody who can love you?_
> 
> _Is there somebody who can watch you?_  
>  -[Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBVyZ8pv_Yo) \- The 1975
> 
> HI HOLY CRAP IT HAS BEEN FOREVER.   
> Thank you for being so patient with me between updates! The past few weeks have kind of been insane and I haven't even had the chance to proofread this chapter until now, but I really hope it was worth the wait! I also hope to have the next one up much sooner. <333

At first, Erwin thinks nothing of the radio silence from Levi’s end. He chooses to meet up with him at seven because he has a staff meeting around five on Saturday, and assumes he will probably get out with just enough time to make it to their usual restaurant to meet up and talk about things. Erwin knows that he could have just asked Levi to come over to his place, but considering what happened the last time they were alone, it’s likely best that they meet somewhere public. That way, things can hopefully remain friendly. Hopefully, Erwin will walk away from this without losing Levi completely.

Before he even arrives at the school that evening, Erwin is already planning out what to say to Levi in his head. He decides that he will take full responsibility for what happened, as he was  _ supposed _ to be the responsible one. He  _ knew _ that Levi was married, yet he didn’t make any move to stop him, and even kissed him back. Most of all, Erwin really doesn’t want Levi to blame himself for what happened, though he likely already does. If Erwin knows him well enough - if he is still the same man from their past life - it’ll take some convincing, but hopefully, Levi won’t beat himself up about it. Like before, Erwin is willing to be the bad guy if it is for the good of someone else, especially Levi.

But when Erwin gets out of his work meeting with quite a bit of time to spare - it really only takes about half an hour - and checks his phone to find no messages from Levi, he feels a little concerned. Levi had been the one to reach out to him in the first place, but maybe he’s having second thoughts. Maybe, he has decided that it would just be best to cut Erwin out completely.

Erwin tries not to jump to conclusions, though. Instead, he decides against texting Levi, for fear of coming off too strong, and makes a quick trip back to his house to change and drop off some paperwork from his meeting. He glances in the direction on Levi’s house despite himself as he pulls into the neighbourhood, and is actually quite surprised when he sees no vehicles in the driveway. He half expected Levi to be home, as he usually doesn’t work on Saturdays, but it’s possible that he’s out doing something before stopping by the restaurant later. Again, Erwin doesn’t dwell on it too hard. Ultimately, this is about him distancing himself from Levi a little, he doesn’t need to know everything the other man does.

However, when Erwin finally leaves his house just a little bit before seven to meet up with Levi and still hasn’t heard from him, he feels something akin to dread settling in his stomach. It’s stupid, because they don’t always text to reconfirm plans with one another, but this is important. Or well, it is to Erwin. He hopes it is to Levi, too. But when Erwin arrives at their usual meeting place to find that he has beat Levi there, that familiar feeling rises again. He’s ten minutes early, though. Maybe it’s too early to worry.

But then, thirty minutes pass, and Levi doesn’t show up. 

Erwin orders himself a drink shortly after arriving, even ordering Levi his favorite craft beer as well, but as the minutes tick by and Erwin has finished half of his drink, it becomes apparent that Levi isn’t coming. He wants to be mad, wants to feel stood up or ashamed, but really, he just feels guilty. His own selfishness is likely what pushed Levi away. He should have known that he couldn’t  _ just _ be friends with his former lover, even if Levi doesn’t remember. It was foolish to think that this would end well.

But, either because Erwin is desperate for something,  _ anything  _ from Levi, or partially because he hopes that he’s just assuming the worst and maybe something came up, he tries calling him. To his surprise, it doesn’t go straight to voicemail, nor does it ring a few times before going ignored, which is almost what Erwin expects, especially if Levi is avoiding him. Instead, it rings on and on, like the phone has been lost or forgotten, before eventually going to voicemail. Erwin doesn’t leave a message, but he does shoot Levi a text message as soon as he hangs up:

_ “Hey. Just wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight.” _

It’s something simple, non-accusing. Maybe Levi just forgot. Maybe he got caught up doing something else. There are plenty of explanations. 

Yet, as the minutes tick by, Erwin feels that familiar dread seeping into his bones.

Erwin, aware that it looks like he got stood up, eventually orders some food for himself, having gone hungry earlier that evening in favor of waiting for his meeting with Levi. By the time he’s finished eating, it’s nearing 9-o-clock, and now, instead of angry, frustrated or confused, Erwin just feels worried. 

It isn’t like Levi to ignore a problem. If he didn’t want to see Erwin, if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, he’d let him know. Erwin knows this. Levi doesn’t beat around the bush - he’s rather blunt and to the point, and the fact that he hasn’t heard anything from him actually worries Erwin quite a bit. 

Against his better judgement, Erwin tries calling Levi once more. Again, his phone rings on and on before going to voicemail. And again, instead of leaving one, Erwin sends Levi another text:

_ “Is everything alright?” _

He doesn’t want to sound clingy or obnoxious - two things that Erwin never even thought of in a past life - but he  _ is _ a little worried about Levi at this point. He just wants to make sure that he’s okay. 

When Erwin eventually arrives home, just short of 10 that night, he notices that Levi’s house still looks vacant. Neither his car, nor Petra’s is in the driveway, and there isn’t a single light - not even the porchlight - on in the house. It isn’t until that moment that Erwin  _ really _ begins to grow concerned.

Shortly after arriving home, Erwin sends one more message in hopes of it reaching Levi, in hopes of hearing back.

_ “I hope everything is alright. Please let me know if you need anything.” _

Levi doesn’t respond. This time, when Erwin calls, his phone goes straight to voicemail.

* * *

 

Erwin isn’t quite sure what he expects when he rings Levi’s doorbell the next morning, to no response at all. He’s not sure what he expects when he tries calling once more, only for it to go straight to voicemail again, but this time, Erwin does leave a message, even if it’s on deaf ears.

“Hi Levi, it’s Erwin,” he starts with. _ Deep breath _ . “I apologize if this is overbearing, but I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I didn’t hear from you last night, and I’m just… Concerned, I suppose. Please give me a call whenever you get this.” 

It’s short, sweet, and hopefully not too horribly clingy. Erwin doesn’t want Levi to call and suddenly tell him that he wants to be together, that he left Petra and now they can be happy, he just simply wants to know if he is okay.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t hear from Levi for nearly another week. Before then though, he does eventually find out what’s been keeping him. 

Petra passes away the day after Erwin finds himself stood up at the restaurant, though he doesn’t find this out until later that evening, and when he does, everything else feels terribly small and unimportant. Finding out secondhand through the news that evening is almost more painful than seeing Petra’s lifeless form on the forest floor a lifetime ago, but even worse is how Erwin imagines Levi must feel. He almost wants to call Levi right away upon hearing the news, but ultimately decides against it, quickly understanding why he hasn't been responding. 

While not much information is shared in the newscast, it seems that a distracted driver caused the accident, veering into oncoming traffic and straight into Petra’s vehicle, causing a closure on the highway for the majority of the night. The other driver was pronounced dead at the scene, but Petra passed away from complications that afternoon, only a few hours ago. And at the news, everything seems to come to a screeching halt. 

In his past life, Erwin was well aware of the fragility of human life. He lost friends and soldiers on nearly every expedition beyond the walls, lost even Levi right before the end. Erwin is used to loss, but this is different. This life is supposed to be  _ easy _ compared to the last. Sure, he knows that death is inevitable, he learned that when his father passed away again in this lifetime, torn away too soon. Erwin knows that this life isn't without pain, if the heartache of losing his father and the pain of searching for Levi for years only to find out that he's married were enough to tell. But this is different. Erwin knows what it's like to lose a lover, he has before, but Levi, the Levi in this lifetime, just lost his spouse. 

It's not hard to decide which is worse. While the loss of someone he cares about deeply hurts - especially knowing that he lost a friend from a past life before he really got to know her in this one - the fact that the man he loves and cares about more than anything in the world just lost his wife is much worse. Erwin can't begin to imagine the pain he's going through. 

So he gives Levi some space. He doesn't call. At least, not for a few days. 

Erwin wants to ring Levi immediately and promise to be there for him, offer to help him out in any way he needs, but if Erwin knows Levi, he knows that he’s probably feeling overwhelmed right now. Everyone grieves differently, and if this Levi is the same Levi he fell in love with before, then he knows that he needs to give him some space. Levi always comes around eventually, though Erwin is sure it may take longer in this lifetime. 

Instead of overwhelming Levi or pushing him away even further, Erwin busies himself that night. He spends the remainder of the day reflecting on his relationship with Petra, trying not to beat himself up over not getting to know her as well as he would have liked in this lifetime, for being selfish and kissing her husband a few weeks ago… Instead, he calls Mike. And Mike, who always makes him feel better - both in this lifetime and their last - talks to Erwin for two whole hours late that evening. They discuss everything, from the kiss that Erwin and Levi shared (which Mike already knows about) to Petra’s passing and Erwin’s longing to reach out to Levi, and even their past lives. Mike solidifies Erwin’s decision to wait on contacting Levi, telling him to give the other man some space for the time being, and he expresses his sympathy.

“She deserved better,” Mike sighs over the line near the end of their conversation, and Erwin nods in response, even though Mike can’t see him.

“It isn’t fair,” he agrees.

And then, after a moment of silence, Mike says, “Levi  _ is _ going to need you, Erwin. It may not be now, but eventually. And you’ll have to put your feelings for him aside… You know that, right?”

At that, Erwin sighs. He has known that for longer than he cares to admit. The truth hits hard now, though. The thing is, Levi doesn’t really  _ know _ anyone else around here, besides Erwin. He doesn’t have many friends. Erwin doesn’t know if he’ll eventually decide to pack his things up and move back to his home state, or if he’ll stay, but he knows that no matter what Levi decides, he’s going to need a friend. “I know,” he admits. 

To Erwin’s surprise, Levi ends up needing him a lot sooner than he thinks.

Late that night, hours after Erwin first hears the news, he finds himself glancing outside just as a car pulls into the driveway two houses down. While it’s hard to see from his angle, Erwin knows that it’s Levi, that he has finally come home. And when two other people get out of the car after him, he assumes that they are Petra’s parents. His heart aches not only for his former lover, but also Petra’s family, forced to lose their daughter all too soon yet again.

For some reason, Erwin can’t help but feel guilty all over again, as if it were his fault once more. He remembers the way that Petra’s father talked to Levi before, remembers the guilt he felt knowing that she was never coming home. It’s history repeating itself. 

The next afternoon, another car pulls into Levi’s driveway as Erwin is making lunch, and, trying as hard as he can not to look too curious, he watches as yet another person he recognizes approaches Levi’s house. His uncle Kenny looks exactly the same as before, only cleaned up a bit, likely due to the circumstances. As he watches Kenny approach the front door, followed by nobody else, Erwin realizes with a sinking feeling that again, that he is the only family that Levi has. If his parents were still in his life, they’d be here, too. 

Erwin longs to reach out to Levi at that realization, but he holds off for another day. The last thing Erwin wants to do is make it about him, so he doesn’t call right away, especially not while Levi is likely already under the stress of having family over, of dealing with everything he has been through in the past few days.

However, two mornings later, after watching Petra’s parents leave in a rental car without Levi, Erwin caves. He’s unsurprised when the call goes directly to voicemail, but he doesn’t let it deter him. The last thing Erwin wants is for Levi to think that he has abandoned him when he needs him the most, even if Levi hasn’t responded to any of his previous messages.

Erwin tries to recite the voicemail that he intends to leave in his head, but this isn’t any normal speech that he’d give to a fellow soldier after they lost someone close to them. This isn’t a time for Erwin to remain cold, heartless and strong. Instead, as soon as the tone sounds, Erwin says what he feels.

_ “Levi, it’s Erwin,” _ he pauses, probably too long to gather his thoughts, before going on,  _ “I don’t know what to say. I heard about Petra and… Words can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I just wanted to call and let you know that if you need anything at all, I’m here. No matter what time of the day it is, no matter what you need, I’m just a few doors down. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if there is anything I can do. I’ll talk to you soon.” _

Erwin hangs up quickly, before he can doubt himself or worry if the voicemail is too much, too forward. Mostly, he just wants Levi to know that he has someone other than Kenny, Petra’s family, or her friends that he barely knows. Whatever happened between them aside, despite their past life, Erwin is Levi’s friend first. He’d do anything for the other man, because a lifetime ago, Levi would have done anything for him. 

He doesn’t expect to hear from Levi right away, and that’s alright. He understands that it’ll take time.

So Erwin is more than surprised when his doorbell rings two days later, and he glances through the peephole to find Levi standing on the other side, head down, hands in his pockets, but definitely there. It has been over two weeks since Erwin has last  _ seen _ Levi, actually spoken to him in person and not via text message, so to say that he is a sight for sore eyes would be an understatement. Erwin also understands the gravity of the situation, what Levi’s presence on his doorstep means, so without hesitation, he quickly opens the door.

And, to his surprise yet again, Erwin is unable to even get a word out before Levi is wordlessly stepping forward, into Erwin’s doorway and wrapping his arms around him in an emotional, desperate hug. 

Immediately, Erwin returns the gesture, allowing Levi to bury his face in his shirt, his own arms coming to rest around Levi’s slender shoulders. And for a moment, things seem to stand still. Levi is quiet, and Erwin lets the moment be, lets Levi grip onto his shirt with unsteady hands. He is unsure of what to say, doesn’t know the right words to use to express his sympathies to Levi, so for now, he doesn’t say anything, just holds Levi in an embrace that he has been yearning for for longer than he’d care to admit.

Then, quietly against the fabric of Erwin’s shirt, his face still pressed into his chest, Levi mutters, “I got your message.”

In response, Erwin pulls Levi impossibly closer, one hand coming up to cradle the back of his head. “I’m so sorry, Levi,” he murmurs. 

The conversation is brief and slightly awkward, yet welcome. Erwin invites Levi inside for a cup of tea, but after a moment of hesitation, he declines, muttering something about needing to get back home to his uncle. And Erwin wants to ask Levi about Kenny, but he holds his tongue. Not only is it not his place, but it isn’t the time. The circles under Levi’s eyes are dark, and it’s evident that he hasn’t been sleeping much. All Erwin wants to do is pull Levi inside and comfort him, but he knows that Levi doesn’t like to be coddled. He has his own ways of coping with loss, and Erwin will not overstep his boundaries, as long as Levi is taking care of himself.

After a few words back and forth, Levi reveals his true reason for coming over. “I’m flying home for the funeral and memorial service,” he explains. As he talks, his eyes wander, never quite meeting Erwin’s. His gaze is unfocused and distant, a look that Erwin has seen on Levi too many times. But before he can read too much into it, Levi is going on. “There are some plants that need watering... and stuff. Is there any way you could watch the house while I’m gone?”

“Yeah,” Erwin answers quickly, “Yes, of course. Anything you need.”

Levi nods, lips set in a firm line. Finally, to Erwin’s surprise, he looks up at him, meeting his eyes. “Thank you,” he says, voice sincere, genuine. Erwin expects that to be the end of that, but then Levi continues with, “I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner, I just-”

“Don’t,” Erwin interrupts before Levi can continue, “Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for, I completely understand.”

Erwin remembers the way that Levi would shut others out whenever he’d lose anyone close on expeditions. Especially after his squad, and even after Kenny died, Erwin had to coax the words out of Levi, but only after giving him plenty of space first. He’s no stranger to Levi’s form of grieving, and it seems that it is the same in this life. 

Levi only nods once, stiffly, before pulling a key out of his pocket and thrusting it towards Erwin. “Right,” he mutters, “Well here’s a key to the place. Call me if you need anything.”

“Will do,” Erwin says, pocketing it. He wants nothing more than to grab Levi’s hand, pull him close, but he stops himself. Levi’s hand recoils, and things are quiet between them again. 

Levi scratches at the back of his neck awkwardly, averting his gaze once more, muttering a soft, “Thanks.”

They don’t exchange another hug, or even any parting words before Levi departs again, and Erwin wants nothing more to run after him, to tell him what a strong, caring and beautiful woman Petra was, but he doesn’t. He can’t, because in this life, he didn’t know Petra as he did in the last. It would all be a lie in this lifetime, something empty to make Levi feel better. He knows that Levi blames himself, in some weird way (because he always does) but again, Erwin can’t tell him not to.

So he says nothing. Levi leaves for the airport the next morning, and Erwin puts off visiting his house until he absolutely has to. 

When Erwin eventually does let himself into Levi’s vacant home, it’s well past sunset, the streets are dark and cold, and he hugs his coat to himself as he walks down the sidewalk, bronze key in hand. As he looks down at it, heavy in his hand, Erwin wonders grimly if this was Petra’s house key, or if they had a spare. As fast as the thought appears, though, it’s gone, Erwin shaking it away.

He checks Levi’s mail to find the mailbox almost completely full, and that troubles Erwin more than anything he thinks he’ll find in the house. Levi has let the mail pile up, hasn’t even bothered to check it, and Erwin’s heart aches for him. He wishes he could be there for him at the funeral, but it wouldn’t be right, to be standing at the side of the man he loves as they bury his wife. 

It’s fucked up, all of this is, yet Erwin can’t help the thoughts that find their way into his head. He can’t help the way he wants to hold Levi, kiss him, promise him that it’ll feel better after time. But this life isn’t like their last one. Losing loved ones, spouses or best friends isn’t a common occurrence. Life is still just as fragile now, but the chances of someone you love being torn away from you at any moment are much smaller, and in a way, that makes the loss harder. Not that it was easy to deal with before, but when it was something you dealt with nearly every day, it was easy to become numb.

So it’s with a deep breath that Erwin lets himself inside Levi’s house, flipping on a couple of lights as he walks inside. The kitchen and living room are immaculate, despite Levi entertaining guests for the better part of a week, and Erwin knows it’s because Levi has been cleaning, probably obsessively. Again, he finds himself wishing he could make it better, but right now, there’s nothing Erwin can do. Instead, he does what he’s there to do, and waters Levi’s plants, brings in the mail, makes sure the house doesn’t burn down. In the midst of it all, Erwin snoops a little, though. Well, he’s not necessarily  _ snooping, _ but he finds himself gazing at the photographs that dot the entertainment center in the living room, framed photos of Levi and Petra on what looks like their high school graduation, Petra with her parents in front of a lake, Levi and Kenny both looking rather grumpy in front of the same backdrop, Levi and Petra smiling together on what looks like their wedding day… Petra is wearing a simple, slimming white dress, Levi clad in a black button down and white tie. They look  _ happy _ , and Erwin can practically feel his pain. 

For the first time since meeting Levi in this life, Erwin sees him and Petra together and instead of feeling angry or jealous or guilty, he only feels sad. Sad, because he couldn’t give Levi what he promised in their past life, sad that Levi found happiness elsewhere only for it to be ripped away from him too soon, and sad that there’s nothing he can do about it.

Time goes by slowly, but after the better part of a week, Levi finally returns home. Erwin leaves his house key on the kitchen counter for him that morning, and doesn’t go out of his way to go over and see him. If Erwin knows anything, he knows that Levi needs his space. If he knows anything, it’s that the last thing he wants to do right now is bombard him or be selfish in any way. Levi needs him, but he also needs his space. As much as Erwin wants to comfort Levi, he doesn’t go to him.

Erwin wanted Levi, but not like this. Never like this.

In fact, sitting at home alone that evening, Erwin feels guilty once more for everything that happened between them, for entertaining certain thoughts about Levi, even though he knew that he was married. Though at the time, Erwin never knew that Levi was going to lose Petra, it still wasn’t right. He wasn’t meant to be with Levi in this lifetime, and that should have been enough for him, to know that Levi was happy, but it wasn’t. 

Even now, Erwin feels guilty, because he finds himself wondering what will happen now, now that Levi is alone. Will he move back home, with Kenny and any other remaining members of his family, or will he stay here in Portland and try to continue the life that he and Petra started? Selfishly, Erwin hopes for the latter. Selfishly, Erwin isn’t sure if he’d be able to handle it if Levi left so soon. And even more selfishly, Erwin wonders if they’ll ever talk about what happened between them, not even a month ago, even though it feels as if it has been ages. Levi had initially been the one to suggest discussing things, but that was before he lost Petra, before everything changed. Would it be best to just forget and move on?

It’s because of these conflicting thoughts, because Erwin wants Levi - he always will - but absolutely refuses to take advantage of his grieving or overstep his boundaries, that he and Levi seem to actually grow apart in the following days and weeks. Levi calls Erwin two days after returning home to thank him for watching his place and, in a moment of weakness, Erwin invites Levi out for lunch the next afternoon. Levi surprisingly says yes, and after the fact, Erwin rationalizes that he only asked because he knew Levi needed to get out, but he knows that he has alternative motives. He always will with Levi, even if it’s not intentional.

So, the next morning, against his better judgement, he calls Levi and cancels. He tells himself that he doesn’t hear disappointment in Levi’s voice when he tells him that it’s alright, that they’ll reschedule some other time. 

The thing is, Erwin doesn’t trust himself, not around Levi. He doesn’t trust that he won’t do something stupid or reckless, because he’s weak when it comes to the other man, because they still haven’t talked about the kiss, and, even if Levi doesn’t notice it, Erwin feels the tension every single time he looks at or talks to Levi. He wants to talk about things, wants to promise Levi that he’s his friend first, and nothing more, but it’s a lie. He wants to kiss Levi and comfort him, but he doesn’t want to force himself into a grieving man’s life.

So instead, Erwin continues to cancel plans and bail on Levi, unintentionally pushing him away. Or well, as far away as Levi will allow himself to be pushed. 

One evening in particular, Erwin’s phone startles him, ringing in the other room, and startles him yet again when it’s Levi’s name on his caller ID.

And then, it’s Levi who startles Erwin.

“I need to get out of the house,” he says after only a few moments on the phone, “Are you free to get lunch tomorrow?”

It’s blunt and straight to the point, the Levi that he knows and loves. But Erwin stops himself from getting too excited. “I should be, actually,” he says, almost as if he’ll have to check his schedule, even though he knows very well that he has absolutely no plans on a Sunday afternoon. 

“Is that a yes?” Levi asks shortly, “Because if you’re just going to bail again, you should tell me now, so I can just plan to go alone.”

_ Fuck _ . Erwin didn’t expect that, but he should have. He forgets that Levi is just as good at reading people as him, that Levi has a very low tolerance for bullshit. 

So, before Levi can doubt him, Erwin answers his question. “That’s a yes,” he says confidently, “You name the place and I’ll be there.”

And this time, Erwin doesn’t go back on his word. Levi suggests a diner that they’ve visited once or twice together, and Erwin even shows up a few minutes early, grabbing them a table before Levi even pulls up. And to his surprise, Erwin doesn’t end up regretting his decision to take Levi up on his offer. 

When he sits down across from him, Levi looks better, much better than he had nearly a month ago, when he showed up on Erwin’s doorstep and hugged him without a word. A lot has changed since then, Erwin is sure, but he wouldn’t know, because he has spent less time with Levi in the last month than he ever has in this lifetime. And immediately, Erwin feels guilty yet again, for a new reason, because he wasn’t there for Levi. He hasn’t  _ been there _ for Levi.

And that’s how an hour lunch turns into two and a half hours sitting in the diner and talking before Levi asks Erwin if he has any other plans for the afternoon. Unable to lie straight to Levi’s face, and feeling guilty for having bailed on him before, Erwin tells him that no, he doesn’t, and that’s how they end up catching a movie that afternoon, something that Erwin didn’t even know was playing, but he says yes to because Levi suggests it. Most would consider it a date, and even Erwin is surprised because they’ve never been to the movies together, but that’s not what this is. 

However, as soon as they take their seats in the nearly empty theatre, Erwin can’t help but feel a bit awkward. They share popcorn, which sits in Levi’s lap, but Erwin never reaches over to grab a handful unless it is offered to him, constantly worried that he’ll cross some invisible line. He doesn’t even use the armrest the separates himself and Levi for fear of becoming too close, and Erwin tries to tell himself that Levi doesn’t sense the tension or awkwardness, but he has to, and for the majority of the film, the two men sit in silence.

Thankfully, after the movie, things seem to ease up a little bit. As Erwin and Levi walk back to their vehicles - they really should have just driven together, in retrospect - the conversation is light, easy. It feels like they never stopped doing this, never stopped hanging out and being  _ friends _ , but Erwin still feels that uncertainty, especially when they part at the end of the evening. As they say goodbye to one another, Levi surprises Erwin by stepping forward, wrapping his arms around him in a hug, and Erwin does nothing but stand there, eyes wide, arms at his side. It’s not that he doesn’t  _ want  _ to return the gesture, it’s just…

_Fuck_. He doesn’t know.

When Levi eventually pulls away, the confusion and concern is etched all over his face. Awkwardly, he reaches up and pushes his hair out of his eyes. “Thanks for hanging out,” he mutters, “I had fun.”

Erwin nods, clearing his throat. “I did too,” he offers, but the tension between them has returned once more. Levi shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. 

“Alright,” he says, glancing toward his car, “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.”

And although he doesn’t say it or show it, Erwin sincerely hopes its true.

* * *

 

The weeks and months following Petra’s passing are far from easy for Levi. For the first few days and weeks, it’s all just about managing to survive, to make it through another day. Levi doesn’t sleep and barely eats, only choking down food when Kenny notices after only a day of staying with him and forces him to eat something. Those first few weeks are the worst, as Levi struggles to keep moving forward, to survive, but he does it for Petra and for her family. 

Her parents, her  _ poor _ parents are almost worse off than Levi when they receive the news. Her mother breaks down upon arriving at the hospital, and though her father tries to remain strong, Levi can see the pain etched all over his face as he holds her. It isn’t easy, but Levi tries to stay strong for them, because they need _ someone _ after losing their only daughter, without even being able to say goodbye.

Levi frequently thinks about the last time he saw and spoke with Petra. He remembers her teasing tone, how she had been so lighthearted and happy, even in a hospital bed. He remembers his last words to her -  _ I’ll be right back -  _ only not to return fast enough. He didn’t really have a chance to say goodbye either, but he had it better than them, so Levi holds it together for them. He loses sleep and loses weight, but it’s worth it, in the end. Petra’s parents are the only thing he has left of her, and he’ll be damned if he lets that go.

During those first few days, Levi contemplates moving back home to be with people he knows, to be around Petra’s family to help them out, but - both thanks to some surprisingly encouraging words from Kenny and his own better judgement - Levi makes the decision to stay in Portland.

_ “You can’t give up that easily, kiddo,” _ Kenny had told him, and as much as Levi normally despises his talks, this one wasn’t terrible.  _ “The two of you moved out there to make a life for yourselves. She’d be fucking pissed if you just threw that all away.” _

It’s not very eloquent, but neither is Levi, and he takes his Uncle’s words to heart. 

After returning home from the funeral, Levi makes a promise to himself - and to Petra - in the dimming light of their kitchen. 

_ “I’m not gonna fuck this up,” _ he mutters to himself,  _ “I’ll be happy. I promise.” _

After all, that was all Petra wanted for him.

So Levi works on trying to get better. It’s hard, though. Going to sleep and waking up in the empty bed that they used to share is too difficult, so Levi takes to sleeping on the sofa. Eating breakfast is hard, as it was something they would do together, so instead, he grabs coffee and a bagel on his way to work in the morning, rather than sitting down to eat. Levi picks himself up and tries to continue on with his life, but not because he wants to move on or forget about Petra. Simply because it’s what he knows she’d want him to do.

Routine is good, and so is a bit of normalcy and consistency, which is why Levi finds himself reaching out to Erwin, asking if he’d like to grab lunch, dinner, a drink, anything really. And sometimes, it works out. It’s a bit awkward at first, as Levi can tell that Erwin doesn’t want to do or say anything wrong or insensitive, but the company is nice. The familiarity of Erwin is comforting, something that Levi wants to latch onto.

The problem is in the consistency. The first time Erwin cancels plans, Levi thinks nothing of it. Things come up, and he understands. But then, it becomes a pattern of cancellations, refusals and excuses. Levi can tell when Erwin is lying, and honestly, it’s a bit infuriating. He understands that he may not be the happiest person to be around, but for fuck’s sake, they’re supposed to be friends.

_ Friends. _ Though Levi is sure that Erwin’s behavior has something to do with what happened between them nearly two months ago now, before his entire world was turned upside down. It’s something that Levi honestly hasn’t given much thought to after Petra’s passing, but when Erwin becomes awkward at the movies, and especially when he freezes at Levi’s display of affection - a simple hug - Levi knows that Erwin is hung up on it, afraid to say anything, likely because everything happening in Levi’s life right now. And Levi appreciates it, he really does, but he isn’t fragile. Erwin knows this. Or he should, since he is Levi’s  _ friend.  _ They should be able to talk about what happened and put it behind them. Or in front of them… Whatever they decide.

But Levi  _ will not _ be the one to bring it up. If Erwin is so hung up on it, he can say something, right? He’s a big boy. 

But weeks pass, and Erwin says nothing. Even after a great lunch and amazing day together - the first day in a long time that Levi has felt like himself again - Erwin continues to bail, to flake on Levi at the last minute and skirt around things that Levi deems unimportant. Levi can tell that Erwin cares, that much is certain - he always answers his calls and texts and is always attentive and present whenever they do spend time together - but he keeps backing away just when things begin to feel normal again. 

And honestly, it’s fucking killing Levi. So, after nearly a month of it, Levi stops speaking to Erwin.

It’s not that he decides that he doesn’t want Erwin in his life anymore, but it’s more so stubbornness that causes Levi do stop calling and texting the other man. He feels that he’s putting all of the effort into their friendship and, just when things start to feel good, Erwin pulls away, apparently scared of getting to close or scared of pushing Levi away. Either way, he’s doing a pretty damn good job at the latter.

Erwin bails on Levi last minute one evening, as Levi is already sitting inside of their regular restaurant - the first place that Erwin took him to - and that’s the final straw. Levi responds to Erwin’s apologetic text with a simple,  _ “Okay,” _ and in that moment decides that if Erwin wants to be in his life, he’s going to have to try a little harder than that. Levi may have just lost the most important person in his life, and he may feel a little vulnerable right now, but he certainly isn’t  _ weak _ , as Erwin apparently seems to think.

A few days later, Erwin texts Levi to ask if he wants to grab dinner, and Levi doesn’t respond. And honestly? It feels good. It might be a stupid fucking game, and it may not be the “normalcy” that Levi needs right now, but he can’t help it. He’s stubborn and proud and wants to give Erwin a taste of his own medicine.

That backfires, however, when Levi falls asleep that night, to dreams plagued by Erwin.

* * *

 

_ “What the fuck was that back there?”  _

_ Levi’s voice is loud in his own ears, echoing off of the stone walls of the office. The room is rather barren, not at all homey looking, but it’s where he finds Erwin, hunched over a desk, writing something apparently important. Or at least, it’s important enough that he doesn’t look up, not even at Levi’s outburst. And at that, Levi’s blood boils.  _

_ He storms across the room, boots clicking against stone with purpose until he’s right in front of Erwin’s desk, and then, when he still doesn’t get a response, he slams his hand down on the wood. “Hey!” he yells, “Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you.” _

_ And finally, that seems to get Erwin’s attention. He ceases his writing, setting his pen down, and gazes up at Levi from his seat, blue eyes meeting steel ones. “That is no way to speak to your commanding officer,” he says, tone stern and steady, as if Levi weren’t screaming at him. _

_ “Oh, drop the fucking act,” Levi bites, rolling his eyes. He does, however, feel his heartbeat quicken at Erwin’s gaze and stern words. There’s no venom to them, and Levi knows he isn’t actually in trouble, but it’s the look that Erwin gives him that makes his collar feel tight, that makes him feel hot. (That, or maybe it could be the way that the first two buttons of Erwin’s shirt are undone, bolo tie hanging loose around his neck. Maybe it’s the way his sleeves are rolled up, his hair a little messy after a long day of work and meetings.) _

_ But Levi swallows, continuing when Erwin simply looks at him expectantly. “Why did you take me off of your squad for the next expedition?”  _

_ “I told you,” Erwin replies immediately, “You are to lead your own squad on this mission. Your skills are better suited leading others, rather than following someone else.”  _

_ “I’m not a squad leader,” Levi argues. _

_ “Not yet,” Erwin counters quickly, “But if this mission goes well, I would like you to consider it. You’re a strong leader. The cadets look up to you.” _

_ Levi wants to bite his tongue, to just take Erwin’s orders and deal with it, but he can’t. “And what about you?” he asks. _

_ “What about me?” Erwin echoes. _

_ “Who’s supposed to look out for your sorry ass?” _

_ Erwin actually chuckles at Levi’s words, but quickly wipes the smile off of his face at the glare it earns. “I’m perfectly capable of looking out for myself, Levi,” he assures. _

_ “My ass,” Levi mutters, “You’re reckless out there. You’d be dead if it weren’t for us looking out for you. You almost got your arm bitten off on that last expedition.” _

_ “But I didn’t,” Erwin assures. _

_ “Because of me!” Levi yells, pounding his fist on the desk once more. _

_ It isn’t until that very moment that something seems to click for Erwin. He studies Levi’s face for a moment, eyes narrowed, before allowing a small smile to grace his features. “Are you worried about me?” he asks. _

_ Levi feels heat flaring up in his cheeks at the question, and instead of answering, averts his gaze. “Fuck off,” he mutters softly, but there is no venom in his tone. It’s not playful, but it’s definitely comfortable, and when Levi feels a hand covering his own, he doesn’t jerk it away. _

_ “Levi,” Erwin says, voice suddenly very stern, “Come here.” _

_ And who would Levi be not to obey? He rounds the desk almost immediately, and only hesitates for a moment before allowing Erwin to practically pull him into his lap. Levi spreads his legs, accommodating Erwin’s body, and finds himself suddenly pinned between his seated commander and the desk. Erwin’s knees knock into his own, and one of his hands finds its place at Levi’s hip while the other reaches up, fingers grazing his chin. _

_ “Look at me,” Erwin coaxes, and it takes Levi a moment, but he eventually does, dark hair falling into his face as he gazes down at Erwin. His eyes are soft now, not the cold, calculating commander that most people know, and he offers Levi a small smile in return. “I will be alright,” he assures, “You don’t have to worry about me.” _

_ Levi scoffs in return, averting his eyes for a moment before turning back to Erwin. “I only worry because you forget to take care of yourself.” _

_ Erwin’s smile simply widens, and when he speaks his voice is low, taking on a new tone entirely. “And I’m thankful to have you to take care of me,” he murmurs. _

_ Levi raises his eyebrows, but doesn’t shy away when the hand on his hip pulls him closer, when fingers dance across his chin and bottom lip. “Really?” Levi only asks incredulously, “Right here?” _

_ Erwin shrugs, but the smile he offers Levi is playful, challenging. “I could use a distraction.” _

_ Levi would like to scoff, to give Erwin shit for being so desperate, for making advances in his office, with the door unlocked, where anyone could walk in, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t like the idea, too. So instead, he kisses Erwin’s fingers before hopping up and taking a seat on the edge of his desk.  _

_ “What do you have in mind?” He asks, innocently enough, even with the smirk pulling at his lips.  _

_ When Erwin stands, Levi spreads his legs, always accommodating. The first kiss is met with eager lips, calloused fingers running through his hair, and playful little nips at his bottom lip. They only part for reassurance, and after a quick glance, Erwin is bowing down again, capturing Levi’s lips with his own once more.  _

_ The second kiss is much more passionate, more solid. Erwin’s form feels heavy and sturdy against Levi’s, and when he sucks Levi’s lips into his mouth Levi simply leans into the touch, giving Erwin the lead. After all, he’s here to take care of him.  _

_ That, and he doesn’t mind being manhandled every once in awhile, if that’s what Erwin needs. So when Erwin’s fingers tighten in his hair, yanking his head back suddenly, all Levi can do is gasp, hands reaching out for purchase on Erwin’s body. He expects Erwin’s lips before they even find his neck, but that doesn’t stop the shuddering breath that leaves his mouth at the contact, though, his back bent, head tipped back. It’s a routine Levi knows well, but one he’ll never tire of. _

_ By the time Erwin palms the front of his pants, he’s already half-hard, and he feels Erwin lips curl up into a smile against his skin. They’ve never done it like this, on Erwin’s desk where anyone could walk in, but when Erwin begins unbuttoning his pants, Levi doesn’t even think to protest. And when Erwin eventually pulls him off of the desk, Levi turns around without being instructed, allowing Erwin to pull him close for a moment, their bodies molding together. He can feel Erwin’s clothed erection pressing into the small of his back and smiles to himself, even as he’s pushed face down into the desk. _

_ “Anyone could walk in,” Levi says, against his better judgement. Either Erwin will walk over and lock the door, or he’ll respond in just the way that Levi wants him to. _

_ When his pants are unceremoniously yanked down, just enough to expose his ass, he gets his answer.  _

_ “Let them,” Erwin murmurs in return, lips suddenly brushing against the back of his neck, body pressing him hard into the desk. “Let them see just how you take care of me.” _

_ “Fuck,” Levi mutters in return, even as he grinds back against Erwin.  _

_ Despite his roughness, Erwin is still gentle when he slides a hand down Levi’s body, fingers soft against his back, his ass, his thighs. He still takes his time, as rushed as they are, pulling Levi apart, preparing him and peppering kisses along his neck and back. Even though they’re both still mostly clothed and rutting desperately against a desk, Erwin is gentle as he fingers Levi open, leaving him a moaning, drooling mess on his desk. _

_ “I love you like this,” Erwin murmurs as he presses himself just barely against Levi’s entrance. It’s teasing, the touch, and Levi rocks back impatiently against it. Even as he teases Levi, though, his words are soft. “You’re beautiful, Levi.” _

_ Levi sees stars when Erwin presses inside. _

* * *

 

A million thoughts race through Levi’s head as he jolts awake in the early hours of the morning, long before light starts filtering in through his curtains. The first thing he thinks of is the image burned into his eyelids, the memories of his dream still very real in his mind, and in reality, the rest of his thoughts are a result of this dream. He blinks his eyes open, but in the darkness of his bedroom, all he sees are the remnants of his dream - Erwin’s blue eyes, his full lips, his unbuttoned shirt and the way the afternoon light hit his hair. All he can hear, all he can feel is Erwin, all around him. He wants to be disgusted at the his state, waking up sweaty and hard in a sea of blankets, but in the fog of sleep, eyes still half-closed, he can’t bring himself to care.

When Levi reaches into his pajama pants and wraps a hand around his erection, he doesn’t think about the fact that this is the bed he used to share with his  _ wife _ , that he fell asleep in here by accident last night instead of on the sofa like he has been lately. Instead, all he can think about is Erwin, the weight of his body against his own, the heat of his voice in his ear. 

_ Let them see how you take care of me. _

Levi wipes a thumb across his slit to find that he’s already leaking precome, hard and aching, and buries his face in the pillow, letting out a (what he’ll later deem as pathetic) moan into his sheets. He feels pent up and desperate, another residual feeling from his dream, and finds himself fucking into his fist in no time, hot and sweaty under the covers but unable to bring himself to care. 

The dream lingers in Levi’s mind, and he can’t think of anything else as he gets himself off. His mind is filled with memories of Erwin, of the way he kissed roughly, the way he pulled his hair and bit his neck. He moans again at the memory, another hand snaking down his body as he pumps his own cock as Erwin had done in his dream. Tentatively, he reaches down, between his legs, and presses a finger against his hole. Unslicked, he meets quite a bit of resistance, but it only spurs him onward as he imagines Erwin’s fingers pressing into his skin, opening him up and pulling gutteral moans from his throat. Levi remembers the way he panted, drooling against the desk as Erwin opened him up, and before he can think about it, he’s wetting his own fingers with his mouth before pressing one at his entrance again until it slips just barely inside. And, like in his dream, Levi lets out a choked off moan at the sensation. Only this time, it also drives him over the edge almost immediately, and before long, Levi is coming all over his hand and stomach (and even some of the blankets) back arching with the force of his orgasm. 

Levi buries his face in his pillow once more as he comes down from his high, breath hot and heavy against the blankets. For a moment, everything stills, and then, just like that, reality comes crashing down around him. In no time at all, the post-orgasmic haze dissipates, replaced by the grogginess of sleep and the gross stickiness of sweat and come. And then comes the embarrassment and guilt. 

As Levi sleepily throws the blankets off - mentally reminding himself to wash them later - he is cruelly reminded where he is, what has happened, and more importantly, why he’s waking up alone in a king sized bed, sweaty, covered in his own come, and weighed down with regret. This was his bed that he shared with _ Petra _ , yet here he is, coming down from the high of jerking off to the thought of Erwin fucking him against a desk. To his dream of Erwin fucking him against a desk. Or was it a memory? 

It all seems to blur together, right now. 


	11. Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Cause everything feels good when you come around_  
>  _Feels just like it should when you come around_  
>  _I feel better, I feel better now_  
>  \- [Good](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhy5xJtjeTM) \- LAYNE
> 
> I was initially going to wait to post this chapter, but I really missed updating when I couldn't for a couple of weeks, and I didn't want to wait and then end up busy and making you guys wait even longer. So surprise!
> 
> There is also finally an end date in sight for this fic, as you may now notice. I'm still finishing up the final chapters, so updating might be a little bit slower than usual as it nears the end, but I'm super excited to get it done! I hope you enjoy this one <3

The last thing that Erwin wants to do is pressure Levi into anything, be it a friendship or a relationship, especially so soon after losing Petra, so he tries to give him his space. It kills Erwin to cancel on Levi, to tell him that he’s busy when he really isn’t, but he convinces himself that it’s for the best. Levi needs his space, and if he wants something else, he’ll tell Erwin. So Erwin forces that space, and unintentionally, he forces Levi away, as well.

He doesn’t fully realize it until Levi stops answering his phone calls and stops replying to his messages, and by the time he does, Erwin wants to smack himself. He thinks of all of the times he has bailed on Levi in the weeks and months following Petra’s passing, and to Erwin, it’s him giving Levi his space. To Levi, though, it probably looks like Erwin doesn’t care, like Erwin doesn’t want to be his friend.

Erwin hates himself for doing this, but he tells himself that it’s for the best. Just because they were together in a previous life does not give him the right to force a relationship or a friendship on Levi. But then, Levi starts ignoring him, stops reaching out, and Erwin regrets it all. He wants to reach out to Levi, to apologize and take full responsibility for being an idiot, but he doesn’t. He can’t. At least, not until it’s been over a week since the last time they spoke. And actually, it’s Mike who finally convinces him to reach out to Levi.

_ “You’re an idiot, Erwin,”  _ Mike says, as gently as he can over the phone with Erwin one evening,  _ “You realize that you’re pushing him away, right? In not wanting to do so, that’s exactly what you’ve accomplished.” _

So, one evening, nearly two weeks since the last time they spoke, Erwin begins typing out a text message to Levi:

_ Hey, _ it reads _ I apologize for not being very present recently and cancelling on you too many times- _

No, that sounds stupid. Erwin deletes the message and starts over.

_ I’m sorry I haven’t been the best friend lately, I just didn’t want to make you feel pressured to see anyone and- _

This time, before Erwin can finish typing out a message or before he can delete it again and start over, his phone starts ringing in his hand, none other than Levi’s name illuminating his screen.

_ Shit. _

Erwin takes a deep breath, then another, and then answers, because he doesn’t want to ignore Levi, not now. Maybe an apology will find him better over the phone, anyway. 

“Hello?”

It’s quiet on the other end for a moment before Levi finally speaks. “Hey,” he says, “Are you free?”

Immediately, Erwin can sense the distress in Levi’s voice. He sounds like he needs something, and Erwin would be a terrible friend to deny him now. “Yes,” he answers, “Are you alright?”

“Can I come over?” Levi asks immediately, “I need to talk to you.”

_ Oh. _

Normally, Levi doesn’t  _ ask _ if he can come over. He only lives a couple of houses down - whenever he wants to, he just shows up at Erwin’s door. It’s something that Erwin has grown accustomed to. But this is different.

“Of course,” Erwin repeats, “I’m home, come over whenever you like.”

“Great,” Levi says, voice flat, “I’ll be there soon.”

_ Soon _ ends up being about half an hour, which gives Erwin enough time to tidy up the place and make a cup of tea, and by the time there’s a knock on his door, Erwin has given himself about three pep talks. He owes Levi an apology, and he plans on doing so right away. Whatever Levi wants to talk to him about, maybe he’ll feel better about it after Erwin takes responsibility for being a bad friend. 

To Erwin’s surprise, Levi doesn’t look quite as distraught as he expected from hearing him on the phone. He nearly expected him to be clad in sweats and a t-shirt, looking stressed out or upset on his doorstep. Instead, Levi wears a henley underneath a black jacket with dark jeans. His hair is pushed back on his head, different than Erwin has seen him wear it - save for those times they had to attend a formal occasion in their past life - and Erwin wonders if he is trying something new. 

Something has changed, he just can’t place his finger on it.

“Come in,” Erwin says immediately after taking in the sight, stepping aside to let Levi inside. He shuts the door behind him before ushering him to the kitchen. “Tea?”

“Sure, thanks,” Levi says in response, and  _ then _ Erwin hears it - the uncertainty and stress that he’d heard in Levi’s voice over the phone. Though he looks well put together, something is obviously bothering him, enough that he wanted to talk to Erwin about it in person, and Erwin can see it in his eyes.

Levi stands at the kitchen island, and shortly after, Erwin presents him with a cup of tea and joins him. He wants to know what’s bothering Levi, but he also wants to clear the air, because  _ maybe _ , whatever Levi wants to talk about will be easier once Erwin apologizes.

So, with a deep breath, before Levi can say anything, he goes for it. 

“Before we talk, I owe you an apology,” he says, cutting right to the chase, “I haven’t been the greatest friend over the past few weeks, and you didn’t deserve that. I promise that I’m here for you, Levi. I just didn’t want to smother you at all.”

Surprisingly, Levi offers Erwin a small, yet tense smile. “Apology accepted,” he says, then takes a quick sip of his tea. “Thank you for saying something.”

“I’m sorry if I upset you,” Erwin continues, “I didn’t intend to.”

“Yeah, I was fucking pissed,” Levi says with a chuckle, “But it’s fine. We’re fine.”

And with those two words -  _ we’re fine  _ \- Erwin lets out a deep breath. He already feels better.

“So,” he says, turning slightly to give Levi his full attention, “What did you want to talk about?”

“Surprisingly, not you being an asshole,” he says, and when Erwin just gapes for a moment, he offers him a small, teasing smirk. However, as fast as the smile is there, it’s gone, and Erwin suddenly realizes that, whatever Levi wants to talk about, it’s important. 

Levi takes a deep breath at that, looking down at his hands, and finally, after a long silence, he speaks. “I’ve been having these…  _ dreams _ ,” he says, voice uncertain. He doesn’t look at Erwin when he speaks, and even shakes his head, as if he’s disappointed or confused. 

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” he continues, “I don’t know who else to talk to, and I feel like if I just go to a doctor, they’re gonna give me some bullshit about grieving, and that’s  _ not _ what this is. I know grieving and… It’s not this. It’s just…” Levi sighs again, cutting his own words short. The fact of the matter is, the dreams are exactly like the ones that Petra had been experiencing for years, and that terrifies him.

At Levi’s uncertainty, Erwin reaches forward, placing a gentle hand on his arm. He means for it to come off as supportive and caring, and he hopes that Levi sees it that way, even so soon after their reunion. “It’s alright,” he assures, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No,” Levi says quickly, shaking his head, “I want to, sorry. I’m just… still trying to put it all together.”

“Take your time,” Erwin says encouragingly. 

So, Levi decides to start at the beginning.

“When Petra was in the hospital,” he starts, “I dreamt of her death. It wasn’t like… A premonition or anything like that. She wasn’t in the hospital in my dream. We were in some forest. It was… Weird, unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.”

Erwin wants to gasp at Levi’s words, but he schools himself, holding it back. All he can think of is Petra’s death in their past life, how she perished in the woods, killed by Annie. Was that what Levi saw? Did he understand what was happening? Did he know that they were memories? Judging from his demeanor now, it’s likely that he doesn’t, that he's simply scared and confused, but Erwin waits eagerly for him to continue. 

Levi shakes his head again, gaze fixed on his hands still. “It was just so vivid. Even after I woke up, I could still see it - flying through the air, Petra’s body…” he trails off, visibly upset by the memory.

“It’s okay,” Erwin soothes, “It was just a dream.”

And to Erwin’s surprise, Levi shakes his head. “That’s just it,” he says, “That’s what I thought. But then, I told Petra that I had a strange dream, and she  _ knew _ . Erwin, she  _ knew _ what I was talking about.”

Erwin’s eyes widen at that, but he says nothing. What is he supposed to say? That Levi’s wife remembered dying in a past life? That of all memories that he could have carried into this life, it was of his wife dying? That he had to watch it happen twice?

Thankfully, he doesn’t have to say anything, because Levi is continuing. “And even now… Every night I’ve been having these vivid dreams, about Petra… About  _ you _ .”

And  _ fuck _ if Erwin doesn’t want to rejoice at those words, but he can’t. Instead, he says what any other sane person would say. 

“Grief does strange things to people,” he offers, “Maybe you’re imagining it-”

“ _ No _ ,” Levi bites, tone suddenly sharp, “Don’t you give me that bullshit. I came to you because I  _ didn’t  _ want to hear that from a fucking doctor.”

At Levi’s sudden outburst, Erwin knows that there’s something else. That he has remembered - or dreamt - something that he hasn’t told him. So he asks - 

“What else happened, Levi?”

And to his surprise, Levi answers. “When she was in the hospital, after we talked about my dream,” Levi says, referencing Petra, “She told me that that you’re a good guy… That you’d -  _ you’d take care of me _ .”

Erwin’s eyes widen, and when Levi glances up, he catches the look on his face before he can school his features. But he can’t help it, because he suddenly wonders how much Petra remembers. Did she remember their past life, or just bits and pieces of it? Did it just come back before she passed away, or did she know all along? Did she know about the kiss they shared only a few months ago or-

“You know something that I don’t,” Levi says before Erwin has a chance to say anything, to explain his reaction to Levi’s words, and before he even has a chance to process all of this new information. “She did too. What is it?”

“I-” Erwin starts with a sigh, but he can’t get the words out. What is he supposed to say to Levi? If he even attempts to tell him about their past life, he runs the risk of Levi thinking he’s crazy, of Levi thinking that he’s disrespecting Petra and her memory. But what if he tells him and he remembers? It’s obviously coming back to him, even if it’s in the form of dreams…

When Erwin doesn’t answer, Levi pushes harder, asking another question that Erwin doesn’t quite expect. “Do you have feelings for me?”

Immediately, Erwin tries to back off. He pulls his hand from Levi’s arm. “What-”

“Answer the question,” Levi demands, voice suddenly stern, sturdy. 

Erwin sputters. “It’s not that easy to-”

“I kissed you,” Levi says, “And you kissed me back.”

And  _ fuck _ . Erwin didn’t expect Levi to bring  _ that _ up, either. He just assumed that they put it behind them, given the circumstances. He didn’t want to make Levi talk about it if he didn’t want to and-

“I wasn’t - I didn’t want to force you into anything after-”

“If I were to kiss you right now,” Levi says carefully, ignoring Erwin’s words in favor of leaning forward to look at him, gaze steady, “Would you stop me?”

Instead of answering, Erwin suddenly wants to ask Levi what he dreamt of, when he dreamt of him. Because suddenly, there’s a low look in Levi’s eyes, a look he knows very well, but not from this lifetime. He wonders what Levi remembers, wants to ask, but doesn’t because Levi doesn’t quite know that they’re memories yet, and-

“Levi-”

And apparently, that’s enough for Levi, because before Erwin can say anything else, Levi is reaching out, fisting his hand in his shirt, and kissing him, hard and sloppy and sudden. Erwin should have seen it coming from the low look in Levi’s eyes and the drop in his voice, but for a brief moment, he thought he was imagining things, because that was the Levi from a previous life. This Levi, the one kissing him now, doesn’t see him like that. He was married, he had a wife, is still grieving her…

But when Levi kisses him, Erwin will be damned if he doesn’t kiss back.

It’s different now, sober and of relatively clear mind. He certainly didn’t expect this when Levi knocked on his door, but he also isn’t going to push him away, not now. Erwin is weak, and he has wanted this for longer than he cares to admit, so he kisses Levi back, one hand finding it’s way to Levi’s hip, the other cradling the back of his head. 

When Levi eventually pulls away, it’s only to press their foreheads together, panting hot against Erwin’s lips. 

“I dreamt of you,” he murmurs, “Like this.”

And  _ fuck _ . If the tone of Levi’s voice wasn’t enough, the words go straight to Erwin’s chest. He opens and closes his mouth, unsure of what to say, but thankfully, Levi fills the silence for him.

“I wanted this,” he says, “Before, too. Did you-”

“Yeah,” Erwin admits, even if he feels guilty doing so, “Yes, I do.”

And then, they’re kissing again. This time, it isn’t as desperate, but it’s still just as passionate. Levi is slow this time around, lips carefully learning Erwin’s for what Erwin realizes is the first time. And for Erwin, it’s like coming home. He presses into the kiss, holding tighter onto Levi, and when he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, he relishes the gasp that leaves Levi’s throat. 

They’re still standing in the kitchen, but when Levi takes charge, pressing Erwin up against the island, Erwin can’t bring himself to care. And when Levi eventually starts unbuttoning his shirt, Erwin allows his swift fingers to do so, putting thoughts of uncertainty behind him. Right now, this is  _ his _ Levi, and he can’t say no, doesn’t want to. Levi pushes Erwin's shirt off of his shoulders, and Erwin lets him, only parting for a moment to gaze down at Levi before kissing him once more, heated and needy. 

It isn’t until Levi pulls away again to pull his own shirt over his head that Erwin realizes the gravity of their situation. He wants to admire Levi’s body, wants to reach out and touch him, but he stops himself, sobering up a bit.

“Levi,” he says reluctantly, “You don't - we shouldn’t-”

“Shut up,  _ shut up _ ,” Levi hisses, stepping forward into his space once more, hands finding his hips. “Don’t tell me what I want.  _ I want this. _ ”

_ Fuck _ .

As much as Erwin wants to argue it -  _ it’s too soon, I don’t want to hurt you, we don’t have to do this  _ \- he can’t change Levi’s mind for him, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t want it, too. Erwin has been repressing these feelings for months now, and with Levi in front of him, pliant, willing, practically  _ telling _ Erwin to sleep with him… Erwin can’t say no, nor does he want to.

So, without a word, he’s dipping down, pressing a kiss to Levi’s lips.

“Then come on,” he murmurs. And without another word, he’s leading Levi toward his bedroom. 

During the trek down the hallway, Erwin realizes that in all of their months as friends, Levi has never even been inside of his bedroom. Hell, he has only really seen his living room, kitchen and his bathroom, once or twice. They’ve never had a reason to venture to Erwin’s bedroom, but now, as he leads Levi down the hall, he can’t wait to get him inside. 

Once in his room, Levi lets Erwin take the lead, and it’s only then that his nerves and inexperience begin to show. But even when Erwin does pause, ready to make sure that this is still what Levi wants, the smaller man is quick to pull him down for another searing kiss. 

Levi’s shirt is the next article of clothing to quickly hit the floor, and as soon as it’s off, Erwin is taking a step back, lips parted, eyes raking in the sight of Levi, shirtless and panting in front of him. It’s a sight that he has missed, one that he never thought he’d see again, and for a moment, Erwin is rendered speechless. Thankfully, though, Levi doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, he coaxes Erwin toward the bed, and when he takes a seat on the plush bedspread, Erwin is quick to crawl over him. He wants to cherish this moment, but he also  _ wants _ , and thankfully, it seems as if Levi does too.

As soon as they’re kissing again, Levi’s legs spread, heels knocking against the small of Erwin’s back occasionally, Erwin finally comes to terms with the gravity of their situation. He realizes that Levi is a grown man, that he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions, and Erwin trusts that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to, he also realizes just how  _ big _ this is. Levi just lost Petra,  _ his wife _ , and Erwin will be the first person he has been with since then. Erwin knows that he needs to tread carefully, even if Levi insists that this is what he wants. He’s careful to keep his mouth shut, even though he wants to shower Levi with praise and affection, because he’s not quite sure if that’s what the other man wants to hear, given their circumstances. He wants to tell Levi how stunning he is, but he doesn’t want it to come off as patronizing or,  _ god forbid, _ pity. So instead, he worships Levi with his mouth in a different way, lips latching onto his jaw, his neck, moving down to his collarbone while nimble fingers toy gently and experimentally with his nipples. 

Thankfully, the responses that Erwin receives are nothing short of breathtaking. Each gasp that falls from Levi’s lips feels like a battle won, and when he arches up into his touch, Erwin can’t help but smile. “Like that?” he asks, finally opening his mouth to make sure that Levi is still doing alright, that he still wants this. 

What he receives is a breathy, incredulous chuckle from Levi. “ _ Yeah _ ,” he says, voice thick with… well, if Erwin had to guess, it would be pleasure and emotion. “Don’t stop.” And then, because Levi must think that Erwin needs a little more encouragement, he thrusts his hips up experimentally, sighing at the sweet, brief contact between their bodies. 

On instinct, Erwin reaches a hand between them, palming the bulge in Levi’s jeans, and the gasp he receives in return is enough to make him smile against Levi’s neck. 

“ _ Fuck,” _ Levi bites, clawing at Erwin’s back for purchase, pulling him impossibly closer, “Come on, Erwin.”

And it’s then that Erwin finally pulls away, because if they’re going to do this, there’s just one problem. “I don’t have any condoms,” Erwin announces, breaking the mood. He can tell in the way that Levi’s face falls, his eyes opening to gaze at him, that he quite possibly just ruined a good thing.

But then, Levi is just shaking his head and reaching his arms out to pull Erwin close again. “It’s fine,” he insists, “I’m clean, as long as you are… Petra’s the only one-”

Levi cuts himself off before he can say anything else, but Erwin understands. And it’s not as if he has been with anyone himself, but it was more of a concern for Levi, to make sure that he really wanted this, and to let Levi know that he had his best interests in mind. He would never ask him to do this if he wasn’t comfortable, but from Erwin’s vantage point, Levi doesn’t seem to have a problem with any of this. 

“Yeah,” he says, voice soft, “I am too, but-”

“But you have lube, right?” Levi asks. This time, he sits up on his elbows to look at Erwin, “Isn’t that all we need?”

Levi’s inexperience isn’t necessarily a surprise to Erwin, but it is a little unnerving. Again, he doesn’t want him to feel like he  _ has _ to do anything. They can take things slow, don’t have to rush. If Levi wants this with him, he shouldn’t feel like he has to do it now. 

“I do,” Erwin answers, “But I don’t want you to feel obligated to do any of this, Levi. We don’t have to-”

Again, Levi cuts Erwin off before he can finish speaking, leaning up closer so their faces are mere inches apart. 

“I dreamt of you  _ fucking me _ ,” Levi says, voice suddenly low, lustful. “I woke up hard this morning, because of you, Erwin.  _ I want this _ .”

This time, it’s Erwin’s turn to mutter,  _ “Fuck.” _

“I just don’t really know…” Levi says at last, a little unsure, and this time, Erwin interrupts.

“I’ll take care of you,” he murmurs. And then, before either of them can say anything else, he’s leaning in, pressing a warm, sturdy kiss to Levi’s lips. This is the most they’ve discussed this since they started kissing in the kitchen, and Erwin is thankful that Levi is at least able to talk about it like an adult, rather than interrupting and trying to pull his clothes off.

But for good measure, when Erwin pulls away, he whispers low into Levi’s ear, “ _ Do you trust me? _ ”

And Levi’s answer is immediate. 

“ _ Yes. _ ”

Levi’s jeans are the first to go, simply because Erwin wants to focus on him before he even thinks about himself. If this is Levi’s first time with another man, at least in this lifetime, then Erwin wants make sure he’s comfortable and prepared. And thankfully, despite Levi’s earlier interruptions and demands for Erwin to keep going, he’s relatively patient throughout everything. So Erwin takes his time, pressing gentle kisses down Levi’s stomach, across his thighs, purposefully ignoring his hard cock until Levi’s fingers find their way to his hair, until he thrusts his hips up shallowly, encouragingly. He doesn’t say anything, but Erwin takes the hint, and after a moment, he presses a soft kiss to the underside of Levi’s cock, his hand wrapping around his shaft. 

Levi sighs at the contact, his fingers tightening just barely in Erwin’s hair, his head falling back against the mattress, and Erwin smiles as he continues. Levi has always been like this - all smart tongue and venom, but quick to fall apart and become pliant under Erwin’s touch. Now is no different, as Erwin relearns Levi’s body, and Levi learns Erwin’s mouth for the first time.

When Erwin sucks the tip of Levi’s cock into his mouth, he revels in the gasp that comes from Levi’s lips, in the scraping of fingernails against his scalp. It isn’t much, but it has Levi’s toes curling, where his legs are draped over Erwin’s shoulders, his eyes squeezing shut, because Erwin is gentle and attentive, fingers stroking the places that his mouth doesn’t quite meet, throat working around the places that it does. 

Before long, Erwin is teasing a gentle finger at Levi’s hole, and to his pleasure (and surprise) Levi’s hips buck involuntarily into the touch. Finally, Erwin pulls off of his cock, licking up the length one more time for good measure, and without leaving Levi too much, he reaches across the bed and into his nightstand, digging around blindly before finally finding his lube. Levi watches with heavy eyes as he pops the cap open, squeezing some into his hand and rubbing it around a bit to warm it up.

“If this hurts at all, please tell me,” Erwin murmurs, pressing a kiss to Levi’s hip, “I want you to be comfortable.”

“I’ve done it to myself,” Levi simply replies, his admission actually surprising Erwin a little, “I’m not  _ that _ inexperienced, Erwin.”

To that, Erwin chuckles. “Fair enough.”

Levi still practically whines when Erwin begins working the first finger in, and Erwin can’t keep the smile off of his face, even when he presses a few comforting kisses to Levi’s thigh and cock. But even then, Levi rocks his hips back against Erwin’s fingers, working himself through it, and before long, Erwin is pressing a second finger in along with the first, watching the smaller man fall apart beneath him.

This is something he always loved seeing in their past life - Levi, so strong, stoic and composed, coming apart with just a few skillful touches in just the right places. It was remarkable, watching Humanity’s Strongest whine and writhe beneath him, and things are no different now. Levi’s fingers flex where they grip Erwin’s hair, his forearm, anything he can reach, and his legs wrap around him, pulling him impossibly closer. But best of all are the sounds that fall from Levi’s lips, little gasps and sighs, and the occasional whimper, as Erwin fucks him with his fingers, gently at first, but a little harder when he knows that he can take it. Levi’s prostate isn’t hard to find, and with the first brush of Erwin’s fingers, his hips are bucking at their own volition as he cries out. Taking the cue, Erwin presses against it once more, admiring Levi’s beautiful reactions, until he’s three fingers deep and the smaller man is coming apart underneath him.

When Erwin eventually pulls away to admire Levi, his fingers stilling inside of him for just a moment, he notices the thin layer of sweat coating his body, his matted, messy hair and parted lips, closed eyes. Those eyes open, however, almost immediately after Erwin stills, locking with Erwin’s gaze as he lets out a small, frustrated groan. “Erwin…” he half-moans, rocking his hips back against his touch. It’s a plea, as close to begging as he’ll likely get, and Erwin would be unkind not to comply. So, after just another moment of admiring Levi’s flushed, writhing body, he leans down, pressing a soft kiss to his parted lips, and withdraws his fingers. The sensation earns another whine from Levi, and Erwin works quickly after that, to rid himself of his own pants, which have become increasingly uncomfortable. But it was worth it, to bring Levi to this point, to make him fall apart and forget everything for just a little while. 

As Erwin begins pulling his own pants down, he pauses because the sight in front of him is one that he never thought he’d see again, one that he cherishes. Levi looks so open, readable, unlike his usual closed off demeanor. It’s a rare, and very beautiful sight. However, when Levi notices Erwin staring, he immediately becomes a little self-conscious, a little defensive. He curls in on himself slightly. 

_ “What?” _ he demands, though his voice is still soft, breathless. It’s endearing, and Erwin has to try with all his might not to chuckle or tease him. In a past life, considering how comfortable they were with one another, he might, but not here, not now. 

Instead, Erwin offers him a soft smile. “You’re stunning, Levi,” he replies.

“ _ Fuck, _ ” Levi mutters, flushing and averting his gaze for just a brief moment. He doesn’t want Erwin to see how it affects him, but he’s an open book right now. “Shut up and get over here.”

Wordlessly, Erwin complies, finally ridding himself of his own pants and crawling across the bed towards Levi, who sits up and meets him halfway with a heated kiss and wandering hands. It isn’t until he hears the popping of the cap that he realizes that Levi must have grabbed the lube off of the bed, and he doesn’t even get a word in before there’s a hand on his cock, slicking him up. And Erwin can’t help himself, his head falling forward at the contact, a deep groan spilling from his lips, and he  _ swears _ that Levi chuckles quietly against him. 

Pulling away to press another kiss to Levi’s lips - this time, it’s a little more rushed, desperate, messy - Erwin guides him further up the bed, until his head is resting on the pillows and his legs are spread beneath him. They get lost in the kiss for a moment, but when Levi reaches down to stroke Erwin again, he finally pulls away. 

“Tell me what you need,” he murmurs, as he positions himself, watching as Levi glances down between their bodies. The smaller man looks distracted for just one second before he’s nodding, looking up at Erwin again. 

“Yeah, okay,” he replies, “Come on.”

To that, Erwin smiles, and with a hand on Levi’s thigh, holding him open, he begins to ease himself inside. Immediately, he earns a gasp from Levi, his body tensing involuntarily before he relaxes beneath him, reaching up to grasp his arms and shoulders or anything else he can latch onto. Erwin is gentle at first, thrusting his hips slowly and shallowly to ease himself inside of Levi as gently as possible, and Levi quickly becomes pliable underneath him, only tensing every so often, but never asking Erwin to stop.

When he’s finally bottomed out, Erwin meets Levi for another messy kiss, their soft sighs and gasps intermingling as he moves gently and experimentally. They’re both sweaty, both already completely wrecked, but when Levi wordlessly nods against him, an approval to Erwin’s unspoken question, Erwin begins to pull out, only to thrust back into Levi’s tight heat, slow and gentle. The action earns a shuddering moan from Levi, the sound of it almost lost in Erwin’s answering groan, and from there, things just seem to escalate. 

Levi is pliant, but that doesn’t mean that he just lies there and lets Erwin do all of the work. Before long, he’s leveraging his hips up, pressing back to meet Erwin halfway, speeding up their pace, sighing and moaning into the pillow and his arm as he does so. And Erwin simply complies, though he can’t take his eyes off of Levi, with his parted lips, flushed cheeks, and heavy lidded eyes. The sight of Levi taking his cock, thrusting back against him and moaning breathlessly at the feeling of it is nearly enough to make Erwin come right then and there, but he holds himself back.

It isn’t until Levi urges him on that Erwin picks up the pace. “Come on,” he rasps, breathless and desperate, “ _ Erwin, _ give me more.”

And even if this is his first time with Levi, even if he wants to take things slow, wants to cherish it, he complies, burying his face in the crook of Levi’s neck and pulling out only to press back in harder, quicker,  _ more _ . The sounds that he receives in response, as well as the feeling of Levi tightening around him, holding onto him and digging his nails into his skin, are nothing short of incredible. 

Before long, the pace becomes punishing, as Levi bucks up to meet every one of Erwin’s thrusts, crying out when his cock presses up against his prostate, and squirming when Erwin eventually wraps a hand around him. By then, it only takes a few quick pumps, and Levi is stilling, clenching, and coming all over his stomach in hot spurts, mouth open in a silent ‘o’. And, a few moments later, Erwin feels that he is about to follow suit and moves to pull out, but is stopped abruptly by a hand on his forearm. 

“Don’t stop,” Levi gasps, breathless and fucked out, hazy from his orgasm, “Come inside… I want you to -  _ Erwin - _ ”

And that’s all it takes to convince Erwin. With just a few more thrusts, Erwin comes with a groan, burying his face in Levi’s neck as he spills inside of him. 

For a long moment, Erwin stays put, feeling himself softening inside of Levi, pressing gentle kisses to his neck, his jaw, his collarbone, and thankfully, Levi doesn’t push him away or complain about the mess cooling between their bodies. Instead, he just runs his fingers gently up and down Erwin’s shoulders and back, patient, kissing Erwin back when their lips finally meet. 

When Erwin eventually does pull away, it’s to wordlessly stand and cross the room, into his adjoining bathroom in order to grab a damp washcloth for Levi. If he knows the other man, even in this life, he knows he’ll appreciate the sentiment. And sure enough, when he returns to the bedroom, Levi sits up and reaches out for the cloth, immediately wiping at his stomach. Erwin sits near him on the bed, watching, waiting, unsure of what to say, and thankfully, when the silence is broken, it’s Levi who speaks first.

“Can I stay here tonight?” he asks, a question that Erwin did not expect, but certainly one that he doesn’t want to deny. 

“Of course,” he murmurs in response, voice soft. And at that, Levi stops to glance in his direction, and before he knows it, they’re kissing once more. 

This time, it isn’t heated like their kisses in the kitchen, in bed during sex, or even immediately after. This time, it’s soft, gentle, understanding. It feels like a new beginning. A rebirth.

But Erwin isn’t naive enough to believe that this will be easy. 

Shortly after cleaning himself off, Levi begins peeling the blankets off of Erwin’s bed without so much as asking, and when Erwin asks if he would like to use his shower, Levi declines, muttering that he’s tired, and Erwin has to admit that he is, too. Whether it’s the post-orgasmic haze, or the fact that he’s been on an emotional roller coaster since Levi called him earlier, he doesn’t care. What matters now is that Levi is by his side, naked in his bed, and when Erwin lies next to him, the smaller man curls up against his body. 

When the room is finally dark, and there are no noises save for their steady breathing, Levi speaks up again.

“Erwin?” 

His voice is soft, a barely there whisper, but Erwin catches it. 

“Yeah?”

It’s quiet for a moment, and Erwin thinks that maybe, Levi has abruptly fallen asleep, but just as he begins to close his eyes himself, he speaks up again. 

“Thank you.”

It’s vague, what Levi is thanking him for, but without skipping a beat, Erwin understands. His arm around Levi tightens, just barely, and he leans over, pressing a blind kiss to Levi’s hair. “Of course,” he murmurs in response, before falling into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

_ It’s so foggy that Levi can barely see the two riders in front of his own horse, their green cloaks the only things that really stand out about their hazy forms. The sight is reminiscent of his first time outside of the walls, that fateful day when he lost his two closest friends, his only family he ever knew, before there was Erwin and Hange and Mike…  _

_ It isn’t raining this time, but it’s very much the same. It’s eerie and quiet, the kind of quiet that leaves him feeling unsettled, like something terrible is about to happen. _

_ He isn’t wrong. They hear the thudding of footsteps mere seconds before the screams, and it’s like that first expedition all over again. Only this time, Levi is at Erwin’s side, rather than searching him out in the storm.  _

_ This time, he wants Erwin to make it out of here alive.  _

_ “Third formation!” Erwin calls, and Levi wonders how many of their squad will be able to hear him, how many of them will know what to do if they don’t, “Find cover!” _

_ It’s rare that Erwin orders them to run from a fight, to take cover rather than fight their way out of a problem, but Levi trusts his orders. He follows his Commander, will obey him until his final breath.  _

_ The fog is disorienting. They only recently emerged from the forest and immediately turn back as soon as Erwin makes the call, but for the life of him, Levi can’t see any trees above or beside them. It feels as if they’ve been riding, high on adrenaline and hoping that no titans find them under the cover of the fog as they try to seek shelter or a high enough place to hide, for a while now, but Levi can’t see anything. It’s as terrifying as it is confusing. _

_ When Levi finally does spy a shape, it’s to Erwin’s left, and it most certainly isn’t a tree, as it barrels in their direction, becoming clearer and clearer as it nears them in the fog. Wordlessly, Levi leaps off of his mare, firing his grapples off into the fog, hoping that he catches onto something, and he just barely catches Erwin screaming his name as he soars toward the titan. _

_ Thankfully, it’s a surprisingly easy kill, considering their circumstances. The beast still takes out two members of their squad (that Levi knows of, at least) but his grapples catch on its shoulder and neck, and from there, it’s a clean cut through the nape. _

_ What’s harder, is finding his way back to Erwin and his horse, but thankfully, the Commander doubles back for him. Thankfully, the fog begins to clear a little bit. However, it clears enough for Levi to realize that they’re the only two left, of their squad at least. When Erwin comes back for him, he’s alone, and judging by the stony look on his face, it’s not by his own doing. _

_ The others didn’t make it to safety. _

_ “We’re off course,” Erwin explains, as they ride away from the quickly deteriorating carcass. “Thankfully, the fog is clearing up, though. I believe we came from this direction.” _

_ “And the others?” Levi asks, though he knows the answer. _

_ Erwin is only silent in response, his lips a thin line.  _

_ It’s quiet the two ride together, and for a moment, all Levi wants is to grieve for his friends and fellow soldiers, but he has to hold onto some hope that they’ll make it out of here alive. This will be a harder defeat to come back from, harder than anything they’ve ever been through, but they can do it. Levi believes in the resiliency of his Commander - the empty right sleeve of his jacket is a testament to that.  _

_ But, before he can really get his hopes up, he hears it: the telltale thudding of heavy footsteps, coming from behind them. Despite every bone in his body telling him not to, Levi glances over his shoulder, and, through the thinning fog, he can see the large titan approaching.  _

_ “Do not engage!” Erwin calls out to him, but Levi is busy staring the beast down. It’s moving fast, faster than their horses can go, and if they don’t reach the treeline in time, they’ll be dead. _

_ “Erwin-” _

_ “Levi!” Erwin yells, “Don’t! We can make it!” _

_ But, in an uncharacteristic act of defiance, Levi stands in his stirrups, and with a parting glance at Erwin, spins to face the beast. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Erwin, but it’s more so out of concern for him. If the titan reaches them, Levi will be able to take it out. But if there is more than one, they won’t be able to fight them off. Erwin is proficient with his maneuver gear, but he’ll never be able to fight like he used to again. _

_ So Levi disobeys him in order to protect him, and ultimately, that’s his downfall. He lets his emotions get the best of him, doesn’t listen in favor of protecting the man he loves, and that’s what distracts him from the second titan, coming in quickly to his right. _

_ Like before, Levi’s grapples hook easily into the beast’s shoulders, but long before he makes contact, a hand reaches out, snatching the wires from the air and plummeting him out of control.  _

_ The last thing Levi hears before he hits the ground is Erwin screaming his name.  _

_ Upon impact, he doesn’t move right away. Everything is ringing around him, his vision is blurry and his body aches, but miraculously, Levi is alive. Somehow, the fall didn’t kill him. But, just as he begins to count his blessings, Levi his hoisted up off of the ground, grabbed like a rag doll by a large, bloody hand.  _

_ Immediately, Levi springs into action, using a broken blade to hack at the titans fingers in an attempt to free himself, and as he does so, he catches sight of something else moving - something much smaller, closer to the ground. Erwin is riding in his direction, and the sight breaks Levi’s heart.  _

_ “Erwin!” he screams, voice raw, broken, “Get back! Go, get out of here!” _

_ It’s one final attempt to save his Commander’s life, but he knows that it is in vain. _

_ Seconds before the large jaws close around his body, Levi spares one last glance at Erwin, committing his image to memory. _

_ In the distance, he can spy the faint outline of trees in the fog.  _

_ … _

Levi sits up with a gasp, and for a brief, terrifying moment, he forgets what is real and what is not, heart hammering in his chest. The last thing he remembers is searing pain, a ringing in his ears, and  _ Erwin _ . The look of utter terror and heartache on Erwin’s face is seared into his memory, as is the image of a terrifying, contorted and bloody face, a giant, plucking him up off of the ground with the intention of swallowing him whole. 

In the darkness, Levi reaches out for something solid, something familiar, and when his hand comes in contact with a solid form on his left, he starts, jumping back, shaky and scared.

And then, the form is moving, and a lamp is flicked on, light flooding Levi’s senses and illuminating the bedroom.

The second that Levi’s eyes come to rest on Erwin, he breaks down. He tries to speak, but can only manage another gasp, his breath coming and going in quick successions, hands trembling. Despite the light, the room feels dark and heavy. Everything feels like it is closing in around Levi, the images from his dream still fresh in his mind, the terror still racing through his veins. 

Within moments, Erwin is moving, arms coming to wrap gently around Levi’s shoulders. He pulls him close, but not too tight, and despite feeling like he’s suffocating, the touch is comforting. Or, as comforting as it can be while Levi tries to ease himself away from a panic attack. 

Erwin says nothing at first, instead opting to soothingly rub one hand up and down Levi’s back while the other holds him close, keeps him sturdy. Levi struggles to take in a few breaths, attempting to find his voice, trying to tell Erwin what’s happening.

“I-” he gasps, “You were-”

“Shh…” Erwin simply sooths in response, pulling Levi closer without making him feel too trapped. His movements are gentle, careful, and his words are soft and soothing. “It’s okay, it’s just a dream.”

Levi wonders if this is how Petra felt whenever he comforted her after a nightmare, if this is what she dealt with all of those years. He wants to ask how Erwin knows, how he knows what he’s going through right now, but he can’t find the words. So, after another moment of gasping for breath, he allows himself to collapse against Erwin’s sturdy form, head pressed against his chest. Erwin doesn’t speak, doesn’t do anything except hold Levi against him, and, as Levi tries to calm himself, he listens to the steady beating of Erwin’s heart, sturdy, strong and reliable. 

His dream was just as vivid as the ones that have come before it - dreams of Erwin and Petra, as well as plenty of unfamiliar faces, their names just on the tip of his tongue but never found. Lying in bed with Erwin half an hour later, both men still awake but not speaking, Levi wonders if it’s all connected, in some weird, fucked up way. This most recent dream felt like flying, much like his dream of Petra. It feels familiar, but foreign all the same.

And then there was Erwin’s reaction to his question earlier that night. As Levi lies awake, he thinks back to their conversation in the kitchen, how Erwin had avoided the questions about his dreams, about what Petra said. He dwells on it, and in the dark of Erwin’s bedroom, with his arm wrapped around him, he has to ask. 

“Petra told me that you would make me happy,” he says into the quiet. He doesn’t really even know if Erwin is still awake, but it’s worth a shot. And judging by the way his breathing hitches, just for a split second, he is. When Erwin doesn’t say anything, though, Levi continues. “It’s like she knew something I didn’t. Why is that?”

For a long moment, it is quiet. Levi doesn’t immediately receive a response from Erwin, and he begins to wonder if he’ll even get one, if he just imagined that the other man was still awake. But then Erwin takes a deep breath, and finally speaks. “I wish I had the answer for that…” he murmurs softly at Levi’s side.

And, not for the first time, Levi feels like he doesn’t quite understand. So he presses.

“I dreamt about her dying before she died, only it was different,” he says, recalling what he told Erwin earlier, “And I dreamt about you, too… Only it was different. These aren’t normal dreams.”

To that, Erwin simply pulls Levi closer, pressing a quick kiss to his temple. He doesn’t speak, and Levi can’t decide if his silence means more than he knows.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOH SHIT. Bet you didn't see that coming.
> 
> This was such a fun chapter to write and I can't wait to share the rest!


	12. I Face The World Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _When the ball drops, let’s call it off_   
>  _You dropped the ball a lot this year_   
>  _And the night’s closing arguments_   
>  _Can’t convince me why I’m here_
> 
> _It’s gonna be a bad year_   
>  _You disappear_   
>  _On the one night_   
>  _I need you here_
> 
> _I face the world alone._  
>  \- [12/31](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VErSuDN2ugc) \- Hostage Calm
> 
> Finally, a little glimpse into Levi's thoughts. I really, really loved writing this chapter. Also, I really love the song above. It's so heartbreaking but so pretty. 
> 
> There are more spoilery notes at the end!

Levi is gone when Erwin wakes in the morning. 

The empty space in his bed is a familiar feeling, and at first, Erwin thinks nothing of it as he rolls over onto a cold mattress, foggy with sleep, eyes still closed. For a moment, everything is just morning haziness and he forgets all about the night before, what Levi said and what happened, but as Erwin slowly drifts into consciousness, it all comes flooding back to him, and suddenly, the emptiness of his bed isn’t as comforting as he thought it was. He remembers the way that Levi asked, practically begged him for more, how Levi wanted to stay the night, how he held Levi after he woke in the middle of the night from a bad dream, and that has Erwin groaning, throwing an arm over his face and wishing he was still asleep, that this was just a dream. 

For a moment, Erwin allows himself to hope that Levi is just in the bathroom, that he woke before him and took it upon himself to shower or use the restroom, but the fact of the matter is, the other side of his bed is cold, and there’s no trace of Levi in his house. There are no noises of another person rummaging around in his bathroom, and when Erwin sits up, there are no scattered clothes on his floor except his own. It’s almost as if the night before never happened, but Erwin knows that isn’t true. The immediate dread, regret and fear that fill his chest tell him that much. The little love bites and hickies that litter his chest and neck when he glances in the mirror a few minutes later confirm it. 

A voice inside the back of Erwin’s head tells him to call Levi, to try to sort things out and apologize if he crossed any lines last night, but he doesn’t. The fact of the matter is, they are two consenting adults of (fairly) clear mind. Erwin asked Levi multiple times if he was comfortable, if he was sure, and Levi asked for more, even asked to stay the night after they had sex, and didn’t flee after waking from a nightmare in the middle of the night. The fact of the matter is, Levi also isn’t in the best place right now. There’s a good chance that he wanted to avoid the awkward morning after, that he thought it would be easier if he just left before Erwin woke. So, because of that, Erwin waits to contact him. Like every time before, he gives Levi his space, but this time around, Erwin feels like he's making the right choice. 

In fact, Erwin showers, gets dressed, makes his bed and even eats breakfast before he tries calling Levi later that morning, trying to stay positive and genuinely expecting him to answer the phone. And when Levi doesn’t answer, Erwin tells himself that he just needs some space. He knows the other man, knows how he gets, and he understands that. That’s fine.

Right?

However, when Levi doesn’t return his call by later that afternoon, Erwin starts to feel doubt. The thing is, Erwin may be comfortable in his own skin, but he also isn’t quite sure how this is supposed to work in this life - this is unfamiliar territory to Erwin, a one night stand. Is that all that Levi wanted this to be? Just something to help him move on, to help him forget about everything that has happened for a while?

No… It doesn’t add up. The way that Levi spoke to him and acted around him last night wasn’t distant or detached. He wanted to be there. So it doesn’t make sense, and throughout the afternoon, Erwin can’t help but overthink things, but comes to the conclusion that it was too soon. Petra only passed away a few months ago, and it’s very possible that Levi  _ thought _ he was ready to move on, but awoke in the morning and regretted it. He could have woken at Erwin’s side and realized his mistake and tiptoed out of his house without another word.

So, in a last ditch effort, Erwin sends a short but sweet text message to Levi that evening, in hopes to calm his nerves. 

_ Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright today. Let me know if you need to talk. _

It’s open ended, unapologetic, but understanding, and Erwin hopes that he gets it. He doesn’t want to pressure Levi into anything if he isn’t ready, but he also wants to be there for him, if even just as a friend. He has made the mistake of distancing himself far too many times, and now is not the time to do that. Everything that happened last night was all Erwin has ever wanted and more, but if Levi isn’t happy, or if he isn’t comfortable, then Erwin doesn’t want it either. He just wants to be in the other man’s life. 

But Levi doesn’t call. He doesn’t text him back. Two weeks go by, Christmas nears, and Erwin still hasn’t heard from Levi. 

To be fair, he doesn’t go too far out of his way to contact Levi, but he also doesn’t want to push too hard, understanding that he’s toeing a fine line. Almost a week after they sleep together, Erwin notices Levi pulling into his driveway, waits about an hour, and tries calling him, but it rings until it goes to voicemail. Again, like before, Erwin waits for Levi to come to him, waits for him to come around. Only this time, it doesn’t happen. 

Erwin leaves town to spend the holidays with his mother a few days before Christmas, and as he drives toward the airport that evening, he glances at Levi’s house. He drives slow through their neighborhood, noticing that his kitchen light is on, and when he sees Levi standing in front of the window, presumably washing dishes, Erwin wants to pull over right then and there, march up to his door and apologize for anything he may have done wrong, any line he may have crossed, but he keeps driving, and Levi doesn’t see him. He doesn’t stop, because if it’s not meant to be this time around, at least he had Levi briefly. Maybe next time around, they’ll be more lucky.

  
Though if Erwin had to choose, being unable to talk to, touch, kiss Levi when he’s so close, yet so far, hurts more than any loss in his previous life.

* * *

 

Erwin forgets just how much he misses his mother until he sees her waiting for him at his gate in the airport, three days before Christmas. It’s been almost exactly a year since he saw her last - she flew to Portland to see him last Christmas - and to Erwin’s dismay, he can tell that she has aged a bit since then. It’s nothing too noticeable - a few deeper wrinkles here and there, lighter hair - but Erwin spies it almost immediately. It’s something you notice when you get a second chance, when you get to spend a full lifetime with your mother, rather than just your adolescence, before being ripped apart too soon. Erwin never had the chance to watch his mother grow old in his past life, and the sight actually warms his heart a little.

He isn’t too proud to set his bag down, wrapping his arms around his mother’s smaller body, burying his face into her hair. She’s built tall and lean like him, even in his age, only coming up a few inches shorter, and the second he hugs her, he feels like a little kid again. 

“It’s good to see you, Mom,” he murmurs into her hair, and already, he can tell that she’s smiling against him.

“You too, sweetie.” She pulls away at that, holding Erwin at arm’s length. Still smiling, she looks him up and down before nodding approvingly. “Every time I see you, you get more and more handsome.”

“Don’t say that, you’re going to give me an ego,” Erwin teases back with a smile, picking his duffel bag up and falling into step alongside her to baggage claim. While he loves his home now, he can’t deny that he loves coming home to his mother and his childhood home. It’s something he will never take for granted in this lifetime. 

“It’s true,” she insists, nudging him slightly, “When are you going to bring home a nice girl for me to meet, huh?”

But at that question, a lump forms in Erwin’s throat. His step nearly falters and it takes him a moment to catch up, both physically and mentally. It’s a question she asks every other year, and every year, Erwin answers her the same way -  _ When I find the right one, mom _ . It’s easier than explaining to his mother that it would more than likely be a nice  _ man _ , and even easier than trying to explain that the one he wants to bring home hasn’t shown up yet. Now, however, it’s a different situation altogether.

Erwin would love to bring Levi home to meet his mother, would love for him to see his hometown, his childhood house, to eat his mom’s home cooking… Hell, Erwin is certain that his mother would even be more than accepting. But things are… Complicated.

His hesitation sparks an interest in his mother, who turns to him with a grin. “If you were seeing someone, you wouldn’t hide them from me, would you, Erwin?”

It’s teasing, but she doesn’t realize quite how loaded the question is. Thankfully, Erwin is good at masking his emotions, though. It’s something he has carried over into this lifetime.

Without missing a beat, Erwin laughs, shaking his head. “Of course not,” he insists, “I’m not seeing anyone, mom.”

She tsks, but thankfully, drops the subject rather quickly, instead asking Erwin about work, his students, friends, and anything  _ but _ relationships. Thankfully, after retrieving his suitcase and settling into the car with his mother, Erwin is able to put thoughts of Levi on the backburner. 

That doesn’t mean that Erwin doesn’t check his phone occasionally, hoping for a missed call or text message from the other man, but he doesn’t mention that to his mother.

* * *

 

Christmas passes, and despite his better judgement, he sends a text to Levi. Maybe it’s because he has had one too many glasses of wine while eating Chrismas cookies and watching movies with his mom, or maybe it’s because he knows that Levi is likely lonely on the holiday that doubles as his birthday. Whatever it is, it has Erwin sending the message before he has a chance to think about it.

_ Happy birthday and Merry Christmas, Levi. Thinking of you. _

It’s stupid and cheesy and Erwin  _ knows _ that he won’t get a response, but he can’t help it. The last thing he wants is for the other man to feel alone right now. He wonders if Kenny called him up to tell him happy birthday, if he heard from any of Petra’s friends or family today, and he genuinely hopes so. Because Levi deserves so much more…

A few days after Christmas, Erwin flies to Colorado to see Mike. It’s something he plans very last minute, rerouting his flight home and leaving a couple of days early, but Mike insists that he come visit because he has a “surprise” for him, and his mother seems understanding, telling him that he should spend some time with his college friend while he has time off work. So with a promise to his mother that he’ll come home over the summer, and maybe even have her over during spring break, he departs for Colorado, with plans to stay through the new year.

And like seeing his mother, being reunited with Mike feels like coming home. However, this time is different. Erwin hasn’t seen Mike in nearly two years, and though they talk on the phone almost once a week, things change. People change. Erwin has no doubt that Mike is still the same person that he has known for two lifetimes, but when he steps off the plane that afternoon, something  _ has _ changed, and Erwin knows immediately what Mike’s big surprise is. Standing next to his best friend when he comes into view is none other than Nanaba, and Erwin may look childish, but upon seeing her, smiling excitedly at Mike’s side, he breaks out into a full run. 

Nanaba giggles as she accepts Erwin’s eager embrace, hugging him back just as tightly and laughing even harder as he nearly lifts her off the ground in excitement. It’s apparent that she remembers - if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been smiling like she was, nor would she be hugging back like she is - and it takes everything Erwin has not to break down right then and there. 

Finally, after what feels like both forever and not quite long enough, Erwin and Nanaba part, and he holds her at arm’s length, glancing between her and Mike as he tries to form words. “How did-” he starts, “Did you-”

Now, it’s Mike’s turn to laugh, pulling Erwin into an embrace. 

Later, as they gather Erwin’s bags and make their way to Mike’s car in the parking lot, Mike and Nanaba explain that they only recently found one another, less than two weeks ago. “I was on vacation with friends in Aspen and bumped into him in the ski lodge,” Nanaba says, laughing at the simplicity of it, “I was supposed to go home after Christmas, but I’m sort of putting it off.”

As it turns out, Nanaba’s life this time around has been a bit different than Erwin and Mike’s. She didn’t remember when she was young, but only more recently, after a close friend of her’s passed away when she was in high school. She attributes her trauma as the reason she regained her memories, but that doesn’t necessarily explain Mike, who has remembered his past life since he was young, without anything relatively traumatic happening to him.

“It’s because you’re weird,” Nanaba teases later that evening at dinner, nudging Mike with her elbow, and Erwin smiles at the way the two act around one another, as if they’d never been separated. Though part of him can’t help but feel a little bit jealous - they seem to have it so easy, compared to he and Levi - he tries to push that down, keep it hidden. He won’t allow himself to feel animosity toward his best friend or Nanaba, simply because they found each other easier than he found his lover from a past life. 

With Nanaba around, the conversation remains lighthearted. Mostly, the three of the reminisce over their past friendship and their previous lives - the good parts, at least. Nanaba has plenty of questions for Erwin - like what happened after her and Mike were gone? Did they free humanity from the walls? - and Erwin tries to answer them to the best of his ability. While he didn’t live to see the end, he insists that Eren and the others were strong enough to make it - if they find them in this lifetime, they’ll have to ask. Aside from that, Erwin learns about Nanaba in  _ this _ lifetime - that she’s a personal trainer in Denver, only a few hours away from where Mike lives in Aspen, and they joke about how small of a world it really is, especially considering that Levi lives only two houses down from Erwin. While Nanaba seems to be up to speed on  _ that _ situation as well, she doesn’t press the subject, doesn’t make Erwin talk about anything that he doesn’t want to, and he appreciates that. 

Mike, however, is a different story. 

On New Year’s Eve, he and Erwin share a few drinks while Nanaba dozes on the sofa, asleep well before midnight. Mike doesn’t wake her for a kiss, instead opting to press one to her forehead, and Erwin tries not to feel jealousy, wondering what Levi is doing at midnight...

Seemingly reading his thoughts, Mike strikes up a conversation only a few minutes later, voice low, suddenly serious. “How is Levi holding up?”

Despite their upbeat and relatively light hearted conversations, Mike understands that what Erwin is currently going through is not quite as easy as what he and Nanaba have, and Erwin appreciates the concern and care in his voice. 

The last time Erwin and Mike spoke about Levi was before they made amends, before they slept together, and before they stopped speaking once again. And while Erwin wants to give Mike a simple answer - he doesn’t want to make this trip about him - he has to be honest with his friend. 

“Good,” he starts with, but the conviction isn’t there. It sounds like a lie, even to his own ears, so Erwin continues, “He - I don’t know, actually… We haven’t spoken in a few weeks.”

Mike raises his eyebrows in return, surprised, but doesn’t speak, waiting for Erwin to explain, so that’s what he does.

“We were… together,” he says, testing the waters. When he receives no judgement from Mike’s end, he continues, “But I think he feels like it was a mistake. We haven’t spoken since, and I don’t blame him. It’s so soon, I should have known better…”

“He’s a grown man,” Mike assures, almost immediately, “He can make his own decisions. He just has a lot on his mind, I’m sure.”

Erwin nods. “You’re right. I should have been more responsible, though. I-”

“You’re only human,” Mike interrupts, finishing Erwin’s sentence before he can say anything else. “Just give him time. You know it always takes some time for him to come around.”

Erwin sighs, giving in at that. It’s in his blood to blame himself, to take the fall and the burdens of everyone else, but Mike knows Erwin, likely better than anyone else, and he knows the right thing to say. It’s a nasty habit, and for the time being, Erwin tries to shake himself from it. Mike is right, Levi is a grown man, and hopefully, he will come around. 

Glancing between Mike and Nanaba - the way his friend looks at her sleeping form - he can only hope that he and Levi have what they do some day, even if Levi never remembers.

* * *

 

The day after they sleep together, Levi contemplates walking over to Erwin’s house and apologizing for leaving like he did, but ultimately decides against it. When he woke up that morning, in bed with Erwin sleeping peacefully at his side, it felt  _ right _ . It felt okay, and Levi didn’t even feel any regret - for a moment, he curled closer to Erwin, closing his eyes to sleep just a little bit longer - but then, it was that lack of guilt that sat wong in his stomach.

He lost Petra only a few short months ago, yet there he was, in bed with another man, moving on, and he didn’t even feel remotely guilty about it. Well, until he did. 

Levi scrambles to gather his clothing that morning, leaving Erwin’s room with one last glance back and his sleeping, peaceful form, and tries not to think about how he practically begged for the other man the night before, how he clung onto him when he awoke from a nightmare in the middle of the night. But the fact is, Levi can’t get those images out of his head. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Erwin’s low blue ones staring back at him. Erwin, hovering above him, leaning down to kiss him, moaning in his ear. 

He tries to shake those thoughts from his head, guilt taking over, but as soon as he does, they’re replaced by images of Petra, bloody on a forest floor, doctors holding him back as he screams her name, her smiling face in a hospital bed. 

It’s fucked up how  _ not _ guilty Levi feels one moment, and then the next, he wants to be sick with the thought of how fast he tried to move on, practically throwing himself at the first person who looked at him. He tries to rationalize it, telling himself that it’s because he’s been having those dreams about Erwin - dreams that  _ haven’t _ gone away since they had sex - but it’s a lousy excuse. The fact of the matter is, he’s a grown man. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it.

Only in his case, it’s an unbearably empty, lonely bed.

* * *

 

Petra’s parents invite Levi home for Christmas, but he can’t bring himself to return to her childhood home, and gives them some excuse about work and cleaning up the house, gathering her things. He’s sure that they see right through his lie, but they’re understanding. They’re too nice, and he doesn’t deserve to still have them in his life, especially after what he went and did…

There are too many memories back home, back at Petra’s childhood home. He knows that he wouldn’t be able to sit through a meal at their dinner table, nor would he be able to spend the night in that house, knowing that he’d either have to sleep in her room (God forbid) on on the sofa that he spent one to many slumber parties on as a child. 

He receives a happy birthday and Merry Christmas phone call from Petra’s parents, a text from Kenny and a few half-hearted messages from some of Petra’s old friends, wishing him well but won’t call to see. However, the only message that really matters, the only one that Levi finds himself reading over and over, typing out a response only to delete it is Erwin’s. 

_ Happy birthday and Merry Christmas, Levi. Thinking of you. _

He wants to reply, wants to tell Erwin not to beat himself up over what happened, because he’s certain that he is, if the way he was acting after Petra passed away is any indicator, but Levi can’t bring himself to type those words. He can’t bring himself to pick up the phone. 

Instead, Levi thinks about how Petra isn’t the last person he kissed, nor is she the last person he shared a bed with and the fact the he never will again. He frequently thinks about the evening he spent at Erwin’s, how Erwin had been strong and sturdy against him. He felt safe with Erwin, and he wants to attribute that to the fact that Erwin has been a constant thing in his life, because he has been there for him throughout everything, and maybe that has something to do with it, but it feels like something more, and that is absolutely fucking terrifying. It’s that thought, and other ones like it that stop Levi from reaching out to Erwin, for fear of whatever there is between them.

It’s scary, and it had been scary lying in bed with Erwin, feeling comfortable, safe secure. The last time he felt way next to someone, he lost them. The last person he felt that way with was Petra. And it’s with  _ that _ thought that he realizes how in deep he truly is. 

Levi’s true feelings for Erwin take a while to hit, buried under guilt, regret and denial, but when they do finally emerge, they hit hard. Levi is unsure when he first started developing feelings for the other man, and he feels even more guilty when he wonders if it was before he lost Petra. That’s not fair to her, but none of this is. He should have been spending time with Petra, cherishing the time he had with her, not fucking up and getting drunk and kissing Erwin and -

And none of that matters anymore, because she’s gone, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t come clean with her about that first time that he and Erwin kissed and apologize for not being faithful to her. He can’t apologize for not always being present or passionate about the things that she wanted him to care about. He can’t do any of those things, because she is gone, and he is forced to either wallow in self-pity and hatred, or move forward with his life. 

Levi frequently wonders what Petra would tell him to do. Would she be happy that he has someone who cares about him? Would she encourage him to move on with his life, whether that was with Erwin or not? He dwells on her words, how she told him, lying in a hospital bed, that Erwin would take care of him.

Was that her blessing? Did she even know what she was talking about? Would she approve now?

_ “I just want you to be happy _ ,” Petra had said to him once -  _ more than once. _ When they first left their hometown and moved to Utah, she said those words to him.  _ I just want you to be happy _ . When they made the move to Portland, when they discussed having kids.  _ I just want you to be happy _ .

Levi wanted that for Petra, and she just wanted that for him. Maybe that’s why they ended up together, because they put the others’ happiness before their own. Maybe that’s why they butted heads sometimes, because his happiness didn’t always correspond with hers. But hers was more important to him. Always.

But now… Now that Levi is on his own, what is important?

_ I just want you to be happy. _

What would make him happy now?

* * *

 

On New Year’s Eve, after a couple of glasses of wine, Levi finally musters the courage to dial Erwin’s number. When it goes straight to voicemail, however, he promptly hangs up, and after a brief pep-talk, he decides to walk over to his house. 

What’s the worst that could happen?

Levi knocks on Erwin’s door once, and when he doesn’t answer, he even goes as far as ringing the doorbell, feeling a bit desperate, but to no avail. Nobody answers, and Levi is left standing on Erwin’s front step feeling foolish and pathetic. And, after a moment, he takes a seat on Erwin’s porch, too embarrassed to stay any longer, but too frustrated to go home. Part of him had been wondering what would happen if Erwin were to answer the door. Would he have a New Year’s kiss? Would he finally be able to move on?

Would he finally be happy?

But Erwin doesn’t answer, and Levi sits on his front step until well after midnight before finally heading home, discouraged, embarrassed and hopeless. If nothing else, Levi would have liked to apologize to Erwin, for leaving the way he did, for putting him through so much bullshit. Erwin - kind hearted Erwin - doesn’t deserve to be ignored or treated the way that Levi has been treating him, no matter the circumstances. But Erwin doesn’t answer the door, and Levi doesn’t have a chance to tell him that.

The next morning, Levi wakes up late, slightly hungover and disappointed from the night before. What a way to ring in the new year. 

Later that afternoon, he finds himself still clad in pajamas, cleaning the house, busying himself to keep his unhealthy thoughts at bay. He starts in the kitchen, scrubbing down all of the countertops and cabinets before moving on to the stove, sink and even mopping the tile floors. After that, he moves into the living room, rearranging furniture in order to clean underneath, deciding to leave it that way as a fresh start. 

He could use a new beginning.

By the time the majority of the first floor is clean, Levi actually feels a little bit better and much more energized. Petra would give him shit about it, but cleaning helps him feel better, helps him clear his mind, as if he’s washing away all of his worries as he cleans the house. By the time he takes a late lunch break, Levi decides that maybe, he’ll stop by Erwin’s house again in the evening, after he musters up the courage. If his phone was off the night before, maybe he was out with friends. Maybe he was asleep. Hell, maybe he’s even out of town for the holidays… Who knows. 

Levi’s thoughts are cut short, however, as his phone begins ringing from where it sits across the room. Almost immediately, he launches out of his seat, lunch forgotten on the kitchen table, in hopes that it’s Erwin calling, and an apology sits ready on his tongue. However, when he looks down at his caller ID, it’s a phone number that he doesn’t immediately recognize. He thinks he may know the area code, so Levi just assumes that it’s one of Petra’s friends from Utah, and, faster than he’d like to admit, he ignores the call.

When the mystery caller doesn’t leave a voicemail - which most of Petra’s friends do, something sad like  _ “I’m so sorry for your loss” _ and  _ “If you ever want to talk…” _ \- Levi decides to fetch Petra’s unused cell phone to check the number, just in case. He has kept it around for this reason, and just in case anyone who hasn’t heard the news tries contacting Petra. It’s a difficult conversation to have, but Levi deals with it, just like he’ll deal with this. However, when he checks the phone number in her phone and it doesn’t match up, he attributes it to a wrong number, puts her phone away and forgets about it in favor of finishing his lunch. 

Five minutes later, however, just as Levi is washing his dishes, the number calls again. And for a few rings, he decides that he will just let it go to voicemail again, his hands covered in soapy water. But something, a little voice in the back of his head, he’s unsure what, possesses him to answer the call at the last possible second. Suddenly, Levi is drying his hands quickly on his sweats, grabbing his phone and answering just as it’s about to go to voicemail. He’s not sure why he does it, when he’s sure it’s just a wrong number or a solicitor, but he answers. Later, he’ll be glad that he did.

“Hello?” Levi answers, breathless, gripping onto his phone with still-wet hands, struggling to keep it from clattering to the ground or into the sink. 

What he doesn’t expect is what the caller says in response, in a voice that is both familiar and unfamiliar all the same. “ _ Levi _ ?”

He knows that voice from  _ somewhere _ . It’s on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t quite place it, and even more strange is the fact that they know his name. Maybe it’s someone he knows from high school? Maybe college? He tries to think of someone -  _ anyone _ \- but draws a blank. So instead, he asks, “Who is this?”

“Sorry,” the caller mutters, apparently apologizing for their lack of an introduction. “I - My name is Mike. I’m a friend of Erwin’s. I don’t know if he has ever mentioned me…”

Instantly, a million thoughts run through Levi’s head. First and foremost, wonders if Erwin is alright. When he tried calling the night before, the call went straight to voicemail, and now, one of Erwin’s friends is calling - where's Erwin? But Levi shakes the thought from his head. He’s just paranoid. Secondly, he wonders if Erwin talked one of his friends into calling him, just to see if he was alright, but not only is that childish, it doesn’t sound like something that Erwin would do. The man is much more direct. So instead of assuming anything, Levi waits for the man on the other line to go on. And apparently,  _ Mike _ gets the hint, because after a brief moment of silence, he keeps speaking. 

“Look, that doesn’t matter. I’m calling because Erwin mentioned that you were… Close.” Levi notes the way that Mike pauses at that word, and can’t help but wonder if Erwin told him what really happened before his thoughts are cut short by Mike speaking again. This time, his voice takes on a darker, more serious tone, one that Levi feels shaken by. 

“Levi, Erwin has been in an accident,” he says, “I understand if you don’t want to come, considering everything you have been through recently, but I figured that Erwin would want me to let you know…”

Levi is sure that the stranger -  _ Mike _ , his name is Mike - keeps speaking, but the second that he mentions that Erwin has been in accident, he stops listening. Everything else he says sounds distant, far away, unimportant, because Levi’s worst fears have just been confirmed. He feels like collapsing, because he can’t bear to lose someone else, not so soon, but he holds it together, just enough to weakly stammer, “Is he - did he -”

“He’s alive,” Mike says immediately, as if he can read Levi’s thoughts, and suddenly a wave of relief washes over Levi. He feels sick, dizzy, but high all the same. He doesn’t even realize that he’s holding himself up against the counter, legs weak beneath him. “He’ll be okay, but-”

But suddenly, Levi feels a primal instinct to be there. He needs to be there. He doesn’t know where Erwin is or what happened, but Levi needs to see him, immediately regrets not calling him back or responding to any of his text messages. He should have just answered, and he wouldn’t be here right now, receiving yet  _ another _ one of these phone calls and praying that he doesn’t lose someone else.

Levi needs to be there. 

“ _Where is he_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm a terrible person, leaving you on a cliffhanger like this. But there had to be just a little bit more drama before the end... Haha.
> 
> I would have liked to wait to post this chapter, but the rest of this week is going to be really crazy, so I hope you guys can put up with me and my awful cliffhanger for a little bit. I promise I'll update again as soon as I get the chance! <3


	13. Buried Deep Under My Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I close my eyes and suddenly we were attached._  
>  _You stayed with me after the moment passed,_  
>  _I felt you buried deep under my chest,_  
>  _Like my lungs when I’m breathing in,_  
>  _And I was not myself when I opened up my eyes again._  
>  \- [Like Slow Disappearing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBk5E9Bqaoo) \- Turnover
> 
> I'm not going to say much except that I love Turnover and the song above, and that I am really excited to share this chapter.

On the long flight to Colorado, Levi goes over the details that Mike had given him again and again in his head, repeating them a mantra to himself.

_ Erwin is okay. He’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine. _

So why is he flying over one thousand miles just to make sure? It’s well past sunset by the time Levi boards the flight, and he doesn’t even think twice about the price, taking the first available seat to Colorado and hoping for the best.

In order to keep himself sane, Levi repeats the details in his head, assuring himself that everything will be fine once he arrives in Denver. Erwin is in good hands, he has a good friend that cares about him. Everything will be _fine_. 

According to Mike - who Levi has been texting back and forth with ever since the phone call, letting him know when he’ll be arriving and asking where the hospital is located - Erwin had been snowmobiling earlier in the day when he was involved in an accident. Mike said they left early that morning, as it had snowed overnight, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, but the trail was snowed over and they couldn’t really see where they were going. Apparently, Mike had been close behind Erwin, who was leading the way, but didn’t see the whole thing, only enough to know that Erwin misjudged a path that they were on, took a corner too sharp, and rolled the snowmobile. He went down the mountainside - Levi is unsure how far - and when Mike reached him, he had been pinned under the machine. Shortly after, Erwin was airlifted to the hospital, and that’s where Mike had called him from. 

While there’s a little piece of Levi that is relieved that Erwin must have talked about him enough for his friend to want to call and let him know, a much larger part is absolutely fucking terrified. Mike assures that Erwin is going to be okay, and Levi ties not to think about Petra’s accident, how she had been “okay” despite sustaining some internal bleeding. Petra had been stable, but suffered unforeseen complications. There was nothing they could have done - nobody saw it coming. And Mike  _ says _ that Erwin will pull through, but will he? Though Levi tries to stay positive, he can’t help but worry. 

The flight is the longest three hours of Levi’s life, and he spends the majority of it checking and rechecking his phone, even though he knows he won’t get any updates until he lands. Again and again, he checks the drive time between the airport and the hospital that Erwin is at, calculating the amount of time that it will take him to get there, and hoping that Erwin will still be stable when he arrives.

If anything happens to him, Levi doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

As soon as his plane lands, Levi is sending a text to Mike, letting him know that he’s on his way. It’s just shortly after midnight, and Levi knows that he won’t be able to visit Erwin at all, but at the very least, he’ll be there. And thankfully, Mike replies almost immediately, informing Levi that he and his girlfriend are still at the hospital.

_ Let me know when you’re here. I’ll come meet you, _ he texts Levi again, as he rushes through the airport, and Levi can’t control the overwhelming sense of comfort that surges through him. Despite having never met his Mike guy before, Levi already likes him. Though he supposes it’s no surprise that Erwin keeps good company. 

With only a backpack full of some clothes tossed haphazardly inside, Levi gets through the airport and into a cab rather quickly, and from there, it only takes about half an hour before he’s nearing the city, and more importantly, the hospital. 

The buildings practically glow as he approaches them, illuminated by softly falling snow and dwarfed by mountains, but Levi doesn’t take the time to appreciate the beauty. Instead, he is preoccupied watching the cab’s route on his phone, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor, and watching the minutes tick by. As soon as he arrives at the hospital, Levi is tossing some cash and a generous tip at the cab driver and shooting Mike a quick text. Then, he’s left hugging his thin jacket to his body while he waits for the not so strange stranger to meet him outside. 

Within minutes, a tall, scruffy looking blonde man steps outside of the building and into the streetlights, and as soon as he sees Levi’s form, he’s waving him over. Levi approaches, nervous and anxious, but as soon as the man’s face comes into full view, it’s much like the first time he saw Erwin - Levi feels comfortable, like he knows him. He attributes that to the fact that he’s been talking to the man for the better part of a day, and thinks nothing of it, shaking Mike’s hand once they finally reach one another.

“It’s good to meet you, Levi,” Mike says in that familiar yet unfamiliar voice. “Let’s go inside.”

And at that, Levi is following him into the building. As expected, they are not allowed to visit Erwin at such a late hour, nor is he ready for visitors that aren’t immediate family members, anyway, but thankfully, unlike last time, Levi isn’t alone. 

Mike introduces Levi to his girlfriend, Nanaba, after giving him an update on Erwin’s condition - which isn’t much of an update, as it turns out - but the comfort and company is nice. Levi quickly learns that Mike is the quiet, stoic type, and he appreciates. It’s a quiet comfort. And even Nanaba, who doesn’t really say much, is good to have around. 

“We have a hotel room down the street,” Mike says, “But I’m sure you want to stay here for the time being, just in case.”

Levi nods, chewing on his bottom lip. Mike can read him easily, and normally, he would feel vulnerable, but it’s oddly comforting, having someone around who understands what he feels without having to say a word. “I’d rather say here,” Levi confirms, and Mike simply nods.

“We weren’t really planning on going anywhere, either,” he says, and just those words are comfort enough.

Levi wants to be angry that spending the night in hospital waiting rooms is becoming a norm for him, but most of all, he’s just concerned. He knows that they won’t receive many updates, and with Erwin’s mother still on her way - it was apparently a bit harder for her to catch a flight than it was for Levi - they’ll have to wait for her to arrive for a decent progress report on Erwin’s current condition.

So they wait.

Eventually, despite the stress and fear, Levi falls asleep in the waiting room, only to be awoken a few hours later by a gentle hand nudging his shoulder. And when he blinks his eyes open, Nanaba is smiling down at him, a coffee cup in hand. 

“Erwin’s mom should be here within an hour or so,” she explains, as Levi takes a sip of instant coffee. “There’s a diner down the street. We were thinking of grabbing something to eat first if you’d like to come with.” At her words, he wonders what time it is, how long he has been asleep, but one glance outside the window tells him that it's at least early morning. The dim light, grey from the clouds overhead tells him that much.

At first, Levi wants to refuse, wants to insist that he’s fine waiting where he is, just in case, but the truth is, he’s exhausted. He hasn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, and he’s sure that he won’t be leaving the hospital after Erwin’s mother arrives, so after a cup of coffee, Levi agrees, and follows Mike and Nanaba out the front doors of the hospital and into the bitter January cold. Not only does it wake him up a little bit, but Levi appreciates the way the morning light shines through the tall buildings, small snow flurries blowing through the air. It’s absolutely stunning, and for a moment, Levi allows himself to appreciate it. For a moment, he tries not to worry too much about Erwin.

_ He’ll be alright _ , he keeps telling himself. 

“So how do you know Erwin?” Nanaba asks, once they’re situated in a corner booth in the diner, her and Mike sitting across from Levi. He doesn’t feel like eating, but he orders something easy to choke down, just to make it through the day.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, almost starts his sentence with  _ “My wife and I,”  _ and then corrects himself before he has the chance. “I recently moved in a few houses down from him, and didn’t really know anyone in the area.” It isn’t the most interesting story, when he tells it like that, but it’s a lot less complicated than telling Erwin’s friends that his wife just passed away and that they fucked a couple of weeks ago, but haven’t spoken since then. And at that thought, Levi swallows down yet another wave of guilt at the fact that he’s been ignoring Erwin ever since. He hasn’t spoken to the man, and now he’s in the hospital.  _ What if something happens and _ -

He’s getting off track. Levi can tell, when he glances up, that Mike and Nanaba have noticed his far-off gaze, but thankfully, they don’t mention it. So instead, he tries to change the subject. “What about you? How do you know him?”

Mike smiles at that, apparently very happy to help Levi think of something other than the intrusive thoughts running through his mind. 

“Erwin and I have known each other for as long as I can remember,” he says with a faraway smile, then quickly adds, “We also went to college here in Colorado together, before he moved to Portland. I bother him about moving back here all the time, but it’s great that he met someone like you while he’s been out there.”

Levi opens his mouth, prepared to ask Mike what he means by that, but as soon as he does, their food is arriving, and the moment is lost. And again, he wonders what Erwin has said about him. Apparently, good things though, if the way that Mike and Nanaba are acting around him is any indication.

When they arrive back at the hospital, Erwin’s mother is already there, sitting in the waiting room where they had been not even an hour ago. She is stunning for her age, with piercing blue eyes just like Erwin, a strong jawline, and thinning blonde hair. And, despite whatever stress she has been under for the past twelve hours, she smiles upon seeing the three of them enter the building.

Erwin’s mother hugs Mike first, obviously already acquainted with him, before he introduces her to Nanaba, and then finally, Levi. And just like Erwin, she is polite when she shakes Levi’s hand, all smiles. “You’re a great friend to come all this way,” she says to Levi. “He’ll pull through, I know it.”

“Are there any updates?” Mike asks at last, before Levi can even get the words out. 

“I just saw him,” she says, nodding, “He isn’t awake yet, but he is stable. They should start allowing other visitors shortly.”

“That’s great!” Mike exclaims. Before he knows what’s happening, a large hand is clapping over Levi’s shoulder, as if in some form of support. “How is he doing?”

“Well…” Erwin’s mother seems hesitant at Mike’s question. She takes a deep breath, exhaling on a sigh. “There were a few complications-”

Levi tenses, fearing the worst, waiting for the words, but they’re not the ones he expects. He doesn’t know what to expect, honestly. 

“Because of the way the vehicle pinned him, they had to amputate his right arm above the elbow,” she explains, surprisingly calm, cutting right to the chase, dropping the bomb. Levi wishes that he possessed the strength that she seems to, though he’s certain that it wasn’t easy news for her to hear at first. He can see the redness around her eyes, a sign that she has likely been crying, but chooses to remain strong for Erwin and his friends. 

Levi, however, can’t help his jaw from dropping, his hand coming up to cover his face. He didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t this. He can’t even begin to imagine it, can’t even begin to picture it, but while he struggles to form a complete thought, Mike is already speaking. 

“Are you doing alright?” He asks in a concerned, low voice, stepping forward to speak with her more privately. To Levi’s surprise, however, she just smiles and nods. 

“As long as he’s going to pull through, I’ll be alright,” she says, “Erwin is strong. I have no doubt that he’ll make it through this. The doctors already informed me of his condition on the phone before I got here, so I’ve had some time to process it. It'll be difficult, but it's not impossible.”

Mike nods, features serious, schooled. He looks deep in thought, likely processing the news in his own way, and as he does so, Levi decides to take a moment to retreat, to take a seat and have a moment to himself. He needs a minute alone to soak everything in, to try to process everything he’s just heard.

Erwin lost an arm. This is something that will never fully heal - he’ll have to deal with it the rest of his life. Levi closes his eyes and tries to picture it, tries to see Erwin looking weak and helpless in a hospital bed, but he just  _ can’t _ . He can’t, and the thought is too much. It has Levi doubling over, his head in his hands. He just needs a moment,  _ just a moment… _

But when he closes his eyes, all he can see is Petra in a hospital bed, assuring him that she’ll be okay. When he closes his eyes, he sees his wife, bloody and lifeless, staring up at him from a forest floor. Bodies, dozens, hundreds of them piled high. He sees Erwin, watching on in horror as he feels himself being pulled away by some unseen force. Erwin’s right sleeve, empty, flapping in the wind…

A hand comes to rest on Levi’s shoulder and he gasps, ripped away from his thoughts, sitting straight up in his seat, eyes wide.

“I’m sorry,” Mike says, at his side. When Levi glances in the direction of his voice, eyes wild, he sees that Mike is now holding his hand up, as if to show he means no harm. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

At Mike’s words, Levi feels himself deflate a little. He sighs, relaxing in his seat once more. He doesn’t quite know where that came from, why he was so startled, what those images meant or if they were just a product of lack of sleep and his mind running away with him. He wants to talk to Erwin - his  _ friend  _ \- and ask him about it, but he can’t. So instead, Levi just shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says, “Just… Shocked.”

Mike hums in understanding. “As am I.”

“You seem to be handling it alright,” Levi says before he has a chance to filter himself. He doesn’t mean for it to come off like it does, like he’s judging Mike for not being as shaken up as he is, but he speaks before he can think. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to bother Mike, either, as he just smiles at Levi’s side.

“His mother is right,” he assures, “Erwin is strong. He’ll be able to make it through this.”

Levi glances at him once more, studying the way he smiles reassuringly. “How can you be so sure?” 

And to that, Mike just shrugs. “I just know.”

A moment of silence goes by before he speaks again, and when he does, Levi feels his adrenaline and nerves spike once more. 

“The doctors say that he can have visitors now,” he announces, “Though it’s unlikely that he’ll be waking up any time soon. He’s pretty heavily medicated.”

At first, the words don’t sound real. He has to be making them up. Nearly twenty four hours, and Levi can finally see the  _ one _ person that means the most to him. He should find it pathetic that he doesn’t have any other close friends, nobody that he would fly across the country for at the drop of a hat, but he can’t bring himself to care. Erwin was there for him when he needed him the most, and Levi needs to return that favor. Not only that, but he wants to see him, talk to him, and apologize for acting the way he has been. If the past few months have taught him anything, it’s that life is too short.

So he doesn’t necessarily care about the second half of what Mike says, just the first. “We can see him?” Levi asks, a poor attempt to mask his excitement, his nerves, his uncertainty, all rolled into one.

Mike breaks out into another smile in response to his question, nodding. “We can,” he confirms, “Would you like to?”

So that’s how Levi finds himself following Mike and a nurse down the hallway, in the direction of Erwin’s room. She’s telling Mike more about his condition as they walk, but Levi doesn’t hear her, doesn’t even try to pay attention. Instead, he just focuses on calming down, reminding himself that this isn’t like the last time, that Erwin will pull through.

The nurse eventually leaves them at Erwin’s doorway, giving them a bit of privacy while the two men visit their friend, and after what feels like forever, Mike pulls the door open, holding it for Levi. And although he’s not sure if he’s ready to see Erwin - confident, strong and charismatic Erwin - covered in tubes and and surrounded monitors, lying weak and battered in a hospital bed, an empty space where his arm used to be, he steps into the room with Mike close behind, takes a deep breath, and opens his eyes.

The second Levi sees Erwin in that hospital bed, he falls to his knees. And in an instant, everything comes rushing back.

* * *

 

_ Light, filtering in from above ground. The way that Isabel would scream with joy when using the maneuver gear, even after Levi had told her multiple times to keep her fucking mouth shut. Farlan’s smug face when he’d catch Levi affectionately tousling Isabel’s hair. They were a family, and then one day, in the blink of an eye green cloaks and blue eyes and promising words changed that. _

_ Levi remembers the feeling of freedom. The way the horizon looked, wide and open, unrestricted by walls. Then, green grass stained with water, mud, and blood that wouldn’t wash away for weeks, no matter how hard he scrubbed. He remembers Isabel’s lifeless eyes, the way Farlan screamed before the end. _

_ Erwin, and his hope for a better future. His sharp tongue and hopeful words that stopped Levi from pressing that blade into his throat. Levi remembers the cut that would stain for years to come, reminding him every day of what almost was, but wasn’t, and everything that could be. _

* * *

 

_ He feels anger, bubbling up into his throat and crawling under his skin.  _

_ “If you think for one fucking second that I buy this shit-” _

_ “You do,” Erwin says before Levi can finish his sentence, “I know you do, or you wouldn’t be here, standing in my office. You’d be gone already.” _

_ It’s been one week since he lost Farlan and Isabel. One week, and Erwin says he wants to put him in a position of power, but Levi knows, deep down, it’s only a tactic to keep him closer.  _

_ “Fuck you,” Levi hisses. _

_ But he doesn’t leave. He never leaves. _

* * *

 

_ He remembers the pain of bruised knuckles, red and purple, shaking it off as he walks into the new Commander’s office.  _

_ “You shouldn’t have provoked them,” Erwin insists, even as he washes Levi’s cuts, bandaging his hands.  _

_ “Bullshit. It wasn’t provoked,” he says, “They were running their mouths.” _

_ “About what?” Erwin asks mindlessly, his eyes never leaving Levi’s hands. _

_ And Levi remembers faltering, stammering. He can’t tell Erwin that they were talking about him, about how he wasn’t fit to be Commander. Erwin is more deserving of the job than anyone. If anyone can free humanity, it’s him. But he can’t say that. He doesn’t. He lets his fists do the talking. _

_ He dwells on the question too long, which causes Erwin to pause, glancing up at him. “Levi?” _

_ “What?” _

_ “What were they talking about?” He repeats.  _

_ “They were talking shit,” he mutters, “They still don’t respect me.” _

_ It’s a lie. Erwin doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t pry. _

* * *

 

_ Levi doesn’t drink. Or, he didn’t when he lived in the Underground. Make one mistake, let your guard slip for one moment, and you’re dead. But, in the safety of the barracks, with Erwin, Mike and Hange alongside him, Levi allows himself to relax. When Mike produces a bottle of liquor one night after a particularly tough expedition, he tells Erwin to grab him a glass, as well. Erwin pauses, shooting him a glance before nodding in understanding. _

_ And for a moment, Levi feels light, carefree. He drinks more than he should, and keeps drinking with Erwin long after Mike and Hange turn in for the night, the bottle almost empty.  _

_ His body feels heavy, and he leans against Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin, usually so stoic and composed, chuckles, throwing an arm around Levi’s shoulders. He’s drunk, too. _

_ “You should let loose more often, Commander,” Levi mutters, “Too much stress’ bad for you.” _

_ Erwin hums thoughtfully at his side. “Same goes for you.” _

_ Levi falls asleep next to Erwin on his sofa that night, and can’t hide the blush on his cheeks when he wakes up next to him. _

* * *

 

_ Heat, burning, bubbling under his skin as Erwin presses him down into the mattress, his every touch setting Levi aflame. His lips graze against Levi’s skin, down his neck, his chest, and Levi squirms against the sensation, gasping.  _

_ “Erwin.” _

_ The hands are soft, skillful. They make Levi feel safe, but make him come alive at the same time. He arches into the touch.  _

_ “Erwin.” _

_ Those same hands are gentle as they card through his damp hair, blue eyes gazing down at Levi as they catch their breath. This time, when they kiss, Levi is pliant, accepts it with ease. _

_ Erwin. _

* * *

 

_ Erwin, asleep in a hospital bed. Face weak, vulnerable. Levi has never seen him like this before, and his chest feels like caving in. But somehow, his legs carry him forward, toward his Commander. His lover. _

_ Levi takes a seat at Erwin’s bedside and takes in the sight of him, weak but alive. Alive, but barely. _

_ Levi reaches out, but his fingers don’t meet Erwin’s. Instead, there’s empty space where his right arm used to be.  _

_Erwin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOH SHIT! It's about damn time, am I right?


	14. Come To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You and me, we've both got sins_   
>  _I don't care about where you've been_   
>  _Don't be sad and don't explain_   
>  _This is where we start again_   
>  _Start again_
> 
> \- [Come To Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8VMYLniuDk) \- Goo Goo Dolls
> 
> I've been putting off posting this chapter because it means I'm one step closer to finishing this, and I've really loved working on this one, but it was definitely one of my favorite chapters to write! Thank you all so much for all the love and for being patient with irregular updates! <3

Everything comes back, and Mike is there to catch Levi when he falls. He isn’t sure how long he is out, what exactly happens, but when Levi comes to, he’s crumbled on the hospital floor, sitting on his knees, and Mike is at his side, his hands holding him up, holding him still. It takes Levi a moment to gather his thoughts, to sort out reality and present day from the images in his head and his other memories, but even now, sitting on the floor, Levi knows one thing for sure: Petra had been right about everything. The first thought that crosses his mind is of a conversation they had one afternoon before their wedding.

_ “Do you believe in past lives?” _

In this moment, Levi wonders if she knew, even back then. Those dreams that Petra had were the same that Levi has been having for months now, were the same images he just saw behind closed eyelids. They shared a past life, he and Petra, he and Erwin, he and - 

_ Mike _ .

Immediately, Levi turns, eyes wide as they land on the man next to him, holding him up and watching him with a concerned gaze. Mike is here, he’s real, everything is real. 

“Oh  _ fuck _ ,” Levi mutters, breathless, in disbelief, and it only takes a second before Mike’s face is breaking out into a wild grin. 

“Welcome back,” he says with a smile, and despite himself, Levi lunges forward wrapping his arms around Mike’s shoulders. Mike doesn’t waste a second before he is hugging Levi back tightly, laughing softly against him. 

It all comes back in that moment, and Levi has never been more grateful for Mike Zacharias. Although they do visit Erwin who, like the doctors said, is still out, heavily sedated, Levi and Mike spend the majority of the visitation sitting in chairs next to the bed catching up. Naturally, Levi has questions, and Mike fills in the blanks. 

“It’s all real,” Levi says in disbelief, eyes fixed on Erwin’s unconscious form. Everything is real, down to the dreams he has been having since he lost Petra. When he came to Erwin and tried to talk to him about those dreams, they weren’t simply dreams. They were memories. 

“It is,” Mike confirms.

“ _ What the fuck _ ,” Levi mutters, earning a chuckle from Mike. “How the hell did we end up here?”

“I’ve been trying to figure that out ever since I remembered,” Mike replies, “I have no idea how it happened, how we made it here, how we found one another…”

“When did you remember?” Levi asks, cutting him off.

“I’m not really sure,” Mike answers, “I just woke up one morning and it was all there.”

“Fucking weirdo, even in this life,” Levi mutters. Mike nudges him in response, and for a short while, they sit in silence. For a few minutes, Levi reflects on his relationship with Mike, how things hadn’t necessarily been easy between them to begin with in the last life. Mike didn’t trust Levi, especially around Erwin, and Levi didn’t blame him. But now, they sit together like old friends, because that’s exactly what they are. Funny how things change. 

“It wasn’t the same after you were gone,” Levi says at last, breaking the silence. 

Mike hums. The truth is, he was taken from them far too soon. He was one of the Survey Corps’ best soldiers. Levi would have gladly laid down his life for him back then, and he likely would now. Mike is a best friend to him, but a brother to Erwin.

_ Erwin _ .

Suddenly, another question lies on the tip of Levi’s tongue. “When did he remember?  _ Does he remember _ ?”

“Yes,” Mike replies immediately, a sigh of relief, “Yeah, he remembers. As far as I know, he has known since he was a child, when his father passed away.”

And _fuck_ , if that doesn’t hit Levi right in the chest. Of course Erwin remembered when he lost his father yet again. It was such a crucial part of his life before, it only makes sense that it would trigger those memories in this life now. But as a child… Levi can only imagine what Erwin went through, both losing his father and remembering the horrors of their past life at the same time. And then, because he can’t help it, his mind wanders to their relationship from a previous life. Had Erwin been searching for him this time around? Did Erwin try to find him? What did he think when he found him, but he was already with someone else?

And then, Levi’s thoughts drift to Petra. Petra, who promised Levi that Erwin would take care of him before she was gone, who knew of his dream of the forest, of his memories of a previous life before he even knew, and  _ fuck _ . He remembers sitting with Petra outside of the Survey Corps headquarters in the rain, when she told him how much Erwin loved him, when he told her all about Isabel, his little sister. There’s no doubt that Petra remembered their past life, even if it was only right before the end. It explains everything, those words they shared, the smile on her face and the way she seemed to accept her death in this lifetime as well, torn away far too soon once again.

_ Fuck _ .

Overcome with emotion, Levi pushes the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to come to terms with everything he just learned, everything he just remembered. For some reason, he was the last to remember, the sight of Erwin’s empty sleeve the memory that finally pushed him over the edge, and he absolutely  _ hates _ himself for not remembering sooner. Was Petra’s smiling face, finally happy in this lifetime not enough for him? Were Ewin’s piercing blue eyes, his voice, soft and passionate in his ear as they made love not enough? Why did it have to be now, after so much has changed?

Now, more than ever, Levi wishes that he could have Petra back, even if just for a moment, to apologize for the fate she was dealt in their past life, for the injustices she faced in this one. She didn’t deserve to be taken away so soon, but it all makes sense now… The way she acted around Erwin, why she wanted him and Levi to be close. And it makes sense why Erwin didn’t try to force himself into Levi’s life this time around. The selfless bastard just wanted him to be happy, even if it meant being with someone else. 

“I know,” Mike’s voice interrupts Levi’s intrusive thoughts, and Levi has never been more happy to hear him speak. “It’s a lot to take in all at once.”

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Levi mutters, head still in his hands, “You think?”

There’s a hand on his back then, soft, gentle, understanding. “You didn’t know,” Mike assures, as if he can read Levi’s mind, as if he understands the inner turmoil he is facing right now. 

“But I should have,” Levi mutters, “Why was none of that worth remembering until now?”

It's all too important, why would he only remember now?

“I wish I had the answer,” Mike replies softly. “Hell, I don’t even understand why we’re here right now, but I know that we were all meant to find each other. You and Petra, Erwin, Nanaba…”

“It isn’t fair,” Levi mutters.

“No,” Mike agrees, “It isn’t. But you have to admit, this life is much better than the last.”

Levi huffs out a soft laugh after a moment. “Shut the fuck up,” he mutters, shaking his head “I’m sure I can still find something to feed you to.”

* * *

 

Over the next few hours, Levi finds himself catching up with Mike and Nanaba. While Erwin is still unconscious, and once Levi finally feels comfortable leaving his side ( _ he’ll be fine, he fucking better be _ ) he accompanies Mike, Nanaba and Erwin’s mother out to lunch. Much of their conversation focuses on current day, as Erwin’s mom obviously doesn’t remember their past life, but Levi is alright with that for now. For now, it gives him time to think about things. Now, it gives him time to come up with the right words to say to Erwin when he finally wakes up, gives him time to let it all sink in. 

After lunch, Levi tags along with Mike and Nanaba to their hotel room to take a quick shower and change clothes, considering he hasn’t done so in over twelve hours. As much as he wants to be at the hospital with Erwin, he needs to take care of himself, too. There’s no questioning whether or not he’ll stay by Erwin’s side throughout all of this, and he needs to be equipped to deal with it. 

Thankfully, he has already done this once before. 

As Levi showers, really truly alone for the first time in over twenty-four hours and alone for the first time since the memories of a past life came flooding back to him, his mind surprisingly feels relatively clear. Sure, he still has questions, and he is certain that the memories will come back to haunt him later at night, when all he can think of are titans and the walls and the loss of so, so many people, but right now, things feel clear for the first time in a long time. Levi tilts his head back and lets the hot water run over his body, and recounts the events of the past few days, eyes closed, body relaxed.

Some would probably say that Levi is taking this far too well - Erwin’s injury, the undeniable truth that reincarnation is real, past lives exist and the fact that his is littered with death, destruction and pain - but it helps that Mike is here, that he in Nanaba are in the next room. It helps that he has already found Erwin in this lifetime, that he’ll likely recover from his injuries and live a full life. 

_ Erwin _ .

As Levi showers, he can’t help the way his thoughts drift to Erwin, then eventually to Mike and Nanaba, to Petra. Erwin remembered when he was merely a kid - same with Mike - and Levi can’t help but wonder what he had to go through, trying to come to terms with this at such a young age. Now, after everything Levi has experienced in life, at this age and with Erwin, Mike, Nanaba and even Petra in this life as well, it’s an easy pill to swallow. But as a kid, with no proof other than the images inside your head? Levi can’t even begin to imagine. 

He also knows that things will never be the same between them again, and Levi would be lying if he said that the realization didn’t come with a thrill of excitement.

* * *

 

Later that afternoon, Levi finds himself alone with Erwin for the first time since arriving at the hospital. The other man is still unconscious, and as Levi sits at his bedside, it feels oddly reminiscent of their past life. He still feels that same dread when he looks at the empty space where Erwin’s arm used to be and still feels regret about not telling him how he really felt about him sooner. For a man who tried to live without regrets, Levi rarely practiced what he preached. He regrets quite a bit, both from this life and his past one, but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation before him.

The fact of the matter is, Erwin is still the same man that Levi fell in love with a lifetime ago. He’s stubborn, brave and kind-hearted, selfless to a fault. Before, Erwin’s self-sacrifice almost got him killed on multiple occasions, likely ended up costing him his life in the long run. Now, things are a little different, but they’re also the same. Instead of laying down his life for humanity, Erwin is a different kind of selfless, always giving back to his students and community whenever he can, befriending Levi despite their past, despite the fact that they were in love once.

Levi talks to Erwin while he sits at his bedside, just like last time, even though he’s sure the other man can’t hear him. “You fucking asshole,” he mutters, “You knew this whole time and didn’t say anything.”

On one hand, Levi wants to hate Erwin for not doing something, but on the other hand, he can’t blame him. What would he say? How could he have even begun to convince Levi that they shared a past life, that reincarnation was real? How could he possibly begin to explain that? Levi understands why he kept his distance, but he can’t help but feel frustrated either. 

Eventually, Erwin does wake up, and one by one, his mother and friends are allowed to visit him. And, despite the fact that he is  _ dying _ to see and talk to Erwin once more, Levi insists that Mike and Nanaba go first. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he’s also fucking terrified of seeing him, both because he’s unsure of what to do or say, and partially because he’s scared that he’ll slip away, just like everyone else Levi has ever loved. 

By the time Mike and Nanaba eventually exit Erwin’s room, he is asleep once more, and Levi almost prefers it that way. While everyone else grabs a bite to eat, Levi quietly slips into Erwin’s room and takes a seat near the foot of the bed, watching, waiting. He wonders what Erwin’s reaction to finding out about the amputation of his arm was. Was he heartbroken? Was he angry? Levi wonders if Erwin still has the same sick sense of humor as he did a lifetime ago, if he thought it was funny when he realized that he was right back where he started.

Levi is unsure of how much time goes by, how much time is spent sitting, watching and waiting for Erwin to wake up. With a lifetime of memories trapped inside of his head, it’s easy to lose track of time. Levi watches Erwin and becomes lost in his memories of a lifetime ago. He remembers how Erwin had been more upset about losing Mike than he had been about his arm, remembers how he had to hold Erwin as he cried. It was the first time Levi ever saw the other man show so much weakness, and it both broke his heart and made him fall in love all over again. At that point, they had already lost so many people, so many friends. Levi’s entire squad,  _ Petra _ , was gone, and now Mike was too.

But things are different now. Although Levi will never stop hating himself for not remembering sooner - maybe he would have cherished his time with Petra in this lifetime more - he knows that this life is far better than the last. Even now, he would choose this life over their last one in a heartbeat.

The one thing that Levi thinks about the most, though, is the fact that he and Erwin still managed to find one another in this lifetime, still managed to connect despite the circumstances. While Levi is certain that Erwin’s memories of their previous life definitely helped, he also knows that his connection with the other man is already much different in this lifetime. It’s much more open, honest. Even now, sitting in this hospital room, Levi is ready to confront his feelings for Erwin head on. He doesn’t want to hide anymore, doesn’t want to live in fear of letting himself love just because he might lose him. Life is too short for that, even this time around.

As he thinks, Levi begins to doze in the chair without even realizing it. In fact, he almost falls asleep, head lulling back against the wall until he hears someone clear their throat. The noise wakes Levi from his daze, but the realization of  _ who _ the noise came from is what  _ really _ wakes him up. 

Just as he opens his eyes and sits up, Erwin speaks. 

“Levi?”

His voice is rough and weak, just like it had been a lifetime ago. And just like back then, Levi wants to tell Erwin not to strain himself, not to talk, but at the same time, he has waited too long, damn it. So instead, Levi sits up, composes himself, and shoots a sleepy Erwin a small smile. “Sup, old man.”

In return, Erwin manages a small, pained smile. It’s obvious that he is still groggy from the medication, likely still in pain, but he seems eager to speak with Levi. Or at least, try to. “Hey,” he rasps, quiet and weak but still very there. 

In that moment, Levi wants nothing more than to leap from his chair, to climb into bed with Erwin and apologize for not remembering sooner, for not being there when he needed him yet again, but he holds himself back for the time being. The last thing he wants to do is excite Erwin or give him a damn heart attack. Baby steps. 

So instead, Levi simply scoots his chair a little closer to the bed, and Erwin watches, wordless. For a minute, the air is quiet between them, but Levi can feel the tension, can feel the unspoken questions. 

Eventually, Erwin is the first to speak. It isn’t until after a nurse comes to check on him and after he sits up slightly in bed, but he is the first to break the silence. “You didn’t have to come.”

Levi wonders if Erwin knows that Mike called him. Mike must have told him, likely didn’t want to surprise him or put too much stress on him. He wonders what Erwin thought when he first heard that he was there, if he was happy or not. Right now, it’s hard to tell. Levi’s chest feels like iron. 

“Yeah, I did,” he argues, voice low. Thankfully, Erwin seems to take his word as law, because after that, he doesn’t argue. In fact, he doesn’t say anything. “You should have been more careful,” he mutters. 

Erwin offers him a regretful smile. “I know.”

And this is it, this is the moment. It’s now or never, if Levi doesn’t tell Erwin that he remembers, it’s only going to be harder, more awkward. But this is perfect, the two of them alone, together again for the first time in what feels like eternity. Levi regrets not returning Erwin’s calls, not spending more time with him before the holidays, before history repeated itself, but he can’t change that now. He can only move forward. 

“It’s one thing to do it once,” Levi says, voice careful, a small smile almost threatening to give him away. “But twice?”

Erwin doesn’t seem to catch his train of thought at first, eyes narrowing in confusion, and that only makes Levi feel a bit more confident. 

“It’s the same fucking arm, too,” he mutters. 

And then, it all seems to click into place. Narrowed eyes and furrowed brows turn into a gaping jaw and a voice filled to the brim with emotion. “Levi…” he whispers, unbelieving. 

Unwilling to let his emotions get the best of him though, Levi simply keeps talking. “You’re lucky I’m a physical therapist this time around,” he teases, “Cause we only got one good fuck in, and I’m not doing all the work-”

“Levi.”

“You’re going to have to pull your weight-”

“ _ Levi _ .”

“ _Yeah_?” Finally, he stops talking. Finally, Levi lets his eyes meet Erwin’s and when they do, it feels like coming home. It feels like he knew all along, like they were always connected like this. Hell, in a way, they were. He can’t help the smile that begins to form, the tears that threaten to fall.

Erwin doesn’t seem to know what to say either. Instead, he just smiles, emotion brimming in his eyes, color dusting his cheeks.

Levi lets out a breathless, relieved laugh, muttering, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Erwin murmurs in response.


	15. Fly Back To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _To be your current location fly back to me_   
>  _Fly back to me_
> 
> _Fly back to me come back to me then stay with me_
> 
> [Current Location](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PUTnwz3YSU) \- LANY
> 
> First off, thank you SO MUCH for being patient in between updates. The past few weeks have been crazy busy, but now that things are winding down a little, I've had some time to work on this. It's a small lil' chapter, but I hope it'll hold you over till the next one. And if it makes you feel better, I've decided to extend this for an extra chapter because I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to it yet, so you've still go two chapters! Yay! 
> 
> I know you're dying for some more interaction between Levi and Erwin, so there's some here and plenty more planned! Thanks again, you're all amazing. xo

The way that past intermingles with present is the strangest and the hardest part about remembering. Sitting in that hospital room, talking with Erwin, eyes trained on the space where his arm used to be, Levi can’t help but feel like he’s back in the Survey Corps infirmary once more, listening to Erwin talk about his father’s theories about the titans and the walls, much too excited for a man who just lost an arm. He’s reminded of the way that Erwin eventually broke down in his arms when he learned of Mike’s passing - his best friend, killed when he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

But this is different, Levi reminds himself. This life is full of much more happiness than pain. Things are much easier here, this time around. Or at least, they should be.

At first, Levi’s mind feels clear when he remembers, as if someone turned on the lights in a dark room filled with old scrapbooks, photos, diaries, memories of a lifetime ago. But after a few days, hell, even a few hours, the light begins to feel like too much. It’s all too much, too fast, and Levi wonders if Erwin and Mike dealt with this too. Is this how Petra felt, as well? Was that why she wasn’t making much sense before she passed? Was she just remembering for the first time, too?

Levi shakes the thought from his head. The last thing he’d want for Petra is her to remember her horrible past life, torn away too soon, before meeting a similar fate in this lifetime. It isn’t fair, but hell, life never is. 

Shortly after Levi reveals the truth to Erwin - that he remembers their past life together, every single piece of it - he is ushered from the room by nurses with a promise that he’ll be able to visit again very soon. In a past life, Levi would have told them to fuck off, that if they needed to do or say anything to Erwin, they could do it while he was in the room, but he’s understanding this time around, and the look that he shares with Erwin as he leaves says that this won’t be the last time they talk about things. There’s  _ so much _ to discuss. Some of it, Levi is excited to talk about, some, he’d rather leave in the past. 

Between visiting hours, Levi finds himself spending time with Mike and Nanaba, whether it’s just talking in the waiting room, wandering around Denver, or grabbing a cup of coffee from the bakery down the street. While he wants to say it’s because he wants to spend time with his friends and catch up, it’s also partially because he doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts again. Although the last time he was alone wasn’t terrible, Levi is worried that, now that things have had time to settle, the memories of a past life will haunt him, taunt him, demand to be heard. And some of them, he doesn’t care to remember. 

But even in Mike and Nanaba’s company, Levi’s thoughts drift. It’s weird, past memories mingling with ones from this lifetime. Aside from Erwin, Levi’s mind wanders to his time with Petra, how bittersweet it was, because although he was able to give her happiness in this life, he wishes he could have given her more. Why couldn’t he remember his past life when he met Petra for the first time? Why wasn’t he able to appreciate their relationship to its full extent?

He knows the answer to this, but he doesn’t want to admit it. The fact of the matter is, it was the memory of Erwin losing his arm,  _ Erwin _ and Erwin alone that brought everything back. And he hates to admit it, but if he would have remembered his past life back then, he would have never ended up marrying Petra, because he would have been too busy looking for Erwin, holding onto the hope that he’d find him once more in this life. The cruel irony there is the fact that he never would have found Erwin if that  _ was _ the case, as he only moved to Portland because his wife - because  _ Petra _ \- wanted to.

Life is cruel, and so is love. That’s something this life and Levi’s past one have in common.

* * *

 

“Did you try to find anyone?” Levi asks Mike one evening over drinks. They’re sitting in some small, shitty dive bar down the street while Nanaba naps in the hotel room. It has been two days since Erwin woke up, two days since Levi remembered, but neither he nor Mike have mentioned leaving. It goes unspoken that they will stay until they are certain that Erwin will be alright. 

And over the past two days, Levi has had plenty of time to think about things, to reply nearly every memory of his past life, from his childhood up until the moment he died. He remembers his mother - another bittersweet memory - and Kenny, who he has never felt more grateful for in his life. He remembers the first time he met Erwin and Mike, the hatred that he harbored for them until he finally fully understood their mission, their reason for waking up every single morning. It all comes back to Levi, every little seemingly insignificant memory, and though it can be overwhelming, it’s also remarkable. As much as Levi wants to resent it - he almost wishes he never remembered - he also wants to talk about it. 

Mike nods. “Of course. It didn’t really occur to me that I would find anyone in this lifetime, but as soon as Erwin and I crossed paths, we looked everywhere.”

“I bet you almost shit yourself when you ran into him,” Levi says with a smile.

Mike laughs loudly in response, head thrown back. “Yeah,” he says, “It definitely came as a shock to me.”

Levi raises his eyebrows at Mike’s wording. “Not to Erwin?”

“No…” Mike’s demeanor changes almost immediately, his smile morphing into something a little more somber, far away. “I think Erwin was always looking for something. Someone.”

Mike’s wording doesn’t really leave any room for questions.  _ Erwin was always looking for you _ .

Levi doesn’t think of himself as cocky or even overly confident, but he isn’t surprised. Erwin was always the type to hope for something more, to set outlandish goals for himself. 

“It’s strange,” Levi mutters, eyes suddenly drawn to the drink in front of him, rather than Mike, who sits at his side, “That all of us have always been so close to one another all this time. What are the fucking odds?”

Mike hums, nodding. “Like it was meant to be.”

Levi huffs. “Past lives are one thing,” he teases, “Now you’re telling me you believe in fate?”

To Levi’s surprise, Mike takes his words to heart. He shrugs, considering them for a moment. “It wouldn’t be the hardest pill to swallow,” he offers. “How else do you explain all of us meeting like this?”

“I don’t know,” Levi mutters, “But it’s not fair if it’s true. It’s not fair that I - that Petra -” 

He can’t finish his words, his thought, but thankfully, Mike seems to understand. He doesn’t say anything at first, doesn’t try to soothe Levi’s emotions or comfort him, and Levi appreciates it. He’d rather work things out on his own. He’d doesn’t want comfort or reassuring words. He wants this life to be better than the last, more fair to those who deserved it. 

But you don’t always get what you want. 

After a long silence, Levi speaks up once more. “What was his reaction like?” he asks, “When he found me and Petra?”

Mike smiles fondly. Before answering, he finishes off his beer, orders another round, and then says, “He was ecstatic.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Mike shakes his head, “First and foremost, he was just excited that he found both of you.”

“But…” Levi senses it coming. There’s a catch. 

It takes a little bit to get the words out of Mike, who sets his lips in a firm line, “Levi -”

“Things were different back then,” Levi assures. He’s certain that Mike is hesitant to tell him how Erwin felt because it has to do with Petra, because they were together back then, because she was  _ alive _ back then. He and Mike haven’t discussed her passing much, and he prefers it that way. He’d rather not talk about it. “I can take it.”

Mike sighs. “He was… Well, I can’t speak for him, but if I had to guess, I’d say he was heartbroken.”

The admission both stings and soothes Levi at the same time.

“But,” Mike continues, “He was determined to be part of your life, even if it was just as a friend. He… Levi, he  _ really _ wanted you to be happy this time around.”

Of course. Erwin, always the selfless bastard, wanted what was best for someone else before himself. Because neither he nor Petra remembered back then, Erwin was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for theirs. 

Levi shakes his head, “What an idiot.”

Mike can’t help but huff out a soft laugh in response. “Some things never change.”

Levi huffs. “Apparently.”

In the next few minutes, Levi and Mike receive another round of drinks, and although Levi doesn’t want to feel like he’s self-medicating, like alcohol can make this better, he accepts the drink eagerly, telling himself that it’s good to catch up with his old friend. Plus, they have plenty to talk about. They might as well do it over drinks. 

For every question that Mike answers, Levi finds a new one. Why did they each remember when they did? Why was it that Levi’s memories came so late in his life, whereas Mike’s returned before he even met anyone from his past life? Why did Petra remember right before she passed? 

More importantly, what does it all mean? If reincarnation exists - which it obviously does - what does that mean for their past lives? There is no history of titans in this lifetime, so are they in the past? Has it all just been erased from the history books? (Honestly, Levi wouldn’t be surprised, considering the shit he dealt with before.) Or is this some sort of parallel universe? Is this the end of the line, or will they be reincarnated into another life after this, forced to find one another and remember all over again?

He and Mike discuss this well into the night and wind up with more questions than answers, but above everything, it just feels good to be able to talk about things, to voice his questions and concerns to listening ears. And by the time Levi retreats to his hotel room that evening, only a few doors down from his friends, he can’t help but feel grateful for Mike and glad that Erwin has had him in this lifetime.

* * *

 

Four days after Erwin awakes, he is in much better shape than Levi first saw him, and the doctors eventually move him out of the ICU, which brings Levi’s stress levels down more than he’d care to admit. Visiting hours become more relaxed and although Erwin’s mother still remains in town, likely until Erwin is out of the hospital, she doesn’t fight his friends for time with her son. This, thankfully, allows Levi and Erwin plenty of time to catch up.

That afternoon, Levi picks up lunch for himself at some hole in the wall burger joint down the street, and after a little bit of coaxing (and begging) he shares some fries with Erwin. 

“You don’t have to stay,” Erwin says around a mouthful of greasy french fries that likely aren’t good for someone in his shape. 

(The things Levi will do for this man.)

Levi sits at his left side, gazing down at his hand. He tries not to look at the space where his right one used to be. Although he’s accustomed to seeing Erwin like this, it still doesn’t feel right. It’s not fair, and he knows that empty space all too well. 

“Yeah, I do,” Levi mutters, avoiding Erwin’s gaze for the time being, “I’m not leaving again.” Levi is referring to the first time that Erwin lost his arm, how he had been forced to leave while Erwin was still recovering, when he would have preferred to remain at his side until he was well again. 

Erwin reaches out at that, his knuckles brushing Levi’s. And Levi, against his better judgement, laces their fingers loosely together. They haven’t discussed what exactly they are, what exactly this means for them, but that can wait for the time being. “You’re stubborn,” Erwin remarks.

Levi huffs. “Yeah, well…” 

He doesn’t finish his thought, but unsaid words hang in the air. 

_ Yeah, well I am when it comes to you.  _

For a moment, things go quiet between the two men, and Levi revels in the silence. He was never allowed a moment like this with Erwin. Or, they were fleeting, few and far between. It was so hard to escape and share some silence together. 

But eventually, Erwin breaks it. He wiggles his fingers in Levi’s grip, then squeezes his hand. “When did you remember?” he asks, voice soft, gentle. It says that if Levi doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t have to. 

The option is tempting, but he doesn’t want to hide anything from Erwin, doesn’t want to hold back. Not this time around. So instead, Levi clears his throat and answers, “When I saw you here. Like this.”

Finally, Levi looks up at Erwin, and the expression on the other man’s face says it all. It’s etched with both surprise and sorrow, as if he expected Levi to have remembered before now, as if he didn’t want him to remember like this. Of all things to jog his memory…

“So when you flew out here -”

“I didn’t know,” Levi confirms before Erwin can finish asking his question.

Erwin gapes for a split second, then schools his features. “I didn’t think…”

_ I didn’t think you cared enough to come. _

_ I didn’t think you’d come unless you remembered.  _

Levi swallows. Not coming was never an option to Levi, and maybe it’s because he already felt drawn to Erwin because of their past life, or maybe (and likely) it’s because Levi had already started to fall for him a second time, even without the memories of their past.

So when Erwin asks the next question, Levi almost wants to smack him. “Why did you come?”

Instead, he simply scoffs at the other man. “God, you haven’t changed at all, have you?” And when Erwin just looks at him, he rolls his eyes, “I came out here because I  _ care _ about you, you self-deprecating asshole. Memories or not.”

When Erwin laughs, it sounds relieved, and Levi’s words, while harsh, are well-meaning.

* * *

 

Eventually, Levi does go home. Erwin is on the road to recovery, and the fact of the matter is, life has to go on - Levi has to go back to work - so at the end of the week, he flies back to Portland. It’s with a heavy heart, and Levi doesn’t necessarily want to leave Erwin’s side, but he’s in capable hands - Mike even promises to update Levi daily until Erwin can come home. And although it makes him feel like an overprotective parent, it also helps ease his nerves. 

Over the next couple of weeks, Levi and Erwin talk on the phone nearly every day, and slowly, Levi eases back into his usual routine. It’s weird, going back to normal after so much has changed, but Levi manages. Sometimes, it’s overwhelming, and many nights, he finds himself lying on the sofa and thinking about the past rather than doing anything else, but over time, it becomes easier. Alone with his thoughts, Levi wonders how Erwin dealt with this harsh reality as a child, how he, Mike and even Nanaba managed to move forward even though they didn’t find anyone from their past lives until later on down the line, and it’s because of this that Levi feels grateful for his circumstances for the first time in a long time. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t have Erwin, if he didn’t have Mike or Nanaba to remind him that he’s not crazy. 

When Erwin eventually does return home, it’s nearly two weeks after Levi, and it’s with Mike in tow to help him get situated. And although Levi stops by to see if they need anything the evening they arrive, he is also sure to give him his space while Mike is still in town. The one time Levi does spend an evening with Erwin and Mike, he shares a few beers with Mike and orders a pizza for Erwin, who passes out on the sofa early into the night thanks to his heavy duty pain killers. 

“Take care of him for me,” Mike says to Levi a few days later before he catches a cab back to the airport to fly home back to Colorado. His departure is bittersweet - he has been a strong support system for Levi since remembering - but it comes with promise, too. 

Levi scoffs. “Like we won’t be seeing you soon,” he mutters, stepping forward to hug his friend. And it’s with a warm heart that Levi realizes that this is what he has been missing all of these years - the connection he had with friends like Mike, Nanaba, even Hange, who he finds himself thinking about frequently now. It’s why he bonded with Petra and Erwin so quickly, even before he remembered his past life. 

A few hours after Mike leaves, and after quite a few pep talks, Levi finally musters up the courage to walk over to Erwin’s house. It’s not that he’s necessarily nervous about seeing the other man, but they also haven’t necessarily been alone since Erwin was in the hospital, and though they have spoken frequently since then, they haven’t discussed the elephant in the room - that being the status of their relationship, or whatever it is they may have. Levi understands that it’s a fucked up situation already - he only recently lost his wife and Erwin is still recovering from a life-threatening injury - but even with the onslaught of memories and repressed feelings to deal with, it’s all Levi has been able to think about. 

Somehow, he and Erwin managed to find one another again in this lifetime, and, against all odds, they managed to end up together again, in one way or another. Long before Levi knew that his dreams were in fact memories, he found himself drawn to Erwin, attracted to Erwin, and now he only feels it tenfold.

So yeah, he’s nervous when he rings the doorbell, but those nerves quickly dissipate when the door opens to reveal Erwin’s smiling face. “Levi,” he says fondly, opening the door wider, “I’m glad you came by. I was actually -”

Levi doesn’t let him finish. Before Erwin can even get a full sentence out, Levi is reaching forward, grabbing the collar of his shirt and dragging him down for a sudden, sloppy kiss, hoping that he hasn’t misread things, hoping that Erwin still wants this, too. And although Erwin is still for a moment, he eventually reacts, returning the gesture and leaning into the kiss, wrapping his remaining arm around Levi’s waist. 

And as they kiss, everything seems to click into place. 


	16. As You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Meet me as you are_  
>  _Slow speak with your heart_  
>  _I'm so sorry we tried so hard_  
>  _Meet me as you are_  
>  \- [As You Are](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtSZOuCIWb0) \- Night Riots
> 
> First off, HELLO I AM ALIVE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME. This update took a hell of a lot longer than I expected it to. Right after I posted the last chapter, I got a really cool job opportunity, but it ended up making me super busy up until the beginning of December, and then at that point I had to catch up on a million other things. But I'm here!
> 
> This chapter is kind of a beast, and it's one of my favorites, so I hope it makes up for the long wait. 
> 
> Second, I am working on, and about halfway finished with another fic that I'll hopefully start posting as soon as this one is finished (one more chapter after this one, ahh!). So keep an eye out for that. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for all of the love, encouragement and patience you've given me. I'm so excited to share the end of this story with you. The chapter after this one will serve as a little epilogue.

It’s difficult at first. It was last time, and in some ways, this time around is no different.

Although Erwin is no stranger to losing an arm, it only makes things slightly easier this time around. He knows what to expect, isn’t surprised when he wakes in the middle of the night, screaming in agony because of his phantom limb, at the memory of his arm being ripped from his body, or the more recent one of being crushed underneath a vehicle, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s still frustrating, getting used to life without his dominant hand. Despite the fact that mentally, he has been through this all before, his body is not prepared. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a limb, really.

It’s difficult, but it’s not without small victories. Levi helps quite a bit, naturally. He spends the night at Erwin’s after Mike flies back to Colorado that first evening, and when Erwin jolts awake in the middle of the night in agonizing pain, Levi is there to calm and soothe him.

And Levi hadn’t been joking when he mentioned that it was a good thing he was a physical therapist this time around, either. As soon as Erwin gets the go-ahead from his doctors, Levi is there for him, ready to help him get better, ready to help him get his life back on track. Levi is gentle, but pushes Erwin when he needs it, patient but knows when Erwin needs a little bit of tough love. Because of the injury, Erwin is unable to return to work for the rest of the year, and while he hates the fact that he has to be away from his students, Levi insists that it’s necessary.

Gradually, things do get easier, and it goes much faster this time around. Modern medicine is not only a miracle worker, but it’s much easier to heal when you’re not fighting a corrupt government, being tortured or leading an army into battle. That, and healing comes easier with Levi at his side, coaching him through physical therapy, urging to push himself when he needs to and coaxing him to relax when necessary. It’s slow going, but it’s bearable this time around. He has Levi with him this time around, and he never realized how much he could have used him before until now. 

But despite the fact that Levi is around more than he isn’t, he and Erwin haven’t necessarily been romantic since the accident. It’s not that they don’t  _ want  _ to be - Levi certainly wants to, that’s for sure - but Erwin’s recovery comes first and foremost. Although Levi spends most nights at Erwin’s house, the most they’ve done is cuddle and make out a little while watching movies on Erwin’s sofa. And that’s great for a few weeks, even a couple of months, but after a while, Levi can’t help but want to move forward. 

Thankfully, in mid April, Erwin makes it apparent that he wants those same things. 

They’re eating breakfast in Erwin’s kitchen early one Thursday morning, knees knocking under the kitchen table when he brings it up. “Do you have any plans for this weekend?” he asks, voice light. 

Levi shrugs. His eyes are trained on his phone as he eats, reading an important email or article, but when Erwin speaks, he sets the device down and glances in his direction. “I dunno,” he mutters, “I was thinking of seeing what I can do to speed up the process of getting you fitted for that prosthetic. They’re really dragging their asses on it.” 

“Aside from work,” Erwin coaxes, smiling a bit at Levi’s eagerness, “Do you have anything planned?”

Levi eyes him for a moment, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. For a moment, he contemplates mentioning that it isn’t work, when it comes to Erwin, but decides against it. Even now, it’s still a little hard for him to open up, to be completely transparent about his feelings for the other man, despite how close they may be, despite how comfortable things are now. “No, I guess not,” he answers finally, “Why?”

“Well,” Erwin swallows, suddenly nervous. He doesn’t know why, when Levi obviously has feelings for him, wouldn’t be here if he didn’t. “I was thinking that possibly, we could go out.”

“Yeah, sure,” Levi shrugs. It takes a moment, and some gentle coaxing from Erwin, for the full implications of his words to sink in. 

Erwin clears his throat. “I mean, I want to take you on a proper date, Levi.” 

And at that, Levi raises his eyebrows, muttering out a soft, “ _ Oh _ .” 

It isn’t really the right reaction to fully express what he’s feeling - elation, embarrassment, excitement - but Levi doesn’t have the time to really process it before he breaths out the one syllable, before he finds himself gaping slightly at Erwin, who simply smiles in return. “If you want to, of course,” Erwin insists, to which Levi finally comes back down to earth.

A lifetime ago, Levi never thought about  _ dates _ , about eating breakfast and making small talk with Erwin. They never had the time, never even entertained the idea of properly courting one another. It was life or death but this… This is different. 

Levi snorts, because it’s the most logical thing to do at Erwin’s uncertainty - as if he  _ wouldn’t _ want to go on a date with him. “Yeah,” he mutters, “Shit, yeah. Of course, Erwin. Whatever you want to do, I’m game.”

So a few nights later, that’s how Levi finds himself arriving at Erwin’s place, dressed a bit nicer than usual, in a simple charcoal button-down and some nice fitting black jeans. His hair is pushed back, out of his face - Erwin recently mentioned that he likes it when Levi wears it that way - and surprisingly, he actually feels a bit nervous when he rings Erwin’s doorbell. It feels so trivial, so small and insignificant - a simple date, Levi has been through much worse - but his heart pounds as he waits for Erwin to come to the door, and it nearly leaps out of his chest when it opens, revealing his former Commander (his best friend, his lover) standing on the other side, beaming down at him. 

Erwin looks… Well, he looks fucking  _ good _ . Opting to go with something a bit more colorful than Levi, he wears a forest green sweater underneath a nice peacoat - something simple, easy to get in and out of (button-up shirts are a little outside of Erwin’s skill level for the time being) but still nice, nonetheless. He looks perfectly put together, as usual, not a hair out of place, and Levi doesn’t even realize he’s gaping until Erwin speaks. “Shall we?”

Picking his jaw up off the floor, Levi shakes himself out of it. “You ready?”

“Yes,” Erwin replies, still smiling, but Levi doesn’t miss the way he looks him up and down, drinking in the sight. 

Thankfully, the evening passes with ease. Although Levi isn’t accustomed to  _ dating,  _ never really had to court Petra _ \-  _ and let’s be honest, Erwin isn’t either - it almost feels like any other evening, any other dinner shared between friends before things got complicated and then simple all over again. The only difference this time around - aside from the fact that they find themselves sitting in a significantly nicer restaurant than usual - is that Erwin and Levi feel at ease around one another. There’s no skirting around uncertainty and unrequited feelings. Instead, Erwin feels confident when he reaches out, letting his fingers brush Levi’s from across the table while they sip wine and wait for their dinner. And Levi is quick to return the gesture, turning his palm to accommodate the touch, to open up just a little bit more. 

“How is the pain today?” Levi asks partway through appetizers, referencing Erwin’s injury. 

Erwin offers Levi a polite smile. “It feels better than usual,” he answers honestly, “But I’d rather not talk about it right now. You don’t need to work.”

Levi huffs. “I’m always working.”

“Well, take a break,” Erwin offers, “For tonight.” 

And when Levi still doesn’t bend, considering Erwin’s words but not quite conceding, he adds, “If I need you, I’ll let you know. But I don’t want to think about that tonight.”

Apparently, that’s good enough for Levi, thankfully. At that, he offers Erwin a nod. “Alright, so what do you want to talk about?” he asks, “I’m not sure how this whole  _ dating  _ thing is supposed to go.”

Erwin chuckles. “Me neither. I suppose we’re both new to this.”

Before Levi can stop himself, he raises his eyebrows and asks, “ _ Really _ ? You haven’t - not even this time around?”

Erwin simply shrugs. “It didn’t appeal to me.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Is that because you’re picky as fuck, or because you’re too hard on yourself?” 

Erwin chuckles, only interrupted when the waiter comes to check on them. “Neither,” he answers once they’re alone again, “I suppose I was just waiting for the right person.”

Levi scoffs. “Don’t you give me that sappy bullshit, Erwin Smith. You can’t tell me that you haven’t been attracted to anyone else.”

“I never said I was talking about you,” Erwin teases, smirking when Levi raises his eyebrows in surprise. But then, he adds, “Of course I’ve found other people attractive, but I never felt the urge to get to know anyone further than I already did. I knew that the possibility of finding you, or anyone else for that matter was slim, but it was definitely a factor.”

“Prude,” Levi teases around a bite of calamari.

“Tease,” Erwin counters. Levi nearly chokes around a laugh. 

It’s then that the conversation takes a serious turn, though, Levi understanding that Erwin wanted to spend time with him like this to better understand their relationship outside of physical therapy and reminiscing over old memories. They haven’t really had the chance to discuss  _ everything _ since the accident.  

“When Petra and I started dating, we didn’t really go on dates,” Levi admits, “We were such good friends that it sort of just  _ happened _ . It was natural.”

Erwin nods, but he completely misunderstands Levi’s point. “I apologize if this feels a bit forced -”

“It’s not,” Levi insists immediately, “That’s not what I meant. This is different. This is…  _ Fuck _ , Erwin. I don’t know. Nothing between us has ever been normal, but it’s not forced.”

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks, curious. 

Levi shrugs. “I dunno. Like, last time, I don’t think we ever really talked about it. One day it just  _ clicked _ . Am I wrong?”

Erwin smiles, remembering. It wasn’t always healthy, and yeah, it was a little awkward at first, Levi searching Erwin out for a quick fuck, then for a conversation, for company, but it felt right. “No, you’re not wrong.”

“And then this time,” Levi continues, “Before I remembered… The attraction was there, whether I wanted to admit it or not. It was confusing, but it felt right, and now I guess I know why.”

“We’ve never been conventional,” Erwin offers.

Levi laughs. “You can say that again.” But then, after a beat of silence, he reaches across the table, his fingers brushing Erwin’s for the second time that night. It’s a display of affection that Levi normally wouldn’t demonstrate. 

“This may be a lot of different things, but it’s not forced,” he mutters, “I think this is something that we could have used a long time ago.”

Erwin smiles. “Are you saying that you would have said yes, had I asked you on a date in a past life?”

Levi laughs. “I probably would have given you shit, but yeah. Yeah, I would have.”

“Then we’re making up for lost time,” Erwin says with a smile, squeezing Levi’s hand before releasing it. 

Originally, they had planned on catching a movie after dinner, but considering the conversation over italian food and the fact that the two men would rather enjoy one another’s company, rather than sitting quietly in a dark room for the better half of two hours, they instead find themselves walking through downtown after dinner. And a few blocks away from where Levi parked, when Erwin reaches for his hand to lace their fingers together, Levi accepts the gesture. It’s cheesy and romantic - going for a nice stroll together after dinner - but it’s also a nice change of pace. Erwin is right, they’re making up for lost time.

Shortly after, the two finally head back to Erwin’s car and make the trek back home, and wordlessly, Levi decides that he’ll be staying the night at Erwin’s tonight. The other man hasn’t asked him yet, but after a night like this, Levi doesn’t want to go home. He doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to soak up Erwin’s warmth in bed later that night, wants to kiss him and hold him and appreciate the little things they never had in a previous life, things they haven’t had in this life until now. 

“Tonight was… It was really good,” Levi says, breaking the comfortable silence in the car when they’re about halfway back to Erwin’s place. He feels the need to tell him, to assure him that this is good, this is something they needed, even if they’re not used to it. Even if  _ dating _ feels weird, after everything they’ve been through.

At a stoplight, Erwin reaches across the center console to place his hand on Levi’s knee, squeezing gently. “I’m glad you had a good time, Levi. I did too. Would you -”

“Yeah,” Levi answers before the question even leaves Erwin’s lips, knowing what’s coming next. “I wanna come over.”

And Erwin’s smile only widens. 

It’s difficult at first, but in quiet, comfortable moments like this, it makes everything worth fighting for. The waiting, the pain, even the regrets of a past lifetime and a current one. Levi knows, sitting next to Erwin on the car ride home that the warm feeling in his chest is love - he’s felt it for a lifetime now - but he doesn’t say it. Not yet.

Instead, Levi quietly follows Erwin inside, fingertips grazing his when a hand is offered. Instead, Levi simply helps Erwin out of his coat and closes the front door behind them, expecting a quiet night cap on the sofa with some wine and a movie. What he gets as he hangs Erwin’s coat up on the hook next to the door, however, is the other man’s weight against his own, his tall, lean body pressed against his own. Before Levi knows what’s happening, he’s being kissed, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t arch up into the contact after a brief moment of surprise. 

Erwin is gentle, but urgent all the same. He reaches down to softly cup Levi’s face, his thumb grazing his cheekbone, but his lips are heavy, full of intent, and Levi knows where this is going long before they part, before they exchange any heated glances or reassuring words. He and Erwin have been doing this dance since he came back home, since Levi remembered. The attraction has always been there, Levi even said so earlier in the night, but he also understands that things haven’t necessarily been easy lately. First and foremost, both men were focused on Erwin’s recovery after he returned home from Colorado. Even as things got easier and he slowly became accustomed to life with only one arm once more, there was no need to rush anything. That, and if Erwin is the same man that Levi fell in love with this time around, then Levi knows that deep down, he has likely felt a little self-conscious after the accident and guilty after Petra’s passing. 

So as they kiss against the door, Levi is sure to put everything he has into it, as if that’ll prove to Erwin what he feels, what he  _ wants _ . He lets Erwin take the lead, opening his mouth eagerly to deepen the kiss and holding onto his arm, anchoring him in place, but he isn’t passive by any means, arching forward to nip teasingly at Erwin’s lip, pressing himself impossibly closer to the other man.

When Erwin does eventually pull away, he lingers, hand remaining on Levi’s face, foreheads pressed together. He’s breathless, Levi can tell by the way his body heaves, by the heat of his breath on his own lips, but Levi isn’t so composed himself. In fact, he wants nothing more than to drag Erwin off to his bedroom and do something that they should have done months ago, but he  _ waits. _ He waits for Erwin to give him the reassurance that he needs. 

Thankfully, it comes sooner than he expected. 

“Levi,” Erwin murmurs, voice soft, breathless. “I want -”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Levi cuts him off. When he nods, his head slips between Erwin’s chin and his chest, finding yet another way to press himself closer, voice muffled against his shirt. “I want you.”

Erwin’s chest rumbles underneath Levi when he chuckles, his fingers moving to run through his hair briefly before they part. And when they do, the look they share is one of understanding, but also incredibly heated. Before he knows what’s happening, he’s being kissed again, and this time, Erwin isn’t gentle about it, so neither is Levi. In no time, he finds himself pulling at the other man’s clothing, gripping onto any exposed skin that he can find, tilting his head back and gasping when Erwin pulls away to nibble down his jawline and kiss at his neck. 

“ _ Erwin _ ,” Levi gasps, “Erwin… Bedroom, come on.”

And before long, they’re finding their way blindly down the dim hallway, pulling at one another’s clothing. By the time they reach Erwin’s bed, Levi is shirtless and working on making sure that Erwin is as well before pressing a firm palm on his chest and pushing him backwards. Erwin falls onto his bed with a huff, and when he gazes up at Levi with low eyes, Levi takes it as his cue to climb over him. 

This is much different than last time, Levi realizes, as he reaches down, teasingly palming Erwin through his slacks, listening to him gasp below him. Everything has changed since last time, and nothing will ever be the same, and Levi’s heart swells at the realization, pausing as he hovers over Erwin. 

There is no other person that he’d rather be with, here and now, than Erwin. Erwin, the man that he’d trust with his life time and time again, who he’d walk through hell and back for. Erwin is lying underneath him, pliant and breathless, and the realization hits Levi like a truck, knocking the air out of his lungs.

_ He loves him _ .

Erwin immediately notices the pause and sits up on his elbow, concern etched across his face. “Levi?” he asks, “Is everything okay?”

Shaking himself out of it, Levi nods quickly, leaning down to press a quick kiss to Erwin’s lips. “Everything’s perfect,” he mutters. And that must be enough for Erwin, who wraps his arm around Levi’s waist at that, holding him close as their kisses become heavier and heated once more. 

Before long, Erwin is breathless and gasping underneath him again as Levi grinds their hips experimentally together, and it’s in that moment that Levi wants nothing more than to take Erwin apart. He wants to relearn Erwin’s body, map out every inch of skin and find what makes him tick. He wants to make him gasp and moan and beg for release, wants to finger him until he’s begging for his cock and fuck him until he’s crying into the sheets… but, as Levi teases the larger man, who seems to fall apart underneath him at even the lightest touch to the hard outline of his cock, he makes a decision. 

As Levi slowly unbuttons Erwin’s slacks, sliding them down and off of his hips when he obliges and lifts them up, he wants nothing more than to watch him come apart underneath him, but if Levi knows the other man, he knows that that’s unfortunately not what he needs right now. If this is the same Erwin from a lifetime ago - which Levi is learning day after day that it is - then he likely feels a lack of control after losing his arm, whether he wants to admit it or not. He puts on a brave face and doesn’t ask for help, but if Levi knows him, then he knows that he feels weak, and Levi taking care of him, babying him, or even fucking him into the mattress like he wants to right now is probably the last thing he needs. 

So instead, Levi begins kissing down Erwin’s neck and chest as he runs a teasing finger along the hard outline of his cock through his underwear. Erwin’s hips lift against the touch and he sighs out a soft moan, and while Levi smirks against his skin, he simply continues lower. Once he’s low enough, Levi wastes no time in busying himself with Erwin’s cock, mouthing along the hard line of it through the thin fabric of his boxer briefs, glancing up every once in awhile to see Erwin watching him with lidded eyes. 

Once the fabric is wet with Levi’s spit, he finally pulls it up and off of Erwin, reveling in the way his dick practically springs free, hard and heavy against his stomach. And when he eventually licks up the length of it, he glances up once more, maintaining that eye contact with Erwin again, which earns a soft gasp that goes straight to his own groin. Right now, Levi wants nothing more than to pull his own pants off so he can touch himself as well, but he waits, knowing it’ll be worth it in the end, and instead, focuses on Erwin. If it’s lack of control he’s feeling, then Levi will give it right back to him, and he knows just what to do. 

When Erwin eventually places a careful hand on the crown on Levi’s head, Levi is quick to cover it with his own, and as he takes his cock a little deeper into his mouth, he encourages Erwin to be a little rougher with him, pressing his hand harder against his head. Erwin seems to get the hint, fingers tangling lightly in his hair, but he’s hesitant, gazing down at Levi with concern written all over his face. 

“Levi…” he warns. 

And finally, Levi pulls off of Erwin’s cock, feeling a lot messier than he intended. While he gazes up at him, Levi reaches down to pump Erwin, slick with his own spit. “Come on…” he teases, “Don’t tell me you’ve gone soft on me.”

“Levi-” Erwin tries to argue, but Levi doesn’t let him get there. 

Instead, he leans forward, as close as he can to Erwin’s face without losing his comfortable spot between his legs. “I know you want to fuck my mouth,” he murmurs, voice pitching lower, dangerous. “Come on Erwin, show me what you’ve got.”

Erwin’s eyes go wide with surprise for a split second, as if he forgot the filthy words that often found their way out of Levi’s mouth, but as fast as the look is there, it’s gone, replaced with a fond smile and low lidded eyes. With a coy smirk, Levi swallows around Erwin’s cock once more, picking up where he left off, and thankfully, Erwin’s hand in his hair doesn’t move. He is gentle at first, simply guiding Levi’s head, pulling on his dark strands slightly, but Levi is quick to coax him again. This time, he grabs Erwin’s wrist, using the other man’s hand to press his head down, down until the tip of his cock presses against the back of his throat. Levi gags at first, but swallows it, holding himself there until he feels Erwin’s hips canting up on their own volition beneath him, until he hears Erwin’s sharp intake of breath and feels his fingers tightening impossibly in his hair. When he releases Erwin’s wrist, the other man is quick to fist his hair, pulling him up and off quickly, leaving Levi a wet, gasping mess. 

But before Erwin has a chance to say anything, Levi is speaking again, voice rough and gravely, but teasing all the same. “There it is,” he mutters, grinning despite the spit running down his chin and neck. He probably looks disgusting, used. He  _ has _ to, if the look Erwin is giving him is any indication. “I knew you had it in you…”

Erwin huffs a small laugh at that before fisting Levi’s hair roughly, playing along. This time, when Levi sucks the head of Erwin’s cock into his mouth, Erwin is quicker to press him down, fingers tightening in his hair before he pulls him back up so that he’s gasping, bearing his throat. They repeat this a few more times, before finally, Erwin releases his grip on Levi’s hair and Levi takes it as his cue to climb up Erwin’s body, breathless and needy, his own cock aching in the confines of his own jeans. When Erwin pulls him down for a kiss, it’s messy and more tongue and teeth than anything, and when they finally part, Levi can’t help it anymore. 

“I wanna ride you, Erwin,” he murmurs, nipping underneath Erwin’s ear as he speaks, voice soft, used. “I want you to fuck me.”

Erwin’s hand stills at Levi’s words, his fingers tightening where they grip his hips, but it isn’t long before he’s nodding beneath him. “Alright,” Erwin murmurs, “Okay.”

“Is that alright?” Levi asks, pulling away slightly to look Erwin in the eyes. He doesn’t miss the slight hesitation from the man underneath him, and he wants to make sure he isn’t crossing any lines, even though they’ve done this before, both in this life and countless times in another. 

This time when Erwin nods, it’s with more conviction, more urgency. He leans up, propping himself up on his elbow in order to catch Levi’s lips in a quick kiss. “That’s more than alright,” he murmurs, “But I want you to lie down first.”

Erwin’s eyes catch Levi’s when he speaks, and without being asked twice, Levi relinquishes power, lying back slowly on Erwin’s bed. For a moment, time seems to stand still, Erwin sitting back on his heels, watching him, and then finally, he’s moving, enveloping Levi, climbing over him and taking control. When Erwin reaches to finally undo Levi’s pants, Levi moves to help him, but his hands are gently batted away. “Let me,” Erwin murmurs, and it’s in that moment that Levi realizes that he was right. Erwin wants to be in control, and Levi will let him. Instead of pushing his pants down and off as fast as possible, Levi lets Erwin fumble with the button and zipper for a moment before they finally come loose, only lifting his hips to allow Erwin to shimmy them and his underwear off of him.

Things are quiet for a few seconds - but it feels like eternity - once they’re both naked in Erwin’s bed. Biting his lip, Levi meets Erwin’s gaze, and what he finds is one of awe, desperation and hunger, but mostly, adoration. Erwin offers him a soft smile. “I forgot how hard this is with one hand -” he begins, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but Levi shakes it away. 

“We’ll go at whatever speed you want,” Levi insists, offering him a half-smile. It’s bittersweet, but doesn’t do anything to kill the energy in the room. Levi still wants Erwin - he always will - and he’s certain that Erwin wants him. 

Erwin smiles back, leaning down to press a kiss to Levi’s stomach, then another to his hip, his thigh. “What did I do to deserve you?” he murmurs softly against his skin. 

Normally, Levi would quip back with something snarky or smart-ass, but just as he opens his mouth, he’s rendered breathless. As he’s distracted with Erwin’s too-sweet words and his own comeback, Erwin reaches down to run a finger along the length of his cock, barely there but enough to get his attention. “ _ Fuck _ ,” Levi bites, feeling Erwin’s lips curl up into a smile against his thigh. 

“Yeah?” Erwin asks, voice soft, barely a whisper. He does it again, this time a little more firm, his finger swiping across the head of Levi’s dick as he does so, earning a gasp from the man above him. And just like that, Levi forgets what they were talking about. Just like that, all he knows is Erwin, his hand and mouth, the weight of his body and the feeling of his hair threading through his fingers. 

At some point, Erwin reaches into his bedside table, and Levi knows what he’s doing, but he still gasps in surprise when his fingers return, this time slick with lube. He teases his cock just a bit longer before dipping his digits lower, pressing gently against his entrance. At the first contact, Levi gasps, his fingers tightening in Erwin’s hair, and he  _ swears _ he hears the other man chuckle, but before he can come up with a smartass comment to bite back at him, a finger is pressing in, just barely, and suddenly nothing else matters. 

It’s hard for Levi not to press down, not to fuck himself on Erwin’s hand, but he’s patient. In another life, before Erwin lost his arm, he’d hold him down, tease him, finger him until he was begging for release, but now Levi has to force himself to be patient, to behave. While he wants to press back against Erwin’s fingers, he also wants to let him have this - to give him control - so he bites his lip, chokes out a small, broken groan, and stills his hips. 

And Erwin notices, of course he does. He leans down, pressing his fingers further inside and peppers a few kisses across Levi’s belly, his hips, purposely avoiding his cock. “What’s wrong?” his voice comes out as a soft murmur when he asks the question, and Levi nearly scoffs. Or well, he would have, if Erwin didn’t crook his fingers the second he opens his mouth to speak. 

_ “Fuck!” _ Levi bites, fingers gripping the sheets. His other hand releases its hold on Erwin’s hair, arm finding its place thrown over his own face, covering his eyes. “ _ Erwin _ …”

It’s then that Levi realizes what he’s gotten himself into, because now, now that Erwin is in control, finally understanding what Levi has given him, he is taking full advantage of it. From there, it takes no time at all before Erwin’s movements speed up and intensify until he is thoroughly fingering Levi, all while pressing gentle kisses to his cock and thighs and hips. And from there, it doesn’t take long until Levi is involuntarily rocking back against the pressure, all too much but not enough at the same time. 

When they eventually flip positions once more, it takes Levi a moment to come to his senses, to compose himself enough to move. Erwin’s touch is like fire enveloping him but then suddenly, it’s gone, and he’s sitting back on his heels once more, admiring his handiwork with a soft, lazy smile on his face. Levi takes in the sight - his messy hair and blown-out eyes, his bare, solid chest and his hard cock, the way he gives it a couple of strokes when he pulls away - and nearly groans again. Last time, things were so rushed, so desperate. Last time they did this, Levi wasn’t sure what he really wanted, wasn’t sure about anything in his life, but things couldn’t be more different now. When he gazes at Erwin now, pausing as he lifts himself up off the bed, he knows that this is where he needs to be, and feels his chest swell with affection.

_ Love. _

Again, when Levi pauses, Erwin’s smile falters slightly, as if he actually thinks that Levi is unsure about this. The thought is ludicrous but he still asks, “Everything alright?”

And Levi feels hysterical at the question. Yeah, of course everything is alright. Couldn’t be better. Somehow, they managed to find one another again this time around. Somehow, they wound up here. Everything is perfect. Levi huffs out a small laugh at the thought. “Yeah,” he murmurs, “Come on, lie down you big oaf, stop looking at me like that.”

At Levi’s (somewhat) reassuring words, Erwin’s smile returns, and he does as he’s told, swapping places with Levi so that he’s resting against the headboard. He reaches his hand out for Levi, and this time, Levi doesn’t hesitate before climbing into his lap, grasping his face between his own hands and kissing him. Hard. 

He’s met with excitement and eager lips on Erwin’s end, teasing teeth and and insistent tongue, and before long, the power shifts. Although Levi was the one to initiate the bruising kiss, Erwin quickly takes over, leaving the man in his lap gasping as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth rather roughly, hand reaching around to squeeze his thigh, hip, buttocks, whatever he can reach.

“Come on,” Levi murmurs, voice trembling, lips pressed into the crook of Erwin’s neck in between kisses. He mouths at his stubble, relishing in the way it grazes his skin, rubbing it raw. “ _ Fuck _ , Erwin…”

Levi doesn’t even realize that he’s rocking back and forth desperately, rutting against whatever contact he can find until Erwin squeezes his left cheek in an effort to still him, lips curving up into a smile against his temple. It’s only then that Levi regains some sense and finally reaches behind him, fingers wrapping around Erwin’s hard, leaking cock and angling it between his cheeks, gasping at the way its head rubs teasingly against his sensitive hole. Apparently, it affects Erwin as well, because Levi hears a sharp intake of air next to his ear, feels the hand gripping him squeeze just a little more, fingers threatening to bruise. The idea sounds tempting. 

By this point, Levi is muttering gibberish, rocking back against Erwin’s dick, but not quite sinking down yet, teasing hismelf and the man beneath him. “Feel s’good,” he rasps wetly, lips trailing from Erwin’s throat to his jaw, his cheek. “Need you, c’mon, fuck me…”

And finally, Erwin has enough of the teasing, of the light touches and the implications of Levi’s movements. Finally, he leans up, capturing Levi’s lips in a bruising kiss, effectively shutting him up while simultaneously thrusting his hips up, pressing roughly inside. The gasp that rips from Levi’s throat quickly turns into a ragged moan, but Erwin doesn’t let him pull away, swallowing up every sound he makes, all while rocking up into him shallowly, burying himself to the hilt. In return, Levi’s body goes boneless, his hips moving on their own volition, meeting Erwin thrust for thrust until he feels full. It isn’t until he’s completely seated in Erwin’s lap, his cock reaching and brushing every perfect little spot inside of him that Levi finally pulls back, breathing wetly against Erwin’s lips. He can’t go far, though, not with the way Erwin’s arm has wound around his waist, holding him firmly in place.

“ _ Fuck, fuck _ ,” Levi mutters, even as he rocks back gently against Erwin. The slight movement causes Erwin’s cock to press inside at a different angle, ripping another low moan from both men. For a moment, they hang there, suspended in time, but then Levi glances down at Erwin through heavy lids, searching out his parted lips and lust-blown eyes and he needs to move,  _ now _ .

Erwin seems to have that same thought, because just as Levi lifts his hips up, the grip around his waist tightens, and he’s pulling him back down. The pace is rough and punishing and the angle at which Erwin’s cock presses inside of Levi has him seeing stars, and he knows within moments that he won’t last long, not like this. And that seems to be exactly what Erwin wants. 

Before Levi can talk any more shit, before he can beg Erwin to speed up or slow down or fuck him harder, Erwin is pulling him down for another rough, messy kiss, only pulling away once Levi is breathless and pliable. Completely at Erwin’s mercy, hips moving on their own accord, Levi presses his face into the crook of Erwin’s neck once more, and it’s then that he feels the deep rumbling of Erwin’s voice. 

“You feel perfect, Levi,” he murmurs. Even though his words are controlled and even, Levi can clearly hear how turned on, how affected by this he is, as well. His voice drops low, dripping with lust, and it just makes the heat in Levi’s belly grow. “I love watching you like this, love fucking you like this…”

_ Love _ . There’s that word again. Another gasp rips through Levi at the thought, and then, Erwin’s arm is relinquishing its grip on him slightly. Gentle fingers run up and down his back, as if Erwin understands the effect that those words have on Levi, but thankfully, he continues to rock up into him, never stilling his unrelenting pace. It’s then that Levi finally feels it - he’s on the brink of orgasm - and he reaches down, pumping his own cock desperately, pressing back into Erwin’s thrusts. The perfect angle coupled with Erwin’s low words of adoration and encouragement are what finally draw Levi over the edge, leaving him gasping into Erwin’s chest, fingers reaching out for anything they can hold onto.

Erwin is quick to follow as well. As soon as Levi comes, Erwin’s movements quicken and become more shallow, his arm pulling Levi close again. He searches out Levi’s lips, catching them in a wet, messy kiss, and when he finally spills, it’s with a deep moan that Levi eagerly swallows up.

There’s no stilling immediately after, either. Rather than pulling apart and trying to clean up, as Levi would almost always do in a previous life, he holds Erwin in place, kisses dissolving into shared breaths and soft pecks, into lips grazing cheeks and jaws. And thankfully, Erwin seems to understand. He doesn’t question it, and instead continues to hold Levi close, pressing a few soft kisses to his hair when Levi buries his face in Erwin’s chest, spent and limp, but not quite ready to part.

And it’s then that he finally says it.

Levi doesn’t mean for the words to come out. Although it is something that he has felt for a long while, something that has been resting on the tip of his tongue for a lifetime now, Levi doesn’t mean to utter them now, not so soon after finding Erwin in this life, not so soon after everything that they’ve both been through. But maybe that’s why he says it, too. Because even after everything they’ve been through, they ended up here with each other. Against all odds, they’ve found one another again, and Levi can’t stop them from tumbling out on a sigh, uttered against Erwin’s neck as they lies against his body, coming down from their collective high. 

“I love you.”

It’s so simple, so  _ right _ , but terrifying nonetheless. It feels right, and that’s why Levi says it, but moments after the words leave his lips, he stills, body going rigid in Erwin’s embrace. He says nothing, terrified of the aftermath, and for a moment, nothing happens. Nothing happens, the high fades away, reality sets in and Levi begins to panic -

_ Why? Why did you have to go and say it? Why now? What if you went and ruined a good thing? What if Erwin is still trying to figure things out? What if he doesn’t feel the same? _

\- but before he has a chance to try to take them back, Erwin is moving, leaning to press a kiss to the top of Levi’s head, repeating the words back to him. 

“I love you too, Levi.”

And Levi can’t help but let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, physically relaxing in Erwin’s arms. In response, Erwin simply pulls him closer, and Levi lets out a nervous laugh, suddenly feeling like an idiot for worrying so much. He should have known. 

When he eventually turns to gaze up at Erwin, it’s to find the other man already watching him, a small smile resting on his lips, his eyes full of adoration. Before Levi can say anything else, Erwin leans down, capturing his parted lips in a kiss, and Levi is thankful for the moment of silence, for a moment to just be  _ together _ .

Minutes later, Levi finally does rise from his spot in bed, his place in Erwin’s lap, in order to get a damp cloth to clean them both off. He plans on staying the night, but still can’t bear the mess, and it also gives him a moment alone with his thoughts. As the water runs, Levi chances a glance at himself in Erwin’s bathroom mirror, catching an unfamiliar reflection. Levi’s eyes are bright, his cheeks flushed and lips full and swollen from rough kisses. He looks messy, disheveled, but happier that he has in a long while. The glow should worry him, but now, it only solidifies things. 

_ He loves Erwin, and Erwin loves him. _

Things are quiet as they clean up, and even as Levi climbs back into bed with Erwin, fully intending to spend the night with him, even though they haven’t discussed it. They don’t need to, now. It just feels right. And when the silence is finally broken, this time it’s by Erwin, as they lie side by side in bed, blanketed in darkness. The words are a soft whisper, breathed against Levi’s temple, barely there but heavy with intent. 

“Come away with me,” are the words that Erwin uses, and after he speaks, silence settles heavy between them. Levi knows what the words imply before Erwin can even explain himself, and he also knows that, regardless of the circumstances, he’ll follow Erwin wherever he goes. Although it sounds terrifying right now, what Erwin might be implying, leaving everything behind…  He knows he’ll say yes. But for now, he remains quiet.

“We can leave anytime,” Erwin continues eventually, reaching up to gently brush a few stray hairs off of Levi’s face. It’s only then that he pulls away enough to look him in the eyes, a sleepy smile on his face, hard to make out in the dark, but still there nonetheless. “I want to see the world with you, Levi. I want to give you everything I couldn’t a lifetime ago.”

Levi opens his mouth to reply, but he’s unsure of what to say. The words are an echo of their conversation at dinner, when they talked about going on dates, about all of the things they weren’t able to do in a past life. It’s a side effect of Erwin’s guilt, Levi is sure, but that’s a conversation for another time. So instead he huffs out a gentle laugh after a moment, dismissing Erwin’s words for the time being. “You need to get some sleep old man,” he murmurs, “You’re talking nonsense.”

Erwin chuckles in response, pressing another kiss to Levi’s temple, then one to eager lips. “Maybe,” he murmurs, “But I can’t help it around you.”

The next morning, though, Erwin’s words are all Levi can think about. Even after lazy kisses and morning sex, even after coffee and breakfast and reading the news, all Levi can think about is Erwin’s proposition, which he hasn’t mentioned since last night. It sounds tempting, of course, traveling the world. It is something that Levi has wanted to do since before he met Erwin, since before he was burdened with memories of a past life and blessed to have the other man in his life again, but it feels like a pipe dream. Once you hit a certain point in your life, you can’t just drop everything and travel, right?

Still, Levi has to ask, so it happens as he helps Erwin do the dishes, hands submerged in soapy water. “Did you mean what you said last night?”

Erwin pauses to look at Levi, his gaze heavy, but Levi doesn’t look up, not yet. He keeps moving, afraid of what he might see when he meets Erwin’s eyes. On one hand, he’d be heartbroken if Erwin said no, that he hadn’t meant that he wanted to get up and travel as soon as possible, because as terrifying as it sounds, it is something Levi has dreamt of for years. But on the other hand, he doesn’t want to think about picking up and leaving everything behind all over again. Not so soon after Petra, after finding Erwin. Right now, he needs some stability.

But when Erwin doesn’t speak right away, Levi finally does glance in his direction, and what he sees is nothing but sincerity and understanding, as if Erwin is able to read his mind. 

“I meant every word, Levi,” Erwin says, voice soft, “I do love you, I always have. And I meant it when I said I wanted to see the world with you. I want to do everything with you.”

Levi doesn’t know whether he wants to smile or cry, so instead of responding, he simply turns, drying his hands off in order to take a moment to collect his thoughts. Everything has happened so fast, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a lot. 

Thankfully, Erwin seems to understand. When his hand reaches out for Levi’s, he doesn’t pull away. He allows Erwin to turn him so they’re facing. 

“ _ But _ ,” he murmurs, as if continuing his thought from earlier, “Only if you want to, only  _ when _ you want to.”

When Levi  _ still  _ doesn’t say anything, Erwin reaches up, his thumb brushing Levi’s cheek, soft and gentle. “Is that alright?”

Finally, Levi nods. “Yeah,” he mutters, reaching up to grab for Erwin’s hand, “Sorry, it’s just… It’s a lot, you know?”

“I do,” Erwin murmurs, understanding, “This isn’t normal -”

“We’ve never been,” Levi interrupts with a laugh.

“No,” Erwin agrees, smiling, “We’re not. None of this has ever been conventional. So whenever you’re ready, we’ll move forward. But for now, we have all of the time in the world.”

Levi nods, “Alright.”

At that, Erwin is dipping down, pressing a quick kiss to Levi’s lips. Even this moment feels so natural, so simple, and it’s foreign to Levi. He never imagined this, not in this life and not in his last one. He never imagined living out his life at Erwin’s side, never saw them making it that far. It’s both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. 

“For the record, I meant everything I said, too,” Levi murmurs once they part. 

This time, when Erwin smiles, it lights up his entire face, touching his eyes. It’s something Levi has never seen before, and it makes him love the other man even more. 


	17. Give Me a Lifetime, And Then Fifty More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If you die before I do,  
> I know the heartache  
> Will kill me too  
> So if I ever live again,  
> It will be to find you
> 
> Where I will love you  
> I will love you  
> Until the blood all leaves these veins  
> Don't you let us  
> Don't you let us  
> Lose to an early grave  
> Give me a lifetime  
> And then fifty more  
> To find the words  
> That will never explain   
> How I need you  
> How I see you  
> How you are everything that I have"  
> \- [I Will Love You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS5Gz_GawxI) \- Gin Wigmore
> 
> I can't believe this is finally over! This fic was such a roller coaster to write, and I really hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did creating it. I initially planned on ending it with the last chapter, but felt like these two needed a nice little epilogue of sorts to really bring things to a close, so I hope you enjoy this final chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me during irregular updates. You're all amazing <3

They leave the country late that year, as fall slowly bleeds into winter. It snows the day before they depart, thick and heavy on trees that are still covered in autumn leaves and settles with a finality that suits the one year anniversary of Petra’s passing. 

Erwin and Levi don’t visit the cemetery on the exact date, but instead on the eve of their departure and it goes unspoken. It isn’t necessarily a final goodbye - Levi already had that a year ago in a hospital room, even though he didn’t know it then - but it  _ is _ the closing of a chapter. With flowers in his hand and his arm linked with Erwin’s, he makes his way through the snow-covered path and surprisingly, it doesn’t feel as terrifying as he thought it would a year ago. Time has passed, and although it doesn’t heal all wounds, it helps when it comes to moving forward. (It’s inevitable, and easy to do with Erwin around.)

It isn’t until they near Petra’s headstone that Erwin hangs back, allowing Levi to walk up on his own. Although Levi doesn’t know it, Erwin has visited this exact spot in the cemetery a few times since Petra passed, usually on afternoons while Levi was working and Erwin was left alone with his thoughts, unable to help himself from questioning whether he did the right thing, bringing Levi into his fucked up world. Maybe if he’d never meddled, maybe it he never befriended Levi in the first place, none of this would have happened. Maybe, Petra would still be alive and Levi would be leading a happy life with a family, free from memories of his past.

Thankfully, those thoughts don’t last for long, and they come with less frequency now. A few visits with Petra, and Erwin’s mind is relatively clear. Levi doesn’t know it, but Erwin talks to her too. Even though it isn’t with as much familiarity as Levi does now, as he approaches her headstone, she  _ was _ a friend of Erwin’s once, too. She remembered, even if it wasn’t until the very end. 

If Petra were still alive, Erwin would be happy to see her and Levi together, raising a family, leading the life they both deserve, but even now, Erwin finally understands that this isn’t some cruel form of punishment. Neither he nor Petra were a consolation prize or a backup plan. The amazing thing about humans is their capacity for love, and the thing about love is it knows no bounds. Finally, a year later, Erwin understands this, and he doesn’t feel hurt, jealousy or even sadness as he watches Levi place the flowers on Petra’s grave. Instead, he feels grateful to have known her in this lifetime, thankful that she was there for Levi when he couldn’t be, and glad that she found some happiness this time around. 

Erwin is shaken from his thoughts as Levi turns in his direction, motioning with a slight nod for his presence on the hill. It’s funny, even in this lifetime, how they’re able to communicate without words. Some things never change. 

“What are you doing?” Levi asks quietly once Erwin is within earshot near his side. 

Erwin offers a smile. “I wanted to give you your space.”

In return, Levi huffs out a soft laugh. He reaches a gloved hand out to meet Erwin’s. “Thanks, but I don’t need it.” His words aren’t harsh or biting, but soft and gentle. Levi’s small smile matches Erwin’s, assuring him that he’s fine, but more importantly, that he doesn’t want to be alone. 

“Understood,” Erwin replies softly, squeezing Levi’s hand. 

And for a few peaceful moments, it’s quiet in the cemetery. Neither man needs to speak as they stand together, paying their respects to an old friend, a squad member, a wife, a lover. Although Levi is still very much the same person Erwin fell in love with a lifetime ago, he also wouldn’t be the man he is today without Petra, and Erwin feels his heart swell as he stands there with him. It is the end of a chapter, he can feel it. 

Then, just like that, a new one begins. 

“You ready?” Levi asks, shaking Erwin from his thoughts once more. When Erwin glances his way again, things feel different, even if only slightly. 

Erwin nods, but stumbles over his words “Yeah, I - can I have a moment?”

And for a split second, Levi’s eyes are heavy, as if he’s trying to read decipher Erwin’s thoughts. It’s something he has done for as long as Erwin can remember, and as soon as the look is there, it’s gone. “Yeah, sure,” Levi murmurs. He releases his grip on Erwin’s hand, then reaches his palm out once more. “Can I have the keys? I’ll go warm up the car.”

Wordlessly, Erwin hands them over and with one last heavy look, Levi departs, giving him his space. He may not know how many times Erwin has visited Petra on his own like this, but it seems that he understands, and again, Erwin is grateful for their unspoken bond. 

Erwin waits until Levi is nearly back to the car and out of earshot before he finally crouches in front of the granite headstone. Wordlessly, he reaches down, fingers brushing snow from vibrant flower petals before pressing his hand to the stone. 

“I know I’ve said this before,” Erwin murmurs, “But thank you for taking care of him when I couldn’t.”

He speaks like he’s talking to an old friend, and in a way, he is. Though Petra doesn’t answer, it’s still comforting, still familiar. Erwin glances back towards the car, where Levi sits in the front seat, eyes trained the hill. “I’ll make sure he’s happy. I promise.”

Finally, Erwin rises, and just like that, one chapter ends while another begins.

* * *

 

Being able to take the time off work to travel for a few months is easier for Erwin, who even after his accident and time away from teaching already has quite a bit of money saved up. It takes a little more convincing for Levi to finally dip into his savings, but eventually, they depart with a full itinerary, the first stop being in Hawaii, somewhere neither man has been before. It takes even more convincing to allow Erwin to book the flights, the resorts and whatever activities they may have planned for their stay - any spending feels frivolous to Levi, who hasn’t really taken a vacation in his entire life - but eventually, Levi relinquishes his power and lets Erwin plan everything, and if he’s being honest, it’s not half bad. 

Okay, a suite on the beach at one of the nicest resorts on the island is enough to impress Levi, even if he does feel that it’s over the top. Erwin promises that he won’t go out with every place they say, insisting that most of them will be airbnb's or with family friends, but this is nice. It’s much needed, if Levi is being honest. 

On their first day, Levi and Erwin simply explore the beaches and well-used hiking trails near their room, ending the night at one of the more expensive restaurants in the area. And by then, Levi has accepted the pampering and although he feels a bit spoiled, he doesn’t argue with Erwin. Instead, he relaxes into the booth, orders a couple of drinks and really starts to enjoy himself - something he was never able to do a lifetime ago. And sitting in the restaurant,  the warm light practically making Erwin glow where he sits across from him, it honestly feels a little unreal. 

“Do you remember our trips to the capital?” Levi asks between appetizers and their meal. A few drinks in, he’s buzzed but not necessarily drunk, and he feels warm, confident and happy. Reminiscing over their previous life with Erwin feels much easier now. 

“Of course,” Erwin answers with a chuckle, “You hated them.”

Levi grins. “I didn’t  _ hate _ them.”

“Oh really?” Erwin counters. His smile widens, and it does something to Levi’s chest. It was so rare to see him like this before, but now… “Didn’t you say you’d rather fling yourself from the walls than go to one more shitty banquet? That if they wanted to oogle you, they could come outside the walls with us and get eaten for all you care? I’m sure there was more…”

Levi waves his hand dismissively at Erwin’s comments, but he can’t hide the smile from his face, nor his laughter at the way the other man remembers his exact words. He opens his mouth to argue back, but is interrupted by their waiter, who brings another round of drinks, with a promise that their food should be out soon. 

Levi is certain that he shouldn’t have another drink before eating, but it’s in front of him, and Erwin is too, so without hesitation, he takes a quick sip before returning to their conversation.

“I hated dealing with those pigs… They thought they were better than us,” he mutters, voice lowering, becoming more serious for a moment. “ _ But _ , I enjoyed getting away from headquarters… Relaxing for a few days, traveling with you…”

“Sneaking into my room,” Erwin supplies with a fond smile. 

“Ha. Of course.”

“What was it you said? We might as well fuck on their time, cause they keep fucking us?” Erwin teases. 

Levi can’t help the way he laughs in return, loud and carefree. “Something like that. I had a way with words.”

“ _ Had? _ ” Erwin asks with an amused chuckle. 

Levi rolls his eyes in return. “It was nice, though. Not having anything to worry about for a few days… Aside from those meetings, I had you all to myself. No training, no expeditions…”

“You know,” Erwin interrupts, “You have me all to yourself now.”

“Watch your mouth,” Levi teases back, “You’re going to get me excited, and we haven’t even eaten dinner yet.”

In return, Erwin simply smirks, leaning across the table. “Just wait ‘till we get back to the room.”

* * *

 

Erwin makes good on his implied promise when the night ends with scattered clothes and tangled sheets. They barely make it back to the suite before Levi starts pulling at Erwin’s clothes, kissing at his neck, impatient and insistent, and it takes no time at all until he is sprawled out on plush blankets, eyes closed, mouth open on a silent ‘o’ as Erwin brings them both to release. Some things never change, and Erwin’s uncanny ability to read him, to know exactly what he needs is still just as good as ever. 

It’s still relatively early when they retire to bed, exhausted, full of good food and still half-drunk, hair wet from their shared shower, and when Erwin slips into unconsciousness, it’s with a smile on his face and an arm around Levi’s waist. However, when he turns over a few hours later, reaching out for the man next to him in the darkness, it’s to empty air and a cold bed. After a moment to wake up properly, Erwin sits up, glancing around the room to find Levi missing. Normally, he’d be concerned - did he do something wrong? Where did Levi go? - but nearly a year into their relationship, Erwin has learned to stop second-guessing himself. That, and he’s certain that he knows where Levi is, and once glance out the window facing the beach confirms his suspicions. 

Sure enough, there’s a lone figure standing out on the shore, silhouetted by moonlight. It looks like a dream, and Erwin nearly has to pinch himself to make sure that this is real, that he isn’t dreaming. 

After quickly slipping on some clothes and shoes, Erwin quietly joins Levi outside. They’re alone on the beach, nothing but the sound of the waves rolling up onto the shore between them and the sand beneath their feet, and Erwin treads carefully, unsure of what drew Levi out to the ocean. Earlier, their night was perfect, but Erwin knows his mind. It tends to wander, much like his own, and likely made Levi restless. 

“Unreal, isn’t it?” Erwin asks softly as he approaches Levi from behind, hoping he doesn’t startle him.

Unsurprisingly, Levi simply nods, apparently expecting Erwin’s company. “When Petra and I moved, one of the first things we did was visit the beach… But this is different.”

“It is,” Erwin agrees. He steps up to Levi’s side, but doesn’t look his way, not yet. If there’s something on Levi’s mind, he’ll make it known. Erwin doesn’t need to pry. Instead, he gazes out over the vast expanse of the ocean, the way the full moon reflects on the waves. It’s a perfect night. 

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Levi says after a long beat of silence. It isn’t until then that Erwin finally turns to him and finds Levi gazing up at him as well.

“Thank you for coming,” Erwin replies with ease, a small smile finding its place on his lips.

And just like that, Levi reaches out for his hand, lacing their fingers together. It goes unspoken, but Levi says it anyway, his words a whisper above the rolling waves. “I can’t wait to see the world with you.”

* * *

 

In Iceland, Erwin is the one to reach for Levi’s hand at the end of a long hike, his thumb running gently over his knuckles as he gazes over the untouched wilderness before them. This - the view, the freedom, Levi at his side - is something Erwin only dreamt of in a past life. Although he has spent much of this lifetime traveling to make up for it, nothing beats sharing these special moments and beautiful places with Levi.

He doesn’t need to say anything, but this time, it’s Levi who presses, voice gentle. “What’s going on up there?”

And when Erwin turns in his direction, Levi is gazing up at him with a sense of wonder and curiosity. It’s a look he knows well. 

Erwin smiles warmly in Levi’s direction before turning his attention back to the view before them. “I just can’t believe that we have this, in this lifetime. It’s everything I ever dreamt about, Levi.”

He doesn’t have to look to know that Levi is smiling. He can feel it in the shifting of the energy around them, in the way that Levi squeezes his hand and shifts his weight closer. “Yeah? Even  _ this _ ?” Levi asks, lifting their linked hands slightly. 

This, being together, traveling the world and falling in love… It’s something they never discussed in a past life. They never talked about their future together or their feelings for one another. Although there was no arguing their chemistry or their mutual feelings, it always went unspoken, assumed, partially because they both already had too much to worry about and partially because they both knew they wouldn’t make it long enough to see through to any promises. In their line of work, they only had so long. It also went unspoken that one or both of them wouldn’t make it through to the end. So yeah, Levi has to ask, just to know. 

In return, he receives a warm smile from Erwin, who returns the gesture, squeezing Levi’s hand. “I wanted all of this back then, too,” he insists, “We just -”

“We didn’t have the time,” Levi offers, understanding.

Erwin nods, solemn. “No… But I want you to know that I would have done anything to have this with you… I would have married you back then, Levi, if I had the chance.”

It’s an admission Levi doesn’t see coming, his eyes widening at Erwin’s words. “ _ Shit _ .”

And immediately, Erwin begins to backtrack, “I’m sorry, I know -”

“No,” Levi cuts him off, “Don’t take it back… I - I wanted that too, Erwin. Of course I did. I just didn’t… We never -”

“We never had the luxury to discuss such things,” Erwin supplies, “I know. For that, I apologize.”

Levi snorts. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re apologizing for. You couldn’t control the world we lived in.”

“I suppose not,” Erwin says, offering Levi a small smile. “I’m sorry. I know that was forward of me, but -”

“I said stop apologizing,” Levi interrupts. He shuffles closer to Erwin, releasing his grip on his hand in favor of wrapping his arms around his middle, pressing his face into his chest. Erwin immediately returns the gesture, his own arm coming to rest around Levi’s shoulders.

“For what it’s worth,” Levi mutters against Erwin’s jacket, “I would have said yes.”

* * *

 

In Paris, Levi buys a pair of rings. 

They’ve been in the city for about a week, staying in a cozy airbnb, and slowly, some things start to become familiar to Levi. The cafe around the corner, the shopping center a few blocks away, the green park, museum and nearby tourist attractions a short cab ride away. It’s a chance of pace, something a little more up to Levi’s speed, and he grows to quickly love the city. He grows to love Erwin even more, but that’s no surprise. 

Levi has been eyeing the rings since he saw them when he and Erwin first visited the shopping center on their second day in the city. They only have three days left now, and Levi knows that if he doesn’t pull the trigger now, he never will, so he sneaks away to purchase them one afternoon while Erwin showers and gets ready for the day, disguising his absence as a trip to get coffee. 

“You didn’t have to do this,” Erwin insists, kissing Levi on the cheek when he takes the warm coffee cup from him. The rings feel heavy in Levi’s pocket. 

“Well I did,” Levi mutters, “I figured you could use a pick-me-up after last night.”

Erwin smiles warmly, remembering the events from the night before to the best of his ability. Things got a little fuzzy after dinner, when they went out for drinks, and he’s certain that he drank quite a bit more than Levi, who looks wide awake. “You know me well,” he murmurs, sipping his drink.

Levi huffs. “Yeah, well.”

He doesn’t give Erwin the ring then. It’s not the right time, not yet. In fact, he doesn’t until their last morning in Paris. Levi wakes early with the sun and takes it upon himself to go on a coffee run, giving himself a pep-talk on the walk back to the flat. 

_ This is it. It’s now or never _ .

When Levi returns, he pauses in the kitchen to set down the coffee and pastries and pulls the rings out of his pocket once more. They’re not expensive by any means and aren’t anything special - just two simple gold bands - but they feel heavy in Levi’s palm. 

After Petra, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready for something like this ever again. Even after he remembered everything, even after he was reunited with Erwin once more… He was never one for labels, for marriage, and Petra was his exception. But Erwin…

Erwin has always had a knack for taking everything that Levi thinks he knows and turning it on its head, and this is no exception.

When he places the gold band on the bedside table, he has no doubt that this is what he wants, and only hopes that Erwin’s previous words to him are a sign that he wants it too. It’s not a proposal, necessarily… But a promise. Something they should have done a lifetime ago. And instead of waking Erwin right then and there and just giving him the ring outright, Levi retreats to the bathroom to take a hot shower and calm his nerves. 

He hasn’t been this sure about something in a very long time - since he married Petra, actually - and although he is nervous, Levi knows without a doubt that this is what he wants. 

Erwin is awake when Levi steps out of the shower about half an hour later. Clad in only his underwear, toweling his hair dry, Levi stops abruptly in place when he steps into the bedroom to find Erwin sitting upright in bed. The gold band is no longer sitting on the table, but instead has found its place in Erwin’s palm.

“Levi?” Erwin asks, before Levi has a chance to explain, “What’s this?”

Levi’s matching ring sits in the other room on the kitchen counter, and suddenly, Levi finds himself wishing he was already wearing it. Just like that, the nerves disappear as he takes in the sight of Erwin sitting in bed, messy hair, sleepy eyes and all. 

_ He wants this. _ He has for a long time. 

So instead of letting his nerves get the best of him, Levi simply shrugs. “You said you would’ve married me back then… So figured now was as good of a time as ever.”

Erwin’s eyes widen at Levi’s words, his nonchalance, his calm demeanor. For the first time in a long time, Levi sees Erwin falter, stumbling over his words, and he can’t help but smile in response. “Levi… I didn’t - I wasn’t sure if you -”

“I am,” Levi replies simply, “If you are now.”

Erwin gapes for a moment before clutching the ring in his hand and reaching out for Levi. “Come here.”

“I’m wet,” Levi protests, holding his damp towel in one hand. Beads of water still litter the majority of his body, his hair still dripping. 

“I don’t care,” Erwin insists, “Come here.”

So Levi does as he’s told, dropping the towel and climbing into bed with Erwin, who immediately reaches out and pulls him close. 

“I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything,” he insists, voice soft as soon as Levi is seated next to him, “When I said those things, I wasn’t trying to make you feel obligated -”

“I don’t feel  _ obligated _ to do anything,” Levi argues gently, “I’m the one who bought the ring, Erwin. If you don’t want it -”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Erwin quickly assures, “I want it, I just - with everything… Petra…”

At Erwin’s words, a small, knowing smile finds its place on Levi’s lips. “She wouldn’t want to hold me back. She’d want this. You know her…”

“I do,” Erwin says with a nod.

“And you know me,” Levi continues, “I wouldn’t have done this -”

He reaches for Erwin’s hand, opening his palm to reveal the ring before plucking it from him.

“- If I wasn’t sure.”

Erwin nods again. “Alright.”

“So…” Levi continues, “Is that a yes?”

Finally, a warm smile spreads across Erwin’s face, touching his eyes, dimpling his cheeks. “Yes,” he murmurs, pulling Levi down for a kiss. The ring goes forgotten in Levi’s palm for a moment - he can place it on Erwin’s finger later - and for now, he loses himself in Erwin’s touch, his kiss, his voice. He falls into bed with a soft huff, and Erwin chuckles against his lips. “Yes, that’s a yes.”

* * *

 

It finally happens when they’re in London. After months of traveling, visiting Erwin’s family friends in New Zealand, hiking massive mountain peaks, swimming in the ocean and staying in sleepy, small towns and villages all over Europe, Levi and Erwin eventually find themselves in an airport in London, ready to fly back home. 

While they’re in New Zealand, Levi makes a comment to Erwin about finding other people from their past life, but he doesn’t actually think it’ll happen. After finding Erwin, not to mention Petra, Mike and Nanaba, he is certain that they’ve used up just about all of their luck. People may say it’s a small world, but when you’re desperately searching for a dozen very specific people, it becomes much, much larger.

“Maybe one day,” Erwin says, when Levi asks if he thinks they’ll ever find anyone else, but Levi can hear the hesitance in his voice and doesn’t blame him. They’ve been lucky, all things considered. This life has been much more kind this time around. Although it has come with a significant amount of pain, it has already been miles better than their past one, and Levi supposes that if they don’t find anyone else, it’ll be okay. As long as they get a second chance too, that’s all that matters.

So of course, it happens when he least expects it. 

They’re walking through the airport terminal, coffee in hand as they near their gate when Levi sees them, and he stops dead in his tracks.

When Erwin described finding him - even Mike, Petra and Nanaba - for the first time, he said it was like seeing a ghost, and that’s exactly how Levi feels when he lays eyes on Hange. Erwin doesn’t notice at first, not until Levi stops walking, eyes wide, body frozen, and even then, his gaze is trained on Levi, not the person that Levi’s eyes are fixed on.

“Levi? Are you -”

Speechless, Levi doesn’t cut Erwin off with his words, but instead, reaches out, smacking his arm and pointing Erwin in the direction of his gaze. He knows that Erwin sees them as well when he hears the sharp intake of breath at his side. Sitting at another gate, likely waiting for their flight, is none other than Hange Zoe. They’re distracted, reading something on the tablet in their hands, and don’t immediately notice the two men staring in their direction. 

It doesn’t even feel real, but when Erwin speaks at Levi’s side, he knows he’s not seeing things. 

“You don’t think -”

_ You don’t think they remember, do you? _

Erwin doesn’t need to finish his thought for Levi to understand what he means. 

“I don’t know,” he mutters, “But we - I don’t -”

How do you approach a complete stranger and ask if they remember your shared past life? What if they don’t remember? Should they just leave?

“I’ll say something,” Erwin offers. He reaches out to squeeze Levi’s shoulder before taking a step forward, but is cut short by yet another familiar face coming into view. 

Moblit moves fast, catching Erwin by surprise by the way he almost collides with him, and surprisingly, he doesn’t make eye contact with his former commander, already saying something to Hange with a thick accent. They’re obviously together, as Hange looks up in his direction as if they were expecting him, but it’s  _ when _ they look up that they seem to finally notice Erwin and Levi’s presence. Their eyes stray from Moblit and whatever he’s saying to them and instead land on Erwin’s frozen frame and Levi, who makes sturdy, direct eye contact with them.

In a split second, there’s no questioning it. Hange remembers, and if Levi wasn’t completely certain, then their excited screeching as they practically launch out of their seat is enough to go by. 

“Levi! Erwin! Is that you?!”

Immediately, Levi steps up next to Erwin - his former commander, his lover, his soon-to-be husband - and takes his hand, smiling warmly at a couple of long lost friends. 


End file.
